I am looking for information on this course: SMFA Boston - Post-Baccalaureate Certificate Program (for Drawing and Painting - or whatever they call it - making pictures, i guess)
Like how good or bad it is, How its different from an Master of Fine Arts, How good the college is, etc?
If anyone who reads this knows about (or knows anyone who knows about) this course, or fine arts courses in general, or SMFA Boston - Post-Baccalaureate programs in the USA ... I would really appreciate it if you got in touch ... :)
And help me understand?
on days like this, thoughts whizz through your head like flies on a caracass. how appropriate. there's so much to say, but how would you say it. so times like these are ghalib times ... rahi na taquat e guftaar, aur agar ho bhi ...
i dont know why my heart still breaks when i think of these kids. very early they learn to keep a safe distance from 'them'. its always 'us' and 'them'. nice normal healthy innocent kids. with sweet memories of childhood. good food, good advice, nice names, birth certificates. how long does it take to get over your childhood? it takes some of these kids forever and a day.
just today someone asked me something that set me trying to pinpoint why and when exactly i miss you most. i used to think its in times like these. who else would know enough, who else would understand. but when i am faced with those kids and their little aching hearts, their stunted bonsai brains, their hopelessly hopeless confusion. (always confusion - yes i think the confusion is the central theme of their bequest). and their hard earned shells. their little aquired greedy, shameless, lustful, selfish ways. their poison. their sweetness. their bitterness. chocolat amer. (i think they were what i had named that ex blog after).
they go round and round in circles. they bang their heads against the walls they are trapped in. they look for friends. tehy want all the worng friends. greedily. the ones they cant have. the ones who will never love them enough. the ones who will never love them their way. maybe you need to be seared like that. branded. marked. maimed, beautiful itricate, complicated bonsai-d, to know feeling like that.
what the f am i writing about? i really dont even know. lol. guess i am really tired and i should crash. another round coming up immediately ...
i dont know why my heart still breaks when i think of these kids. very early they learn to keep a safe distance from 'them'. its always 'us' and 'them'. nice normal healthy innocent kids. with sweet memories of childhood. good food, good advice, nice names, birth certificates. how long does it take to get over your childhood? it takes some of these kids forever and a day.
just today someone asked me something that set me trying to pinpoint why and when exactly i miss you most. i used to think its in times like these. who else would know enough, who else would understand. but when i am faced with those kids and their little aching hearts, their stunted bonsai brains, their hopelessly hopeless confusion. (always confusion - yes i think the confusion is the central theme of their bequest). and their hard earned shells. their little aquired greedy, shameless, lustful, selfish ways. their poison. their sweetness. their bitterness. chocolat amer. (i think they were what i had named that ex blog after).
they go round and round in circles. they bang their heads against the walls they are trapped in. they look for friends. tehy want all the worng friends. greedily. the ones they cant have. the ones who will never love them enough. the ones who will never love them their way. maybe you need to be seared like that. branded. marked. maimed, beautiful itricate, complicated bonsai-d, to know feeling like that.
what the f am i writing about? i really dont even know. lol. guess i am really tired and i should crash. another round coming up immediately ...
Top 5 Time Again: Top Five Songs you have ever identified with
... if you would like to play along, leave your Top 5 in the comments :)
1) I'm Easy. Keith C.
This is my favourite song (specially at the moment! :)). If you havent heard it, please do go to here and check it out) :)
SONG
LYRICS
2) Sometimes when we touch. Dan Hill
I fell in love with this song in school (lucknow socials - dia kaur and anjali utthup i think were singing it in lawrence hall. But I maybe wrong - it was a long time ago. Has always stayed in my head, though.
SONG
LYRICS
3) Knife. Rockwell
SONG: This is the Closest I could come/find to an online version!
LYRICS
4) Another Lonely Day. Ben Harper (or was it Hunters and Collectors?)
SONG
LYRICS
5) Desparado. The Eagles
SONG
LYRICS
Runner UpS :)
1) You and I. The Scorpions
One of my favourite - EST songs :) Corny but ...
LYRICS)
SONG
2) Rockabye. Shawn Mullins (I think)
LYRICS
3) Send in The Clowns
Huge all time favourite of mine :)
LYRICS
4)Whats love got to do with it. Tina Turner
Old favourite from school days. It always makes me smile :)
SONG
LYRICS
5) For All We Know
One of those early first songs you here your parents playing grow to love too
Incidentally, 'their song' (there's a kind of hush) also is one of my favourites ...
LYRICS
6) The Way We WereLYRICS
And I loved the movie ...
7) Unforgiven. Metallica
LYRICS
8) I wanna hold your hand. The Beatles
9) Silent in the Morning. Phish
10) Be my Baby. I dont remember who it was by ... :)
Next list coming up soon: Top 5 Beatles Songs (Maybe 'Because', 'Something', 'Here comes the Sun', 'Love love me do' ... ??? Dunno, this one's even harder to pick a top 5 from :D)
1) I'm Easy. Keith C.
This is my favourite song (specially at the moment! :)). If you havent heard it, please do go to here and check it out) :)
SONG
LYRICS
2) Sometimes when we touch. Dan Hill
I fell in love with this song in school (lucknow socials - dia kaur and anjali utthup i think were singing it in lawrence hall. But I maybe wrong - it was a long time ago. Has always stayed in my head, though.
SONG
LYRICS
3) Knife. Rockwell
SONG: This is the Closest I could come/find to an online version!
LYRICS
4) Another Lonely Day. Ben Harper (or was it Hunters and Collectors?)
SONG
LYRICS
5) Desparado. The Eagles
SONG
LYRICS
Runner UpS :)
1) You and I. The Scorpions
One of my favourite - EST songs :) Corny but ...
LYRICS)
SONG
2) Rockabye. Shawn Mullins (I think)
LYRICS
3) Send in The Clowns
Huge all time favourite of mine :)
LYRICS
4)Whats love got to do with it. Tina Turner
Old favourite from school days. It always makes me smile :)
SONG
LYRICS
5) For All We Know
One of those early first songs you here your parents playing grow to love too
Incidentally, 'their song' (there's a kind of hush) also is one of my favourites ...
