what if life was self designed
what if life was like that moment in the pub in vanilla sky ... where he realises that anything he wants will happen all around him?
where would you be and how would you be,
if you could be, everything, anything you wanted to be, with no comebacks?
just for today? id be in the kothrud flat, with the rain crashing just like this, and all my music and my byron, and adit and chatts. and id rain. like its raining today
ive been listening to this song on repeat for the last few days whenever Im home
Nobody feels any pain
Tonight as i stand inside the rain
Everybody knows
That baby's got new clothes
But lately i see her ribbons an' her bows
Have fallen from her curls.
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
An' she aches just like a woman
But she breaks like a little girl.
when night falls
and the clowns retire
theres noone in the chairs to see
white paint broken by 2 brown lines
rivers, hiccups of fear & pain
when everyone in the show has gone home again
the clowns rain
faith
and old poem I found on my site - i dont remember when i wrote it or why ...
"somehow it all went astray,
but whats another dream broken?
in a life turned night of nightmares
this was just an infant still
this star that briefly appeared
on the horizon dark dismal
went up in splendrous bright sparks
in a shower fallen
to a puddle on the floor
and dried,
like a sticky trail of tears on ur face
invisible to everyone
but you who can feel the stickines still"
today turned arond
bumped into yesterday
couldnt look her in the eye
and still keep straight face
marathon spring cleaning over the weekend. my favourite kind of cozy 'tucked into my room' type weekend. gallons of old old old letters, diaries, cards, concert tickets, KY mem'lia and what not!
its so hard to believe we wrote and said all those things ... it was sweet, funny, cute, touching. i was laughing and crying all at once.
so many lists ... a HHPB checklist - wont write what that is - but it was very funny. no wonder it was never met! dogs, kids and bungee jumping .... crossed with brecht and archer ... kk and floyd and ravi-shankar and hemanta ... and then ghalib too ... too much! guess i have a us & them problem. I cant trust us and i cant get along with them.
a friend, a very dear friend, is getting engaged. mixed feelings. how many married friends do you have. not that aquaintance friends - but real friend. not people u hang out with, but real friends. people change after they pair up ... Juls, Sauce ... ??? anyway - its for the best. Im happy. Im really happy.
song in my head - a blast from the past ... heard it in the car next to me - stuck in jam while driving to work this morning
"i know all the games u play,
cz I play them too.
need some time off from that emotion ... "
"somehow it all went astray,
but whats another dream broken?
in a life turned night of nightmares
this was just an infant still
this star that briefly appeared
on the horizon dark dismal
went up in splendrous bright sparks
in a shower fallen
to a puddle on the floor
and dried,
like a sticky trail of tears on ur face
invisible to everyone
but you who can feel the stickines still"
today turned arond
bumped into yesterday
couldnt look her in the eye
and still keep straight face
marathon spring cleaning over the weekend. my favourite kind of cozy 'tucked into my room' type weekend. gallons of old old old letters, diaries, cards, concert tickets, KY mem'lia and what not!
its so hard to believe we wrote and said all those things ... it was sweet, funny, cute, touching. i was laughing and crying all at once.
so many lists ... a HHPB checklist - wont write what that is - but it was very funny. no wonder it was never met! dogs, kids and bungee jumping .... crossed with brecht and archer ... kk and floyd and ravi-shankar and hemanta ... and then ghalib too ... too much! guess i have a us & them problem. I cant trust us and i cant get along with them.
a friend, a very dear friend, is getting engaged. mixed feelings. how many married friends do you have. not that aquaintance friends - but real friend. not people u hang out with, but real friends. people change after they pair up ... Juls, Sauce ... ??? anyway - its for the best. Im happy. Im really happy.
song in my head - a blast from the past ... heard it in the car next to me - stuck in jam while driving to work this morning
"i know all the games u play,
cz I play them too.
need some time off from that emotion ... "
cz friends will be friends
what do you do when
someone u barely knew a few months back, thinks about you, believes in you, tells you u might break through, and fair blows ur mind with the realisation that suddenly, out of the stark, bleak midnight blue some stranger, another new aquaintance is knocking on the threshold of becoming a Friend.
when someone u trusted and honoured in the world inside you, someone you loved and cared for, relied on ... someone you called Friend, just fades away into the black oblivion of those who faded away.
when someone you have begun to care for loses someone they care for? there are no words that will not sound superficial, there is nothing that will not sound superfluous ... theres nothing you can do that can be done ... you can just wait and watch and feel bad for her feeling bad and wish you could divert some of it away.
Anyway - another weekend is here. I will live. Recharge. And Sleep blissful Sleep!!!
someone u barely knew a few months back, thinks about you, believes in you, tells you u might break through, and fair blows ur mind with the realisation that suddenly, out of the stark, bleak midnight blue some stranger, another new aquaintance is knocking on the threshold of becoming a Friend.
when someone u trusted and honoured in the world inside you, someone you loved and cared for, relied on ... someone you called Friend, just fades away into the black oblivion of those who faded away.
when someone you have begun to care for loses someone they care for? there are no words that will not sound superficial, there is nothing that will not sound superfluous ... theres nothing you can do that can be done ... you can just wait and watch and feel bad for her feeling bad and wish you could divert some of it away.
Anyway - another weekend is here. I will live. Recharge. And Sleep blissful Sleep!!!
its a brand new day
in life, everything rolls around
everything finishes and starts again
and we live, in segments
in some ways, the way I was yesterday ... 10 years ago, 10 days ago, 10 mins ago ... seems so different from here and now; and in some ways, so similar!
i still carry the same fears, weaknesses, the same impossible dreams and schemes, and the same stubborn determination in all too rare streaks and fits
im stuck. im stuck inhere and now. and i need to get out. soon.
this wont work. it cant. its another impossible jump into empty space. i dont have the stuff you need to make things like this work.
someone used to tell me im like a turtle ... you have to spend ages coaxing me out, and then theres one small false move, and i rush back in .... some shells protect the outside. theres acid inside
i came to work late today. very late. wanted to wish a friend after he woke up. and there was no other way. why is it so hard to say everything u want to say
drove to work. it took me 40 mins to cross 2 blocks - my house to gariahat! packed traffic! gotto stay till late. anyway - i cant drive in the regular office time traffic -so i would have waited for it to cool anyway ...
i need a break. i need a weekend. and behold a weekend is here :)
i need someone to talk to. not SOMEONE ... but chatts or ad or barb ... no else will do. i need an old old friend. new friends are great to love and care for a laugh with. but to talk - u need the ones who know ... the ones who have held ur quivering, shivering soul in a gentle curving palm cup ... when u were falling, breaking, cracking up, when ur soul is shrivelled to a pinpoint in the dark ... so many times before.
everything finishes and starts again
and we live, in segments
in some ways, the way I was yesterday ... 10 years ago, 10 days ago, 10 mins ago ... seems so different from here and now; and in some ways, so similar!
i still carry the same fears, weaknesses, the same impossible dreams and schemes, and the same stubborn determination in all too rare streaks and fits
im stuck. im stuck inhere and now. and i need to get out. soon.
this wont work. it cant. its another impossible jump into empty space. i dont have the stuff you need to make things like this work.
someone used to tell me im like a turtle ... you have to spend ages coaxing me out, and then theres one small false move, and i rush back in .... some shells protect the outside. theres acid inside
i came to work late today. very late. wanted to wish a friend after he woke up. and there was no other way. why is it so hard to say everything u want to say
drove to work. it took me 40 mins to cross 2 blocks - my house to gariahat! packed traffic! gotto stay till late. anyway - i cant drive in the regular office time traffic -so i would have waited for it to cool anyway ...
i need a break. i need a weekend. and behold a weekend is here :)
i need someone to talk to. not SOMEONE ... but chatts or ad or barb ... no else will do. i need an old old friend. new friends are great to love and care for a laugh with. but to talk - u need the ones who know ... the ones who have held ur quivering, shivering soul in a gentle curving palm cup ... when u were falling, breaking, cracking up, when ur soul is shrivelled to a pinpoint in the dark ... so many times before.
lifes like that
she pulls me down
she makes me cry
she laughs at me
she makes me laugh with her
she holds my hand
as she makes me tumble
she keeps me moving
even when i cant get up, anymore
she is stands by my bed while i toss and turn
through the darkest storms of the night
she hides surprises
at every corner
she pulls me out, maddeningly
of my crazy races that i crazily run ...
with myself
she pulls me aside and while my heart still races
she talks to my mind,
and she teaches me some more
always more
sometimes i hate her. cant wait for it to be over
sometimes I love her. cant get enough.
lifes like that you see.
and another fear
more secret, moregaurded
at 9, i thought you the coolest, most grownup, suavest, bond' in the world
at 29, i suspect that you, underneath ur cool, smooth exterior, are perhaps as soft as i can sometimes be
and it seems that ive loved u a lifetime ...
that you wont , actually, run away when i cry
that i wont have to keep laughing always - even when i hate to
and the fear is finding out im wrong ...
i laugh. i clown about. i make people laugh
but i cry too. i cry a lot. and its usually scary for people to watch
cz there no way they can reach me - i have withdrawn and the shutters have fallen
boom crash bang ... shut tight in place
with a vacant look in front
or a shallow smile
which does who know never trust
i cry sometimes for no reason
like i laugh sometimes, for no reason
or i cry bcz a sunrise is so beautiful
or a moment so sweet
or a feeling so immense
or life is splendrous
i wanted to cry that night
in ur eyes
when u smiled and said
why u looking so intense
i wanted to cry bcz i saw the end of the moment approaching
and i wanted it to last
for a lifetime
because i have come so gfar
because i am so tired
because i love you so much
i may have never loved very well
been very good at loving
my cold, hard, seeking, searching, eagles heart ... to fixed on the horizon
to glued to the road - to stop, to be soft, to listen
but in that moment i loved you
enough for an eternity
she makes me cry
she laughs at me
she makes me laugh with her
she holds my hand
as she makes me tumble
she keeps me moving
even when i cant get up, anymore
she is stands by my bed while i toss and turn
through the darkest storms of the night
she hides surprises
at every corner
she pulls me out, maddeningly
of my crazy races that i crazily run ...
with myself
she pulls me aside and while my heart still races
she talks to my mind,
and she teaches me some more
always more
sometimes i hate her. cant wait for it to be over
sometimes I love her. cant get enough.
lifes like that you see.
and another fear
more secret, moregaurded
at 9, i thought you the coolest, most grownup, suavest, bond' in the world
at 29, i suspect that you, underneath ur cool, smooth exterior, are perhaps as soft as i can sometimes be
and it seems that ive loved u a lifetime ...
that you wont , actually, run away when i cry
that i wont have to keep laughing always - even when i hate to
and the fear is finding out im wrong ...
i laugh. i clown about. i make people laugh
but i cry too. i cry a lot. and its usually scary for people to watch
cz there no way they can reach me - i have withdrawn and the shutters have fallen
boom crash bang ... shut tight in place
with a vacant look in front
or a shallow smile
which does who know never trust
i cry sometimes for no reason
like i laugh sometimes, for no reason
or i cry bcz a sunrise is so beautiful
or a moment so sweet
or a feeling so immense
or life is splendrous
i wanted to cry that night
in ur eyes
when u smiled and said
why u looking so intense
i wanted to cry bcz i saw the end of the moment approaching
and i wanted it to last
for a lifetime
because i have come so gfar
because i am so tired
because i love you so much
i may have never loved very well
been very good at loving
my cold, hard, seeking, searching, eagles heart ... to fixed on the horizon
to glued to the road - to stop, to be soft, to listen
but in that moment i loved you
enough for an eternity
flying
im working in shifts now. 7AM to 2PM. Killer. Because as usual me the insomniac cant sleep early enough. Then I have this quirk ... I cant just get up and come to work. I need some all-by-myself time in the morning. ill read, and laze and listen to music and be grouchy in peace and have my first 3 of the day then I get up and start to get ready to leave.
last night i had a strange dream ... i was flying. it was dark. and cold. and silver ...
and the ocean moved below
and i flew through the air
alone
above the seas,
and the sleeping, twinkling towns
and the gaurding mountains tall
i flew
listening to Queen after a long time
You say you love me
And I hardly know your name
And if I say I love you in the candlelight
There's no one but myself to blame
But there's something inside
That's turning my mind away
Oh how I could love you
If I could let you stay
It's late - but I'm bleeding deep inside
It's late - is it just my sickly pride?
Too late - even now the feeling seems to steal away
So late - though I'm crying I can't help but hear you say
It's late it's late it's late
But not too late
following rahuls analogy, if you are terrified ofdriving, but darent admit it - would you,
subconsciously or consciously, always buy cars which you know you wont be able to drive easily?
isnt that terrible - a waste of the car (s)?
if someone gifts u a car which is just right for you,
would you panic and cut off ur arms?
does everyone have to drive? what if ur fear is real? what if u really dont have it in u to drive?
what if u saw ur whole family die - on the spot - in a car crash ...
would you ever overcome your fear of driving?
what if u really like the car - its a very good car - and u screw it up?
what if u bump into someone and kill them?
what if u start out by car but then its wonderful weather and you want to stop, or walk ...
why cant we use cabs all the time? expensive? ownership? or just face-ur-fears training?
why do you feel compelled to peer into ur deepest fears and see what they are made out of?
why does all the analysis and the realisation fly out of the window when the moment comes?
last night i had a strange dream ... i was flying. it was dark. and cold. and silver ...
and the ocean moved below
and i flew through the air
alone
above the seas,
and the sleeping, twinkling towns
and the gaurding mountains tall
i flew
listening to Queen after a long time
You say you love me
And I hardly know your name
And if I say I love you in the candlelight
There's no one but myself to blame
But there's something inside
That's turning my mind away
Oh how I could love you
If I could let you stay
It's late - but I'm bleeding deep inside
It's late - is it just my sickly pride?
