so this it! sdont know what will happen now. back in the bog. and so soon. i was hopeful till the end. i thought it would be okay. but nothing is ever okay for me - is it. back to the fucking bench - for atleast two months! at work and in life. everytime things get a little better - it blows up in my face. at the beginning of this blog - I wrote - I have a friend who is leaving me and it feels like a body is leaving a shadow and the sun is sinking
im a coward ... i feel sorry for creeps and cant tell them how much i hate them
i smile and "stay chill" and wear masks ... and avoid them as much as possible
but sometimes it hurts
sometimes i wonder
how can people be like this ...
how can someone betray you in everyway - how can someone bitch about you, betray your confidences
and spend their lives whining and crying and gathering sympathy
how can you be prostrate with grief bcz
you think ur in love with someone who you barely know
yet you do things like this to them ...
how can you make a fuss over every slight slight you think has been given to you
and be totally impervious to all the dirt you dish out
how can you be so wallowing in self pity and so magnify things that happen to you
what would you do if you were faced with real pain ...
what would you do if ur father raped you
what would you do if you lost your parents
what would you do if you were starving, jobless, and hopeless
what would you do if you had aids and you were dying
oh! what rubbish I dish out early in the morning
im the worst of all i know ... this is what i dislike most in me ... why am I so bloody judgemental all the time ...
sanctimonious ;) yeah!
anyway ... who gives a shit anyway ... lifes like that. shit happens. u gotto keep moving on. thats all.
and you gotto try to be brave. i can handle it - whatever it is.
i smile and "stay chill" and wear masks ... and avoid them as much as possible
but sometimes it hurts
sometimes i wonder
how can people be like this ...
how can someone betray you in everyway - how can someone bitch about you, betray your confidences
and spend their lives whining and crying and gathering sympathy
how can you be prostrate with grief bcz
you think ur in love with someone who you barely know
yet you do things like this to them ...
how can you make a fuss over every slight slight you think has been given to you
and be totally impervious to all the dirt you dish out
how can you be so wallowing in self pity and so magnify things that happen to you
what would you do if you were faced with real pain ...
what would you do if ur father raped you
what would you do if you lost your parents
what would you do if you were starving, jobless, and hopeless
what would you do if you had aids and you were dying
oh! what rubbish I dish out early in the morning
im the worst of all i know ... this is what i dislike most in me ... why am I so bloody judgemental all the time ...
sanctimonious ;) yeah!
anyway ... who gives a shit anyway ... lifes like that. shit happens. u gotto keep moving on. thats all.
and you gotto try to be brave. i can handle it - whatever it is.
its a new day today
what is it about a new day / new week / new year that inspires this tra-la-la Im so kicked mood ...
anyway ... my instructor got mad at me as soon as I walked into the gym (almost) so I got blasted at 5 am for running when Im not supposed to - my knee ... o my knee ... o my poor knee ... when will it stop haunting me ... I shouldve never told her about the accident! ;0)
brilliant weekend! friday saw chupke-chupke again - never fail to get happy over the smooth sweet of HM or the pathetic diction of JB or the brilliance of AB or the splendour of ST ... there are these few heroines I like ... they pull off the oomph-style with dragging down to cheap - in my book - first and foremost zeenat aman! i adore her - #2 manisha ... others ... sharmila / tanuja / waheeda rahman / rani mukherjee / tabu!
went to houston on saturday - long drive - which I wasnt allowed to help out with - poor bugger thought Id bash his car up ... but he kept falling asleep and and we almost got bashed up ... anyway - the highlights of houston ... I got all the goodies ma sent me, met this cool family, got within stroking distance of dogs (3) after a year and some ... and I saw the MOST amazing house! the house itself was paati - no big deal - but the setting was MIND BLOWING - I fell in love with it! imagine sitting on a plush leather couch drinking tree and suddenly looking up to notice a wall of glass and a jungle outside ... well thats what it looked like at first. it was orgasmic ;0) yeah thats an adjective I havent used since my teens!
but the best part was meeting some people who werent the 'paati' crowd I have to take everyday! some decent normal civilised people! i must admit Im a closet snob. i dont check out people based on their family trees like ma ;) and I dont look down on people because they are paati - in fact i hang out with them and like them and try to filter out what I dont like about them ... but still maybe its forced to a extent so it feels really relaxing to meet people like this after a while ... theres only so much chalu hindi music, bad grammer, inexposed crap I can take - after a bit I need a break. GREAT! now I feel likea total bitch for having said this! all people are wonderful - no matter what their externals - but u get used to people of a certain kind - and when ur suddenly thrown into a very "different" crowd ... one ... against many ... u do think about these things once in a while ...
I went to nasa to - but that was a bummer! saw "2 suns in the sunset" - but I didnt have my camera with me so I couldnt click it! on the way back we stopped at this charming little picnic area ... it was dark. the engine was off and my seat inclined all the way and looking up at a brilliant sky lit up with stars. but
saw movies all day sunday - wall / breathless / sophies choice - till 1 am - then up again at 4 for the gym ...ouch!!!
<2b continued>
anyway ... my instructor got mad at me as soon as I walked into the gym (almost) so I got blasted at 5 am for running when Im not supposed to - my knee ... o my knee ... o my poor knee ... when will it stop haunting me ... I shouldve never told her about the accident! ;0)
brilliant weekend! friday saw chupke-chupke again - never fail to get happy over the smooth sweet of HM or the pathetic diction of JB or the brilliance of AB or the splendour of ST ... there are these few heroines I like ... they pull off the oomph-style with dragging down to cheap - in my book - first and foremost zeenat aman! i adore her - #2 manisha ... others ... sharmila / tanuja / waheeda rahman / rani mukherjee / tabu!
went to houston on saturday - long drive - which I wasnt allowed to help out with - poor bugger thought Id bash his car up ... but he kept falling asleep and and we almost got bashed up ... anyway - the highlights of houston ... I got all the goodies ma sent me, met this cool family, got within stroking distance of dogs (3) after a year and some ... and I saw the MOST amazing house! the house itself was paati - no big deal - but the setting was MIND BLOWING - I fell in love with it! imagine sitting on a plush leather couch drinking tree and suddenly looking up to notice a wall of glass and a jungle outside ... well thats what it looked like at first. it was orgasmic ;0) yeah thats an adjective I havent used since my teens!
but the best part was meeting some people who werent the 'paati' crowd I have to take everyday! some decent normal civilised people! i must admit Im a closet snob. i dont check out people based on their family trees like ma ;) and I dont look down on people because they are paati - in fact i hang out with them and like them and try to filter out what I dont like about them ... but still maybe its forced to a extent so it feels really relaxing to meet people like this after a while ... theres only so much chalu hindi music, bad grammer, inexposed crap I can take - after a bit I need a break. GREAT! now I feel likea total bitch for having said this! all people are wonderful - no matter what their externals - but u get used to people of a certain kind - and when ur suddenly thrown into a very "different" crowd ... one ... against many ... u do think about these things once in a while ...
I went to nasa to - but that was a bummer! saw "2 suns in the sunset" - but I didnt have my camera with me so I couldnt click it! on the way back we stopped at this charming little picnic area ... it was dark. the engine was off and my seat inclined all the way and looking up at a brilliant sky lit up with stars. but
saw movies all day sunday - wall / breathless / sophies choice - till 1 am - then up again at 4 for the gym ...ouch!!!
<2b continued>
from Childe Harold, Canto iii, Verse 45, By Lord Byron
he who ascends to mountain-tops shall find
The loftiest peaks most wrapt in clouds and snow;
He who surpasses or subdues mankind,
Must look down on the hate of those below.
Though high above the sun of glory glow,
And far beneath the earth and ocean spread,
Round him are icy rocks, and loudly blow
Contending tempests on his naked head.
And thus rewards the toils which to those summits led.
last night ... i received a sms from baba that gave me some hope again. fuel again. peace from fear again ... i love you 'sonababa'
i saw "somethings gotta give" last night. and i fell in love with it. some of my fav lines from the movie ...
am i (going) mad or does this happen to everyone? they say before you die - or when u know u might ... the scenes from your past life flash by you. like that when i know im moving camp - or may be - the scenes from life there flash past in my mind. and when there is no other process going on i get random flashes of anywhere anytime. like one of those screensavers which pick random snaps from "my pictures". flashes of the past float past my brain. im scared. i dont wanna go. not yet. pls pls pls god not yet.
green pleated skirts (6 inches above the knee) and dark blue blazers in the nursery park
begging the ice cream man for a "orange-stick" ... just in case ... u never know ... just bcz he refused to give " one free" for 6 years doesnt mean he has to say no again ... ("johhny pls - give no - 1 please - free - please no!" "johhny pls - give no - 1 please - free - please no!" "johhny pls - give no - 1 please - free - please no!" in an endless litany) till the bell rings for class again
zeecones on those funny stairs near tuck-shop
mint fudge. chatts acting pricey on squad duty
sauce waltzing off for piano class and the rest of us trailing in her path with wistful eyes as we are stuck in SUPW class ...
first day of socials (was it prize day ... ?) in lawrence hall ... the boyz school band - and twisting by the pool ... (u'll always be my hero)
"footpaths" like heat radiators ... sqatting at the edge ... watching the "grown ups" of ten and above play in their groups
aimlessly loitering the roads of the "para" ... trying to find how my paths there could be between southern avenue and kabir rd and the lakes. walking past the begging of the "lake" ... a pool of mud and the mudmen playing mudball ... football practise in the rain
the smell of kaali bari near chona's house. the flashy here now gone now smile of the basti kid i was so pally with in my old age. the smell of LSP. the khatiya outside sharma's ... the smell of the paneer tikka ... sitting there sloshed at 3am ... watching the string of roadside fires ... this queen wears rubies
the sea tartouse ... where you would have to periodically remind urself that other people exist in the world. dragging my "stick" in the sand ... the sunflowers "jungles" and the olive groves ... the total deep stillness and isolation. the beauty the bliss the addiction to isolation and quiet ... then? at 5?
my rowing club in bristolat dawn. foaming waves of mist above it. the pain in the small of the back. the sound of the woods around when u got back ... the bus station in bristol. the train in damascus. the sun in thailand. the smell of "chingri maachher mailai kaari" the feel of the "rupor thaala" used for birthdays. the sudden cool-th of ma's house, her hand, her cheeks.the feel of having less between ur arms every year when i go back to hug her ... my ma, my anchor, my axis and the fresh sponge feel of when I kiss munu. and the inbetween feel of mummy and the rough spike poky dunhillblacklabel flavoured feel of baba.and the first time i walk in and see papa's snap ...
Im scared of the decision Im weighing ... it would change Everything ... do i want to do it ... more importantly ... can I? is it too late? do I still have the strength in my knuckles to rap on this door? Am I not too old to scrap Everything and start again from fresh. Yes I suppose I am ... Ki re anirban?
on a different note ... how many times a day do u feel like saying "its none of ur f business" or "why dont u just leave me f alone" :) on a differenter note ... why do i still write in this stupid blog? im just "throwing questions into the big black void out there"
bad time strikes
What of it, if only you alone
can understand your own poetry?