LYRICS
6) The Way We WereLYRICS
And I loved the movie ...
7) Unforgiven. Metallica
LYRICS
8) I wanna hold your hand. The Beatles
9) Silent in the Morning. Phish
10) Be my Baby. I dont remember who it was by ... :)
Next list coming up soon: Top 5 Beatles Songs (Maybe 'Because', 'Something', 'Here comes the Sun', 'Love love me do' ... ??? Dunno, this one's even harder to pick a top 5 from :D)
word master WIP
to be completed ...
this time, its not about the words
this time the emotions
just come flood
lash at tightly shut teeth and fists and eyes
and rage and storm and whisper and tease
then give up and go away again
this time feelings are not caught, trapped, teased, taunted
and each wrenched to the very last syllable
this time, its not about the words brought
this time i am june.
trapped.
and here's my dostevsky
this time ur both cruel and soft,
like him, like her. and the banker.
this time, must pass soon
its good that u leave
or this time might be strong enough
to push me past the edge where i live
heartbreak, i have dealt with
i'll know how to handle that
just go. take the confusion
the swirl of hope and despair
this time, its not about the words
this time the emotions
just come flood
lash at tightly shut teeth and fists and eyes
and rage and storm and whisper and tease
then give up and go away again
this time feelings are not caught, trapped, teased, taunted
and each wrenched to the very last syllable
this time, its not about the words brought
this time i am june.
trapped.
and here's my dostevsky
this time ur both cruel and soft,
like him, like her. and the banker.
this time, must pass soon
its good that u leave
or this time might be strong enough
to push me past the edge where i live
heartbreak, i have dealt with
i'll know how to handle that
just go. take the confusion
the swirl of hope and despair
Outline
OUTLINE
Priya is a 21 year old girl, in her final year of college. She from an ordinary middle class indian family. bengali. the kinds who have stray relatives here and there who are highly educated and well placed and stray ancestors who were big names, but the family itself is very ordinary. Dad is very typical - hard working humble - doesnt think too much or expect too much from life. Mom is quiet in way of someone who was very colourful and had big dreams but gave in to what life offered her and shut up about what she had wanted. Priya has a brother, Nirmal. He is younger to her and stays away from home most of the day job hunting. He is frustrated and a little bitter.
She is attractive and looks very striking now and then, but she is not really pretty or beautiful.
One day she is coming home from somewhere and a group of local boys lounging around in front of a semi-deserted park passes a comment as she walks by. She recognises one of them as Rahul, someone who she knows vaguely through their families. he is a nice boy from a decent family and she wonders what he is doing with this crowd. She hurries past and is irritated but then forgets about it. She tells her mom about it, not expecting her to repeat it to the rest of the family, but she hadnt really thought abt it one way or the other. However, the mom brings it up after dinner. The dad expresses concrns. Brother passes a sarcastic comment (implying) questioning her part in the whole incident.
Some time passes
One afternoon this same group of guys, or some of them, has had a lot to drink and are a bit out of control. One of them, Rahul, more so than the rest. They get into a mood of playful betting and as they are drunk and young and excited, high on the alchohol and on life, the stakes get higher and higher. One of them starts talking about girls and they start boasting about things they have done or would dare to do. It snowballs. Someone dares Rahul to make out with a girl. At that moment Priya passes by and they pin on her. By this time they barely know what they are doing and Rahul follows Priya till the park and rapes her there. Afterwards she faints.
When she comes to it's evening. She is initially just under shock. Somehow she drags herself home. Her mom is the first to see her and their is some drama which echo's the earlier incident, scaled up. However, her parents are completely sympathetic, but it never strikes them to go to the police about it or do anything but try to hush it up. They cant even imagine it. It doesnt even strike them.
Slowly a few people come to know. People come over and ask questions, some are plain curious, some are like her brother, some genuinely sympathetic. Priya is in shock. Numb. Part of her listens to all the conversations around her. Rest of her is blank, with occasional flashes of the incident coming back to haunt her. When these happen she just quickly shuts off all thought to survive the intensity of the pain.
One lady comes over (there is some intro to her before). She is a para-didi. Single. 35. Very well educated. People admire her achievements yet look at her kind of like she were a strange being - they cant understand the difference betw themselves and her. This lady is v kind to Priya and Priya peeps out a little from the shell of numbness she has woven around her mind. The lady asks Priya to go to the police. She stills Priya's immediate panic at the suggestion and explains how this could have happened to someone else if Priya doesnt take action. Priya is just beginning to think about it when her mom hears whats going on and comes over. Mom is shocked at the sugestion in her gentle way and says no way - explains nicely that we - our kind of family - cant afford to do that sort of thing - who will marry her - etc. Priya had been about to come out of her shell but sort of just draws back in bcz coming partway out was too much of an effort.
She just hangs around the house all day doing nothing. brother passes sarcastic comments. parents are worried and disturbed and have discussions. They encourage her to try and get back to normal life. She goes to college one day, but she feels like evryone is looking at her. Her brothers voice (and some other people who were shown when the visitors - types - categories) comes to her mind and so does flashes of the rape. She freaks and runs away.
She doesnt know where she is going but when she stops she is at the park. She sits in the same place she found herself when she woke up and cries. Rahul comes by. She runs away.
Rahul, is a 'good' boy from a 'decent' family who got carried away and made a really stupid mistake. He is torn by remorse and just cant get over it. His family knows and they are very devastated and dissapointed in him, and also worried about the legal implications. His mom at some level is just disgusted and treats him like there was some animal hidden in him all along and she mistook him as someone she could love as her own son ... as if all those years of loving him were a mistake. his dad is not talking to him but he is more angry about the practical point of view and about their social standing position. they also feel genuinely bad for the girl, but they are more overwhelmingly taken up by the whole fact that it was their son that did this. diff reactions. Mixed feelings. Rahul, however, is not angry or bothered, he hates himself - as if he did it on a high and when he woke up it was done. He just cant believe what he has done. He wants to apologise but how do you apologise for something so big? everytime he tries he loses the nerve. Instead he ends up haunting the park where it happened ... like poking a healing scab, trying to hold on to the pain in its bitter sweet stage. (he is enjoying his agony? scale? big-ness +ve or -ve of things having happened to him in life?)