Too late - even now the feeling seems to steal away
So late - though I'm crying I can't help but hear you say
It's late it's late it's late
But not too late
following rahuls analogy, if you are terrified ofdriving, but darent admit it - would you,
subconsciously or consciously, always buy cars which you know you wont be able to drive easily?
isnt that terrible - a waste of the car (s)?
if someone gifts u a car which is just right for you,
would you panic and cut off ur arms?
does everyone have to drive? what if ur fear is real? what if u really dont have it in u to drive?
what if u saw ur whole family die - on the spot - in a car crash ...
would you ever overcome your fear of driving?
what if u really like the car - its a very good car - and u screw it up?
what if u bump into someone and kill them?
what if u start out by car but then its wonderful weather and you want to stop, or walk ...
why cant we use cabs all the time? expensive? ownership? or just face-ur-fears training?
why do you feel compelled to peer into ur deepest fears and see what they are made out of?
why does all the analysis and the realisation fly out of the window when the moment comes?
stormy monday blues
it rained all night
and i couldnt sleep
i sat on the terrace
in the driving rain
getting drenched
reliving the evening, the past week, the past month, the the past year, the past life ... random fragments ...
i finished reading "Mrs Dalloway"
again - it hits me as strange and amazing
that these books, these thoughts, these philosophies
come to me when I am thinking, feeling as I do
clarrissa analysing the septimus's suicide
as i stand at the bars and I feel the wet coldness of the wrought iron table behind me. strange
the book still had me in its grip. im still stuck there. i read a lot of reviews online. One of them said ...
"Like Septimus, Clarissa has the potential to be overwhelmed by life. Hearing of Septimus' suicide, she withdraws to consider her party's deeper meaning for her. She imaginatively recreates Smith's suicide and recalls that "she had thrown a shilling into the Serpentine, never anything more. But he had flung it away" (241). It is clear that Clarissa shares Spetimus' suicidal impulses as she went on imagine "But this young man who had killed himself - had he plunged holding his treasure? 'If it were now to die, 'twere now to be most happy, she had said to herself once."(242). However, Clarissa only needs to die in imagination by identifying herself with Septimus. Clarissa survived from her suicidal instinct as she acknowledges that her subsistence depends on the death of Septimus, the darker sides of her nature, so she sacrifices it gladly. "
this is the part that haunted me most. but what hit me most was wondering how much of it was autobiographical? idshe feel like septimus did. if she did then was it because she was, really, going crazy or does everyone, at times?
"Death was defiance. Death was an attempt to communicate, people feeling the impossibility of reaching the centre which, mystically, evaded them; closeness drew apart; rapture faded; one was alone. There was an embrace in death.
But this young man who had killed himself-had he plunged holding his treasure ? "If I were to die now, 'tweve now to be most happy," she had said to herself once, coming down, in white.
Or there were the poets and thinkers. Suppose he had had that passion, and had gone to Sir William Bradshaw, a great doctor, yet to her obscurely evil, without sex or lust, extremely polite to women, but capable of some indescribable outrage-forcing your soul, that was it-if this young man had gone to him, and Sir William had impressed him, like that, with his power, might he not then have said (indeed she felt it now), Life is made intolerable; they make life intolerable, men like that ?
Then (she had felt it only this morning) there was the terror; the overwhelming incapacity, one's parents giving it into one's hands, this life, to be lived to the end, to be walked with serenely; there was in the depths of her heart an awful fear. Even now, quite often if Richard had not been there reading the Times, so that she could crouch like a bird and gradually revive, send roaring up that incommensurable delight, rubbing stick to stick, one thing with another, she must have perished. She had escaped. But that young man had killed himself."
sister of my soul. what is family? what are fraternal feelings in a family? is it any different from friendship? how? sister of my soul, bonded by heart-blood, same bricks, same mortar, so different, yet just the same. in time displaced. upgraded. what is family. how do people who live together in families all their lives feel? think? act? sister of my soul, bonded by heart-blood, blood so weak, thinner than water. we above it, we below it. running away. running to it everyday. with eyes shut tight. shouting out in terrified, unending, wails echoing, silently, twice over, 184 months apart. i dont know you. i dont want to see you. u only exist in the slices i choose.
and i couldnt sleep
i sat on the terrace
in the driving rain
getting drenched
reliving the evening, the past week, the past month, the the past year, the past life ... random fragments ...
i finished reading "Mrs Dalloway"
again - it hits me as strange and amazing
that these books, these thoughts, these philosophies
come to me when I am thinking, feeling as I do
clarrissa analysing the septimus's suicide
as i stand at the bars and I feel the wet coldness of the wrought iron table behind me. strange
the book still had me in its grip. im still stuck there. i read a lot of reviews online. One of them said ...
"Like Septimus, Clarissa has the potential to be overwhelmed by life. Hearing of Septimus' suicide, she withdraws to consider her party's deeper meaning for her. She imaginatively recreates Smith's suicide and recalls that "she had thrown a shilling into the Serpentine, never anything more. But he had flung it away" (241). It is clear that Clarissa shares Spetimus' suicidal impulses as she went on imagine "But this young man who had killed himself - had he plunged holding his treasure? 'If it were now to die, 'twere now to be most happy, she had said to herself once."(242). However, Clarissa only needs to die in imagination by identifying herself with Septimus. Clarissa survived from her suicidal instinct as she acknowledges that her subsistence depends on the death of Septimus, the darker sides of her nature, so she sacrifices it gladly. "
this is the part that haunted me most. but what hit me most was wondering how much of it was autobiographical? idshe feel like septimus did. if she did then was it because she was, really, going crazy or does everyone, at times?
"Death was defiance. Death was an attempt to communicate, people feeling the impossibility of reaching the centre which, mystically, evaded them; closeness drew apart; rapture faded; one was alone. There was an embrace in death.
But this young man who had killed himself-had he plunged holding his treasure ? "If I were to die now, 'tweve now to be most happy," she had said to herself once, coming down, in white.
Or there were the poets and thinkers. Suppose he had had that passion, and had gone to Sir William Bradshaw, a great doctor, yet to her obscurely evil, without sex or lust, extremely polite to women, but capable of some indescribable outrage-forcing your soul, that was it-if this young man had gone to him, and Sir William had impressed him, like that, with his power, might he not then have said (indeed she felt it now), Life is made intolerable; they make life intolerable, men like that ?
Then (she had felt it only this morning) there was the terror; the overwhelming incapacity, one's parents giving it into one's hands, this life, to be lived to the end, to be walked with serenely; there was in the depths of her heart an awful fear. Even now, quite often if Richard had not been there reading the Times, so that she could crouch like a bird and gradually revive, send roaring up that incommensurable delight, rubbing stick to stick, one thing with another, she must have perished. She had escaped. But that young man had killed himself."
sister of my soul. what is family? what are fraternal feelings in a family? is it any different from friendship? how? sister of my soul, bonded by heart-blood, same bricks, same mortar, so different, yet just the same. in time displaced. upgraded. what is family. how do people who live together in families all their lives feel? think? act? sister of my soul, bonded by heart-blood, blood so weak, thinner than water. we above it, we below it. running away. running to it everyday. with eyes shut tight. shouting out in terrified, unending, wails echoing, silently, twice over, 184 months apart. i dont know you. i dont want to see you. u only exist in the slices i choose.
song in my head
i used to belive that when a song suddenly pops into ur head its a like little messege from ur subC. Often I found myself thinking about them and actually finding clues about what I was thinking without even realising it! And then Id realise it was true. Dunno if it works with anyone else. Song in my head ...
"muJhe tum nazar se gira to rahe ho
muJhe tum kabhi bhi bhula na sakoge
na jaane muJhe kyoon yakiN ho chala hai
mere pyaar ko tum mitaa na sakoge
meri yaad hogi jidhar jaaoge tum
kabhi nagma banke kabhi banke aansoo
kabhi nagma banke kabhi banke aansoo
tadapta muJhe har taraf paaoge tum
shama jo jalaayi hai meri wafa ne
bujhaana bhi chaaho bujha na sakoge
kabhi naam baatoN meiN aaya jo mera
to bechain ho hoke dil thaam loge
to bechain ho hoke dil thaam loge
nigahon mein chaayega gham ka andhera
kisi ne jo poocha sabab-a-subooN ka
bataana bhi chaaho bata na sakoge"
"muJhe tum nazar se gira to rahe ho
muJhe tum kabhi bhi bhula na sakoge
na jaane muJhe kyoon yakiN ho chala hai
mere pyaar ko tum mitaa na sakoge
meri yaad hogi jidhar jaaoge tum
kabhi nagma banke kabhi banke aansoo
kabhi nagma banke kabhi banke aansoo
tadapta muJhe har taraf paaoge tum
shama jo jalaayi hai meri wafa ne
bujhaana bhi chaaho bujha na sakoge
kabhi naam baatoN meiN aaya jo mera
to bechain ho hoke dil thaam loge
to bechain ho hoke dil thaam loge
nigahon mein chaayega gham ka andhera
kisi ne jo poocha sabab-a-subooN ka
bataana bhi chaaho bata na sakoge"
in the pouring rain
for many nights have I dreamed this dream
for many days have I cried for this
for many years have I waited for this ...
its raining. in cal. and im home. alone. i know it will pass. but while it lasts ... its madeinheaven (it was all meant to be).
its been a while. so it feels strange. im happy. like he said, im trying to live for myself. &^%# the world. when u try to keep people happy - it never really works. they are never happy ... tehy are happy with you only as long as u listen to them. the min u do one single thing that they dont like - u become a villain forever ... and they forget everything u have ever done for them. they never stop towonder about or try to understand why u do things. they just see what you do.
to keep calm and to forget. thats the key. its morning. the night is over. let it go. its raining. again. and i'm home.
home is being with everything thats comfortable. home is no more worrying, translating, censoring, pretending. home is what u have grown up to. home is farenheit. home is being able to vocalise ... any crap - just for fun, or just to make a point - and secure in the knowledge that if u say something u dont mean then the walls on which r words fall know u well enough to know ur talking crap.
for many days have I cried for this
for many years have I waited for this ...
its raining. in cal. and im home. alone. i know it will pass. but while it lasts ... its madeinheaven (it was all meant to be).
its been a while. so it feels strange. im happy. like he said, im trying to live for myself. &^%# the world. when u try to keep people happy - it never really works. they are never happy ... tehy are happy with you only as long as u listen to them. the min u do one single thing that they dont like - u become a villain forever ... and they forget everything u have ever done for them. they never stop towonder about or try to understand why u do things. they just see what you do.
to keep calm and to forget. thats the key. its morning. the night is over. let it go. its raining. again. and i'm home.
home is being with everything thats comfortable. home is no more worrying, translating, censoring, pretending. home is what u have grown up to. home is farenheit. home is being able to vocalise ... any crap - just for fun, or just to make a point - and secure in the knowledge that if u say something u dont mean then the walls on which r words fall know u well enough to know ur talking crap.
on the road again
its time to go again
its time to cry again
this is the worst ... everyone you love
in one place. those rare times
and you walk away
its time to cry again
this is the worst ... everyone you love
in one place. those rare times
and you walk away
quote-unquote
"Real poetry doesn't say anything, it just ticks off the possibilities, opens all doors. You can walk through any one that suits you. If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people from the limited ways in which they see and feel." James Douglas Morrison
and two old poems I rediscovered
while spring-cleaning
tucked away
forgotten
some dusty corner of my cyberspace
THE RING
To go like I came
Unburdened an clean
A full circle
All things contained
PM24032003
YOU
You rode down from the skies
On a deep dark restless night
On the wings of a silver moon
I was wandering alone
Wanted to be far from the madding crowd
I wanted to be on my own for awhile
Suddenly there was sound
And I looked around
And there you were, an angel, an imp, a friend ...
standing right beside me
You caught me unawares
I wasnt looking out for you
Was just so nice to be by your side
I guess my doors were open wide
Didnt notice when you crept quietly in
And made ur self at home
In some quiet corner of my heart
And now it feels so right
Everything is alright
Dont go away
Please, wont you stay
Forever ...
In some quite corner
of my heart.
PM04202003
and two old poems I rediscovered
while spring-cleaning
tucked away
forgotten
some dusty corner of my cyberspace
THE RING
To go like I came
Unburdened an clean
A full circle
All things contained
PM24032003
YOU
You rode down from the skies
On a deep dark restless night
On the wings of a silver moon
I was wandering alone
Wanted to be far from the madding crowd
I wanted to be on my own for awhile
Suddenly there was sound
And I looked around
And there you were, an angel, an imp, a friend ...
standing right beside me
You caught me unawares
I wasnt looking out for you
Was just so nice to be by your side
I guess my doors were open wide
Didnt notice when you crept quietly in
And made ur self at home
In some quiet corner of my heart
And now it feels so right
Everything is alright
Dont go away
Please, wont you stay
Forever ...
In some quite corner
of my heart.
PM04202003
dreaming again
been wanting to write about someone for a long time. a girl i know. my moms friends kid ... but it will be so long ... and so much effort. feeling lazy! im amazed at how much i can sleep! i will. someday. soon ...
feeling a bit lost ...
for the last 7 to 8 odd years my studies and my work has been the only life ive had. i mean ive had major happennings happening in my personal life - obviously ... but my work was all i really gave a shit about
for 5 years i was outside looking in. i loved T with a passion i have never felt for anything or anyone else. for the last 3 yrs - from inside - T was the be all and end all of my existence
now suddenly I feel a 7 yr itch. i feel a strange feeling ... of dissatisfaction. of wanting other things ... of dreaming of other things. all blame to mamta and anirban ... the brat pack ... they set me dreaming impossible dreamz
but it would'nt work and its too late. im not like that. im a mechanic. a mistri type ... gaonwalla type ... i cant do art and literature. best left to ping and pong dreaming grassy dreamz on the chhatta. and im better off where I am ... if im not careful ... ill be the star of the revival of the bird in hand bird in bush story ... nowhere ...
but vani once said - when we were still young and alive - that u cant become who you want to be by staying who you are ... she drew me a rainbow ... or she drew someone else a rainbow and sent it to me. vani. my only real friend of those 4 years ... she'd said she'll mail everyday ... but i knew she wont. and i also knew it wont matter ... because she is a friend. its a concept beyond geography & time and mails and calls and current news ... its a way of being ... and she is.
i remember the abandonded temple in the woods where we used to go to to sit and chat. someone asked me recently if i missed college. i thought of the temples. and a huge orange moon hung way down low ... one evening when i went to call you from ur pg's place. i dont miss college. but i have some very fond memories. for all of my yesterdays -thats true.
feeling a bit lost ...
for the last 7 to 8 odd years my studies and my work has been the only life ive had. i mean ive had major happennings happening in my personal life - obviously ... but my work was all i really gave a shit about
for 5 years i was outside looking in. i loved T with a passion i have never felt for anything or anyone else. for the last 3 yrs - from inside - T was the be all and end all of my existence
now suddenly I feel a 7 yr itch. i feel a strange feeling ... of dissatisfaction. of wanting other things ... of dreaming of other things. all blame to mamta and anirban ... the brat pack ... they set me dreaming impossible dreamz
but it would'nt work and its too late. im not like that. im a mechanic. a mistri type ... gaonwalla type ... i cant do art and literature. best left to ping and pong dreaming grassy dreamz on the chhatta. and im better off where I am ... if im not careful ... ill be the star of the revival of the bird in hand bird in bush story ... nowhere ...
but vani once said - when we were still young and alive - that u cant become who you want to be by staying who you are ... she drew me a rainbow ... or she drew someone else a rainbow and sent it to me. vani. my only real friend of those 4 years ... she'd said she'll mail everyday ... but i knew she wont. and i also knew it wont matter ... because she is a friend. its a concept beyond geography & time and mails and calls and current news ... its a way of being ... and she is.
i remember the abandonded temple in the woods where we used to go to to sit and chat. someone asked me recently if i missed college. i thought of the temples. and a huge orange moon hung way down low ... one evening when i went to call you from ur pg's place. i dont miss college. but i have some very fond memories. for all of my yesterdays -thats true.
relationships
when you have a child, you feel like protecting her from everything. The first grown up tears you see in her eyes, the smoke, the grass, the ways of the world outside ... Each phase of her life she thinks unique,
you have lived through. Each conclusion she draws after nights of struggle, you have done too.