The relish is when one person says it,
and. another understands it!
Ghalib would rise against the insults with typical verses like this one;
0 God, they never have, and never will
understand what I have to say
Give them a different heart
if you can't give me a different tongue.
Ghalib, translated.
revisted Ghalib after ages. Im so dying for the weekend. got four dvds Im dying to see ... pride & prejudice (again) and isle of wight (the concert) and breathless.
im really pissed off about stuff ... dunno ... i know i shouldnt be superstitious - but why do i get fucked everytime i get a little happy. anyway - screw it - Im reminded of a IIT line my dad used to say a lot about "when rape is inevitable ..."
can understand your own poetry?
The relish is when one person says it,
and. another understands it!
Ghalib would rise against the insults with typical verses like this one;
0 God, they never have, and never will
understand what I have to say
Give them a different heart
if you can't give me a different tongue.
Ghalib, translated.
revisted Ghalib after ages. Im so dying for the weekend. got four dvds Im dying to see ... pride & prejudice (again) and isle of wight (the concert) and breathless.
im really pissed off about stuff ... dunno ... i know i shouldnt be superstitious - but why do i get fucked everytime i get a little happy. anyway - screw it - Im reminded of a IIT line my dad used to say a lot about "when rape is inevitable ..."
just then the phone rang ....
See the splashing of the kingfisher flashing to the water.
And a river of green is sliding unseen beneath the trees
Laughing as it passes through the endless summer
Making for the sea.
how long has it been since I saw the kingfishers
leaning out of the open train door
faces smudged with excitement
feel the wind shout "hey! welcome back again"
on the way to home again, no more being 'good' no more
late nights, love affairs, food boose and rock and roll
In the lazy water meadow I lay me down.
All around me golden sun flakes settle on the ground.
Basking in the sunshine of a bygone afternoon
Bringing sounds of yesterday into this city room.
lazy summer afternoons
after school at the alipore house
chilled sweets and reading in the sun in the tennis court
tolly afternoons, smell of horses & chlorine
the known unscary world where all the parents r a little wild and bad
Following the path as it leads toward
The darkness in the north
Weary stranger's faces show their sympathy
They've seen that hope before
thought there was so much ahead
thought there was so much to win
thought there was so much i was destined for
all alone, by myself, jealous, possesive, as always
of every thought, every shade, every nuance of the ego
every book i loved, every song and cried with, every lofty dream lusted after
And if you want to stay for a little bit
Rest your aching limbs for a little bit
For you the night is beckoning
And now you can't delay
You hear the night birds calling you
But you can't catch the words they say
And you must you realize be on your way
do u ever feel tired? do u ever feel like the road is too long
do u ever feel like a beginning swimmer
splashing splashing and thrashing in the water
when u open ur eyes ur an inch away, and everyones dissapeared into the distance
Throw your thoughts back many years
To the time when love was life with every morning
Perhaps a day will come when the match for me the curlers past warning
i like it here. but it gets lonely at times. after all i dont know a soul here with whom I dont have to pretend with whom u dont have to be careful not to shock. the patent curiousity and "forever sharing" and the usandthem that we perpetrated and upheld. anyone who'll have a clue what the fuck im talking about if i just let loose. i feel at times like a deep sea driver. my lungs are bursting and i need to come up for a breath. desperately seeking i grope out in the dark. if i dont find one of my own, perhaps ill die then. spoke to chatts this weekend. im good for a while again.there are four people in this world - chatts, sauce, buro, ad. its not that i love them - its not that im close to them - we barely keep in touch - but if i dont get one of them to touch across the miles once in a while, ill die - like a fish out of water. u need to let the mask down every once in a while.
the lunatic is in my head
ummagamma and dark side. barrett, waters
And a river of green is sliding unseen beneath the trees
Laughing as it passes through the endless summer
Making for the sea.
how long has it been since I saw the kingfishers
leaning out of the open train door
faces smudged with excitement
feel the wind shout "hey! welcome back again"
on the way to home again, no more being 'good' no more
late nights, love affairs, food boose and rock and roll
In the lazy water meadow I lay me down.
All around me golden sun flakes settle on the ground.
Basking in the sunshine of a bygone afternoon
Bringing sounds of yesterday into this city room.
lazy summer afternoons
after school at the alipore house
chilled sweets and reading in the sun in the tennis court
tolly afternoons, smell of horses & chlorine
the known unscary world where all the parents r a little wild and bad
Following the path as it leads toward
The darkness in the north
Weary stranger's faces show their sympathy
They've seen that hope before
thought there was so much ahead
thought there was so much to win
thought there was so much i was destined for
all alone, by myself, jealous, possesive, as always
of every thought, every shade, every nuance of the ego
every book i loved, every song and cried with, every lofty dream lusted after
And if you want to stay for a little bit
Rest your aching limbs for a little bit
For you the night is beckoning
And now you can't delay
You hear the night birds calling you
But you can't catch the words they say
And you must you realize be on your way
do u ever feel tired? do u ever feel like the road is too long
do u ever feel like a beginning swimmer
splashing splashing and thrashing in the water
when u open ur eyes ur an inch away, and everyones dissapeared into the distance
Throw your thoughts back many years
To the time when love was life with every morning
Perhaps a day will come when the match for me the curlers past warning
i like it here. but it gets lonely at times. after all i dont know a soul here with whom I dont have to pretend with whom u dont have to be careful not to shock. the patent curiousity and "forever sharing" and the usandthem that we perpetrated and upheld. anyone who'll have a clue what the fuck im talking about if i just let loose. i feel at times like a deep sea driver. my lungs are bursting and i need to come up for a breath. desperately seeking i grope out in the dark. if i dont find one of my own, perhaps ill die then. spoke to chatts this weekend. im good for a while again.there are four people in this world - chatts, sauce, buro, ad. its not that i love them - its not that im close to them - we barely keep in touch - but if i dont get one of them to touch across the miles once in a while, ill die - like a fish out of water. u need to let the mask down every once in a while.
the lunatic is in my head
ummagamma and dark side. barrett, waters
been a long time
We wanderers, ever seeking the lonelier way, begin no day where we have ended another day; and no sunrise finds us where sunset left us. We are the seeds of the tenacious plant, and it is in our ripeness and our fullness of heart that we are given to the wind and are scattered.
You have been told that, even like a chain, you are as weak as your weakest link. This is but half the truth. You are also as strong as your strongest link.
To measure you by your smallest deed is to reckon the power of ocean by the frailty of its foam. And like the seasons you are also, And though in your winter you deny your spring, Yet spring, reposing within you, smiles in her drowsiness and is not offended. Think not I say these things in order that you may say the one to the other, "He praised us well. He saw but the good in us." I only speak to you in words of that which you yourselves know in thought. And what is word knowledge but a shadow of wordless knowledge? Your thoughts and my words are waves from a sealed memory that keeps records of our yesterdays, And of the ancient days when the earth knew not us nor herself, You have given me deeper thirsting after life. Surely there is no greater gift to a man than that which turns all his aims into parching lips and all life into a fountain. And in this lies my honour and my reward,
That whenever I come to the fountain to drink I find the living water itself thirsty; And it drinks me while I drink it. And some of you have called me aloof, and drunk with my own aloneness, And you have said, "He holds council with the trees of the forest, but not with men. He sits alone on hill-tops and looks down upon our city." True it is that I have climbed the hills and walked in remote places. How could I have seen you save from a great height or a great distance? How can one be indeed near unless he be far? Stranger, stranger, lover of unreachable heights, why dwell you among the summits where eagles build their nests? Why seek you the unattainable? What storms would you trap in your net, And what vaporous birds do you hunt in the sky? Come and be one of us. Descend and appease your hunger with our bread and quench your thirst with our wine." In the solitude of their souls they said these things; But were their solitude deeper they would have known that I sought but the secret of your joy and your pain, And I hunted only your larger selves that walk the sky. For often have I put my finger in my own wound that I might have the greater belief in you and the greater knowledge of you.
A little while, and my longing shall gather dust and foam for another body. A little while, a moment of rest upon the wind, and another woman shall bear me. Farewell to you and the youth I have spent with you. It was but yesterday we met in a dream. You have sung to me in my aloneness, and I of your longings have built a tower in the sky. But now our sleep has fled and our dream is over, and it is no longer dawn. The noontide is upon us and our half waking has turned to fuller day, and we must part. If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song. And if our hands should meet in another dream, we shall build another tower in the sky. So saying he made a signal to the seamen, and straightaway they weighed anchor and cast the ship loose from its moorings, and they moved eastward. And a cry came from the people as from a single heart, and it rose the dusk and was carried out over the sea like a great trumpeting.
Only Almitra was silent, gazing after the ship until it had vanished into the mist. And when all the people were dispersed she still stood alone upon the sea-wall, remembering in her heart his saying, A little while, a moment of rest upon the wind, and another woman shall bear me."
gibran
We wanderers, ever seeking the lonelier way, begin no day where we have ended another day; and no sunrise finds us where sunset left us. We are the seeds of the tenacious plant, and it is in our ripeness and our fullness of heart that we are given to the wind and are scattered.
You have been told that, even like a chain, you are as weak as your weakest link. This is but half the truth. You are also as strong as your strongest link.
To measure you by your smallest deed is to reckon the power of ocean by the frailty of its foam. And like the seasons you are also, And though in your winter you deny your spring, Yet spring, reposing within you, smiles in her drowsiness and is not offended. Think not I say these things in order that you may say the one to the other, "He praised us well. He saw but the good in us." I only speak to you in words of that which you yourselves know in thought. And what is word knowledge but a shadow of wordless knowledge? Your thoughts and my words are waves from a sealed memory that keeps records of our yesterdays, And of the ancient days when the earth knew not us nor herself, You have given me deeper thirsting after life. Surely there is no greater gift to a man than that which turns all his aims into parching lips and all life into a fountain. And in this lies my honour and my reward,
That whenever I come to the fountain to drink I find the living water itself thirsty; And it drinks me while I drink it. And some of you have called me aloof, and drunk with my own aloneness, And you have said, "He holds council with the trees of the forest, but not with men. He sits alone on hill-tops and looks down upon our city." True it is that I have climbed the hills and walked in remote places. How could I have seen you save from a great height or a great distance? How can one be indeed near unless he be far? Stranger, stranger, lover of unreachable heights, why dwell you among the summits where eagles build their nests? Why seek you the unattainable? What storms would you trap in your net, And what vaporous birds do you hunt in the sky? Come and be one of us. Descend and appease your hunger with our bread and quench your thirst with our wine." In the solitude of their souls they said these things; But were their solitude deeper they would have known that I sought but the secret of your joy and your pain, And I hunted only your larger selves that walk the sky. For often have I put my finger in my own wound that I might have the greater belief in you and the greater knowledge of you.