Priya discovers she is pregnant. Before she can even digest the info her parents find out. All hell breaks lose. She is still half numb.
She thinks about it a lot and she realises / or feels that there is only one way out. She doesnt want an abortion bcz its her baby, however it was conceived. She wants to keep the baby. Coming from the background she does, no one will marry her with and baby and she cant have the baby and keep it on her own. She hasnt even finished college. She has to marry if she wants to keep the baby and the only who will or could be or should be made to marry her is Rahul.
Maybe at some level she senes Rahul is basically good, and is now remorseful. She realises he comes to the park often (how?) and she goes there one day to wait for him, without telling anyone at home.
As Rahul approaches the park, he see's Priya. This time he is the one who is surprised and is about to immediately turn and walk away, but she call him. He's even more surprised and he walks over to her. For a while no one says anything. Then he tries to apologise (what will he say?). Priya stops him and says she is pregnant. She doesnt want to drop the baby, she says. He doesnt know what to say. She forgives him and understands that it was a mistake on his part and he is repentant. He understands how she is feeling. They both know there's not much they can do about the past and that the grief it has already caused, created: like an entity, like the baby, will not go away, atleast not for a long time and noone other than them will really understand. They sit there quietly for a while just sharing that grief wordlessly. Then he says he will get a job and they can get married. She says something trivial / practical about marraige and the future. And it closes there
Priya is a 21 year old girl, in her final year of college. She from an ordinary middle class indian family. bengali. the kinds who have stray relatives here and there who are highly educated and well placed and stray ancestors who were big names, but the family itself is very ordinary. Dad is very typical - hard working humble - doesnt think too much or expect too much from life. Mom is quiet in way of someone who was very colourful and had big dreams but gave in to what life offered her and shut up about what she had wanted. Priya has a brother, Nirmal. He is younger to her and stays away from home most of the day job hunting. He is frustrated and a little bitter.
She is attractive and looks very striking now and then, but she is not really pretty or beautiful.
One day she is coming home from somewhere and a group of local boys lounging around in front of a semi-deserted park passes a comment as she walks by. She recognises one of them as Rahul, someone who she knows vaguely through their families. he is a nice boy from a decent family and she wonders what he is doing with this crowd. She hurries past and is irritated but then forgets about it. She tells her mom about it, not expecting her to repeat it to the rest of the family, but she hadnt really thought abt it one way or the other. However, the mom brings it up after dinner. The dad expresses concrns. Brother passes a sarcastic comment (implying) questioning her part in the whole incident.
Some time passes
One afternoon this same group of guys, or some of them, has had a lot to drink and are a bit out of control. One of them, Rahul, more so than the rest. They get into a mood of playful betting and as they are drunk and young and excited, high on the alchohol and on life, the stakes get higher and higher. One of them starts talking about girls and they start boasting about things they have done or would dare to do. It snowballs. Someone dares Rahul to make out with a girl. At that moment Priya passes by and they pin on her. By this time they barely know what they are doing and Rahul follows Priya till the park and rapes her there. Afterwards she faints.
When she comes to it's evening. She is initially just under shock. Somehow she drags herself home. Her mom is the first to see her and their is some drama which echo's the earlier incident, scaled up. However, her parents are completely sympathetic, but it never strikes them to go to the police about it or do anything but try to hush it up. They cant even imagine it. It doesnt even strike them.
Slowly a few people come to know. People come over and ask questions, some are plain curious, some are like her brother, some genuinely sympathetic. Priya is in shock. Numb. Part of her listens to all the conversations around her. Rest of her is blank, with occasional flashes of the incident coming back to haunt her. When these happen she just quickly shuts off all thought to survive the intensity of the pain.
One lady comes over (there is some intro to her before). She is a para-didi. Single. 35. Very well educated. People admire her achievements yet look at her kind of like she were a strange being - they cant understand the difference betw themselves and her. This lady is v kind to Priya and Priya peeps out a little from the shell of numbness she has woven around her mind. The lady asks Priya to go to the police. She stills Priya's immediate panic at the suggestion and explains how this could have happened to someone else if Priya doesnt take action. Priya is just beginning to think about it when her mom hears whats going on and comes over. Mom is shocked at the sugestion in her gentle way and says no way - explains nicely that we - our kind of family - cant afford to do that sort of thing - who will marry her - etc. Priya had been about to come out of her shell but sort of just draws back in bcz coming partway out was too much of an effort.
She just hangs around the house all day doing nothing. brother passes sarcastic comments. parents are worried and disturbed and have discussions. They encourage her to try and get back to normal life. She goes to college one day, but she feels like evryone is looking at her. Her brothers voice (and some other people who were shown when the visitors - types - categories) comes to her mind and so does flashes of the rape. She freaks and runs away.
She doesnt know where she is going but when she stops she is at the park. She sits in the same place she found herself when she woke up and cries. Rahul comes by. She runs away.
Rahul, is a 'good' boy from a 'decent' family who got carried away and made a really stupid mistake. He is torn by remorse and just cant get over it. His family knows and they are very devastated and dissapointed in him, and also worried about the legal implications. His mom at some level is just disgusted and treats him like there was some animal hidden in him all along and she mistook him as someone she could love as her own son ... as if all those years of loving him were a mistake. his dad is not talking to him but he is more angry about the practical point of view and about their social standing position. they also feel genuinely bad for the girl, but they are more overwhelmingly taken up by the whole fact that it was their son that did this. diff reactions. Mixed feelings. Rahul, however, is not angry or bothered, he hates himself - as if he did it on a high and when he woke up it was done. He just cant believe what he has done. He wants to apologise but how do you apologise for something so big? everytime he tries he loses the nerve. Instead he ends up haunting the park where it happened ... like poking a healing scab, trying to hold on to the pain in its bitter sweet stage. (he is enjoying his agony? scale? big-ness +ve or -ve of things having happened to him in life?)