But you cant grow flowers in closed glass shells. You have to let your children be. You have to let them run wild and live. You have to let them explore and discover life on their own. And if they fall or hurt themselves, even irrepairably in the process, you have to shut up and not preach or have heart attacks. in the end its all ok. in the end it never matters. nothing matters. except for you. and what you make of ur 'You'.
All you can do is be around. And be a friend. Even that is sometimes too much for our frail human capacities. Even that we cant really always do ... and we think and dream of doing so much!
When you have a grown up, you expect so much from them. How many of us can really see our parents, or our parent-figures as real people. We see them just as our parents. Why is it such a big deal if u catch ur parents doing something you cant accept when you would think twice about it if it was just another friend. Why is it so hard to accept if our parents are bad people ... we desperately want, need, a parent figure ... we Need to have someone to love blindly, to love us blindly, to take for granted, to take us for granted.
I have heard 'taking people for granted' critised so much. but there is a huge comfort in it. we need that too. along with the hajaar other comforts we run after all our lives
you have lived through. Each conclusion she draws after nights of struggle, you have done too.
But you cant grow flowers in closed glass shells. You have to let your children be. You have to let them run wild and live. You have to let them explore and discover life on their own. And if they fall or hurt themselves, even irrepairably in the process, you have to shut up and not preach or have heart attacks. in the end its all ok. in the end it never matters. nothing matters. except for you. and what you make of ur 'You'.
All you can do is be around. And be a friend. Even that is sometimes too much for our frail human capacities. Even that we cant really always do ... and we think and dream of doing so much!
When you have a grown up, you expect so much from them. How many of us can really see our parents, or our parent-figures as real people. We see them just as our parents. Why is it such a big deal if u catch ur parents doing something you cant accept when you would think twice about it if it was just another friend. Why is it so hard to accept if our parents are bad people ... we desperately want, need, a parent figure ... we Need to have someone to love blindly, to love us blindly, to take for granted, to take us for granted.
I have heard 'taking people for granted' critised so much. but there is a huge comfort in it. we need that too. along with the hajaar other comforts we run after all our lives
unfinished words
i wanted to write about how it feels to hate her
i wanted to write about how it feels to be with all four members of the family after 4 years
i wanted to write about how it feels to be friends with her again
i wanted to write about how it feels to about how it tears me apart that he is gone
i wanted to write about how it feels to realise that i have grown old
that i will never love again ... never write mushy letters to someone ... never miss anyone again ... that im heartless now ...
but pong wants the comp ... so i gotto run and ill come back and finish this later.
i wanted to write about how it feels to be with all four members of the family after 4 years
i wanted to write about how it feels to be friends with her again
i wanted to write about how it feels to about how it tears me apart that he is gone
i wanted to write about how it feels to realise that i have grown old
that i will never love again ... never write mushy letters to someone ... never miss anyone again ... that im heartless now ...
but pong wants the comp ... so i gotto run and ill come back and finish this later.
from outside, looking in
i rarely go to anyones blog anymore. my net time is too limited. but i went to his yesterday. i wanted to show pong what he writes. its amazing how well he writes. his pictures, his poems, his words, his songs everything amazes me. i wonder how he is in real life.
thats something cool about this cyber life. you read what all these people write, everyday. and you have no clue, who they are, what they are like, what they like ... but you form this fixed image in your head ... mira's a momma angel, anu is my dearest forever-weary friend, diya reminds me of my kid sister, poly is a brat, jill is a darling, fgs is an angel ... but we really know nothing about them, do we? we just see one tiny aspect, one face of so many that each person has and like the blind men and the elephant, we draw our conclusions
but then, is real life any different? no. its just the same. i was talking to my dad about this just now. thats the best part about the dubai vacations. always. the early morning chats - all 4 of us - before falling asleep over our whiskey on the rocks and the room full of smoke ... we are such a madcap family. and i love it.
coming back, we never know. what people really are like. or we dont want to know. its like a library. when we join a very big library, we get hooked on to one section wherevere we find a few books we know and love. and we seldon bother the explore the whole library. thats why we often feel that have rediscovered someone we knew for ages ... but in our blindness we dont recognise this rediscovery for what it is. instead, we say they have changed, or we feel betrayed, or let down. but in all probabality, what we see is something that was always there. we just didnt chose to see it till now.
and does the same thing not apply to ourselves. are we not as blind and as blindly confident in our understanding of ourselves, as well as others. i, for one, dont know myself at all. everyday I discover something new about myself. its fascinating. when I was younger I too thought that I am changing, evolving everyday ... but now I feel, perhaps I am just on an everlasting journey of self discovery. and perhaps thats all Im here for. and perhaps its not such a bad thing, this self obsession.
thats something cool about this cyber life. you read what all these people write, everyday. and you have no clue, who they are, what they are like, what they like ... but you form this fixed image in your head ... mira's a momma angel, anu is my dearest forever-weary friend, diya reminds me of my kid sister, poly is a brat, jill is a darling, fgs is an angel ... but we really know nothing about them, do we? we just see one tiny aspect, one face of so many that each person has and like the blind men and the elephant, we draw our conclusions
but then, is real life any different? no. its just the same. i was talking to my dad about this just now. thats the best part about the dubai vacations. always. the early morning chats - all 4 of us - before falling asleep over our whiskey on the rocks and the room full of smoke ... we are such a madcap family. and i love it.
coming back, we never know. what people really are like. or we dont want to know. its like a library. when we join a very big library, we get hooked on to one section wherevere we find a few books we know and love. and we seldon bother the explore the whole library. thats why we often feel that have rediscovered someone we knew for ages ... but in our blindness we dont recognise this rediscovery for what it is. instead, we say they have changed, or we feel betrayed, or let down. but in all probabality, what we see is something that was always there. we just didnt chose to see it till now.
and does the same thing not apply to ourselves. are we not as blind and as blindly confident in our understanding of ourselves, as well as others. i, for one, dont know myself at all. everyday I discover something new about myself. its fascinating. when I was younger I too thought that I am changing, evolving everyday ... but now I feel, perhaps I am just on an everlasting journey of self discovery. and perhaps thats all Im here for. and perhaps its not such a bad thing, this self obsession.
now i have the fever once again
been down with the flu. endless hours on my little bed, next to my little window, and waiting for her to come home reminds me of my childhood
she wanted to open a bottle of wine last night. we chose a white bcz of the pong ... but ping and pong left after a glass ... i know she "hates her" and all the reasons and justifications ... but ... cant they maintain peace for a birthday?
people are so intolerant? everyone has flaws ... glaring hideous - ugly flaws ... unbearable, revolting. still you have to love them. you have to ignore the bad and love the good. but she says Im nuts
guess its just a phase. guess I was like that then too. hard. clean. proud. unbending??? now Im softer cz Im beaten to pulp? no - I dont want her like that. she's better of like this. my little angel pong. atleast she's still clean. free from cancerous pity and fear
saw hrishikesh. who is he? tvs saregama(pa) ... dunno ... he has this innocent clean on his face. i saw him and felt scared. at the thought of him going through life ... here. now. like you'd feel scared if a happy cheerful shirping sparrow was hopping into a cobra's nest. thats the life Ive seen. thats the world Ive seen.
i lay on the terrace last night. on the railing ... at the edge. with a arm and a leg hanging on the otherside. vast stories rushing down below ... what a feeling. above ... cerullean skies, silver stars, wispy clouds and flashing lighting ... and ram da's jasmine spreading soaking sweet all around.
vertigo ... fear you will want to fall? yes - just finished "unbearable lightness ..." . back to sarte. "what is literature". read high fidelity. its re-defining. I lost my dvd though :(
Im listening to who's next, tommy and "breaks like a little girl" and ofcourse ghalib in the night. leaving for dubai today ... dreading it. empty rooms. dunno when Ill write again.
she wanted to open a bottle of wine last night. we chose a white bcz of the pong ... but ping and pong left after a glass ... i know she "hates her" and all the reasons and justifications ... but ... cant they maintain peace for a birthday?
people are so intolerant? everyone has flaws ... glaring hideous - ugly flaws ... unbearable, revolting. still you have to love them. you have to ignore the bad and love the good. but she says Im nuts
guess its just a phase. guess I was like that then too. hard. clean. proud. unbending??? now Im softer cz Im beaten to pulp? no - I dont want her like that. she's better of like this. my little angel pong. atleast she's still clean. free from cancerous pity and fear
saw hrishikesh. who is he? tvs saregama(pa) ... dunno ... he has this innocent clean on his face. i saw him and felt scared. at the thought of him going through life ... here. now. like you'd feel scared if a happy cheerful shirping sparrow was hopping into a cobra's nest. thats the life Ive seen. thats the world Ive seen.
i lay on the terrace last night. on the railing ... at the edge. with a arm and a leg hanging on the otherside. vast stories rushing down below ... what a feeling. above ... cerullean skies, silver stars, wispy clouds and flashing lighting ... and ram da's jasmine spreading soaking sweet all around.
vertigo ... fear you will want to fall? yes - just finished "unbearable lightness ..." . back to sarte. "what is literature". read high fidelity. its re-defining. I lost my dvd though :(
Im listening to who's next, tommy and "breaks like a little girl" and ofcourse ghalib in the night. leaving for dubai today ... dreading it. empty rooms. dunno when Ill write again.
cry, sky of mine ... cry
it was my first rains in kolkata after ages
a real proper calcutta rain
the kinds where you bring down your glass windchimes for fear that they will break
and the kinds where you
run up to the terrace to get soaked in and ur
skin hurts bcz its coming down so hard
awesome rain ...
wild rain ...
driving rain
pouring rain
it raged all night
and in the morning when I woke
it had just begun to calm down
to a normal drop drop rythm
everyone was sleeping ... everyone wakes up late and sleeps late at my place ...
my room has huge windows all around and its just below the terrace (actually everyones is ...)
and the curtains were drawn
the room was dark, still, calm ...
and rain fell around
i woke up to the rythm ...
it felt like the sea waves
on the shell of a curled up animal
which reminded me of rahul and how he used to call me a turtle ... i miss rahul ...
and i fell back into
dream of seas, sand, solitude, sunrise or sunset and
gulls crying
went to SPE friday night anyway
it was great - someof the old adventure
not knowing if we will be able to go
till the end
it had all become so easy after we "grew-up"
and then sat again ... dylan night
met pom. she was a surpise
so different from what I expected
but so sweet. fresh. funny.
cute ... :)
she told me I looked "really old" compared to what she'd expected. which made me happy i guess :)
but the best thing was sunday ...
rahul II, munal and me ... we just lazed and roamed and loafed beyond imagining. and tried to redine
goodoldfashinoned kolkata style
changrami ...
a real proper calcutta rain
the kinds where you bring down your glass windchimes for fear that they will break
and the kinds where you
run up to the terrace to get soaked in and ur
skin hurts bcz its coming down so hard
awesome rain ...
wild rain ...
driving rain
pouring rain
it raged all night
and in the morning when I woke
it had just begun to calm down
to a normal drop drop rythm
everyone was sleeping ... everyone wakes up late and sleeps late at my place ...
my room has huge windows all around and its just below the terrace (actually everyones is ...)
and the curtains were drawn
the room was dark, still, calm ...
and rain fell around
i woke up to the rythm ...
it felt like the sea waves
on the shell of a curled up animal
which reminded me of rahul and how he used to call me a turtle ... i miss rahul ...
and i fell back into
dream of seas, sand, solitude, sunrise or sunset and
gulls crying
went to SPE friday night anyway
it was great - someof the old adventure
not knowing if we will be able to go
till the end
it had all become so easy after we "grew-up"
and then sat again ... dylan night
met pom. she was a surpise
so different from what I expected
but so sweet. fresh. funny.
cute ... :)
she told me I looked "really old" compared to what she'd expected. which made me happy i guess :)
but the best thing was sunday ...
rahul II, munal and me ... we just lazed and roamed and loafed beyond imagining. and tried to redine
goodoldfashinoned kolkata style
changrami ...
im blue grey brown
i keep telling myself that its a new road ahead and all thatcrap
everything will be allright
no one is ever irrevokably, irredeemably doomed, cursed, written of...theres hope. but like everything else - Ivebecome numb to thattoo - underneath it all
everything i say do react to ... its all false - its all crap ...im smiling, laughing, talking bcz if u knew - u would ask ... and if i told u the truth ... it would take me a year or two to finish for starts ...itsbeen such a long life
anyway - fuck it - who cares ... i met pom at t SPE - dylan night ... it was great. she is great
but its funny how you form these pre conceptions about people ... when u really haveno clue ... do you
like its funny how we interpret things everywhere - all forms of communication and cling to them in all our convinced glory
i miss sauce ... and chatts ...miss them like crazy. a "homecoming" doesnt seem complete without them ...
spoke to jinx ... mu bestfriend. everything is so sordid
i wonder why ... is that all its about ...an endless series of let downs and dissapointments and curious people with their sordid curiousity?
no one really gives a flying fuck how you feel or if it can be fixed ... they justwanna know how /why / when ..."give them the story" "pour on the juice"
screwball ...i sound bitter and pissed off. not really. its just that being back in cal makes me a wee little bit truer to self and im more of a creep openly than otherwise
everything will be allright
no one is ever irrevokably, irredeemably doomed, cursed, written of...theres hope. but like everything else - Ivebecome numb to thattoo - underneath it all
everything i say do react to ... its all false - its all crap ...im smiling, laughing, talking bcz if u knew - u would ask ... and if i told u the truth ... it would take me a year or two to finish for starts ...itsbeen such a long life
anyway - fuck it - who cares ... i met pom at t SPE - dylan night ... it was great. she is great
but its funny how you form these pre conceptions about people ... when u really haveno clue ... do you
like its funny how we interpret things everywhere - all forms of communication and cling to them in all our convinced glory
i miss sauce ... and chatts ...miss them like crazy. a "homecoming" doesnt seem complete without them ...
spoke to jinx ... mu bestfriend. everything is so sordid
i wonder why ... is that all its about ...an endless series of let downs and dissapointments and curious people with their sordid curiousity?
no one really gives a flying fuck how you feel or if it can be fixed ... they justwanna know how /why / when ..."give them the story" "pour on the juice"
screwball ...i sound bitter and pissed off. not really. its just that being back in cal makes me a wee little bit truer to self and im more of a creep openly than otherwise
black night
i had the strangest dream...
i dreamt of one person divided into two
good and bad
and i killed the bad
in the horriblest way
i wrote this weird thing last night ...
cz I couldnt sleep
and i couldnt bear the mosquiotoes anymore
the ac was on in my room downstairs
but i was on the terrace
wondering if it would rain again
have you ever seen the rain?