A little while, and my longing shall gather dust and foam for another body. A little while, a moment of rest upon the wind, and another woman shall bear me. Farewell to you and the youth I have spent with you. It was but yesterday we met in a dream. You have sung to me in my aloneness, and I of your longings have built a tower in the sky. But now our sleep has fled and our dream is over, and it is no longer dawn. The noontide is upon us and our half waking has turned to fuller day, and we must part. If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more, we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song. And if our hands should meet in another dream, we shall build another tower in the sky. So saying he made a signal to the seamen, and straightaway they weighed anchor and cast the ship loose from its moorings, and they moved eastward. And a cry came from the people as from a single heart, and it rose the dusk and was carried out over the sea like a great trumpeting.
Only Almitra was silent, gazing after the ship until it had vanished into the mist. And when all the people were dispersed she still stood alone upon the sea-wall, remembering in her heart his saying, A little while, a moment of rest upon the wind, and another woman shall bear me."
gibran
THE WINDS
Have you ever built a house of cards? Its a strange excerise. Meant to teach patience. All it ever taught me was frustration. And an intense, boiling, deep down inside rage, that bubbles and froths and threatens to scald my insides! You'd sooner cool fire than teach me patience!
Anyway, ad requiem. the reason I brought up the house of cards was to point out its funny juxtaposition of firmness and instability. Till a sec before the One wrong card ... its a most logical, stable, if useless, structure. One wrong card and not only the errent new addition, but every member of the structure comes tumbling down ...
One harsh word, one small failure and the "i really loved u" flies. Talism lost, the devil rushes in on the hapless heart. The prayer beads fallen, the incessent chanting stops. In the jarring silence of the hollow dry well of my heart, the snide voice threatens to shout. Loud enough that I will hear. Loud enough that I cant shut it out. NO!!! I cover my ears and run. "promise u wont cry" ...
Why does emotions not answer and follow where the voice of reason commands? Why run helter skelter like windswept sand in my native land. Why life so hard. So sweet but yet so hard. And I, I cannot even show them. The phantoms are still bound to the skeletons, hidden in deep dungeons. Of my cold stone heart. I lean ... my back against the door. I hide. I feint. I parry queries with wit or deceit. And and make thrust to distract the enemy-friend.
From the dawn of my days, You, all of you, have been my winds ...
The winds that dry and torment, whip and mock & howl and throw u crying on the sand
The winds that drive you and make you fly, that fill your sail and push you on
The winds that bring rain, that you grow and green, bear fruit
The winds that take the seeds away when you have borne your fruit
The winds that sing lullabies on lone desert nights, cart drunken sweet visions and smells
from faraway, unknown, unheard of oasis caravans
The winds that churn you up, howling screeching, tormenting you with their pagan, filthy manic dance
From the dawn of my days, You, all of you, have been my winds,
I, the gypsy after your hawk trend ...
Now, how can I be calm land again, at your new command?
There was just him and then, later his echo to save me
To hold me back from heights so glorious
And pull me back from plunging gorges
To try to keep me on the human plane
The sparrow-ling held back from hypnotic flight of Eagles
But the were swept away with the Winds ...
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
-- W.H. Auden
Anyway, ad requiem. the reason I brought up the house of cards was to point out its funny juxtaposition of firmness and instability. Till a sec before the One wrong card ... its a most logical, stable, if useless, structure. One wrong card and not only the errent new addition, but every member of the structure comes tumbling down ...
One harsh word, one small failure and the "i really loved u" flies. Talism lost, the devil rushes in on the hapless heart. The prayer beads fallen, the incessent chanting stops. In the jarring silence of the hollow dry well of my heart, the snide voice threatens to shout. Loud enough that I will hear. Loud enough that I cant shut it out. NO!!! I cover my ears and run. "promise u wont cry" ...
Why does emotions not answer and follow where the voice of reason commands? Why run helter skelter like windswept sand in my native land. Why life so hard. So sweet but yet so hard. And I, I cannot even show them. The phantoms are still bound to the skeletons, hidden in deep dungeons. Of my cold stone heart. I lean ... my back against the door. I hide. I feint. I parry queries with wit or deceit. And and make thrust to distract the enemy-friend.
From the dawn of my days, You, all of you, have been my winds ...
The winds that dry and torment, whip and mock & howl and throw u crying on the sand
The winds that drive you and make you fly, that fill your sail and push you on
The winds that bring rain, that you grow and green, bear fruit
The winds that take the seeds away when you have borne your fruit
The winds that sing lullabies on lone desert nights, cart drunken sweet visions and smells
from faraway, unknown, unheard of oasis caravans
The winds that churn you up, howling screeching, tormenting you with their pagan, filthy manic dance
From the dawn of my days, You, all of you, have been my winds,
I, the gypsy after your hawk trend ...
Now, how can I be calm land again, at your new command?
There was just him and then, later his echo to save me
To hold me back from heights so glorious
And pull me back from plunging gorges
To try to keep me on the human plane
The sparrow-ling held back from hypnotic flight of Eagles
But the were swept away with the Winds ...
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
-- W.H. Auden
The Passion Of The Christ
I just saw the The Passion Of The Christ
As a picture, I loved it. The photography is brilliant, the costumes, the screenplay, the framing of the whole story ...
But something else. I dont know if the narration was so evocative, the setting out of the play so effective
or the subject so well known and loved ... but it just seemed so real
I cry at every movie, and sob at a lot of movies.
But I looked around in the semi dark hall and saw many other people, men & woman,
sobbing, crying like something dreadful was happening in front of them, to them
I had heard that the violence was bloody and vivid ... but i didnt anticipate how much
I saw his interview in the morning. They were talking about how the movie seemed to be moving people
and asked him to comment on what kind of effect did he hope the movie would have
He said he hopes it will forment a feeling of love between fellow men. will it? i hope so too. inshallah.
Somehow historic stories of this time make me feel that these are all linked in some way. the jews, the arabs, the aryans. but how? and if so why is it like this?
As a picture, I loved it. The photography is brilliant, the costumes, the screenplay, the framing of the whole story ...
But something else. I dont know if the narration was so evocative, the setting out of the play so effective
or the subject so well known and loved ... but it just seemed so real
I cry at every movie, and sob at a lot of movies.
But I looked around in the semi dark hall and saw many other people, men & woman,
sobbing, crying like something dreadful was happening in front of them, to them
I had heard that the violence was bloody and vivid ... but i didnt anticipate how much
I saw his interview in the morning. They were talking about how the movie seemed to be moving people
and asked him to comment on what kind of effect did he hope the movie would have
He said he hopes it will forment a feeling of love between fellow men. will it? i hope so too. inshallah.
Somehow historic stories of this time make me feel that these are all linked in some way. the jews, the arabs, the aryans. but how? and if so why is it like this?
"Abre Los Ojos"
another week has gone by. another rest rolled in. why does this one feel more earned? or am I premature as usual.
why does it feel like im alive? i know - 3 reasons - its a secret!
a remembered taste rumbles in my stomach - and knocks me off my feet with its intensity ... rumballs from flury's park!!! street! Aaaah ... Calcutta! to miss you again ...
I saw Abre Los Ojos. liked it. its different from vanilla sky. yet interesting. different in treatment. in feeling.
what if life were like that - tech support ... there are moments I have a strong feeling like that
a short ephemereal surreal stab of a feeling ... the latest was this morning in the parking lot - it was dark - early yet - I was walking very fast - no one was around - suddenly a man popped out like from no where - and he smiled in passing - there was a certain undefinable quality in his smile - he smiled the way you would smile at someone you know very well ... there was a certain undefinable quality in the moment - like the moment when she said "we never had to take any of this seriously, did we" and he smiled. It happened to me once before on a bus in bristol. a little girl. she was sitting opposite the door - as I climbed on she smiled - there was a certain undefinable quality in the smile - like how u smile at someone in a brief pause of make belive in the school play while hurrying between scene changes
"Abre Los Ojos" "Not yet hombre - I still enjoy this ride"
why does it feel like im alive? i know - 3 reasons - its a secret!
a remembered taste rumbles in my stomach - and knocks me off my feet with its intensity ... rumballs from flury's park!!! street! Aaaah ... Calcutta! to miss you again ...
I saw Abre Los Ojos. liked it. its different from vanilla sky. yet interesting. different in treatment. in feeling.
what if life were like that - tech support ... there are moments I have a strong feeling like that
a short ephemereal surreal stab of a feeling ... the latest was this morning in the parking lot - it was dark - early yet - I was walking very fast - no one was around - suddenly a man popped out like from no where - and he smiled in passing - there was a certain undefinable quality in his smile - he smiled the way you would smile at someone you know very well ... there was a certain undefinable quality in the moment - like the moment when she said "we never had to take any of this seriously, did we" and he smiled. It happened to me once before on a bus in bristol. a little girl. she was sitting opposite the door - as I climbed on she smiled - there was a certain undefinable quality in the smile - like how u smile at someone in a brief pause of make belive in the school play while hurrying between scene changes
"Abre Los Ojos" "Not yet hombre - I still enjoy this ride"
160 - 160 - 20
Im getting there
I woke up at 4:45
was in the gym by 5:30
had my session with the lady till 6:40
then I did my workout till 7:10
Got ready in 30 mins - no dreaming in the sauna
Got home by 7:50 ... but STILL reached work late
God - I need to stop - I came home just bcz of that
what weakness. what addiction. what madness
i can feel my insides tearing. ive been on it for 15 years now
ive run away from everyone who tried to help me stop
making them enemies
its like another person in me - a devil - a spirit
Im as bad as baba almost now
i need to stop. i HAVE to stop
sex, love, rock & roll,idling, dreaming, flirting,
eating, drinking, drugs & smoking
everything that feels good & everything thats banned
By the cold and religious we were taken in hand
Shown how to feel good and told to feel bad
I got a mail from him early this morning
Do you remember me, how we used to be
Now he is so far away
In every possible way
Now theres no reaching him inside him anymore
Now we mail and smile and chat and laugh
like strangers in two seperate worlds
Live our seperate lives, And we go our seperate ways
Cause we dont see eye to eye
And we cant stand face to face
Pom - I tried to warn you. I hope I was wrong
That it wont feel the same for you
I got a missed call from my dad
I called back and he said he just called
He made me call back cz he was short :)
Hah - what a joke
my one year is way less than his one month
Poor me. Poor Poor me. Poor indigent, in capable, poverty struck, worthless, failing, struggling, gasping to keep up with them, choking, falling back behingd even the stragglers me.poor also ran me
8:52 in the morninga cup of black hot strong and self pity
wow! thats not the way to do it babe
Im cool. Im awesome. Im one of the nicest people I know
Im fun. Ive areally cool sense of humour
If I was someone else - Id be crazy about me
And Im moving everyday
Im getting there. Late starters dont have to lose
Life is a long distance race - he who lasts win.
And Ill last.
Ive survived things that would make ur hair curl if you knew. All my life as long as Ive lived.
Ive sinned, Ive done bad, that would make ur hair curl if you knew.
Things u cant imagine, things you have never dreamed - aisa bhi hota hai - issi duniya mein
And Ive had good like that too. Amazing goodness, Amazing prizes, Amazing Prices :)And then Ive looked back and laughed ... I love you baby.