Priya discovers she is pregnant. Before she can even digest the info her parents find out. All hell breaks lose. She is still half numb.
She thinks about it a lot and she realises / or feels that there is only one way out. She doesnt want an abortion bcz its her baby, however it was conceived. She wants to keep the baby. Coming from the background she does, no one will marry her with and baby and she cant have the baby and keep it on her own. She hasnt even finished college. She has to marry if she wants to keep the baby and the only who will or could be or should be made to marry her is Rahul.
Maybe at some level she senes Rahul is basically good, and is now remorseful. She realises he comes to the park often (how?) and she goes there one day to wait for him, without telling anyone at home.
As Rahul approaches the park, he see's Priya. This time he is the one who is surprised and is about to immediately turn and walk away, but she call him. He's even more surprised and he walks over to her. For a while no one says anything. Then he tries to apologise (what will he say?). Priya stops him and says she is pregnant. She doesnt want to drop the baby, she says. He doesnt know what to say. She forgives him and understands that it was a mistake on his part and he is repentant. He understands how she is feeling. They both know there's not much they can do about the past and that the grief it has already caused, created: like an entity, like the baby, will not go away, atleast not for a long time and noone other than them will really understand. They sit there quietly for a while just sharing that grief wordlessly. Then he says he will get a job and they can get married. She says something trivial / practical about marraige and the future. And it closes there
Dolly (Part 2)
This just a brain dump - for the next part of a story I have been working on for a while. Its the story of a man who's daughter dies, and he always feels like he killed her, due to circumstances. One day when I have time, I will tidy it up and join it all together :)
This is the the part I wrote earlier, which comes further down in the story:
Then End
I.
the older i get,
with every passing day,
the more i skip back to my beginnings
there is a new determination
to be oblivious to forces from outside
stupid and pointless and dark
i want to live, more every day i progress towars the end of life
the more i recognise its inevitability
i could never do it
i love it to much
everyday, in all its madness and boredom or excitement
is dear and fun
and also, to do the things i want to
fill what remains with the best fruits of life
i like to laze on sunny afternoons
watch sun patterns on a stony ground
cloud shadows on rolling meadows
gulls with the sun on their wings
sunlight glinting on the water
i dont know or know that i belive in love
but there is this strange sense of wholeness
and peace, on everyday in the sun
like life has just begun
this too will pass
and soon
but i will not think about it today
tomorrow is another day
II.
and part of me looks over my shoulder
the road, thank god, almost untouched
lonely, rocky, full of falls, and hard
and the beginning ...
clean, untouched, fearless
only full of questions
and chatter and words and laughter
and sunshine
eternal sunshine ...
short lived
but safe
then the fall of the mighty empire
and the people of the refuge, shipped back to their origins
exciting, beuatiful, tropical, cruel, harsh
self absorbed
en-missioned
or so it then seemed
whispered, half guilty confidences
about the ways of the world
and secret indiscretions
analytical comparisms
and first hand demos
a whole new world of pagan excess
every kind and direction explored
in the first decade or two of life,
i still found them amazing and perplexing ...
so new, so different
a whole new world
and then there are so many dimensions to the latch key world ...
yet, in a way, we grew in the same garden
our first impressions and lessons, came from the same school
quaint, adventurous, 'different', but clean, wholesome, loving
then how did we turn out so different?
is it the seeds that matter? hers first hand, mine second ...
in the twisted of my lot
first came the artificial
then the real
first true and logical, then crazy and unpredictable
first kind, then harsh
unlike my role model, the little princess
i floundered for so long ...
so in my turn i tried to save the next edition
pack, isolate, separate
but its hard
the wild and the dark world has a beautiful face
and a fatal attraction
or maybe the dark stranger was right
the fatal flaw is in encoded in the seed
now we must decide ...
is it vital or fatal, to pass the baton on
is the madness in the hands of the he who last carries it,
in which case, we could work to wipe it clean,
or is it in the burning torch
which then, must be safely extinguished, destroyed, and the world made a better place
This is the the part I wrote earlier, which comes further down in the story:
Then End
I.
the older i get,
with every passing day,
the more i skip back to my beginnings
there is a new determination
to be oblivious to forces from outside
stupid and pointless and dark
i want to live, more every day i progress towars the end of life
the more i recognise its inevitability
i could never do it
i love it to much
everyday, in all its madness and boredom or excitement
is dear and fun
and also, to do the things i want to
fill what remains with the best fruits of life
i like to laze on sunny afternoons
watch sun patterns on a stony ground
cloud shadows on rolling meadows
gulls with the sun on their wings
sunlight glinting on the water
i dont know or know that i belive in love
but there is this strange sense of wholeness
and peace, on everyday in the sun
like life has just begun
this too will pass
and soon
but i will not think about it today
tomorrow is another day
II.
and part of me looks over my shoulder
the road, thank god, almost untouched
lonely, rocky, full of falls, and hard
and the beginning ...
clean, untouched, fearless
only full of questions
and chatter and words and laughter
and sunshine
eternal sunshine ...
short lived
but safe
then the fall of the mighty empire
and the people of the refuge, shipped back to their origins
exciting, beuatiful, tropical, cruel, harsh
self absorbed
en-missioned
or so it then seemed
whispered, half guilty confidences
about the ways of the world
and secret indiscretions
analytical comparisms
and first hand demos
a whole new world of pagan excess
every kind and direction explored
in the first decade or two of life,
i still found them amazing and perplexing ...
so new, so different
a whole new world
and then there are so many dimensions to the latch key world ...
yet, in a way, we grew in the same garden
our first impressions and lessons, came from the same school
quaint, adventurous, 'different', but clean, wholesome, loving
then how did we turn out so different?
is it the seeds that matter? hers first hand, mine second ...
in the twisted of my lot
first came the artificial
then the real
first true and logical, then crazy and unpredictable
first kind, then harsh
unlike my role model, the little princess
i floundered for so long ...
so in my turn i tried to save the next edition
pack, isolate, separate
but its hard
the wild and the dark world has a beautiful face
and a fatal attraction
or maybe the dark stranger was right
the fatal flaw is in encoded in the seed
now we must decide ...
is it vital or fatal, to pass the baton on
is the madness in the hands of the he who last carries it,
in which case, we could work to wipe it clean,
or is it in the burning torch
which then, must be safely extinguished, destroyed, and the world made a better place
"Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared
with our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that it
is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate."