"
its coming down in inky black
sheets and sheets white white streaks
im split in two
whos is who
why does the mirror still look so naive...
there was a scar,from every blow
why dont the scars show
because if you dont show the scars
if you hide ur pain and tears
they'llonly curse you
sooner or later
and be shocked at the mask
i cry all the time
cryings what i do
suddenly, mid conversation, mid-hug, mid-joke
i cant hold it anymore
looking back
i can trace
when my life started going wrong
6 months before i was born
thats wherethe mistkaes start
i dont have eyes
i dont have a mind
i dont have a heart
anymore
im just a crazy
blurr in the mirror
but it doesnt matter anymore"
i dreamt of one person divided into two
good and bad
and i killed the bad
in the horriblest way
i wrote this weird thing last night ...
cz I couldnt sleep
and i couldnt bear the mosquiotoes anymore
the ac was on in my room downstairs
but i was on the terrace
wondering if it would rain again
have you ever seen the rain?
"
its coming down in inky black
sheets and sheets white white streaks
im split in two
whos is who
why does the mirror still look so naive...
there was a scar,from every blow
why dont the scars show
because if you dont show the scars
if you hide ur pain and tears
they'llonly curse you
sooner or later
and be shocked at the mask
i cry all the time
cryings what i do
suddenly, mid conversation, mid-hug, mid-joke
i cant hold it anymore
looking back
i can trace
when my life started going wrong
6 months before i was born
thats wherethe mistkaes start
i dont have eyes
i dont have a mind
i dont have a heart
anymore
im just a crazy
blurr in the mirror
but it doesnt matter anymore"
its been so long since ...
its been 3 alomst years since i did this stuff
how did i ever do it!!! im back exactly where i started
the same crowd, the same team, same cobol, same black and green screen, same 6 year old broken computer, same 'analysis' ...
its so frustrating that i feel like resigning
or putting a gun to my head
and i did it to myself on purpose
sometimes i feel like laughing at myself
and big bloody srewball life i lead
how do i make u see
withouht seeing horror or blankness
in ur baby eyes
its not u -it never was
its just me i was outto destroy
how do i tell u to keep away
the hate i throw
like acid in ur face
was only for me inside
how do i make u go away
to safe places and normal people
im a little crazy
i always was
then being near her just makes it go wild
ive hated her, ive loved her
ive wanted to kill her
ivewanted to slap her, stamp her out, to break eevrything that was her
and ive hated myself
when the wonder returns
at how sweet she is - and how much i love her
how did i ever do it!!! im back exactly where i started
the same crowd, the same team, same cobol, same black and green screen, same 6 year old broken computer, same 'analysis' ...
its so frustrating that i feel like resigning
or putting a gun to my head
and i did it to myself on purpose
sometimes i feel like laughing at myself
and big bloody srewball life i lead
how do i make u see
withouht seeing horror or blankness
in ur baby eyes
its not u -it never was
its just me i was outto destroy
how do i tell u to keep away
the hate i throw
like acid in ur face
was only for me inside
how do i make u go away
to safe places and normal people
im a little crazy
i always was
then being near her just makes it go wild
ive hated her, ive loved her
ive wanted to kill her
ivewanted to slap her, stamp her out, to break eevrything that was her
and ive hated myself
when the wonder returns
at how sweet she is - and how much i love her
after a long time - i was at work and something was happening
it was such an awesome feeling
however well i know i screwed up
and however bad this is ... its still a new start and
im still a part of %$# ... sheesh ... how institutionalised can you get!
anyway ... its like a new class after exams
however you screwed up in the exams
and whatever the f%^& u did in thehols
its still a new class!
it was such an awesome feeling
however well i know i screwed up
and however bad this is ... its still a new start and
im still a part of %$# ... sheesh ... how institutionalised can you get!
anyway ... its like a new class after exams
however you screwed up in the exams
and whatever the f%^& u did in thehols
its still a new class!
and life sucks on ...
they are all ur best friends
though they never have a clue
of whats happening inside you
of all the demons chasing ur soul
they want to laugh and joke and booze and play
and roll in the grass
their world is a nursery world
of lullabies and honour and decencies
ur nurseries were painted with blood
ur nightlight burnt with incest
the very flowers that scent ur soul ... are deseert blooms of bitter fruits
poison ivy ... pretty, sweet and deadly
the breast that suckled you bled poison into ur veins
they cradle they rocked you on, the world you grew up in
the walls the gradens, the skies where you ran free and wild
a dessert, a sea, and lonely forests
they say they are your friends - near and dear
but how can you tell them
and how can you show them
what you know
though they never have a clue
of whats happening inside you
of all the demons chasing ur soul
they want to laugh and joke and booze and play
and roll in the grass
their world is a nursery world
of lullabies and honour and decencies
ur nurseries were painted with blood
ur nightlight burnt with incest
the very flowers that scent ur soul ... are deseert blooms of bitter fruits
poison ivy ... pretty, sweet and deadly
the breast that suckled you bled poison into ur veins
they cradle they rocked you on, the world you grew up in
the walls the gradens, the skies where you ran free and wild
a dessert, a sea, and lonely forests
they say they are your friends - near and dear
but how can you tell them
and how can you show them
what you know
the prodigal returns
been two weeks or so since ive been back here
so much had happened - both good and bad
i was dreading being back - scared of facing ghosts
but surprise - its been a long sweet dream till now
there! now that Ive said it out loud at last
i guess ill have screwballs for
breakfastlunchanddinner from tomorrow!
i was only away for 14 months ...
but so much has changed here
my palio has "grown smaller" my moms car
looks more familiar
my flowerchild kid sis has grown techier
than me
and her room has the writing on the wall ...
all over the walls and the ceiling ...
its mindFblowing!
and one of the only souls
i was looking fwd to meeting again has
moved on to other pastures ... my leo is gone
the #$%$^& didnt even tell me. she told me now.
after i came back ... i asked her to shut up -
i didnt wanna discuss it - and i made some f%^*#
pleasenteries ... but i howled loud all night and
woke up with a stomach ache. so u see -
in the real matters ur still alone -
as always ... bcz ur not brave enough to
let anyone get that close ...
as for the rest - the fat one is here -
so the nights have been a long blur of rock
and booze and someplace else or on the terrace.
its heaven. been so long since I hung around
with some "normal people" - somehow martinians
never get to accept people who didnt go to "S chool"
as normal. and when six martinians get together
its mayhem and it rocks ...
the fat one - was "my first love" - at the
tender age of 10 up until the not so tender
age of 18 ... ofcourse he never paid any
attention cz you dont pay attention to girls
3 yrs junior when ur in school. we've been
good friends ever since and its
fun meeting him again.
i still miss "out there" though ...
so much had happened - both good and bad
i was dreading being back - scared of facing ghosts
but surprise - its been a long sweet dream till now
there! now that Ive said it out loud at last
i guess ill have screwballs for
breakfastlunchanddinner from tomorrow!
i was only away for 14 months ...
but so much has changed here
my palio has "grown smaller" my moms car
looks more familiar
my flowerchild kid sis has grown techier
than me
and her room has the writing on the wall ...
all over the walls and the ceiling ...
its mindFblowing!
and one of the only souls
i was looking fwd to meeting again has
moved on to other pastures ... my leo is gone
the #$%$^& didnt even tell me. she told me now.
after i came back ... i asked her to shut up -
i didnt wanna discuss it - and i made some f%^*#
pleasenteries ... but i howled loud all night and
woke up with a stomach ache. so u see -
in the real matters ur still alone -
as always ... bcz ur not brave enough to
let anyone get that close ...
as for the rest - the fat one is here -
so the nights have been a long blur of rock
and booze and someplace else or on the terrace.
its heaven. been so long since I hung around
with some "normal people" - somehow martinians
never get to accept people who didnt go to "S chool"
as normal. and when six martinians get together
its mayhem and it rocks ...
the fat one - was "my first love" - at the
tender age of 10 up until the not so tender
age of 18 ... ofcourse he never paid any
attention cz you dont pay attention to girls
3 yrs junior when ur in school. we've been
good friends ever since and its
fun meeting him again.
i still miss "out there" though ...
so its goodbye again
How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city.
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?
Too many fragments of the spirit have I scatterd in these streets, and too many are the children of my longing that walk naked among these hills, and I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache.
It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands.
Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst.
Yet I cannot tarry longer. The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark.
For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould.
Fain would I take with me all that is here. But how shall I?
And he said to himself:
Shall the day of parting be the day of gathering?
And shall it be said that my eve was in truth my dawn?
And what shall I give unto him who has left his plough in midfurrow, or to him who has stopped the wheel of his winepress?
Shall my heart become a tree heavy-laden with fruit that I may gather and give unto them?
And shall my desires flow like a fountain that I may fill their cups?
Am I a harp that the hand of the mighty may touch me, or a flute that his breath may pass through me?
A seeker of silences am I, and what treasure have I found in silences that I may dispense with confidence?
If this is my day of harvest, in what fields have I sowed the seed, and in what unrembered seasons?
If this indeed be the hour in which I lift up my lantern, it is not my flame that shall burn therein.
Empty and dark shall I raise my lantern,
And the guardian of the night shall fill it with oil and he shall light it also.
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?
Too many fragments of the spirit have I scatterd in these streets, and too many are the children of my longing that walk naked among these hills, and I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache.
It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands.
Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst.
Yet I cannot tarry longer. The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark.
For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould.
Fain would I take with me all that is here. But how shall I?
And he said to himself:
Shall the day of parting be the day of gathering?
And shall it be said that my eve was in truth my dawn?
And what shall I give unto him who has left his plough in midfurrow, or to him who has stopped the wheel of his winepress?
Shall my heart become a tree heavy-laden with fruit that I may gather and give unto them?
And shall my desires flow like a fountain that I may fill their cups?
Am I a harp that the hand of the mighty may touch me, or a flute that his breath may pass through me?
A seeker of silences am I, and what treasure have I found in silences that I may dispense with confidence?
If this is my day of harvest, in what fields have I sowed the seed, and in what unrembered seasons?
If this indeed be the hour in which I lift up my lantern, it is not my flame that shall burn therein.
Empty and dark shall I raise my lantern,
And the guardian of the night shall fill it with oil and he shall light it also.
hard to say goodbye
more farewells
such sweet mails, gifts, flowers, tears ... i dont deserve this
how will I go and start all over again somewheer else
Again ....
such sweet mails, gifts, flowers, tears ... i dont deserve this
how will I go and start all over again somewheer else
Again ....
up and away
almost there now - my leaving day
theres so much work its driving me nuts
i havent even begun to clean the house
still have some accounts to disable
and some issues to resolve
dont know how everything will get done!
feels horrible to be leaving .... as always
its ironic ... when I didnt know anyone here
and when I was bored and sad and lonely
and wanted to leave all the time,
i couldnt leave then
and now that I have so many friends
and I was having fun, its leaving time
i need a dip in the waters of lethe
im just beinning to think about my next assignment
how when where ....
i wanna come back somewhere here - nearabouts
but that will be touch
the very thought of going back to teh cal office
and facing the big M
the thought of going home
meeting everyone, staying home
the same old crap - everyday
again ... its a pain
but you cant run away forever, i guess
and its only for a short while, hopefully
they wont keep me there forever ...
but how long will I go on like this?
is this what I want for all time?
while I was here - for so long, I had the time and opportunity to do something about it
change course
but I didnt do anything at all
how much of it was laziness and how much fear of a different way of life than I am used to
i must think and do something ... fast
time runs out
theres so much work its driving me nuts
i havent even begun to clean the house
still have some accounts to disable
and some issues to resolve
dont know how everything will get done!
feels horrible to be leaving .... as always
its ironic ... when I didnt know anyone here
and when I was bored and sad and lonely
and wanted to leave all the time,
i couldnt leave then
and now that I have so many friends
and I was having fun, its leaving time
i need a dip in the waters of lethe
im just beinning to think about my next assignment
how when where ....
i wanna come back somewhere here - nearabouts
but that will be touch
the very thought of going back to teh cal office
and facing the big M
the thought of going home
meeting everyone, staying home
the same old crap - everyday
again ... its a pain
but you cant run away forever, i guess
and its only for a short while, hopefully
they wont keep me there forever ...
but how long will I go on like this?
is this what I want for all time?
while I was here - for so long, I had the time and opportunity to do something about it
change course
but I didnt do anything at all
how much of it was laziness and how much fear of a different way of life than I am used to
i must think and do something ... fast
time runs out
do i know that you like me?
yes. but not enough
do i know that you like me?
yes. but its not enough
why am i not eloquent?
what could i really say
im not brave enough ... or anything enough ... any more
what i have to say is better left unsaid
and maybe this time, this much ... for once ... 'is better than none'
rahi na taqaat-e guftaar
aur agar ho bhi
toh kis umeed se kahiye
ki arzoo kya hai
hum to dushman
nehi hai apne?