You're the man.
I woke up at 4:45
was in the gym by 5:30
had my session with the lady till 6:40
then I did my workout till 7:10
Got ready in 30 mins - no dreaming in the sauna
Got home by 7:50 ... but STILL reached work late
God - I need to stop - I came home just bcz of that
what weakness. what addiction. what madness
i can feel my insides tearing. ive been on it for 15 years now
ive run away from everyone who tried to help me stop
making them enemies
its like another person in me - a devil - a spirit
Im as bad as baba almost now
i need to stop. i HAVE to stop
sex, love, rock & roll,idling, dreaming, flirting,
eating, drinking, drugs & smoking
everything that feels good & everything thats banned
By the cold and religious we were taken in hand
Shown how to feel good and told to feel bad
I got a mail from him early this morning
Do you remember me, how we used to be
Now he is so far away
In every possible way
Now theres no reaching him inside him anymore
Now we mail and smile and chat and laugh
like strangers in two seperate worlds
Live our seperate lives, And we go our seperate ways
Cause we dont see eye to eye
And we cant stand face to face
Pom - I tried to warn you. I hope I was wrong
That it wont feel the same for you
I got a missed call from my dad
I called back and he said he just called
He made me call back cz he was short :)
Hah - what a joke
my one year is way less than his one month
Poor me. Poor Poor me. Poor indigent, in capable, poverty struck, worthless, failing, struggling, gasping to keep up with them, choking, falling back behingd even the stragglers me.poor also ran me
8:52 in the morninga cup of black hot strong and self pity
wow! thats not the way to do it babe
Im cool. Im awesome. Im one of the nicest people I know
Im fun. Ive areally cool sense of humour
If I was someone else - Id be crazy about me
And Im moving everyday
Im getting there. Late starters dont have to lose
Life is a long distance race - he who lasts win.
And Ill last.
Ive survived things that would make ur hair curl if you knew. All my life as long as Ive lived.
Ive sinned, Ive done bad, that would make ur hair curl if you knew.
Things u cant imagine, things you have never dreamed - aisa bhi hota hai - issi duniya mein
And Ive had good like that too. Amazing goodness, Amazing prizes, Amazing Prices :)And then Ive looked back and laughed ... I love you baby.
You're the man.
a day in the life of ...
dear blog,
i woke up at 5 am today (actually 5:07) to beethoven on the radio
sat at the comp with my coffee and my sustainence - in full zombie mode
Then I looked at the clock - I was late - had wanted to reach by 5:30 today
Still time - I got out by 5:35 ... But every piece of glass in the car was covered with a thick layer if ice like a teenager with a face mask on. I sat inside and put the defrost thing on. waited. then I got out. fetched a cloth ... no good. got out. fetched some water - worked - but misted over again before I knew it. All this in the pitch dark ... with queen singing - appropriately - melancholy blues - from inside the car
anyway - I got to the gym at 5:50. Hunted out the card thing she asked me to right stuff on. huffed through the workout. got to the weights ... all excited ... but it was no fun. she thinks Im a pansy. I could do this much in my sleep!!! Oh Yeah ... !
7:10 climb up to the locker. Tell myself to run-prero-run, but get "caught up" in the sauna. Im addicted to the sauna atmosphere. Just the fact that no one comes there and it feels like a little log cabin in the end of nowhere. I just love to lie down there and dream. only trouble with, dream is, Im dreaming my life away. Okay then I get out get dressed and painted and get into the car. Its 7:40 - I need to be at work at 8. There still some time to get home for some sustainence if I RUNNNNNNNNNNNN
Big chance. Getting out (btw the gym is bang opp a police something) I cant figure out how to cross the road and go to the extreme left - with cars swishing fast from every which way ... takes me about 7 mins.
By the time Im home after a mini scrap with a co worker about if I could get a lift (i HAT driving sometimes) - I got to work at 8:20 - 20 mins late
tokhun theke laat khachhi. kaaj to kichhui nei.
yesterday I finished the last of my cooked food. I dont have the enthu to cook again. I came back from work at 6PM. Had a soak with a nice glass of wine for an hour. dreaming :). Then heated up dinner and ate. Talked to Teddy. and settled down in bed for the night with Mary (Queen of Scotts) and my new jasmine yling ylang pillow perfume. Woke up at 12 - sleep walked to the kitchen and stole some bitter chocolate and then lay in the dark and slipped and tumbled back and forth between dreams and sleep ... till the beethoven rang out at 5
i woke up at 5 am today (actually 5:07) to beethoven on the radio
sat at the comp with my coffee and my sustainence - in full zombie mode
Then I looked at the clock - I was late - had wanted to reach by 5:30 today
Still time - I got out by 5:35 ... But every piece of glass in the car was covered with a thick layer if ice like a teenager with a face mask on. I sat inside and put the defrost thing on. waited. then I got out. fetched a cloth ... no good. got out. fetched some water - worked - but misted over again before I knew it. All this in the pitch dark ... with queen singing - appropriately - melancholy blues - from inside the car
anyway - I got to the gym at 5:50. Hunted out the card thing she asked me to right stuff on. huffed through the workout. got to the weights ... all excited ... but it was no fun. she thinks Im a pansy. I could do this much in my sleep!!! Oh Yeah ... !
7:10 climb up to the locker. Tell myself to run-prero-run, but get "caught up" in the sauna. Im addicted to the sauna atmosphere. Just the fact that no one comes there and it feels like a little log cabin in the end of nowhere. I just love to lie down there and dream. only trouble with, dream is, Im dreaming my life away. Okay then I get out get dressed and painted and get into the car. Its 7:40 - I need to be at work at 8. There still some time to get home for some sustainence if I RUNNNNNNNNNNNN
Big chance. Getting out (btw the gym is bang opp a police something) I cant figure out how to cross the road and go to the extreme left - with cars swishing fast from every which way ... takes me about 7 mins.
By the time Im home after a mini scrap with a co worker about if I could get a lift (i HAT driving sometimes) - I got to work at 8:20 - 20 mins late
tokhun theke laat khachhi. kaaj to kichhui nei.
yesterday I finished the last of my cooked food. I dont have the enthu to cook again. I came back from work at 6PM. Had a soak with a nice glass of wine for an hour. dreaming :). Then heated up dinner and ate. Talked to Teddy. and settled down in bed for the night with Mary (Queen of Scotts) and my new jasmine yling ylang pillow perfume. Woke up at 12 - sleep walked to the kitchen and stole some bitter chocolate and then lay in the dark and slipped and tumbled back and forth between dreams and sleep ... till the beethoven rang out at 5
And My Most Favourite Two ...
Jeff Bebe: Some people have a hard time explaining rock 'n' roll. I don't think anyone can really explain rock 'n' roll. Except Pete Townshend, but that's okay. Rock 'n' roll is a lifestyle and a way of thinking... and it's not about money and popularity. Although, some money would be nice. But it's a voice that says, "Here I am... and fuck you if you can't understand me." And one of these people is gonna save the world. And that means that rock 'n' roll can save the world... all of us together. And the chicks are great. But what it all comes down to is that thing. The indefinable thing when people catch something in your music.
Penny Lane: Maybe it is love, as much as it can be, for somebody - William Miller: Somebody who sold you to Humble Pie for fifty bucks and a case of beer! I was there! I was there! . . . Look- I'm sorry. Penny Lane: [sniffs] What kind of beer? Penny Lane: Look - you should be happy for me. You don't know what he says to me in private. Maybe it is love -- as much as it can be...
A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed that what really matters is WHAT you like, not what you ARE like. Books, records, films – these things matter! Call me shallow, it’s the fucking truth. It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party. - Rob
The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know whether pop music has caused this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives. What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music? - Rob
Penny Lane: Maybe it is love, as much as it can be, for somebody - William Miller: Somebody who sold you to Humble Pie for fifty bucks and a case of beer! I was there! I was there! . . . Look- I'm sorry. Penny Lane: [sniffs] What kind of beer? Penny Lane: Look - you should be happy for me. You don't know what he says to me in private. Maybe it is love -- as much as it can be...
A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed that what really matters is WHAT you like, not what you ARE like. Books, records, films – these things matter! Call me shallow, it’s the fucking truth. It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party. - Rob
The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know whether pop music has caused this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives. What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music? - Rob
one vision
I had a dream
When I was young
A dream of sweet illusion
A glimpse of hope and unity
And visions of one sweet union
But a cold wind blows
And a dark rain falls
And in my heart it shows
Look what they've done to my dreams
Words and music by Freddie Mercury,Brian May,Roger Taylor and John Deacon, God works in mysterious ways
When I was young
A dream of sweet illusion
A glimpse of hope and unity
And visions of one sweet union
But a cold wind blows
And a dark rain falls
And in my heart it shows
Look what they've done to my dreams
Words and music by Freddie Mercury,Brian May,Roger Taylor and John Deacon, God works in mysterious ways
bliss
i bunked work! half day! oh, what bliss!
ill sleep and sleep and sleep ...
i adore being at home in the afternoon on a working day!
i didnt want to - i fought it - but i had no solid work
and it was that horrible sloooooooooooooooow day feeling that slowly seeps into ur brain
and makes u go deaddeaddeader till plonk you collapse and u just have to run
maybe its the bandh in kolkata - and the eid in dubai - heh heh!
i felt like i was the only one in the (my) world working ;)
or I can come up with a 1000 and 1 more colorful excuses ...
but the real reason is i also had fever
had it for a while now - but today it was killing me
even to sit up straight be polite in general conversation was an effort a notch beyond the limit
so here I am in heaven
listening to jim morrison & chatting with drumsticks
ill sleep and sleep and sleep ...
i adore being at home in the afternoon on a working day!
i didnt want to - i fought it - but i had no solid work
and it was that horrible sloooooooooooooooow day feeling that slowly seeps into ur brain
and makes u go deaddeaddeader till plonk you collapse and u just have to run
maybe its the bandh in kolkata - and the eid in dubai - heh heh!
i felt like i was the only one in the (my) world working ;)
or I can come up with a 1000 and 1 more colorful excuses ...
but the real reason is i also had fever
had it for a while now - but today it was killing me
even to sit up straight be polite in general conversation was an effort a notch beyond the limit
so here I am in heaven
listening to jim morrison & chatting with drumsticks
I woke up to classical music on the radio
And then drove to work to Lynnard Skynnard & Eddie Van Halen
How good does a day get?
its 8:30 and Ive been up for 3.5 hours
to the gym and back and at work early!!!
what a beautiful day! A wonderful morning!
everything is so great all around when Im not mad at myself :-)
But 'myself" is so hard to please
the voice in my head goes dont get to cocky u ass - lets see how long it lasts, u loser. And didnt u get lost on ur way back from the gym ...
I spent a nice clean weekend. Totally solitary & I didnt even switch on the comp or the phone - almost. Its so hard to shake them all of and such bliss when u manage.