Funny what sticks and stays in your head
Sometimes when I close my eyes I can relive all those moments ...
The sounds, the smells, the taste in my mouth, the feel of the ground under my feet
And her voice like thunder: are you ashamed of yourself
most of the times, i am :)
when it comes to screwing up - nobody does it better. i always thought that like one of those neo-arty movies, life will make sense in the end, when the pieces all fit together with a bang. and it does. it was never ur fault. or anybody elses. sometimes life is just a patchwork of different prototypes, different fairy tales. i had the ending wrong. there is no swan-turning. she was right - some people are just as dumb as they are ugly (funny how even when she said 'you are so nice' she made you feel like she was saying 'ur so dumb'). and ofcourse u dont forget even in 20 odd years hearing how stupid you are and how you would fall for any story. specially when you know its true. bah. it's bollocks. maybe everything that happens happens for a reason. trying random combinations, you will come up with a few bad designs. you should shelve them seperately and not put them in the stack for propogation. its for the best.
poor thorns. poor ducklings. poor stupid people.
with our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that it
is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate."
Funny what sticks and stays in your head
Sometimes when I close my eyes I can relive all those moments ...
The sounds, the smells, the taste in my mouth, the feel of the ground under my feet
And her voice like thunder: are you ashamed of yourself
most of the times, i am :)
when it comes to screwing up - nobody does it better. i always thought that like one of those neo-arty movies, life will make sense in the end, when the pieces all fit together with a bang. and it does. it was never ur fault. or anybody elses. sometimes life is just a patchwork of different prototypes, different fairy tales. i had the ending wrong. there is no swan-turning. she was right - some people are just as dumb as they are ugly (funny how even when she said 'you are so nice' she made you feel like she was saying 'ur so dumb'). and ofcourse u dont forget even in 20 odd years hearing how stupid you are and how you would fall for any story. specially when you know its true. bah. it's bollocks. maybe everything that happens happens for a reason. trying random combinations, you will come up with a few bad designs. you should shelve them seperately and not put them in the stack for propogation. its for the best.
poor thorns. poor ducklings. poor stupid people.
mist
missing steppenwolf (for mad men only) and aurangzeb at his father's bier (murdered voices beckon me?). and one scene from 4 weddings. After all these years, it still feels strange to be away from home just for this
not to be able to look up my books and movies when the itch strikes ;)
so maybe, this is what i miss ...
only madcap could help now
only madcap could do anything
make the air all around misty and dim
to let me see you once again
ofcourse, in the morning i myself would say
there are models of how it could happen this way
but in the moonlight, the moon you loved
i can close my eyes and dream of you again
madcap could help, madcap could help
madcap could make my dead walk again
somewhere inside pandora's box
your face, your voice, your touch your love
lost in a attic full of dust
madcap could bring you out again
and you were so beautiful
you skin albaster and pink, your eyes brown and grey
your eyes that loved so sincerely
that wed the eyes in the photograph that i burnt
you said they were heartbreakingly innocent
crumbling deceptive innocence that atlast fell that day
your ankles were so thing and delicate
speckled brown, turn charcoal grey
first thing i saw when i moved the red curtain
and took you out of the pot
i crushed you in my hands, once again
and shattered and scattered you away
to the bed of your gods,
to travel like you loved
maybe if i had sold them some more of soul
maybe prawns, maybe a road, maybe cities ...
maybe if i had negotiated better
we would still be together
but the bridge between us was so long and frail
roots to branches to leaves
now fall comes and leaves die dry drift away
only branches sway, over dead roots, giving away
i have made a treaty with the winds ...
they'll count my cost, but take the flower away
they'll count our costs,
the flower safe
you never saw how pretty it was
maybe it was too far away
so now they say its the only way
there's no tomorrow after today
but madcap doesnt come when called
you stand there calling, waiting till dawn
bereft, tear-dry, maddeningly sane
if at all, this be sane!
not to be able to look up my books and movies when the itch strikes ;)
so maybe, this is what i miss ...
only madcap could help now
only madcap could do anything
make the air all around misty and dim
to let me see you once again
ofcourse, in the morning i myself would say
there are models of how it could happen this way
but in the moonlight, the moon you loved
i can close my eyes and dream of you again
madcap could help, madcap could help
madcap could make my dead walk again
somewhere inside pandora's box
your face, your voice, your touch your love
lost in a attic full of dust
madcap could bring you out again
and you were so beautiful
you skin albaster and pink, your eyes brown and grey
your eyes that loved so sincerely
that wed the eyes in the photograph that i burnt
you said they were heartbreakingly innocent
crumbling deceptive innocence that atlast fell that day
your ankles were so thing and delicate
speckled brown, turn charcoal grey
first thing i saw when i moved the red curtain
and took you out of the pot
i crushed you in my hands, once again
and shattered and scattered you away
to the bed of your gods,
to travel like you loved
maybe if i had sold them some more of soul
maybe prawns, maybe a road, maybe cities ...
maybe if i had negotiated better
we would still be together
but the bridge between us was so long and frail
roots to branches to leaves
now fall comes and leaves die dry drift away
only branches sway, over dead roots, giving away
i have made a treaty with the winds ...