gair toh tujh se mohabbat hi sahi
jaan tum pein nissaar karte hain
hum nehi jaante ki duwa kya hai
yes. but not enough
do i know that you like me?
yes. but its not enough
why am i not eloquent?
what could i really say
im not brave enough ... or anything enough ... any more
what i have to say is better left unsaid
and maybe this time, this much ... for once ... 'is better than none'
rahi na taqaat-e guftaar
aur agar ho bhi
toh kis umeed se kahiye
ki arzoo kya hai
hum to dushman
nehi hai apne?
gair toh tujh se mohabbat hi sahi
jaan tum pein nissaar karte hain
hum nehi jaante ki duwa kya hai
pause a while at the bend, on the way, and look back ... and feel ur heart grow restful
i should be cleaning up my computer, selling my things, shopping, packing,
winding up and closing accounts but I while my time ... downloading like
kazaa was going out of fashion, watching my netflix movies like im going to
die tomorrow (12 to 6 am ... triology by kieslowski), reading all i can and meeting
up with endless people and shopping and shopping and more shopping ....
we all are good at something. im good at "settling down"
whereever I have stayed for a couple of months, one of my three hostel rooms,
the shared flat, the unshared flat, my numerous relatives, my houses in dubai or cal or syria
its always a place people walk into and feel comfortable in
and I always get comments like "fatts ur room is so comfy man"
its always my place that has the kind of set up where people come
to steal books and go to sleep ... even when Im not home
thats all very nice. but what sucks is that it makes it hard for me
to pack up and go. and thanks my dads job and mine ... I have to packupandgo
a lot! all the time! it hurts. but issokay ... it will be exciting to be home again too!
what im gonna miss most about here? the friends id made,
the ease of staying alone ... or just the memories which held me here :)
Im decorating my life with memories of something that never was
its high time I let go. its always hard for me to let go ...
whether its a old tshirt i picked up from street,
any random scrap lines I wrote ... my diary bulges with writing on
toilet paper, napkins, even a leaf from shantiniketan
and a magazine cover torn out ... sometimes
when "it" grabs you in the middle of thye night
theres no other way to go back to sleep but write it
or a interesting stone i picked up on a beach somewhere,
or book, a melody, a poem, a movie, or a soul
but we must let go ...
what I am feeling a little sad(ish) for ... its something that never could be
that never was and that wouldnt work (atleast for me) even if it was ...
so whats the point in being blue. its gone now ...
atleast I had some semblence, some shadow of it for a while ...
and it was heaven, it was magic, it was music ... everytime! enough!
for this time, this lifetime, enough!
someone jokingly said to me recently that I was spoilt
well actually I am very spoilt. never been spoilt at home
but always been spolit by friends ... and 3 men ... most of all
kams, rahul (bhaiya) and acm ...
3 horrible grumpy, grouchy, mean, silent men ... who will rarely open
their mouths except to snap at you ... but if you can look
through that charade mask ... who will treat you like
a princess, a fairy, a spoilt little girl
its been a beautiful life
all in all. but the best is the friends ive known and loved
the richest are the gifts they gave
Today ... there are so many people in my life, there always were, but I guess the added cyber people are what really make it scary - whatever that maybe,
there are all these people - all of whom I like, care about and maybe even love a bit ...
what is this. how does this work. how do u live this model and still stay in control
am i drifting into a perfect man in many bodies phase
no way. id hate for that to happen.
have you ever felt that someone out there there is one person ... who is just right for you?
i have. always. someday somewhere ... maybe he will come around
have you ever thought that you had found such a person ... to find on closer scrutiny that they were not the one at all?
in one moment. crash down so much adulation and surity ... like the split second when fermina turns and see's florentino
did it ever haoppen to you many many times. and what did you do then? lied? walked? pitied? tried ...
is it only at the end that wewill understand what anything means at all? love, life, work, ambition ...
or ambition for life and love? but most of all ...
ourselves, our motives, the maps of the
dirty shabby, twisted, beautiful, fascinating inroads of our inner most souls
winding up and closing accounts but I while my time ... downloading like
kazaa was going out of fashion, watching my netflix movies like im going to
die tomorrow (12 to 6 am ... triology by kieslowski), reading all i can and meeting
up with endless people and shopping and shopping and more shopping ....
we all are good at something. im good at "settling down"
whereever I have stayed for a couple of months, one of my three hostel rooms,
the shared flat, the unshared flat, my numerous relatives, my houses in dubai or cal or syria
its always a place people walk into and feel comfortable in
and I always get comments like "fatts ur room is so comfy man"
its always my place that has the kind of set up where people come
to steal books and go to sleep ... even when Im not home
thats all very nice. but what sucks is that it makes it hard for me
to pack up and go. and thanks my dads job and mine ... I have to packupandgo
a lot! all the time! it hurts. but issokay ... it will be exciting to be home again too!
what im gonna miss most about here? the friends id made,
the ease of staying alone ... or just the memories which held me here :)
Im decorating my life with memories of something that never was
its high time I let go. its always hard for me to let go ...
whether its a old tshirt i picked up from street,
any random scrap lines I wrote ... my diary bulges with writing on
toilet paper, napkins, even a leaf from shantiniketan
and a magazine cover torn out ... sometimes
when "it" grabs you in the middle of thye night
theres no other way to go back to sleep but write it
or a interesting stone i picked up on a beach somewhere,
or book, a melody, a poem, a movie, or a soul
but we must let go ...
what I am feeling a little sad(ish) for ... its something that never could be
that never was and that wouldnt work (atleast for me) even if it was ...
so whats the point in being blue. its gone now ...
atleast I had some semblence, some shadow of it for a while ...
and it was heaven, it was magic, it was music ... everytime! enough!
for this time, this lifetime, enough!
someone jokingly said to me recently that I was spoilt
well actually I am very spoilt. never been spoilt at home
but always been spolit by friends ... and 3 men ... most of all
kams, rahul (bhaiya) and acm ...
3 horrible grumpy, grouchy, mean, silent men ... who will rarely open
their mouths except to snap at you ... but if you can look
through that charade mask ... who will treat you like
a princess, a fairy, a spoilt little girl
its been a beautiful life
all in all. but the best is the friends ive known and loved
the richest are the gifts they gave
Today ... there are so many people in my life, there always were, but I guess the added cyber people are what really make it scary - whatever that maybe,
there are all these people - all of whom I like, care about and maybe even love a bit ...
what is this. how does this work. how do u live this model and still stay in control
am i drifting into a perfect man in many bodies phase
no way. id hate for that to happen.
have you ever felt that someone out there there is one person ... who is just right for you?
i have. always. someday somewhere ... maybe he will come around
have you ever thought that you had found such a person ... to find on closer scrutiny that they were not the one at all?
in one moment. crash down so much adulation and surity ... like the split second when fermina turns and see's florentino
did it ever haoppen to you many many times. and what did you do then? lied? walked? pitied? tried ...
is it only at the end that wewill understand what anything means at all? love, life, work, ambition ...
or ambition for life and love? but most of all ...
ourselves, our motives, the maps of the
dirty shabby, twisted, beautiful, fascinating inroads of our inner most souls
Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell.
Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.
Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.
Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all
my cyber home!
I moved my url - but it will still show up in search - I dont wanna change the name ... what do I do :(
Its a kind of magic
im not sure why it happens. or if it happens at all or I am imagining it all
when I was feeling numb and introspective and like a spectator to my mind ... i stumbled upon 'frieda'
when i was craving a movie where gays are not ridiculed i stumbled upon 'all over the man'
when i was torn by the past i stumbled upon 'magnolia' and '1000 acres'
and when i was dreamy again i hit upon serendipity
when i was wondering what it meant i found '100 years'
when i felt like a loser it gave me 'u've got mail' ("i know u feel like a big fat loser now but ...")
life chases u, it gives u surprise gufts when ur down and pushes u ahead when ur tired
it sends u clues and pointers when ur lost and confused.
everything, everyday is a clue, a test
serendipity blew my mind ...
is this life saying "it doesnt have to be this way"?
is thise lifes way of saying its okay to run away sometimes (hah! it shouldnt be saying that from me - the forever escapist the runway)
life is strange
who knows what tomorrow will bring
and today - its stuck in mires of unpleasant to humdrum-okay-ness-es ... with moments tucked in between here and there which sparkle and shine
is this what we want? is this enough?
do we want to live with people who make us want to throw up most of the time - bcz they cry when u try to run away
why cant we like those who like us, love those who love us, care for those who care for us?
all u want is to run ahead ... on a long wide clear road, lit up with sunshine and shadows interwoven, lined by trees, scattered with obstacles, cooled by lakes on the side of the road, burned by the pain in ur limbs as u move, chilled by the night winds, warmed by the morning sun. running, free. getting somewhere. getting closer and closer. but to what. and getting where. i dont know. away from people - from every one. a house. in a forest. with birds and dogs and tigers. wild lakes to swim in. patio's to dream on. balconies in which to walk in the moonlight. bottomless libraries. internet. all the movies u ever wanted. horses. and fish to watch on lazy summer afternoons.
is that what u wanted? no its not even that. then what? i dont know. but not this. that much i know.
i keep making the same mistakes again and again. i dont know if 'mistakes' is the correct word but I keep getting in the same situation repeatedly ... i knowingly willingly walk into these things and then im suffocated and trying to run.
but im going home. im going to my house and my dogs and my car again. my books. my music. my desk. everything ... its been a while. its been a long while. im glad. im not scared. how hard can it be? just open ur mouth shut ur ears ....... and say it! ;) get rid of the garbage that uve picked up on the way. springclean ur life of the trash.
wish i could ...
when I was feeling numb and introspective and like a spectator to my mind ... i stumbled upon 'frieda'
when i was craving a movie where gays are not ridiculed i stumbled upon 'all over the man'
when i was torn by the past i stumbled upon 'magnolia' and '1000 acres'
and when i was dreamy again i hit upon serendipity
when i was wondering what it meant i found '100 years'
when i felt like a loser it gave me 'u've got mail' ("i know u feel like a big fat loser now but ...")
life chases u, it gives u surprise gufts when ur down and pushes u ahead when ur tired
it sends u clues and pointers when ur lost and confused.
everything, everyday is a clue, a test
serendipity blew my mind ...
is this life saying "it doesnt have to be this way"?
is thise lifes way of saying its okay to run away sometimes (hah! it shouldnt be saying that from me - the forever escapist the runway)
life is strange
who knows what tomorrow will bring
and today - its stuck in mires of unpleasant to humdrum-okay-ness-es ... with moments tucked in between here and there which sparkle and shine
is this what we want? is this enough?
do we want to live with people who make us want to throw up most of the time - bcz they cry when u try to run away
why cant we like those who like us, love those who love us, care for those who care for us?
all u want is to run ahead ... on a long wide clear road, lit up with sunshine and shadows interwoven, lined by trees, scattered with obstacles, cooled by lakes on the side of the road, burned by the pain in ur limbs as u move, chilled by the night winds, warmed by the morning sun. running, free. getting somewhere. getting closer and closer. but to what. and getting where. i dont know. away from people - from every one. a house. in a forest. with birds and dogs and tigers. wild lakes to swim in. patio's to dream on. balconies in which to walk in the moonlight. bottomless libraries. internet. all the movies u ever wanted. horses. and fish to watch on lazy summer afternoons.
is that what u wanted? no its not even that. then what? i dont know. but not this. that much i know.
i keep making the same mistakes again and again. i dont know if 'mistakes' is the correct word but I keep getting in the same situation repeatedly ... i knowingly willingly walk into these things and then im suffocated and trying to run.
but im going home. im going to my house and my dogs and my car again. my books. my music. my desk. everything ... its been a while. its been a long while. im glad. im not scared. how hard can it be? just open ur mouth shut ur ears ....... and say it! ;) get rid of the garbage that uve picked up on the way. springclean ur life of the trash.
wish i could ...
no time to write - but this says a lot
"It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
Til you wise up"
Aimee Mann, Wise Up
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
Til you wise up"
Aimee Mann, Wise Up
how do you say it to someone
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain’t getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There’s nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that’ll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn’t make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I’m tired of words and I’m too hoarse to shout
But you’ve been cold to me so long
I’m crying icicles instead of tears
And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you
I need you
But -- there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
Now don’t be sad
’cause two out of three ain’t bad
Now don’t be sad
’cause two out of three ain’t bad
You’ll never find your gold on a sandy beach
You’ll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you’re looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain’t no coupe de ville hiding at the bottom of a cracker jack box
I can’t lie
I can’t tell you that I’m something I’m not
No matter how I try
I’ll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven’t got
There’s only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I’ll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
Ooh I know
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away
And she kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
I want you
I need you
But there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
Now don’t be sad
’cause two out of three ain’t bad
I want you
I need you
But there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
Now don’t be sad
’cause two out of three ain’t bad
Don’t be sad
’cause two out of three ain’t bad
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain’t getting us nowhere
list
SUPERTRAMP - "Logical Song"
Bad Company - Rock N' Roll Fantasy
Lynard S - the last rebel
Lynard S - sweet home alabama
- lets get down
Joni Mitchell - Big Yellow Taxi
meatloaf - TWO OUT OF THREE AIN’T BAD
Taking care of business - BTO (Bachman-Turner Overdrive )
Take The Long Way Home - Supertramp
Against the Wind - Bob Seger
Have ever seen the rain - CCR (Credence Clear..)
Only Rock n' Roll - Rolling Stones
Old Time Rock and Roll - Bob Seger
Rocking Me Babby - Steve Miller Band
I need a Lover - Pat Benatar
Drift away - Dobie Gray
Too much time on my hands - Styx (Caught in the Act 1981) Carry on
Wayword Son - Kansas
American Woman
Barracuda
Changes
Cold as Ice
Come Sail Away
Don't Do Me like That
Eye in the Sky - Free Ride
Hey Joe
I Can See for Miles
I Want You to Want Me
It's Still Rock and Roll to Me
Love Stinks
Message in a Bottle
Pink Houses
Radar Love
Run to You
School's Out
Sweet Emotion
Walk on the Wild Side
Wheel in the Sky
tom petty - dont do me like that
tom petty - depending on you
travelling willburys - handle me with care
INXS - need you tonight
Aimee Mann Lyrics One
Aimee Mann Lyrics Momentum
Aimee Mann Lyrics Build That Wall
Aimee Mann Lyrics Deathly
Aimee Mann Lyrics Driving Sideways
Aimee Mann Lyrics You Do
Aimee Mann Lyrics Nothing is Good Enough
Aimee Mann Lyrics Wise Up
Aimee Mann Lyrics Save Me
Supertramp Lyrics Goodbye Stranger
Supertramp Lyrics The Logical Song
Gabrielle Lyrics Dreams
Jon Brion Lyrics Magnolia
Bad Company - Rock N' Roll Fantasy
Lynard S - the last rebel
Lynard S - sweet home alabama
- lets get down
Joni Mitchell - Big Yellow Taxi
meatloaf - TWO OUT OF THREE AIN’T BAD
Taking care of business - BTO (Bachman-Turner Overdrive )
Take The Long Way Home - Supertramp
Against the Wind - Bob Seger
Have ever seen the rain - CCR (Credence Clear..)