Went to the Deep Purple show (which was mind blowing). Spring Cleaned my house. Read my maryqueenofscotts and cooked chana chawal for myself. In the evenings I saw Yadein & Wings of Hope. With the new cheese and old wine and the spiced olives.
The concert was brilliant. But unforunately I dragged along someone who's not at all into music (as we know it)
so that part of it was pretty pathetic - I felt horrible about having brought him along perforce bcz it was obvious he was getting thouroughly bored and kept reminding me about this by his comments. Also my music is something I feel kind of funny about - that is I dont like to discuss books or music I like a lot - its kind of feels personal. and when someone criticises or makes fun of it - I feel horrible - though I never say anything - I just laugh - but I feel lousy and - me being me - run as fast as I can.
Over the weekend I had a fight with someone! He said he didnt want to speak to me anymore - hah! like Im dying to talk to anyone!!! I hate it when people are absurd and he was acting truly demented! He is one of the most immature confused and selfish people I know. And is probably right now busy telling all his friends what a bitch I am. But he is decent otherwise so I know I will feel bad about the whole thing and go out of my way to patch up in a few days ... whats wrong with me?
spoke to saab - after ages today. got a missed call with no number. just knew it was him. I ran out and called him back. Hmmm ...
And then drove to work to Lynnard Skynnard & Eddie Van Halen
How good does a day get?
its 8:30 and Ive been up for 3.5 hours
to the gym and back and at work early!!!
what a beautiful day! A wonderful morning!
everything is so great all around when Im not mad at myself :-)
But 'myself" is so hard to please
the voice in my head goes dont get to cocky u ass - lets see how long it lasts, u loser. And didnt u get lost on ur way back from the gym ...
I spent a nice clean weekend. Totally solitary & I didnt even switch on the comp or the phone - almost. Its so hard to shake them all of and such bliss when u manage.
Went to the Deep Purple show (which was mind blowing). Spring Cleaned my house. Read my maryqueenofscotts and cooked chana chawal for myself. In the evenings I saw Yadein & Wings of Hope. With the new cheese and old wine and the spiced olives.
The concert was brilliant. But unforunately I dragged along someone who's not at all into music (as we know it)
so that part of it was pretty pathetic - I felt horrible about having brought him along perforce bcz it was obvious he was getting thouroughly bored and kept reminding me about this by his comments. Also my music is something I feel kind of funny about - that is I dont like to discuss books or music I like a lot - its kind of feels personal. and when someone criticises or makes fun of it - I feel horrible - though I never say anything - I just laugh - but I feel lousy and - me being me - run as fast as I can.
Over the weekend I had a fight with someone! He said he didnt want to speak to me anymore - hah! like Im dying to talk to anyone!!! I hate it when people are absurd and he was acting truly demented! He is one of the most immature confused and selfish people I know. And is probably right now busy telling all his friends what a bitch I am. But he is decent otherwise so I know I will feel bad about the whole thing and go out of my way to patch up in a few days ... whats wrong with me?
spoke to saab - after ages today. got a missed call with no number. just knew it was him. I ran out and called him back. Hmmm ...
dementia is back
Q: why did he do this - it was so unnecessary
A: bcz thats the way he is. if u were him and in his shoes u would have done the same ... probably
Q: why do I keep fucking up
A: bcz I cant learn to keep with my type
Q: what my type
A: people who have fucked up & missed all the buses theer were and know it and can laugh about it hysterically. screwed up people. with messed up childhoods. 'losers' who dont give a shit about the game. "this is what I am and fuck you if you cant understand it"
Observation - in 28 years I have had come across only two guys - who liked me - independantly. they hurt me more than any of the guys I liked who didnt give a shit about me. people who like you are so cruel. people who dont give a shit r so much kinder
Q: why am I so pathalogocally obsessed with what other people think of me
A: bcz Im a "wannabe goodie" - a bad person disguised as good person - paranoid that the brilliant disguise will fall apart any minute
Q: why do I keep fucking up at work
A: same reason I fucked up at school. obsess with everything that doesnt matter and forget that this all there really is
Q: am I demented
A: yes
Q: is there hope
A: NO WAY!!!! and the fact that Im laughing at this proves it!!!
A: bcz thats the way he is. if u were him and in his shoes u would have done the same ... probably
Q: why do I keep fucking up
A: bcz I cant learn to keep with my type
Q: what my type
A: people who have fucked up & missed all the buses theer were and know it and can laugh about it hysterically. screwed up people. with messed up childhoods. 'losers' who dont give a shit about the game. "this is what I am and fuck you if you cant understand it"
Observation - in 28 years I have had come across only two guys - who liked me - independantly. they hurt me more than any of the guys I liked who didnt give a shit about me. people who like you are so cruel. people who dont give a shit r so much kinder
Q: why am I so pathalogocally obsessed with what other people think of me
A: bcz Im a "wannabe goodie" - a bad person disguised as good person - paranoid that the brilliant disguise will fall apart any minute
Q: why do I keep fucking up at work
A: same reason I fucked up at school. obsess with everything that doesnt matter and forget that this all there really is
Q: am I demented
A: yes
Q: is there hope
A: NO WAY!!!! and the fact that Im laughing at this proves it!!!
my weekend
tiring. but nice. clean
so much left to do. i dont believe its so near now
im almost panicked.
saw a movie - my fathers daughter
it was traumatic - almost!
so much left to do. i dont believe its so near now
im almost panicked.
saw a movie - my fathers daughter
it was traumatic - almost!
trainspotting
finally saw trainspotting. all of it. is okay
its been a long time since I kept awake till 5:30 reading
im reading mary queen of scotts. its immanse
i started studying yesterday. the exams on the 20th
i hope i pass somehow
i studied hard till 2 ... but of course took a short break to watch calcutta-mail - abridged
god bless the forward button
yesterday - one more futile attempt to give it up! o bugger me
its been a long time since I kept awake till 5:30 reading
im reading mary queen of scotts. its immanse
i started studying yesterday. the exams on the 20th
i hope i pass somehow
i studied hard till 2 ... but of course took a short break to watch calcutta-mail - abridged
god bless the forward button
yesterday - one more futile attempt to give it up! o bugger me
vanilla sky
i saw vanilla sky. i was told its vague and boring and mind blowing ... rahul, nirmal & munal. no wonder ma says me and munal are siamese ...
its mind blowing!
its mind blowing!
The Rodeo
The Rodeo
I went for the San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo
It was brilliant ... the show, the crowd - jam packed with stetsons and cowboy boots, the drive, Alan Jackson and finding my way back with the clock raced to 12. I uploaded the photographs
here!
I went for the San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo
It was brilliant ... the show, the crowd - jam packed with stetsons and cowboy boots, the drive, Alan Jackson and finding my way back with the clock raced to 12. I uploaded the photographs
here!
wonderful wonderful weekend!
like a run and a nap in golden fields of hay
with "quiet waters by"
and a sun that shines and shines and shines ...
actually it rained
but it was wonderful
listening to the sound of the rain between one song ending and another starting
listening to alternately to a motley mix of led zep &
girija devi and "kuchh kho raha hai, kuchh mil raha hai"
cooking, eating, laughing and clowning around all day. reading, crying, remembering - all night ...
yes, surely sorrow has its joys too? the sweet side of pain?
"As I walked along the winding roads
Every cross road seemed to me to be climactic,
Fate deciding, and ultimate
Each decision that I had to make a alone,
I bent double under, pacing back and forth between the options
A million times, before I fearfully, hesitantly put one foot forward
And took my first tentative steps along the chosen path.
Convinced, a mistake will mean forever doom.
Some times I was wrong, sometimes I was right.
But lifes mistakes were never fatal.
I should know, Ive made so many.
But even when you take a wrong turn, the worst that happens
Is a unwanted detour. A forced wait that teaches much good
Discipline. Desire. Strength.
In hindsight, each point seems so trivial
No right. No wrong.
Just a rainbow scattered lines and points.
Making up one unique path. One unique life.
And a life, so beautiful."
like a run and a nap in golden fields of hay
with "quiet waters by"
and a sun that shines and shines and shines ...
actually it rained
but it was wonderful
listening to the sound of the rain between one song ending and another starting
listening to alternately to a motley mix of led zep &
girija devi and "kuchh kho raha hai, kuchh mil raha hai"
cooking, eating, laughing and clowning around all day. reading, crying, remembering - all night ...
yes, surely sorrow has its joys too? the sweet side of pain?
"As I walked along the winding roads
Every cross road seemed to me to be climactic,
Fate deciding, and ultimate
Each decision that I had to make a alone,
I bent double under, pacing back and forth between the options
A million times, before I fearfully, hesitantly put one foot forward
And took my first tentative steps along the chosen path.
Convinced, a mistake will mean forever doom.
Some times I was wrong, sometimes I was right.
But lifes mistakes were never fatal.
I should know, Ive made so many.
But even when you take a wrong turn, the worst that happens
Is a unwanted detour. A forced wait that teaches much good
Discipline. Desire. Strength.
In hindsight, each point seems so trivial
No right. No wrong.
Just a rainbow scattered lines and points.
Making up one unique path. One unique life.
And a life, so beautiful."
after a very long time I visited a new blog. it was a great feeling in itself. and the blog was interesting too. and dark enough to suit my present mood, yet flippant enough that you can convince urself ur kidding.
i realised that i really started liking these things ... ruled post-it's
something has come into my range of vision ... though its far away. its been ages since i felt once again that i want something. not "i want" like i wanna be saved from something. or not "i want" like selecting something thats on offer ... but this ...
do I dare wish for it? i dunno. what silly things i set my heart upon ... if anyone knew - they'd be so amused. its no big deal for most people. just a platform. just a project. just a job. just a company ...
yesterday i took a class - 51 people - OMG - i freaked. is this the same me whose heart felt like rollercoaster on a downward swing when a i had to speak to more that 2 people at a time? strange disease. im not shy. i can walk upto strangers and be on old cotton tshirt terms in an hour but I cant relax with more than two people at a time even if they are my mom dad grandmom level of familiarity ...
i saw the cutest little boy in class. looked just like Him. i dont blv it can feel so strange. even after all these years? how long have i not seen The face. 5 years, 6 years. and i still remember every shade of every strand of hair. every scar and its history. every look and its meaning. the exact way his voice would sound - colored with a certain emotion - laughter, anger, sorrow. in any given situation, without consciously thinking about it the first thing that comes to my mind is what he would have said. that much familiarity. nothing more, nothing less. who is more cursed than them who ran away from love ... my horoscope said strange things about a virgo in this year. hah ... "oh no ... not again"
spoke to rajesh again today. i talk to him often. but there was something vageuly different ...
oh pls - dont fall for that shit bebu
this is my faourite time of the week. Thursday EOD. WoW! I wanna get stoned. Immaculate.