they'll count my cost, but take the flower away
they'll count our costs,
the flower safe
you never saw how pretty it was
maybe it was too far away
so now they say its the only way
there's no tomorrow after today
but madcap doesnt come when called
you stand there calling, waiting till dawn
bereft, tear-dry, maddeningly sane
if at all, this be sane!
the park on a sunny saturday afternoon
its late on a saturday afternoon. the sun is out and there are multicoloured children and dogs everywhere. everyone is happy and playful and contented. every now and then a new kind of bird comes along and hops around, before it flies away again. overhead the trees wave filigree fans in the soft breeze. the grass is dotted with little flowers. the sun is bright and beautiful, and just right. the sky that it bears the sun is soft and blue and bright and everything is perfection. if there are clouds, they are so far, that you cant really see.
so i sit here in this beautiful corner of the park, watching the strange sunlight fall all around me. like pan the mad god, he changes and moves with every minute. the light tumbles down, on the grass, in the tree's, on the hills. its easy to feel like it will stay, like the sun itself is falling. but the sun never falls, really. nor stays in one place forever. however beautiful the place is. after a few glorious days of sunshine, its easy to fall in love with the warmth; to resentfully miss it, when it moves, yet again. the park corner gets a shade colder and darker. and a little lonelier, even with the hordes of smiling friendly people.
there's nothing to say really, when you dont want to give it away. everything general, oblique and carefully cryptically secretly profound, has been said already. keeping secrets tires me. what if we just told the truth? maybe we could if we knew it ... today, i miss you both. one who is far away and one who is so distant. i dont know what i would do with it if the distance melted, but i for now, i miss it.
the movie last night had a reference to "follow your bliss". obedient to the recalled instructions, i close my eyes and remember my last 'bliss', but resurface with a random one. it was a while ago, walking in old lanes, very near here, back warm with the sun. thinking nothing really, but nice thoughts cushioning the moment, somewhere around in the head.
this line from 'in the mood for love' stayed with me. 'we will not be like them'; and like good resident lines, it keeps coming back in different contexts. i dont want to be like them. i dont want to mourn the most glorious thing i ever felt, to complain, find faults, bargain, measure and cry over. i am happy with having found one source for all things bright and beautiful. you would be happy with what you get, if you expected nothing.
yet the irony that underlies all things makes a sharp edge to tread the walk of life on. however vaguely friendly and lukewarmly impersonally the sun shines down on you, its nice to have it within your horizon somewhere, even when it is not in your eye. when it goes away, carried by the wind, the moon, even if there is no rain, dews a slight coat of moist down on the world, which slowly over time freezes to frost. but another tomorrow, there will be another day, with the same sun, till such time that time and change dont take it away. i am glad i know that, for me, this is the final destination, the one. or so it seems for now. it feels good to be back home in edinburgh.
i used to love this song. i think it was written by dylan (not dylan thomas, whoever he was), but i'm not sure. i first heard it in 'hope floats'. this is an awful version, but the only one i found online!
fool for you
any other fool would know
i'm fool for loving you
any other fool could see
but not the fool thats me
if only we could love where loved
so much love lays wasted
why weave these long chains of fancies
each equally unrequited
i'm fool for loving you
any other fool could see
but not the fool thats me
if only we could love where loved
so much love lays wasted
why weave these long chains of fancies
each equally unrequited
time
like butterflies
words and feelings
float about
in the semi dark neon ness
uncatchable
invisible
except, for a blur
suddenly you realise
something small
has been woven into you
a fleeting feeling
that could have been but a dream
that you will never know
if you imagined
will wake you restless in the night
your heart full of fear and longing
seeing you,
could not have come better timed
and yet fear swells with anxiety
what will tomorrow bring?
what will the years unfold?
something small
has been woven into me ...
it will forever float about me
like a shroud
of a faintly undiscernible
smell
or a memory
or a flower
or a shroud
which is it to be?
what will time unfold?
words and feelings
float about
in the semi dark neon ness
uncatchable
invisible
except, for a blur
suddenly you realise
something small
has been woven into you
a fleeting feeling
that could have been but a dream
that you will never know
if you imagined
will wake you restless in the night
your heart full of fear and longing
seeing you,
could not have come better timed
and yet fear swells with anxiety
what will tomorrow bring?
what will the years unfold?
something small
has been woven into me ...
it will forever float about me
like a shroud
of a faintly undiscernible
smell
or a memory
or a flower
or a shroud
which is it to be?
what will time unfold?
thorns
when is too much too much
time decides it afresh for each of us. we choose a thorn and push ourselves into it as far as we can bear the pain ... and then pause, take a breath and push in some more ... all for the singing ... or so says the legend
time decides it afresh for each of us. we choose a thorn and push ourselves into it as far as we can bear the pain ... and then pause, take a breath and push in some more ... all for the singing ... or so says the legend
Everywhere is You, You are in Everyone (misc random thoughts - school of divinity library, sanctuary)
ost - phish - silent in the morning
New Blog
Also been writing at Villa in Iceland, for a while now. I'm pretty kicked about it, actually :)
temptations
for a moment i was sorely tempted
i wanted to take your hand and say
just stay for a while
dont be so scared.
i wont ask for forever
a little scrap of your time
or your heart,
will last me a while
i wanted to hold on to you and cry
this time has broken.
even my stubborn heart.
i never felt like this before.
dont be scared for tomorrow.
i'll be gone before sunrise.
i'm more scarder than you are;
but stay tonight.
i need you, like i never knew
i could need before,
stay still for a moment,
or a night, or a few days.
hold me close, let me in
let me breathe your spirit in,
its so beautiful ...
ur perfection, defined.
let me warm my hands, in the light in your eyes.
i'm frozen from being outside.
stay still for a moment,
i'll be gone by daylight.
i'm not looking for forever.
just a little scrap of your time,
or your heart,
will last me a while.
i could have said all that
i would have said all that
if i only dared
if i only knew, if it wasnt just a lie
11.03.2007
i wanted to take your hand and say
just stay for a while
dont be so scared.