Only Rock n' Roll - Rolling Stones
Old Time Rock and Roll - Bob Seger
Rocking Me Babby - Steve Miller Band
I need a Lover - Pat Benatar
Drift away - Dobie Gray
Too much time on my hands - Styx (Caught in the Act 1981) Carry on
Wayword Son - Kansas
American Woman
Barracuda
Changes
Cold as Ice
Come Sail Away
Don't Do Me like That
Eye in the Sky - Free Ride
Hey Joe
I Can See for Miles
I Want You to Want Me
It's Still Rock and Roll to Me
Love Stinks
Message in a Bottle
Pink Houses
Radar Love
Run to You
School's Out
Sweet Emotion
Walk on the Wild Side
Wheel in the Sky
tom petty - dont do me like that
tom petty - depending on you
travelling willburys - handle me with care
INXS - need you tonight
Aimee Mann Lyrics One
Aimee Mann Lyrics Momentum
Aimee Mann Lyrics Build That Wall
Aimee Mann Lyrics Deathly
Aimee Mann Lyrics Driving Sideways
Aimee Mann Lyrics You Do
Aimee Mann Lyrics Nothing is Good Enough
Aimee Mann Lyrics Wise Up
Aimee Mann Lyrics Save Me
Supertramp Lyrics Goodbye Stranger
Supertramp Lyrics The Logical Song
Gabrielle Lyrics Dreams
Jon Brion Lyrics Magnolia
its goodbye again
i hate doing this
so much work
i tried and tried to find some way
but nothing worked out
so gotto run run and get everything ready
so much to wind up
Im going crazy
havent been to the gym in more than a week
havent yet sold my car
havent cut off all my accounts
so much to do!
my team mate had some bad news
his sister died in a horrible accident
she fell from a bike and a truck ran over her
in front of her husband and two kids
it must have been so devastating for them
he had to rush back in one day
and here we crib about our piddly little problems
so much work
i tried and tried to find some way
but nothing worked out
so gotto run run and get everything ready
so much to wind up
Im going crazy
havent been to the gym in more than a week
havent yet sold my car
havent cut off all my accounts
so much to do!
my team mate had some bad news
his sister died in a horrible accident
she fell from a bike and a truck ran over her
in front of her husband and two kids
it must have been so devastating for them
he had to rush back in one day
and here we crib about our piddly little problems
cant hurry love
its so hard to control urself and be casual and cool when I talk to you ... Im CRAZY about you! its not real I know. Its just a little crush. And its good Im leaving cz it will be well past :) I wouldnt take you if you were offered on a plate - we're not right. Ure as much a creep as I am ... And anyway I barely know you. Both times we met ... were just mirages in what was then the starkest of deserts
Its not "love" I know
but its so strong a pull
its all i can do to not letr it show
ur the closest thing to perfection I ever knew!
Its not "love" I know
but its so strong a pull
its all i can do to not letr it show
ur the closest thing to perfection I ever knew!
so this it! sdont know what will happen now. back in the bog. and so soon. i was hopeful till the end. i thought it would be okay. but nothing is ever okay for me - is it. back to the fucking bench - for atleast two months! at work and in life. everytime things get a little better - it blows up in my face. at the beginning of this blog - I wrote - I have a friend who is leaving me and it feels like a body is leaving a shadow and the sun is sinking
im a coward ... i feel sorry for creeps and cant tell them how much i hate them
i smile and "stay chill" and wear masks ... and avoid them as much as possible
but sometimes it hurts
sometimes i wonder
how can people be like this ...
how can someone betray you in everyway - how can someone bitch about you, betray your confidences
and spend their lives whining and crying and gathering sympathy
how can you be prostrate with grief bcz
you think ur in love with someone who you barely know
yet you do things like this to them ...
how can you make a fuss over every slight slight you think has been given to you
and be totally impervious to all the dirt you dish out
how can you be so wallowing in self pity and so magnify things that happen to you
what would you do if you were faced with real pain ...
what would you do if ur father raped you
what would you do if you lost your parents
what would you do if you were starving, jobless, and hopeless
what would you do if you had aids and you were dying
oh! what rubbish I dish out early in the morning
im the worst of all i know ... this is what i dislike most in me ... why am I so bloody judgemental all the time ...
sanctimonious ;) yeah!
anyway ... who gives a shit anyway ... lifes like that. shit happens. u gotto keep moving on. thats all.
and you gotto try to be brave. i can handle it - whatever it is.
i smile and "stay chill" and wear masks ... and avoid them as much as possible
but sometimes it hurts
sometimes i wonder
how can people be like this ...
how can someone betray you in everyway - how can someone bitch about you, betray your confidences
and spend their lives whining and crying and gathering sympathy
how can you be prostrate with grief bcz
you think ur in love with someone who you barely know
yet you do things like this to them ...
how can you make a fuss over every slight slight you think has been given to you
and be totally impervious to all the dirt you dish out
how can you be so wallowing in self pity and so magnify things that happen to you
what would you do if you were faced with real pain ...
what would you do if ur father raped you
what would you do if you lost your parents
what would you do if you were starving, jobless, and hopeless
what would you do if you had aids and you were dying
oh! what rubbish I dish out early in the morning
im the worst of all i know ... this is what i dislike most in me ... why am I so bloody judgemental all the time ...
sanctimonious ;) yeah!
anyway ... who gives a shit anyway ... lifes like that. shit happens. u gotto keep moving on. thats all.
and you gotto try to be brave. i can handle it - whatever it is.
its a new day today
what is it about a new day / new week / new year that inspires this tra-la-la Im so kicked mood ...
anyway ... my instructor got mad at me as soon as I walked into the gym (almost) so I got blasted at 5 am for running when Im not supposed to - my knee ... o my knee ... o my poor knee ... when will it stop haunting me ... I shouldve never told her about the accident! ;0)
brilliant weekend! friday saw chupke-chupke again - never fail to get happy over the smooth sweet of HM or the pathetic diction of JB or the brilliance of AB or the splendour of ST ... there are these few heroines I like ... they pull off the oomph-style with dragging down to cheap - in my book - first and foremost zeenat aman! i adore her - #2 manisha ... others ... sharmila / tanuja / waheeda rahman / rani mukherjee / tabu!
went to houston on saturday - long drive - which I wasnt allowed to help out with - poor bugger thought Id bash his car up ... but he kept falling asleep and and we almost got bashed up ... anyway - the highlights of houston ... I got all the goodies ma sent me, met this cool family, got within stroking distance of dogs (3) after a year and some ... and I saw the MOST amazing house! the house itself was paati - no big deal - but the setting was MIND BLOWING - I fell in love with it! imagine sitting on a plush leather couch drinking tree and suddenly looking up to notice a wall of glass and a jungle outside ... well thats what it looked like at first. it was orgasmic ;0) yeah thats an adjective I havent used since my teens!
but the best part was meeting some people who werent the 'paati' crowd I have to take everyday! some decent normal civilised people! i must admit Im a closet snob. i dont check out people based on their family trees like ma ;) and I dont look down on people because they are paati - in fact i hang out with them and like them and try to filter out what I dont like about them ... but still maybe its forced to a extent so it feels really relaxing to meet people like this after a while ... theres only so much chalu hindi music, bad grammer, inexposed crap I can take - after a bit I need a break. GREAT! now I feel likea total bitch for having said this! all people are wonderful - no matter what their externals - but u get used to people of a certain kind - and when ur suddenly thrown into a very "different" crowd ... one ... against many ... u do think about these things once in a while ...
I went to nasa to - but that was a bummer! saw "2 suns in the sunset" - but I didnt have my camera with me so I couldnt click it! on the way back we stopped at this charming little picnic area ... it was dark. the engine was off and my seat inclined all the way and looking up at a brilliant sky lit up with stars. but
saw movies all day sunday - wall / breathless / sophies choice - till 1 am - then up again at 4 for the gym ...ouch!!!
<2b continued>
anyway ... my instructor got mad at me as soon as I walked into the gym (almost) so I got blasted at 5 am for running when Im not supposed to - my knee ... o my knee ... o my poor knee ... when will it stop haunting me ... I shouldve never told her about the accident! ;0)
brilliant weekend! friday saw chupke-chupke again - never fail to get happy over the smooth sweet of HM or the pathetic diction of JB or the brilliance of AB or the splendour of ST ... there are these few heroines I like ... they pull off the oomph-style with dragging down to cheap - in my book - first and foremost zeenat aman! i adore her - #2 manisha ... others ... sharmila / tanuja / waheeda rahman / rani mukherjee / tabu!
went to houston on saturday - long drive - which I wasnt allowed to help out with - poor bugger thought Id bash his car up ... but he kept falling asleep and and we almost got bashed up ... anyway - the highlights of houston ... I got all the goodies ma sent me, met this cool family, got within stroking distance of dogs (3) after a year and some ... and I saw the MOST amazing house! the house itself was paati - no big deal - but the setting was MIND BLOWING - I fell in love with it! imagine sitting on a plush leather couch drinking tree and suddenly looking up to notice a wall of glass and a jungle outside ... well thats what it looked like at first. it was orgasmic ;0) yeah thats an adjective I havent used since my teens!
but the best part was meeting some people who werent the 'paati' crowd I have to take everyday! some decent normal civilised people! i must admit Im a closet snob. i dont check out people based on their family trees like ma ;) and I dont look down on people because they are paati - in fact i hang out with them and like them and try to filter out what I dont like about them ... but still maybe its forced to a extent so it feels really relaxing to meet people like this after a while ... theres only so much chalu hindi music, bad grammer, inexposed crap I can take - after a bit I need a break. GREAT! now I feel likea total bitch for having said this! all people are wonderful - no matter what their externals - but u get used to people of a certain kind - and when ur suddenly thrown into a very "different" crowd ... one ... against many ... u do think about these things once in a while ...
I went to nasa to - but that was a bummer! saw "2 suns in the sunset" - but I didnt have my camera with me so I couldnt click it! on the way back we stopped at this charming little picnic area ... it was dark. the engine was off and my seat inclined all the way and looking up at a brilliant sky lit up with stars. but
saw movies all day sunday - wall / breathless / sophies choice - till 1 am - then up again at 4 for the gym ...ouch!!!
<2b continued>
from Childe Harold, Canto iii, Verse 45, By Lord Byron
he who ascends to mountain-tops shall find
The loftiest peaks most wrapt in clouds and snow;
He who surpasses or subdues mankind,
Must look down on the hate of those below.
Though high above the sun of glory glow,
And far beneath the earth and ocean spread,
Round him are icy rocks, and loudly blow
Contending tempests on his naked head.
And thus rewards the toils which to those summits led.
last night ... i received a sms from baba that gave me some hope again. fuel again. peace from fear again ... i love you 'sonababa'
i saw "somethings gotta give" last night. and i fell in love with it. some of my fav lines from the movie ...
am i (going) mad or does this happen to everyone? they say before you die - or when u know u might ... the scenes from your past life flash by you. like that when i know im moving camp - or may be - the scenes from life there flash past in my mind. and when there is no other process going on i get random flashes of anywhere anytime. like one of those screensavers which pick random snaps from "my pictures". flashes of the past float past my brain. im scared. i dont wanna go. not yet. pls pls pls god not yet.
green pleated skirts (6 inches above the knee) and dark blue blazers in the nursery park
begging the ice cream man for a "orange-stick" ... just in case ... u never know ... just bcz he refused to give " one free" for 6 years doesnt mean he has to say no again ... ("johhny pls - give no - 1 please - free - please no!" "johhny pls - give no - 1 please - free - please no!" "johhny pls - give no - 1 please - free - please no!" in an endless litany) till the bell rings for class again
zeecones on those funny stairs near tuck-shop
mint fudge. chatts acting pricey on squad duty
sauce waltzing off for piano class and the rest of us trailing in her path with wistful eyes as we are stuck in SUPW class ...
first day of socials (was it prize day ... ?) in lawrence hall ... the boyz school band - and twisting by the pool ... (u'll always be my hero)
"footpaths" like heat radiators ... sqatting at the edge ... watching the "grown ups" of ten and above play in their groups
aimlessly loitering the roads of the "para" ... trying to find how my paths there could be between southern avenue and kabir rd and the lakes. walking past the begging of the "lake" ... a pool of mud and the mudmen playing mudball ... football practise in the rain
the smell of kaali bari near chona's house. the flashy here now gone now smile of the basti kid i was so pally with in my old age. the smell of LSP. the khatiya outside sharma's ... the smell of the paneer tikka ... sitting there sloshed at 3am ... watching the string of roadside fires ... this queen wears rubies
the sea tartouse ... where you would have to periodically remind urself that other people exist in the world. dragging my "stick" in the sand ... the sunflowers "jungles" and the olive groves ... the total deep stillness and isolation. the beauty the bliss the addiction to isolation and quiet ... then? at 5?
my rowing club in bristolat dawn. foaming waves of mist above it. the pain in the small of the back. the sound of the woods around when u got back ... the bus station in bristol. the train in damascus. the sun in thailand. the smell of "chingri maachher mailai kaari" the feel of the "rupor thaala" used for birthdays. the sudden cool-th of ma's house, her hand, her cheeks.the feel of having less between ur arms every year when i go back to hug her ... my ma, my anchor, my axis and the fresh sponge feel of when I kiss munu. and the inbetween feel of mummy and the rough spike poky dunhillblacklabel flavoured feel of baba.and the first time i walk in and see papa's snap ...