Today Im listening to ...
lagaan lagi & "aag lage saare duniya ko, main teri ho gayi re balamji
and
"Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears
And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you
I need you
But -- there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box
I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got
There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away
And she kept on telling me
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad"
i realised that i really started liking these things ... ruled post-it's
something has come into my range of vision ... though its far away. its been ages since i felt once again that i want something. not "i want" like i wanna be saved from something. or not "i want" like selecting something thats on offer ... but this ...
do I dare wish for it? i dunno. what silly things i set my heart upon ... if anyone knew - they'd be so amused. its no big deal for most people. just a platform. just a project. just a job. just a company ...
yesterday i took a class - 51 people - OMG - i freaked. is this the same me whose heart felt like rollercoaster on a downward swing when a i had to speak to more that 2 people at a time? strange disease. im not shy. i can walk upto strangers and be on old cotton tshirt terms in an hour but I cant relax with more than two people at a time even if they are my mom dad grandmom level of familiarity ...
i saw the cutest little boy in class. looked just like Him. i dont blv it can feel so strange. even after all these years? how long have i not seen The face. 5 years, 6 years. and i still remember every shade of every strand of hair. every scar and its history. every look and its meaning. the exact way his voice would sound - colored with a certain emotion - laughter, anger, sorrow. in any given situation, without consciously thinking about it the first thing that comes to my mind is what he would have said. that much familiarity. nothing more, nothing less. who is more cursed than them who ran away from love ... my horoscope said strange things about a virgo in this year. hah ... "oh no ... not again"
spoke to rajesh again today. i talk to him often. but there was something vageuly different ...
oh pls - dont fall for that shit bebu
this is my faourite time of the week. Thursday EOD. WoW! I wanna get stoned. Immaculate.
Today Im listening to ...
lagaan lagi & "aag lage saare duniya ko, main teri ho gayi re balamji
and
"Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears
And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you
I need you
But -- there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box
I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got
There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away
And she kept on telling me
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad"
thats what you get for being a plagiarist
You're
the United Nations!
Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to
completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long
way to go. You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each
other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of
beating each other about the head and torso. Sometimes it works and sometimes
it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result. But your heart
is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.
Take the Country
Quiz at the Blue Pyramid
interpeter of maladies
i saw half of LoC
It was ... good till now
i started trainspotting last night but I couldnt finish it
cz people kept calling
i made palak paneer today for the first time
it was mind f blowing - Im TOO cool man ;)
saw a deer inside the complex
it crossed the street and came over for a evening visit!
for me it was really an exciting moment
and jhumpa l has me held.
first time since "love and other demons" im carrying a book around all day
It was ... good till now
i started trainspotting last night but I couldnt finish it
cz people kept calling
i made palak paneer today for the first time
it was mind f blowing - Im TOO cool man ;)
saw a deer inside the complex
it crossed the street and came over for a evening visit!
for me it was really an exciting moment
and jhumpa l has me held.
first time since "love and other demons" im carrying a book around all day
"needing someone is like needing a parachute - if they're not there the first time you need them, chances are you probably wont need them again"
why do we place such a high premium on "letting people in" and "reaching out to people"? how many people does anyone know who genuinely gives flying-fuck? we are all individual people. with individual lives. and individual problems. and you just have to learn to be lonely and love it. Everything else is bollocks
i got a missed call today. when I got back from my meeting and called the number back a little little boy picked up and before I could say anything he launched into a torrent of words punctuated by "mamma". I dont know why I started crying. Is this the equivalent of "I spy a family" from WHMS
why do we place such a high premium on "letting people in" and "reaching out to people"? how many people does anyone know who genuinely gives flying-fuck? we are all individual people. with individual lives. and individual problems. and you just have to learn to be lonely and love it. Everything else is bollocks
i got a missed call today. when I got back from my meeting and called the number back a little little boy picked up and before I could say anything he launched into a torrent of words punctuated by "mamma". I dont know why I started crying. Is this the equivalent of "I spy a family" from WHMS
a 1000 acres
i saw a 1000 acres.
it was very disturbing
ive left the dvd to see one more time
there are two kinds of people in this world
nice normal happy people
and people with "funny" childhoods
and the twain shall never meet
its a "us and them" thing.
and they will never understand. thank god. poor little things
when the movie is ending ginny, the eldest sister is left with her younger sisters kids
almost everyone else has died
and she says, they are the real inheritence. i watch them grow
and i see in them, something me and my sister never really had.
i see hope.
perhaps its true
the lost kids, never really have hope.
its like being born with aids. u fight it in different ways brave and beautiful. or dirty and bitter
but at the end of the day ur just trying to kill time till u die. ur marked.
im gonna watch trainspotting now
highly recommended by the kiddo
lets see how that is
im reading interpretor of maladies, by jhumpa lahiri
my firt book by an indian author. lets see how that goes.
i dont know what made me start it! besides anirban's enthusiasm!
i had a beautiful sunday!
last night I stayed up till 4 am
spoke to everyone except jinx
after ages
read. surfed. watched movies.
this morning I woke up at 9
tried frantically to call jinx but didnt get through
cleaned the house.
watched a movie. made (bad) upma
went to the library, walmart, spoke to my dad. cried a few tears hidden in the toilet papers section of walmart.
tried to catch rahul on the phone but failed as usual.
laughed at myself. went to my feelgood joint - IHOP and ate a HUGE steak omlette
saw a beautiful sunset that reminded me of "the sun is setting like molasses in the sky"
and now Im home and planing one of my massive ritual soak baths.
it was very disturbing
ive left the dvd to see one more time
there are two kinds of people in this world
nice normal happy people
and people with "funny" childhoods
and the twain shall never meet
its a "us and them" thing.
and they will never understand. thank god. poor little things
when the movie is ending ginny, the eldest sister is left with her younger sisters kids
almost everyone else has died
and she says, they are the real inheritence. i watch them grow
and i see in them, something me and my sister never really had.
i see hope.
perhaps its true
the lost kids, never really have hope.
its like being born with aids. u fight it in different ways brave and beautiful. or dirty and bitter
but at the end of the day ur just trying to kill time till u die. ur marked.
im gonna watch trainspotting now
highly recommended by the kiddo
lets see how that is
im reading interpretor of maladies, by jhumpa lahiri
my firt book by an indian author. lets see how that goes.
i dont know what made me start it! besides anirban's enthusiasm!
i had a beautiful sunday!
last night I stayed up till 4 am
spoke to everyone except jinx
after ages
read. surfed. watched movies.
this morning I woke up at 9
tried frantically to call jinx but didnt get through
cleaned the house.
watched a movie. made (bad) upma
went to the library, walmart, spoke to my dad. cried a few tears hidden in the toilet papers section of walmart.
tried to catch rahul on the phone but failed as usual.
laughed at myself. went to my feelgood joint - IHOP and ate a HUGE steak omlette
saw a beautiful sunset that reminded me of "the sun is setting like molasses in the sky"
and now Im home and planing one of my massive ritual soak baths.
i woke up late
did odd jobs around the house
lots a precious possesion
sat on the sidewalk in the sun and ate chocolate ice cream
felt lonely
saw three movies
had 3 conversations
and cooked chicken with herbs and honey
what a beautiful day!
i saw white oleander, dead man walking & original sin
in white oleander i liked something that her mother says ... loneliness is an essential part of the human experience. you will never get rid of it. learn to accept it and enjoy it. dont get attached to the first person who shows and interest in you out of fear of loneliness
i dead man walking i liked the way she is torn between the two sides of the story. what is right. what is wrong. i liked the way the keep showing the flashback of the kids killing the rat ... her one of them. cast the first stone.
in the original sin i liked the end when the boy monk says ... "but no one is innocent"
did odd jobs around the house
lots a precious possesion
sat on the sidewalk in the sun and ate chocolate ice cream
felt lonely
saw three movies
had 3 conversations
and cooked chicken with herbs and honey
what a beautiful day!
i saw white oleander, dead man walking & original sin
in white oleander i liked something that her mother says ... loneliness is an essential part of the human experience. you will never get rid of it. learn to accept it and enjoy it. dont get attached to the first person who shows and interest in you out of fear of loneliness
i dead man walking i liked the way she is torn between the two sides of the story. what is right. what is wrong. i liked the way the keep showing the flashback of the kids killing the rat ... her one of them. cast the first stone.
in the original sin i liked the end when the boy monk says ... "but no one is innocent"
yesterday I got a team tshirt from a old project Id worked on once.
pretty exciting, only that its xl :)
most of my friends in dubai were at the tull / chaurasia concert
and I got calls from them making me listen on the phone (!) ... OMG I wish I was there!
ive never been away from my mommy for so long before ... when I was in UK she came over 3 times and papa came 3 times too ... so that was 6 visits. and I went over to dubai once.
last night I saw a really shitty movie but it had a lot of mom-ish senti and I went wa-wa-waaa. missed my mommy.
last night at 11 the whole place was full of fog. went for a drive. just nearby. it was awesome. like driving in the clouds.
pretty exciting, only that its xl :)
most of my friends in dubai were at the tull / chaurasia concert
and I got calls from them making me listen on the phone (!) ... OMG I wish I was there!
ive never been away from my mommy for so long before ... when I was in UK she came over 3 times and papa came 3 times too ... so that was 6 visits. and I went over to dubai once.
last night I saw a really shitty movie but it had a lot of mom-ish senti and I went wa-wa-waaa. missed my mommy.
last night at 11 the whole place was full of fog. went for a drive. just nearby. it was awesome. like driving in the clouds.
I woke up this morning and I was happy ...
There are somethings which just switch me on the to happiness ...
Talking to some people
A certain way"" the sky is ...
wetness in the air ...
Looking in the mirror :)
Compliments
helping someone succesfully (v imp for a klutz)
getting something right at work
compliments
talking to someone i like ...
I could go one and on
There are somethings which just switch me on the to happiness ...
Talking to some people
A certain way"" the sky is ...
wetness in the air ...
Looking in the mirror :)
Compliments
helping someone succesfully (v imp for a klutz)
getting something right at work
compliments
talking to someone i like ...
I could go one and on
gods of clay
its a great thing to have faith in your fellow humans
Im sorry to say, I dont ...
I expect the filthiest dirt from everyone - bcz thats what I have always seen
but still, every once in a while
someone will slip through my gaurd and evaluation gates
and then I take them to the other extreme ...
these people are like gods, like parents, like friends ... whats the difference - at the end of the day.
they can shout at you, be rude to you, beat you up - but they always have ur interests at heart
when one of these people turn the knife ... it hurts like bloody hell ... e tu!
anyway ...
i spoke to rajesh today - after ages.
this is a guy I was once in love with ... in class 3 :)
i soon got over that, but we've great friends since then though both of us are a little sporadic in our attentions
its nice talking to someone who you've known since way back when
and I spoke to anu after ages
this is a girl I became pally with so recently that I havent even noticed it yet :)
but I really missed her while she was gone and though she's been back a while,
we had our first big "chat" last night and it was Great!
aise hi hote hain hum banjaara.
idhar udhar, ismein usmein,
dhunde bichhre ghar ke saaye ...
aur phir raah pein chal diye
jahaan thori si dhup khili ho
jahaan hawa naram bahein
pal do pal ghar wahaan hi paye ...
aur phir raah pein chal diye
Im sorry to say, I dont ...