i wont ask for forever
a little scrap of your time
or your heart,
will last me a while
i wanted to hold on to you and cry
this time has broken.
even my stubborn heart.
i never felt like this before.
dont be scared for tomorrow.
i'll be gone before sunrise.
i'm more scarder than you are;
but stay tonight.
i need you, like i never knew
i could need before,
stay still for a moment,
or a night, or a few days.
hold me close, let me in
let me breathe your spirit in,
its so beautiful ...
ur perfection, defined.
let me warm my hands, in the light in your eyes.
i'm frozen from being outside.
stay still for a moment,
i'll be gone by daylight.
i'm not looking for forever.
just a little scrap of your time,
or your heart,
will last me a while.
i could have said all that
i would have said all that
if i only dared
if i only knew, if it wasnt just a lie
11.03.2007
gypsy boy
walking in the evening
i met a gypsy boy
he looked dreaming, happy
he looked kind of sad
so i smiled at him and he smiled back
and i asked him where he was at
this is what he said to me
as he smiled and answered back
he said, i'm standing at a point
where i have never been before
seen either side of the road
but never trappen in the middle before
and from this place and moment
i wouldnt know where to go
if this road goes nowhere
i dont know where i'll go
so i asked him if he'll come with me
come out from the cold
he shaked his head and smiled again
and he said he'd never leave
friends
funny how i never saw what you saw ...
thank god you pointed it out!
i was blinded by my most sacred alter.
or maybe even that was always self deception?
could it be for anyone so hard to learn
that your internal image of relating is essentially flawed
it's vital not to care too much. or to judge, target worth
three decades. is that too much to learn?
my little one. i have tried so hard to save you.
to hide you. to teach you. shelter you while you grow
but i need your help to make it, love.
if you keep coming out, they will keep doing this
now dont come to me with big torn eyes
dont sit before me staring at the blood that way
i had warned you, about perfect strangers
they're not like you. they're flawed in a different way.
colour purple
over my head, the waters swirl blue and black and green
jagged little pieces of logic everywhere, sinking in
none hit me, though some scraped my skin, brushing past
filtered by the water, above my head
the sun shines bright and red
blown far far away by the blast
i watch the realization in a white bubble near my head
i must move out of here, before i sink
you cold warmth, your determined undeterminism
grey and white for practicality
and a little bit of green and brown and blue
because you love the skies too.
wild purples, a indigo and swirls of red moss
the sea, deep below, the sky on a stormy night
the still of hanging stars in the night.
and in the distance, i see you.
i am trying to reach out, can you see me
hold my hand. stop me. pull me out. before its too late.
death is born in the birth
time is framed and couched in time
it never goes on, but in circles
what will you stand in the center?
what fill with each days worth?
what will i do with this life?
you were right when you said what you said
whats the point of it all, at all?
maybe time has come to run again. if nothing, there's always fresh starts
Imagine ...
If you could make a world of your own, a life of your own, what would you change, if you could change anything?
This is what I am thinking. Small house, barley beer, lots of friends, just enough on the table for everyone, barely, ends stretched and made to meet with love and smiles. Snotty nosed children, with pink faces burtsing with laughter and wonder. And you and me. Exchanging glances. Knowing that you know that i know that you know, ad infinitum, that this is what and where and when. (The way we do when we see those nice mommies and daddies)
Outside, the rain is spitting. Somehow, here it doesnt seem as bad as the spitting I always complained about in my letters from Pune and Bristol. So you laugh at me, because you always know, dont you?
The sky has bent down low to share a joke with the earth. The mountains (and I cant get over how amazed you are with the snow) stand tall and bit indifferent. Fascinatingly stoic.
This is what I am thinking. Small house, barley beer, lots of friends, just enough on the table for everyone, barely, ends stretched and made to meet with love and smiles. Snotty nosed children, with pink faces burtsing with laughter and wonder. And you and me. Exchanging glances. Knowing that you know that i know that you know, ad infinitum, that this is what and where and when. (The way we do when we see those nice mommies and daddies)
Outside, the rain is spitting. Somehow, here it doesnt seem as bad as the spitting I always complained about in my letters from Pune and Bristol. So you laugh at me, because you always know, dont you?
The sky has bent down low to share a joke with the earth. The mountains (and I cant get over how amazed you are with the snow) stand tall and bit indifferent. Fascinatingly stoic.
for kiddo ...
it makes sense, doesnt it, that i love you so madly? i learned it in class today (EP)! partly, its genetic shared investment. then its the fact that we are alike. then its the fact that like the bee-eaters, i'm in last term, with low chances so better chances to pass the shared bit of the baton if i help you out than get distracted with endeavours of my own ;0)
yeah. i am just kidding. felt so good to talk to you. been so long. Kufree? wow! i never even knew there was such a plac.
yeah. i am just kidding. felt so good to talk to you. been so long. Kufree? wow! i never even knew there was such a plac.
moonshine
the colourless moon
stained blue and yellow
from hanging with the stars in a midnight sky
slowly droops, as his courage wilts
every now and then he smiles
down a shine
to charge the reflection below
so far away, floating on a uneven face of lead
no wonder it was distorted
does she really think
i look like that?
the wilting moon, tiring wonders:
i love you all
but the mountains call
if i leave today,
wouldnt you miss me at all?
i know that it would break her heart
and i know i could almost not bear to part
but at times, i get so tired
i cant wait for the tomorrow to start.
the stars will shine on
through the night
and the reflections
stand the test of time.
shadow so pure
so scared and clean
everything that he wanted to be
a better him. maybe he should just leave.
cold, leaden, unsmiling, uneven water
so far away. so changing
now giggling best friend. now cold heartless stranger
so far away. wouldnt even notice.
but from this night out
the road is long
and the path unmarked
and the end unknown.
the colourless moon
stained blue and yellow
from hanging with the stars in a midnight sky
slowly droops, as his courage wilts.
every now and then he smiles
down a shine
to charge the reflection below
so far away, she floats like lead
i love them all
but the darkness calls
if i leave today,
would'nt you miss me at all?