Im scared of the decision Im weighing ... it would change Everything ... do i want to do it ... more importantly ... can I? is it too late? do I still have the strength in my knuckles to rap on this door? Am I not too old to scrap Everything and start again from fresh. Yes I suppose I am ... Ki re anirban?
on a different note ... how many times a day do u feel like saying "its none of ur f business" or "why dont u just leave me f alone" :) on a differenter note ... why do i still write in this stupid blog? im just "throwing questions into the big black void out there"
bad time strikes
What of it, if only you alone
can understand your own poetry?
The relish is when one person says it,
and. another understands it!
Ghalib would rise against the insults with typical verses like this one;
0 God, they never have, and never will
understand what I have to say
Give them a different heart
if you can't give me a different tongue.
Ghalib, translated.
revisted Ghalib after ages. Im so dying for the weekend. got four dvds Im dying to see ... pride & prejudice (again) and isle of wight (the concert) and breathless.
im really pissed off about stuff ... dunno ... i know i shouldnt be superstitious - but why do i get fucked everytime i get a little happy. anyway - screw it - Im reminded of a IIT line my dad used to say a lot about "when rape is inevitable ..."
can understand your own poetry?
The relish is when one person says it,
and. another understands it!
Ghalib would rise against the insults with typical verses like this one;
0 God, they never have, and never will
understand what I have to say
Give them a different heart
if you can't give me a different tongue.
Ghalib, translated.
revisted Ghalib after ages. Im so dying for the weekend. got four dvds Im dying to see ... pride & prejudice (again) and isle of wight (the concert) and breathless.
im really pissed off about stuff ... dunno ... i know i shouldnt be superstitious - but why do i get fucked everytime i get a little happy. anyway - screw it - Im reminded of a IIT line my dad used to say a lot about "when rape is inevitable ..."
just then the phone rang ....
See the splashing of the kingfisher flashing to the water.
And a river of green is sliding unseen beneath the trees
Laughing as it passes through the endless summer
Making for the sea.
how long has it been since I saw the kingfishers
leaning out of the open train door
faces smudged with excitement
feel the wind shout "hey! welcome back again"
on the way to home again, no more being 'good' no more
late nights, love affairs, food boose and rock and roll
In the lazy water meadow I lay me down.
All around me golden sun flakes settle on the ground.
Basking in the sunshine of a bygone afternoon
Bringing sounds of yesterday into this city room.
lazy summer afternoons
after school at the alipore house
chilled sweets and reading in the sun in the tennis court
tolly afternoons, smell of horses & chlorine
the known unscary world where all the parents r a little wild and bad
Following the path as it leads toward
The darkness in the north
Weary stranger's faces show their sympathy
They've seen that hope before
thought there was so much ahead
thought there was so much to win
thought there was so much i was destined for
all alone, by myself, jealous, possesive, as always
of every thought, every shade, every nuance of the ego
every book i loved, every song and cried with, every lofty dream lusted after
And if you want to stay for a little bit
Rest your aching limbs for a little bit
For you the night is beckoning
And now you can't delay
You hear the night birds calling you
But you can't catch the words they say
And you must you realize be on your way
do u ever feel tired? do u ever feel like the road is too long
do u ever feel like a beginning swimmer
splashing splashing and thrashing in the water
when u open ur eyes ur an inch away, and everyones dissapeared into the distance
Throw your thoughts back many years
To the time when love was life with every morning
Perhaps a day will come when the match for me the curlers past warning
i like it here. but it gets lonely at times. after all i dont know a soul here with whom I dont have to pretend with whom u dont have to be careful not to shock. the patent curiousity and "forever sharing" and the usandthem that we perpetrated and upheld. anyone who'll have a clue what the fuck im talking about if i just let loose. i feel at times like a deep sea driver. my lungs are bursting and i need to come up for a breath. desperately seeking i grope out in the dark. if i dont find one of my own, perhaps ill die then. spoke to chatts this weekend. im good for a while again.there are four people in this world - chatts, sauce, buro, ad. its not that i love them - its not that im close to them - we barely keep in touch - but if i dont get one of them to touch across the miles once in a while, ill die - like a fish out of water. u need to let the mask down every once in a while.
the lunatic is in my head
ummagamma and dark side. barrett, waters
And a river of green is sliding unseen beneath the trees
Laughing as it passes through the endless summer
Making for the sea.
how long has it been since I saw the kingfishers
leaning out of the open train door
faces smudged with excitement
feel the wind shout "hey! welcome back again"
on the way to home again, no more being 'good' no more
late nights, love affairs, food boose and rock and roll
In the lazy water meadow I lay me down.
All around me golden sun flakes settle on the ground.
Basking in the sunshine of a bygone afternoon
Bringing sounds of yesterday into this city room.
lazy summer afternoons
after school at the alipore house
chilled sweets and reading in the sun in the tennis court
tolly afternoons, smell of horses & chlorine
the known unscary world where all the parents r a little wild and bad
Following the path as it leads toward
The darkness in the north
Weary stranger's faces show their sympathy
They've seen that hope before
thought there was so much ahead
thought there was so much to win
thought there was so much i was destined for
all alone, by myself, jealous, possesive, as always
of every thought, every shade, every nuance of the ego
every book i loved, every song and cried with, every lofty dream lusted after
And if you want to stay for a little bit
Rest your aching limbs for a little bit
For you the night is beckoning
And now you can't delay
You hear the night birds calling you
But you can't catch the words they say
And you must you realize be on your way
do u ever feel tired? do u ever feel like the road is too long
do u ever feel like a beginning swimmer
splashing splashing and thrashing in the water
when u open ur eyes ur an inch away, and everyones dissapeared into the distance
Throw your thoughts back many years
To the time when love was life with every morning
Perhaps a day will come when the match for me the curlers past warning
i like it here. but it gets lonely at times. after all i dont know a soul here with whom I dont have to pretend with whom u dont have to be careful not to shock. the patent curiousity and "forever sharing" and the usandthem that we perpetrated and upheld. anyone who'll have a clue what the fuck im talking about if i just let loose. i feel at times like a deep sea driver. my lungs are bursting and i need to come up for a breath. desperately seeking i grope out in the dark. if i dont find one of my own, perhaps ill die then. spoke to chatts this weekend. im good for a while again.there are four people in this world - chatts, sauce, buro, ad. its not that i love them - its not that im close to them - we barely keep in touch - but if i dont get one of them to touch across the miles once in a while, ill die - like a fish out of water. u need to let the mask down every once in a while.
the lunatic is in my head
ummagamma and dark side. barrett, waters
been a long time
We wanderers, ever seeking the lonelier way, begin no day where we have ended another day; and no sunrise finds us where sunset left us. We are the seeds of the tenacious plant, and it is in our ripeness and our fullness of heart that we are given to the wind and are scattered.
You have been told that, even like a chain, you are as weak as your weakest link. This is but half the truth. You are also as strong as your strongest link.
To measure you by your smallest deed is to reckon the power of ocean by the frailty of its foam. And like the seasons you are also, And though in your winter you deny your spring, Yet spring, reposing within you, smiles in her drowsiness and is not offended. Think not I say these things in order that you may say the one to the other, "He praised us well. He saw but the good in us." I only speak to you in words of that which you yourselves know in thought. And what is word knowledge but a shadow of wordless knowledge? Your thoughts and my words are waves from a sealed memory that keeps records of our yesterdays, And of the ancient days when the earth knew not us nor herself, You have given me deeper thirsting after life. Surely there is no greater gift to a man than that which turns all his aims into parching lips and all life into a fountain. And in this lies my honour and my reward,
That whenever I come to the fountain to drink I find the living water itself thirsty; And it drinks me while I drink it. And some of you have called me aloof, and drunk with my own aloneness, And you have said, "He holds council with the trees of the forest, but not with men. He sits alone on hill-tops and looks down upon our city." True it is that I have climbed the hills and walked in remote places. How could I have seen you save from a great height or a great distance? How can one be indeed near unless he be far? Stranger, stranger, lover of unreachable heights, why dwell you among the summits where eagles build their nests? Why seek you the unattainable? What storms would you trap in your net, And what vaporous birds do you hunt in the sky? Come and be one of us. Descend and appease your hunger with our bread and quench your thirst with our wine." In the solitude of their souls they said these things; But were their solitude deeper they would have known that I sought but the secret of your joy and your pain, And I hunted only your larger selves that walk the sky. For often have I put my finger in my own wound that I might have the greater belief in you and the greater knowledge of you.
A little while, and my longing shall gather dust and foam for another body. A little while, a moment of rest upon the wind, and another woman shall bear me. Farewell to you and the youth I have spent with you. It was but yesterday we met in a dream. You have sung to me in my aloneness, and I of your longings have built a tower in the sky. But now our sleep has fled and our dream is over, and it is no longer dawn. The noontide is upon us and our half waking has turned to fuller day, and we must part. If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song. And if our hands should meet in another dream, we shall build another tower in the sky. So saying he made a signal to the seamen, and straightaway they weighed anchor and cast the ship loose from its moorings, and they moved eastward. And a cry came from the people as from a single heart, and it rose the dusk and was carried out over the sea like a great trumpeting.
Only Almitra was silent, gazing after the ship until it had vanished into the mist. And when all the people were dispersed she still stood alone upon the sea-wall, remembering in her heart his saying, A little while, a moment of rest upon the wind, and another woman shall bear me."
gibran
We wanderers, ever seeking the lonelier way, begin no day where we have ended another day; and no sunrise finds us where sunset left us. We are the seeds of the tenacious plant, and it is in our ripeness and our fullness of heart that we are given to the wind and are scattered.
You have been told that, even like a chain, you are as weak as your weakest link. This is but half the truth. You are also as strong as your strongest link.
To measure you by your smallest deed is to reckon the power of ocean by the frailty of its foam. And like the seasons you are also, And though in your winter you deny your spring, Yet spring, reposing within you, smiles in her drowsiness and is not offended. Think not I say these things in order that you may say the one to the other, "He praised us well. He saw but the good in us." I only speak to you in words of that which you yourselves know in thought. And what is word knowledge but a shadow of wordless knowledge? Your thoughts and my words are waves from a sealed memory that keeps records of our yesterdays, And of the ancient days when the earth knew not us nor herself, You have given me deeper thirsting after life. Surely there is no greater gift to a man than that which turns all his aims into parching lips and all life into a fountain. And in this lies my honour and my reward,
That whenever I come to the fountain to drink I find the living water itself thirsty; And it drinks me while I drink it. And some of you have called me aloof, and drunk with my own aloneness, And you have said, "He holds council with the trees of the forest, but not with men. He sits alone on hill-tops and looks down upon our city." True it is that I have climbed the hills and walked in remote places. How could I have seen you save from a great height or a great distance? How can one be indeed near unless he be far? Stranger, stranger, lover of unreachable heights, why dwell you among the summits where eagles build their nests? Why seek you the unattainable? What storms would you trap in your net, And what vaporous birds do you hunt in the sky? Come and be one of us. Descend and appease your hunger with our bread and quench your thirst with our wine." In the solitude of their souls they said these things; But were their solitude deeper they would have known that I sought but the secret of your joy and your pain, And I hunted only your larger selves that walk the sky. For often have I put my finger in my own wound that I might have the greater belief in you and the greater knowledge of you.
A little while, and my longing shall gather dust and foam for another body. A little while, a moment of rest upon the wind, and another woman shall bear me. Farewell to you and the youth I have spent with you. It was but yesterday we met in a dream. You have sung to me in my aloneness, and I of your longings have built a tower in the sky. But now our sleep has fled and our dream is over, and it is no longer dawn. The noontide is upon us and our half waking has turned to fuller day, and we must part. If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song. And if our hands should meet in another dream, we shall build another tower in the sky. So saying he made a signal to the seamen, and straightaway they weighed anchor and cast the ship loose from its moorings, and they moved eastward. And a cry came from the people as from a single heart, and it rose the dusk and was carried out over the sea like a great trumpeting.
Only Almitra was silent, gazing after the ship until it had vanished into the mist. And when all the people were dispersed she still stood alone upon the sea-wall, remembering in her heart his saying, A little while, a moment of rest upon the wind, and another woman shall bear me."
gibran
THE WINDS
Have you ever built a house of cards? Its a strange excerise. Meant to teach patience. All it ever taught me was frustration. And an intense, boiling, deep down inside rage, that bubbles and froths and threatens to scald my insides! You'd sooner cool fire than teach me patience!
Anyway, ad requiem. the reason I brought up the house of cards was to point out its funny juxtaposition of firmness and instability. Till a sec before the One wrong card ... its a most logical, stable, if useless, structure. One wrong card and not only the errent new addition, but every member of the structure comes tumbling down ...
One harsh word, one small failure and the "i really loved u" flies. Talism lost, the devil rushes in on the hapless heart. The prayer beads fallen, the incessent chanting stops. In the jarring silence of the hollow dry well of my heart, the snide voice threatens to shout. Loud enough that I will hear. Loud enough that I cant shut it out. NO!!! I cover my ears and run. "promise u wont cry" ...
Why does emotions not answer and follow where the voice of reason commands? Why run helter skelter like windswept sand in my native land. Why life so hard. So sweet but yet so hard. And I, I cannot even show them. The phantoms are still bound to the skeletons, hidden in deep dungeons. Of my cold stone heart. I lean ... my back against the door. I hide. I feint. I parry queries with wit or deceit. And and make thrust to distract the enemy-friend.
From the dawn of my days, You, all of you, have been my winds ...
The winds that dry and torment, whip and mock & howl and throw u crying on the sand
The winds that drive you and make you fly, that fill your sail and push you on
The winds that bring rain, that you grow and green, bear fruit
The winds that take the seeds away when you have borne your fruit
The winds that sing lullabies on lone desert nights, cart drunken sweet visions and smells
from faraway, unknown, unheard of oasis caravans
The winds that churn you up, howling screeching, tormenting you with their pagan, filthy manic dance
From the dawn of my days, You, all of you, have been my winds,
I, the gypsy after your hawk trend ...
Now, how can I be calm land again, at your new command?
There was just him and then, later his echo to save me
To hold me back from heights so glorious
And pull me back from plunging gorges
To try to keep me on the human plane
The sparrow-ling held back from hypnotic flight of Eagles
But the were swept away with the Winds ...
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
-- W.H. Auden
Anyway, ad requiem. the reason I brought up the house of cards was to point out its funny juxtaposition of firmness and instability. Till a sec before the One wrong card ... its a most logical, stable, if useless, structure. One wrong card and not only the errent new addition, but every member of the structure comes tumbling down ...