I expect the filthiest dirt from everyone - bcz thats what I have always seen
but still, every once in a while
someone will slip through my gaurd and evaluation gates
and then I take them to the other extreme ...
these people are like gods, like parents, like friends ... whats the difference - at the end of the day.
they can shout at you, be rude to you, beat you up - but they always have ur interests at heart
when one of these people turn the knife ... it hurts like bloody hell ... e tu!
anyway ...
i spoke to rajesh today - after ages.
this is a guy I was once in love with ... in class 3 :)
i soon got over that, but we've great friends since then though both of us are a little sporadic in our attentions
its nice talking to someone who you've known since way back when
and I spoke to anu after ages
this is a girl I became pally with so recently that I havent even noticed it yet :)
but I really missed her while she was gone and though she's been back a while,
we had our first big "chat" last night and it was Great!
aise hi hote hain hum banjaara.
idhar udhar, ismein usmein,
dhunde bichhre ghar ke saaye ...
aur phir raah pein chal diye
jahaan thori si dhup khili ho
jahaan hawa naram bahein
pal do pal ghar wahaan hi paye ...
aur phir raah pein chal diye
I had a beautiful saturday - lazy and sweet
But last night - I heard something from someone I know which shocked and disgusted me
so much that Im still feeling sick whenever I think about it
why is there so much grossness in the world
and why are we so bad at judging people
this is someone who I thought so wonderful and so clean - till ...
worst of all are the people who claim they love you
this is love? god its sick!
or maybe Im wrong. maybe this is love ...
dirty, twisted, selfish, blind, self-obsessed ... is this love?
this horrible, hateful greed. this grasping, wanting, hunger for possession ... is this love?
anyway ... like they say, life nehi hain laddu, beta!
i got a whole load of movies today - bhoot (my ajay :), "haan maine bhi pyaar kiya" & "the english man who went up a hill". I woke up late. stayed on in bed reading "the little lord fauntleroy". drove to the gasstation and vacuumed my car clean. vacuumed the house. cleaned the loo. listened to the rain. window shopped at best buy. lunched on raajma and dined on spagetti. and drove all the way to sleepytown. what beatuful day. what a beautiful life. how sweet it is to be alive and free.
But last night - I heard something from someone I know which shocked and disgusted me
so much that Im still feeling sick whenever I think about it
why is there so much grossness in the world
and why are we so bad at judging people
this is someone who I thought so wonderful and so clean - till ...
worst of all are the people who claim they love you
this is love? god its sick!
or maybe Im wrong. maybe this is love ...
dirty, twisted, selfish, blind, self-obsessed ... is this love?
this horrible, hateful greed. this grasping, wanting, hunger for possession ... is this love?
anyway ... like they say, life nehi hain laddu, beta!
i got a whole load of movies today - bhoot (my ajay :), "haan maine bhi pyaar kiya" & "the english man who went up a hill". I woke up late. stayed on in bed reading "the little lord fauntleroy". drove to the gasstation and vacuumed my car clean. vacuumed the house. cleaned the loo. listened to the rain. window shopped at best buy. lunched on raajma and dined on spagetti. and drove all the way to sleepytown. what beatuful day. what a beautiful life. how sweet it is to be alive and free.
dementia returns
when I look back on my life
sometimes I wonder how I survived so far ... and remained sane!
sane ... what sane! who sane! how sane ... r u insane!!!
ab bas bahut ho gaya ... come back for a bit now lady luck ... pretty pls
what am I gonna do? life is so ... stuck!
everybody needs some body to love
everybody wants some body to love
u better find some body to love
but its hard to find some body to love ...
life is so confusing ... whats real whats not ... whats dirty whats fun ... whats achievement - whats just a gamescore
im so ... atka ... Im not getting anywhere - ive become so old ... how long will I go one like this! I realised with a shock that day ... its been 6 years now - and I havent even started! Im not even moving! SIX F YEARS! i gotto rush. i gotto make things happen. somehow. anyhow. dunno ... "kya kya na socha tha maine ... kya kya na sapne sajaaye ..." kuchh nehi ho raha hai! arre ho ga ho ga bachhi ... be patient - one step at a time ... like baba says - life is a long distance race - he who lasts the longest wins ... gotto hang on in there ... khaali sapne dekhne se koi aaj tak bara aadmi nehi bana ... kaam karo ... mehnat karo ... himmat karo ... papaar belo ... ;)
i wanna learn how to play the violin.
i wanna bungee jump
i wanna go to germany
i wanna buy a house
i wanna have a lab(rador)
i wanna learn how to cook (properly)
i wanna go somewhere alone - for a holiday
and many more things too real & personal for the blog ...
unformed / unshaped / blind desires which Im still trying to shape and lead
u just have this vague feeling that ur headed for somewhere bigtime
but u dont know where or how ur gonna get there ...
sometimes I wonder how I survived so far ... and remained sane!
sane ... what sane! who sane! how sane ... r u insane!!!
ab bas bahut ho gaya ... come back for a bit now lady luck ... pretty pls
what am I gonna do? life is so ... stuck!
everybody needs some body to love
everybody wants some body to love
u better find some body to love
but its hard to find some body to love ...
life is so confusing ... whats real whats not ... whats dirty whats fun ... whats achievement - whats just a gamescore
im so ... atka ... Im not getting anywhere - ive become so old ... how long will I go one like this! I realised with a shock that day ... its been 6 years now - and I havent even started! Im not even moving! SIX F YEARS! i gotto rush. i gotto make things happen. somehow. anyhow. dunno ... "kya kya na socha tha maine ... kya kya na sapne sajaaye ..." kuchh nehi ho raha hai! arre ho ga ho ga bachhi ... be patient - one step at a time ... like baba says - life is a long distance race - he who lasts the longest wins ... gotto hang on in there ... khaali sapne dekhne se koi aaj tak bara aadmi nehi bana ... kaam karo ... mehnat karo ... himmat karo ... papaar belo ... ;)
i wanna learn how to play the violin.
i wanna bungee jump
i wanna go to germany
i wanna buy a house
i wanna have a lab(rador)
i wanna learn how to cook (properly)
i wanna go somewhere alone - for a holiday
and many more things too real & personal for the blog ...
unformed / unshaped / blind desires which Im still trying to shape and lead
u just have this vague feeling that ur headed for somewhere bigtime
but u dont know where or how ur gonna get there ...
chameli
I saw Chameli
Got hold of the DVD out of sheer luck
Ek dum naya ... bole toh ;)
Iit was pretty nice
I liked it ...
Im disgusted so many people around though
such foolishness ...
such meanness ...
Just waiting for the mega-tamasha to get over to go into hibernation
like the mole ... theres only so much of company I can take
people have such a knack for being dissapointing
but then thats only when you xpect stuff from them ...
if you treat it all like a variety entertainment show its fun to watch
yeah - Im in a mean and bitchy mood!
and I saw Munna bhai MBBS too ... it was great time pass value ... actually I saw only the first half & I walked out after that. And on Sunday I saw "along came polly"
Got hold of the DVD out of sheer luck
Ek dum naya ... bole toh ;)
Iit was pretty nice
I liked it ...
Im disgusted so many people around though
such foolishness ...
such meanness ...
Just waiting for the mega-tamasha to get over to go into hibernation
like the mole ... theres only so much of company I can take
people have such a knack for being dissapointing
but then thats only when you xpect stuff from them ...
if you treat it all like a variety entertainment show its fun to watch
yeah - Im in a mean and bitchy mood!
and I saw Munna bhai MBBS too ... it was great time pass value ... actually I saw only the first half & I walked out after that. And on Sunday I saw "along came polly"
what is love
what is love ...
does anyone know?
i dont, i guess I never will.
is love feeling the wonderful coolth and sweetly fragrant colors of a wild evening breeze?
and letting it glide through your fingers without ur fingers once shaking a little inane urge to grasp it?
is love seeing a mountain flower without wanting to touch it ... or better still, wanting and still not touching it ...
is love pouring out ur whole soul into one moment of love,
where u feel like ur whole existence quivers & reverbates in resonance?
knowing that the one in who's arms u are melting ur life and soul
will walk out and go on to someone else in the next hour?
smiling at a smile, laughing at a laugh and running restless to soothe the smallest fear ...
or is love when you want to shout till the whole world is drowned out to cinders
and washed away in the flood in second hand pain?
or is love when you want to kill everything that lived bcz the ur love is dying
or is love when u want to burn down whole villages - because the one you loved smiled like that ...
at someone elses charms ...
is love the flame - burning with rage
or is love the lake - calm and silent. smiling. all knowing
or is love the wind. never holding on ...
"Because if love means forever, expecting nothing returned
Then I hope I'll be given another whole lifetime to learn "
does anyone know?
i dont, i guess I never will.
is love feeling the wonderful coolth and sweetly fragrant colors of a wild evening breeze?
and letting it glide through your fingers without ur fingers once shaking a little inane urge to grasp it?
is love seeing a mountain flower without wanting to touch it ... or better still, wanting and still not touching it ...
is love pouring out ur whole soul into one moment of love,
where u feel like ur whole existence quivers & reverbates in resonance?
knowing that the one in who's arms u are melting ur life and soul
will walk out and go on to someone else in the next hour?
smiling at a smile, laughing at a laugh and running restless to soothe the smallest fear ...
or is love when you want to shout till the whole world is drowned out to cinders
and washed away in the flood in second hand pain?
or is love when you want to kill everything that lived bcz the ur love is dying
or is love when u want to burn down whole villages - because the one you loved smiled like that ...
at someone elses charms ...
is love the flame - burning with rage
or is love the lake - calm and silent. smiling. all knowing
or is love the wind. never holding on ...
"Because if love means forever, expecting nothing returned
Then I hope I'll be given another whole lifetime to learn "
walking on air
have you ever dreamed of walking through a sea
thats what the sky looked like today
a vast swirling white sea of mist
and I found myself time and again
drawn to the vast wide walls of glass
and stepping through and walking out into it
I wanna walking on air, again. i wanna fly on a voice, again.
i wanna melt of the window and drip and dissolve
into the big living throbbing mass cerrulean and white, again
Im listening to ...
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I’d rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do
I’m only just beginning
To see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
Romance and all it’s strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I’m just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth
At times I’d like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I’d like to break through
And hold you endlessly
At times I understand you
And I know how hard you try
I watched while love commands you
And I’ve watched love pass you by
At times I think we’re drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again
sometimes when we touch, Rod-Stewart
thats what the sky looked like today
a vast swirling white sea of mist
and I found myself time and again
drawn to the vast wide walls of glass
and stepping through and walking out into it
I wanna walking on air, again. i wanna fly on a voice, again.
i wanna melt of the window and drip and dissolve
into the big living throbbing mass cerrulean and white, again
Im listening to ...