One harsh word, one small failure and the "i really loved u" flies. Talism lost, the devil rushes in on the hapless heart. The prayer beads fallen, the incessent chanting stops. In the jarring silence of the hollow dry well of my heart, the snide voice threatens to shout. Loud enough that I will hear. Loud enough that I cant shut it out. NO!!! I cover my ears and run. "promise u wont cry" ...
Why does emotions not answer and follow where the voice of reason commands? Why run helter skelter like windswept sand in my native land. Why life so hard. So sweet but yet so hard. And I, I cannot even show them. The phantoms are still bound to the skeletons, hidden in deep dungeons. Of my cold stone heart. I lean ... my back against the door. I hide. I feint. I parry queries with wit or deceit. And and make thrust to distract the enemy-friend.
From the dawn of my days, You, all of you, have been my winds ...
The winds that dry and torment, whip and mock & howl and throw u crying on the sand
The winds that drive you and make you fly, that fill your sail and push you on
The winds that bring rain, that you grow and green, bear fruit
The winds that take the seeds away when you have borne your fruit
The winds that sing lullabies on lone desert nights, cart drunken sweet visions and smells
from faraway, unknown, unheard of oasis caravans
The winds that churn you up, howling screeching, tormenting you with their pagan, filthy manic dance
From the dawn of my days, You, all of you, have been my winds,
I, the gypsy after your hawk trend ...
Now, how can I be calm land again, at your new command?
There was just him and then, later his echo to save me
To hold me back from heights so glorious
And pull me back from plunging gorges
To try to keep me on the human plane
The sparrow-ling held back from hypnotic flight of Eagles
But the were swept away with the Winds ...
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
-- W.H. Auden
The Passion Of The Christ
I just saw the The Passion Of The Christ
As a picture, I loved it. The photography is brilliant, the costumes, the screenplay, the framing of the whole story ...
But something else. I dont know if the narration was so evocative, the setting out of the play so effective
or the subject so well known and loved ... but it just seemed so real
I cry at every movie, and sob at a lot of movies.
But I looked around in the semi dark hall and saw many other people, men & woman,
sobbing, crying like something dreadful was happening in front of them, to them
I had heard that the violence was bloody and vivid ... but i didnt anticipate how much
I saw his interview in the morning. They were talking about how the movie seemed to be moving people
and asked him to comment on what kind of effect did he hope the movie would have
He said he hopes it will forment a feeling of love between fellow men. will it? i hope so too. inshallah.
Somehow historic stories of this time make me feel that these are all linked in some way. the jews, the arabs, the aryans. but how? and if so why is it like this?
As a picture, I loved it. The photography is brilliant, the costumes, the screenplay, the framing of the whole story ...
But something else. I dont know if the narration was so evocative, the setting out of the play so effective
or the subject so well known and loved ... but it just seemed so real
I cry at every movie, and sob at a lot of movies.
But I looked around in the semi dark hall and saw many other people, men & woman,
sobbing, crying like something dreadful was happening in front of them, to them
I had heard that the violence was bloody and vivid ... but i didnt anticipate how much
I saw his interview in the morning. They were talking about how the movie seemed to be moving people
and asked him to comment on what kind of effect did he hope the movie would have
He said he hopes it will forment a feeling of love between fellow men. will it? i hope so too. inshallah.
Somehow historic stories of this time make me feel that these are all linked in some way. the jews, the arabs, the aryans. but how? and if so why is it like this?
"Abre Los Ojos"
another week has gone by. another rest rolled in. why does this one feel more earned? or am I premature as usual.
why does it feel like im alive? i know - 3 reasons - its a secret!
a remembered taste rumbles in my stomach - and knocks me off my feet with its intensity ... rumballs from flury's park!!! street! Aaaah ... Calcutta! to miss you again ...
I saw Abre Los Ojos. liked it. its different from vanilla sky. yet interesting. different in treatment. in feeling.
what if life were like that - tech support ... there are moments I have a strong feeling like that
a short ephemereal surreal stab of a feeling ... the latest was this morning in the parking lot - it was dark - early yet - I was walking very fast - no one was around - suddenly a man popped out like from no where - and he smiled in passing - there was a certain undefinable quality in his smile - he smiled the way you would smile at someone you know very well ... there was a certain undefinable quality in the moment - like the moment when she said "we never had to take any of this seriously, did we" and he smiled. It happened to me once before on a bus in bristol. a little girl. she was sitting opposite the door - as I climbed on she smiled - there was a certain undefinable quality in the smile - like how u smile at someone in a brief pause of make belive in the school play while hurrying between scene changes
"Abre Los Ojos" "Not yet hombre - I still enjoy this ride"
why does it feel like im alive? i know - 3 reasons - its a secret!
a remembered taste rumbles in my stomach - and knocks me off my feet with its intensity ... rumballs from flury's park!!! street! Aaaah ... Calcutta! to miss you again ...
I saw Abre Los Ojos. liked it. its different from vanilla sky. yet interesting. different in treatment. in feeling.
what if life were like that - tech support ... there are moments I have a strong feeling like that
a short ephemereal surreal stab of a feeling ... the latest was this morning in the parking lot - it was dark - early yet - I was walking very fast - no one was around - suddenly a man popped out like from no where - and he smiled in passing - there was a certain undefinable quality in his smile - he smiled the way you would smile at someone you know very well ... there was a certain undefinable quality in the moment - like the moment when she said "we never had to take any of this seriously, did we" and he smiled. It happened to me once before on a bus in bristol. a little girl. she was sitting opposite the door - as I climbed on she smiled - there was a certain undefinable quality in the smile - like how u smile at someone in a brief pause of make belive in the school play while hurrying between scene changes
"Abre Los Ojos" "Not yet hombre - I still enjoy this ride"
160 - 160 - 20
Im getting there
I woke up at 4:45
was in the gym by 5:30
had my session with the lady till 6:40
then I did my workout till 7:10
Got ready in 30 mins - no dreaming in the sauna
Got home by 7:50 ... but STILL reached work late
God - I need to stop - I came home just bcz of that
what weakness. what addiction. what madness
i can feel my insides tearing. ive been on it for 15 years now
ive run away from everyone who tried to help me stop
making them enemies
its like another person in me - a devil - a spirit
Im as bad as baba almost now
i need to stop. i HAVE to stop
sex, love, rock & roll,idling, dreaming, flirting,
eating, drinking, drugs & smoking
everything that feels good & everything thats banned
By the cold and religious we were taken in hand
Shown how to feel good and told to feel bad
I got a mail from him early this morning
Do you remember me, how we used to be
Now he is so far away
In every possible way
Now theres no reaching him inside him anymore
Now we mail and smile and chat and laugh
like strangers in two seperate worlds
Live our seperate lives, And we go our seperate ways
Cause we dont see eye to eye
And we cant stand face to face
Pom - I tried to warn you. I hope I was wrong
That it wont feel the same for you
I got a missed call from my dad
I called back and he said he just called
He made me call back cz he was short :)
Hah - what a joke
my one year is way less than his one month
Poor me. Poor Poor me. Poor indigent, in capable, poverty struck, worthless, failing, struggling, gasping to keep up with them, choking, falling back behingd even the stragglers me.poor also ran me
8:52 in the morninga cup of black hot strong and self pity
wow! thats not the way to do it babe
Im cool. Im awesome. Im one of the nicest people I know
Im fun. Ive areally cool sense of humour
If I was someone else - Id be crazy about me
And Im moving everyday
Im getting there. Late starters dont have to lose
Life is a long distance race - he who lasts win.
And Ill last.
Ive survived things that would make ur hair curl if you knew. All my life as long as Ive lived.
Ive sinned, Ive done bad, that would make ur hair curl if you knew.
Things u cant imagine, things you have never dreamed - aisa bhi hota hai - issi duniya mein
And Ive had good like that too. Amazing goodness, Amazing prizes, Amazing Prices :)And then Ive looked back and laughed ... I love you baby.
You're the man.
I woke up at 4:45
was in the gym by 5:30
had my session with the lady till 6:40
then I did my workout till 7:10
Got ready in 30 mins - no dreaming in the sauna
Got home by 7:50 ... but STILL reached work late
God - I need to stop - I came home just bcz of that
what weakness. what addiction. what madness
i can feel my insides tearing. ive been on it for 15 years now
ive run away from everyone who tried to help me stop
making them enemies
its like another person in me - a devil - a spirit
Im as bad as baba almost now
i need to stop. i HAVE to stop
sex, love, rock & roll,idling, dreaming, flirting,
eating, drinking, drugs & smoking
everything that feels good & everything thats banned
By the cold and religious we were taken in hand
Shown how to feel good and told to feel bad
I got a mail from him early this morning
Do you remember me, how we used to be
Now he is so far away
In every possible way
Now theres no reaching him inside him anymore
Now we mail and smile and chat and laugh
like strangers in two seperate worlds
Live our seperate lives, And we go our seperate ways
Cause we dont see eye to eye
And we cant stand face to face
Pom - I tried to warn you. I hope I was wrong
That it wont feel the same for you
I got a missed call from my dad
I called back and he said he just called
He made me call back cz he was short :)
Hah - what a joke
my one year is way less than his one month
Poor me. Poor Poor me. Poor indigent, in capable, poverty struck, worthless, failing, struggling, gasping to keep up with them, choking, falling back behingd even the stragglers me.poor also ran me
8:52 in the morninga cup of black hot strong and self pity
wow! thats not the way to do it babe
Im cool. Im awesome. Im one of the nicest people I know
Im fun. Ive areally cool sense of humour
If I was someone else - Id be crazy about me
And Im moving everyday
Im getting there. Late starters dont have to lose
Life is a long distance race - he who lasts win.
And Ill last.
Ive survived things that would make ur hair curl if you knew. All my life as long as Ive lived.
Ive sinned, Ive done bad, that would make ur hair curl if you knew.
Things u cant imagine, things you have never dreamed - aisa bhi hota hai - issi duniya mein
And Ive had good like that too. Amazing goodness, Amazing prizes, Amazing Prices :)And then Ive looked back and laughed ... I love you baby.
You're the man.
a day in the life of ...
dear blog,
i woke up at 5 am today (actually 5:07) to beethoven on the radio
sat at the comp with my coffee and my sustainence - in full zombie mode
Then I looked at the clock - I was late - had wanted to reach by 5:30 today
Still time - I got out by 5:35 ... But every piece of glass in the car was covered with a thick layer if ice like a teenager with a face mask on. I sat inside and put the defrost thing on. waited. then I got out. fetched a cloth ... no good. got out. fetched some water - worked - but misted over again before I knew it. All this in the pitch dark ... with queen singing - appropriately - melancholy blues - from inside the car
anyway - I got to the gym at 5:50. Hunted out the card thing she asked me to right stuff on. huffed through the workout. got to the weights ... all excited ... but it was no fun. she thinks Im a pansy. I could do this much in my sleep!!! Oh Yeah ... !
7:10 climb up to the locker. Tell myself to run-prero-run, but get "caught up" in the sauna. Im addicted to the sauna atmosphere. Just the fact that no one comes there and it feels like a little log cabin in the end of nowhere. I just love to lie down there and dream. only trouble with, dream is, Im dreaming my life away. Okay then I get out get dressed and painted and get into the car. Its 7:40 - I need to be at work at 8. There still some time to get home for some sustainence if I RUNNNNNNNNNNNN
Big chance. Getting out (btw the gym is bang opp a police something) I cant figure out how to cross the road and go to the extreme left - with cars swishing fast from every which way ... takes me about 7 mins.
By the time Im home after a mini scrap with a co worker about if I could get a lift (i HAT driving sometimes) - I got to work at 8:20 - 20 mins late
tokhun theke laat khachhi. kaaj to kichhui nei.
yesterday I finished the last of my cooked food. I dont have the enthu to cook again. I came back from work at 6PM. Had a soak with a nice glass of wine for an hour. dreaming :). Then heated up dinner and ate. Talked to Teddy. and settled down in bed for the night with Mary (Queen of Scotts) and my new jasmine yling ylang pillow perfume. Woke up at 12 - sleep walked to the kitchen and stole some bitter chocolate and then lay in the dark and slipped and tumbled back and forth between dreams and sleep ... till the beethoven rang out at 5
i woke up at 5 am today (actually 5:07) to beethoven on the radio
sat at the comp with my coffee and my sustainence - in full zombie mode
Then I looked at the clock - I was late - had wanted to reach by 5:30 today
Still time - I got out by 5:35 ... But every piece of glass in the car was covered with a thick layer if ice like a teenager with a face mask on. I sat inside and put the defrost thing on. waited. then I got out. fetched a cloth ... no good. got out. fetched some water - worked - but misted over again before I knew it. All this in the pitch dark ... with queen singing - appropriately - melancholy blues - from inside the car
anyway - I got to the gym at 5:50. Hunted out the card thing she asked me to right stuff on. huffed through the workout. got to the weights ... all excited ... but it was no fun. she thinks Im a pansy. I could do this much in my sleep!!! Oh Yeah ... !
7:10 climb up to the locker. Tell myself to run-prero-run, but get "caught up" in the sauna. Im addicted to the sauna atmosphere. Just the fact that no one comes there and it feels like a little log cabin in the end of nowhere. I just love to lie down there and dream. only trouble with, dream is, Im dreaming my life away. Okay then I get out get dressed and painted and get into the car. Its 7:40 - I need to be at work at 8. There still some time to get home for some sustainence if I RUNNNNNNNNNNNN
Big chance. Getting out (btw the gym is bang opp a police something) I cant figure out how to cross the road and go to the extreme left - with cars swishing fast from every which way ... takes me about 7 mins.
By the time Im home after a mini scrap with a co worker about if I could get a lift (i HAT driving sometimes) - I got to work at 8:20 - 20 mins late
tokhun theke laat khachhi. kaaj to kichhui nei.
yesterday I finished the last of my cooked food. I dont have the enthu to cook again. I came back from work at 6PM. Had a soak with a nice glass of wine for an hour. dreaming :). Then heated up dinner and ate. Talked to Teddy. and settled down in bed for the night with Mary (Queen of Scotts) and my new jasmine yling ylang pillow perfume. Woke up at 12 - sleep walked to the kitchen and stole some bitter chocolate and then lay in the dark and slipped and tumbled back and forth between dreams and sleep ... till the beethoven rang out at 5