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I’d rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do
I’m only just beginning
To see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
Romance and all it’s strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I’m just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth
At times I’d like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I’d like to break through
And hold you endlessly
At times I understand you
And I know how hard you try
I watched while love commands you
And I’ve watched love pass you by
At times I think we’re drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again
sometimes when we touch, Rod-Stewart
"Perchance a moonbeam waltzed this way, not so long ago"
Im bored. Its 11:53
and my eyes are tired looking out for moonbeams
that are dimmed out of vision by the bright glare of everyday :)
theres a strange feeling of restlessness
waiting for the inevitable
if uve stared at the gun long enough it hypnotises you
and u walk into the bullet in rapture ... like the thornbirds
"to die, would be an awfully big adventure"
i saw the faeri dance in peter pan - and left a part of me behind in that moment
it was enchanting. i want to see the movie again. and again. and again ...
the faeri dance reminded me of train journeys as a child - looking out of the window
and all teh land and the sky dissolved in one mysterious dark void
with little twinkling lights above and below ... faeri-dance ...
Im bored. Its 11:53
and my eyes are tired looking out for moonbeams
that are dimmed out of vision by the bright glare of everyday :)
theres a strange feeling of restlessness
waiting for the inevitable
if uve stared at the gun long enough it hypnotises you
and u walk into the bullet in rapture ... like the thornbirds
"to die, would be an awfully big adventure"
i saw the faeri dance in peter pan - and left a part of me behind in that moment
it was enchanting. i want to see the movie again. and again. and again ...
the faeri dance reminded me of train journeys as a child - looking out of the window
and all teh land and the sky dissolved in one mysterious dark void
with little twinkling lights above and below ... faeri-dance ...
My Sunday Feeling
my sunday feeling is coming on over me,
now that the night is over.
got to clear my head so i can see.
till i get to put together, that old feeling won't let me be.
won't somebody tell me where i laid my head last night?
i really don't remember,
but with one more cigarette i think i might.
till i get to put together, well that old feeling can't get me right.
need some assistance, have you listened to what i've said?
oh, i don't feel so good.
need someone to help me to my bed
till i get to put together, that old feeling is in my head
My Sunday Feeling, by Jethro Tull
Its a beautiful golden honey spice day
Woke up late and was on the phone with all the nicest people all day
Made (awesome) spagetti last night
Had spagetti & wine & watched "truth about cats and dogs" ... home alone never got better than this
I finally saw the whole of peter pan
it was always one of my favourite stories and i knew most of the dialogues by heart
so it must have been a pain to watch it with me
but jeremy sumpter & rachel hurd-wood were brilliant!
they are both so young (14 and 13 respectively) and they were so good!
it was enchanting!
now that the night is over.
got to clear my head so i can see.
till i get to put together, that old feeling won't let me be.
won't somebody tell me where i laid my head last night?
i really don't remember,
but with one more cigarette i think i might.
till i get to put together, well that old feeling can't get me right.
need some assistance, have you listened to what i've said?
oh, i don't feel so good.
need someone to help me to my bed
till i get to put together, that old feeling is in my head
My Sunday Feeling, by Jethro Tull
Its a beautiful golden honey spice day
Woke up late and was on the phone with all the nicest people all day
Made (awesome) spagetti last night
Had spagetti & wine & watched "truth about cats and dogs" ... home alone never got better than this
I finally saw the whole of peter pan
it was always one of my favourite stories and i knew most of the dialogues by heart
so it must have been a pain to watch it with me
but jeremy sumpter & rachel hurd-wood were brilliant!
they are both so young (14 and 13 respectively) and they were so good!
it was enchanting!
for star
the First friend I made on the blog
suddenly i hardly talk to her any more
her preferred medium of contact is the mail at work
policies at work dont let me do that too much anymore
my preferred medium of contact is the phone and after 9 CST
star stays at home and i dont think its cool for her to be on the phone that late
i miss her and her unique style :)
i also miss her acid comments and the laughing
and the roses on my blog
aah well ... as the wise one (that me, ofcourse) always says life nehi hai laddoo
but Im writing this post for her bcz she used to get so irritated with the way
I fought with my hair to imprison it when I went to work ...
i left it down today!
not that theres much of it ... but it was fun!!! :))
suddenly i hardly talk to her any more
her preferred medium of contact is the mail at work
policies at work dont let me do that too much anymore
my preferred medium of contact is the phone and after 9 CST
star stays at home and i dont think its cool for her to be on the phone that late
i miss her and her unique style :)
i also miss her acid comments and the laughing
and the roses on my blog
aah well ... as the wise one (that me, ofcourse) always says life nehi hai laddoo
but Im writing this post for her bcz she used to get so irritated with the way
I fought with my hair to imprison it when I went to work ...
i left it down today!
not that theres much of it ... but it was fun!!! :))
i wanna be ...
on the terrace
in the rain
and I wanna blast
I was a midnight rider on a cloud of smoke
I could make a woman hang on every single stroke
I was an iron man I had a master plan
But I was alone
I could hear you breathing with a sigh of the wind
I remember how your body started trembling
Oh what a night it's been, and for the state I'm in
I'm still alone
And all the wonders made for the earth
And all the hearts in all creation
Somehow I always end up alone
Always end up alone, always end up alone
So I'll play, I'll wait
'Cause you know that love takes time
Living love betwen the line
We came (sha la) so close (so far)
Just the beat of a lonely heart
And it's mi-i-ine, and I don't wanna be alone
Well, since I got no message on your answer phone
Since you're busy every minute I just stay at home
I make believe you care, I feel you everywhere
But I'm still alone
I'm on a wheel of fortune with a twist of fate
'Cause I know it isn't heaven is it love or hate
Am I the subject of the pain
Am I the stranger in the rain I am alone
And is there glory there to behold
Maybe it's my imagination another story there to be told
So I play sha la, I'll wait sha la
And I pray it's not too late
We came sha la so far so far
Just a beat of a lonely heart and it's mi-i-ine
And I don't wanna be alone
Gone but not out of sight
I'm caught in the rain and there's no one home
I don't wanna be alone face the heat of the the night
The one that you love's got a heart that's made of stone
You search for the light
And sooner or later you'll be cruising on your ocean
And clean out of sight I'm caught in the rain
And there's no one home"
alone, bee gees
in the rain
and I wanna blast
I was a midnight rider on a cloud of smoke
I could make a woman hang on every single stroke
I was an iron man I had a master plan
But I was alone
I could hear you breathing with a sigh of the wind
I remember how your body started trembling
Oh what a night it's been, and for the state I'm in
I'm still alone
And all the wonders made for the earth
And all the hearts in all creation
Somehow I always end up alone
Always end up alone, always end up alone
So I'll play, I'll wait
'Cause you know that love takes time
Living love betwen the line
We came (sha la) so close (so far)
Just the beat of a lonely heart
And it's mi-i-ine, and I don't wanna be alone
Well, since I got no message on your answer phone
Since you're busy every minute I just stay at home
I make believe you care, I feel you everywhere
But I'm still alone
I'm on a wheel of fortune with a twist of fate
'Cause I know it isn't heaven is it love or hate
Am I the subject of the pain
Am I the stranger in the rain I am alone
And is there glory there to behold
Maybe it's my imagination another story there to be told
So I play sha la, I'll wait sha la
And I pray it's not too late
We came sha la so far so far
Just a beat of a lonely heart and it's mi-i-ine
And I don't wanna be alone
Gone but not out of sight
I'm caught in the rain and there's no one home
I don't wanna be alone face the heat of the the night
The one that you love's got a heart that's made of stone
You search for the light
And sooner or later you'll be cruising on your ocean
And clean out of sight I'm caught in the rain
And there's no one home"
alone, bee gees
the legend of the thornbirds
"There is a legand about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to outcarol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain.... Or so says the legend." The Thornbirds
Im up at 3am reading my own webpages! what can be madder!
but I couldnt sleep - and charecteristically - I found I really liked my own page.
I say charecteristically - bcz I guess I like "me" too :)
Ive recently been asking people ... name 5 things you like best about yourself
I find that almost everyone finds it as hard to answer as I do myself
Im up at 3am reading my own webpages! what can be madder!
but I couldnt sleep - and charecteristically - I found I really liked my own page.
I say charecteristically - bcz I guess I like "me" too :)
Ive recently been asking people ... name 5 things you like best about yourself
I find that almost everyone finds it as hard to answer as I do myself
random notes
I miss - the sun in dubai
the shed behind the house in the veg garden
leo, tupi, bonzo
ma baba mummy munal jinx and sponge cake
i need to talk to someone ... but none of the people who I can talk to about this one forbidden topic are around / accessible and its Killing me
i need jinx - right here - right now
i miss the house ... kolkata / HP ... the roof / my room / the sunflowers / the floor the smell / the feel
i miss my books
but if I go back right now Ill die :)
i miss someone I left behind somewhere along the way - a one particular me ...
the sky, from here, looks like a field of cotton
i want to lose weight so bad
theres something missing ...
i want chocolate cake
i feel like riding a cycle
i need to quit before it kills me
im wearing makeup after months / weeks
im bored
ive no work right now
i wanna have a baby
i wish my hair would grow some
i wanna go to corpus! correction - i wanna drive to corpus
it would be nice to have "someone" ... :D but its not worth the trouble ;)
i dreamt of the omayad hotel in damascus where I stayed so looooooooong ago!!!
i dreamt of turkey too - same dream - we were in that horrible museum - baba left his car keys in the car - we were trying to take it out with the hangar ...
strange! its been so long since these things happened - I was a baby
i didnt even know I remembered - and they are such little insignificant incidents!
i like rahul bose :)
i dont know what I said but i remember saying something ... weird - but cute - and nice ...
like a snap of someone u once liked - or a good time u once had - tuckked away in an inside pocket of ur coat - pulled out and looked at once in a while - a heart smile
you have the warmest voice - its like a warm blanket
the shed behind the house in the veg garden
leo, tupi, bonzo
ma baba mummy munal jinx and sponge cake
i need to talk to someone ... but none of the people who I can talk to about this one forbidden topic are around / accessible and its Killing me
i need jinx - right here - right now
i miss the house ... kolkata / HP ... the roof / my room / the sunflowers / the floor the smell / the feel
i miss my books
but if I go back right now Ill die :)
i miss someone I left behind somewhere along the way - a one particular me ...
the sky, from here, looks like a field of cotton
i want to lose weight so bad
theres something missing ...
i want chocolate cake
i feel like riding a cycle
i need to quit before it kills me
im wearing makeup after months / weeks
im bored
ive no work right now
i wanna have a baby
i wish my hair would grow some
i wanna go to corpus! correction - i wanna drive to corpus
it would be nice to have "someone" ... :D but its not worth the trouble ;)
i dreamt of the omayad hotel in damascus where I stayed so looooooooong ago!!!
i dreamt of turkey too - same dream - we were in that horrible museum - baba left his car keys in the car - we were trying to take it out with the hangar ...
strange! its been so long since these things happened - I was a baby
i didnt even know I remembered - and they are such little insignificant incidents!
i like rahul bose :)
i dont know what I said but i remember saying something ... weird - but cute - and nice ...
like a snap of someone u once liked - or a good time u once had - tuckked away in an inside pocket of ur coat - pulled out and looked at once in a while - a heart smile
you have the warmest voice - its like a warm blanket