Near death experiences linked to sleep anomalies
Connections between out-of-body and near death experiences, and people who have unusual experiences when falling asleep or waking, have been found by Kevin Nelson and colleagues.
More @ Mind Hacks.
More @ Mind Hacks.
2 out of 3 and other old favourites
Talking of old songs, with memories, that hit you on the head sometime or the other with the amazing real life applicability of the lyrics, songs you had forgotten and then you suddenly hear somewhere, or something puts in your head, i'd give you these:
1. Meatloaf: 2 out of 3
2. Shawn Mullins - Lullaby
3. Peter Cetera - No Explanations
4. Keith Carradine - I'm Easy
5. Leonard Cohen - Suzzanne
i like lists to be 5, but: ... guess is a category by itself
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rQzsqrkbrU
1. Meatloaf: 2 out of 3
2. Shawn Mullins - Lullaby
3. Peter Cetera - No Explanations
4. Keith Carradine - I'm Easy
5. Leonard Cohen - Suzzanne
i like lists to be 5, but: ... guess is a category by itself
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rQzsqrkbrU
Another Beautiful Mind
When Eleanor Longden began hearing things, she soon found herself drugged, sectioned and labelled schizophrenic. Then a psychiatrist taught her how to talk back
Eleanor Longden, 25, started hearing voices when she was a teenager. But, contrary to the usual perception of inner voices, Longden says hers weren't destructive: "It was rather mundane, simply giving me a narration of some of the day-to-day things I was doing. In many ways, the voice was companionate because it was reminding me that I was carrying on with my responsibilities despite feeling so sad inside. There was something constructive about it."
People like Longden who admit to hearing inner voices can generally expect two outcomes: a diagnosis of insanity, and potent medication. But a group of psychiatrists and psychologists believe it's time we reconsidered labels such as schizophrenia and the drugs used as treatment. In fact, they believe we should get people to listen to, and actually engage with, the voices inside their heads.
The network has a growing professional following, Dillon says. "We get a lot of referrals from psychiatrists nowadays, although there's still a long way to go."
Talking heads
* Studies have found that between four and 10 per cent of Britons hear voices.
* Between 70 and 90 cent of people who hear voices do so following traumatic events.
* Voices can be male, female, without gender, child, adult, human or non-human.
* People may hear one voice or many. Some people report hearing hundreds, although in almost all reported cases, one dominates above the others.
* Voices can be experienced in the head, in the ears, outside the head, in some other part of the body, or in the environment.
* Voices often reflect important aspects of the hearer's emotional state - emotions that are often unexpressed by the hearer.
* The "hearing voices movement" has spread across the world. There are groups in countries as far afield as Australia, Finland, Japan and Palestine.
* Well-known voice hearers include Plato, Sigmund Freud, Beethoven, Byron, Charles Dickens, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Isaac Newton and Winston Churchill.
More Here.
Eleanor Longden, 25, started hearing voices when she was a teenager. But, contrary to the usual perception of inner voices, Longden says hers weren't destructive: "It was rather mundane, simply giving me a narration of some of the day-to-day things I was doing. In many ways, the voice was companionate because it was reminding me that I was carrying on with my responsibilities despite feeling so sad inside. There was something constructive about it."
People like Longden who admit to hearing inner voices can generally expect two outcomes: a diagnosis of insanity, and potent medication. But a group of psychiatrists and psychologists believe it's time we reconsidered labels such as schizophrenia and the drugs used as treatment. In fact, they believe we should get people to listen to, and actually engage with, the voices inside their heads.
The network has a growing professional following, Dillon says. "We get a lot of referrals from psychiatrists nowadays, although there's still a long way to go."
Talking heads
* Studies have found that between four and 10 per cent of Britons hear voices.
* Between 70 and 90 cent of people who hear voices do so following traumatic events.
* Voices can be male, female, without gender, child, adult, human or non-human.
* People may hear one voice or many. Some people report hearing hundreds, although in almost all reported cases, one dominates above the others.
* Voices can be experienced in the head, in the ears, outside the head, in some other part of the body, or in the environment.
* Voices often reflect important aspects of the hearer's emotional state - emotions that are often unexpressed by the hearer.
* The "hearing voices movement" has spread across the world. There are groups in countries as far afield as Australia, Finland, Japan and Palestine.
* Well-known voice hearers include Plato, Sigmund Freud, Beethoven, Byron, Charles Dickens, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Isaac Newton and Winston Churchill.
More Here.
Sometimes when we touch, Dan Hill
Another old favourite. I can still remember when I first heard this song. For some reason, it's tied up with "Twisting by the Pool" and "Diamonds and Rust". I think I heard them all for the first time in School, being played either by the school
band (featuring the then love of my life) or by Dia and Anjali during the lucknow socials. I can still remember Diya's voice as she leaned towards the mike and said, (our boys had just lost to lknw - so whats new) "well, you'll always be our heros"
Oh man - how COOL had it all seemed and how grown up those bloody 17 year olds had seemed. I couldnt wait to be all grown up too ...
I think I had forgotten about it till I saw it again in Brokeback Mt.
But I love the words of the song. Its one of those rare songs which are so real and everyday truth that you can actually identify with every word. Or, well, I can :)
But it makes me think, how much of the songs, or anything else, that we love are the stuff themselves and how much is the stuff that they remind us off or make us feel like or just any other association?
spiralling down, to the hole in the ground, where i hide
when you are broken
when you are blue
when you are tired of tending
to everybodies wounds
who do you turn to?
who shepherds the shephards
who listens to the listeners
who cares for the carers
because they hurt too.
every now and then, they draw a blank too
so what would i do if i was in your shoes
so this is the way you should look at it
so this is why it will get better for you
i'm fine. dont even ask.
believe me, you don't wanna know.
what would you do if there was no god to judge you
what would you live for if you didnt believe in love
what would you do, if i dissapeared.
wouldnt you miss me at all?
so where do i go to stock up again? cz i've run out of the wares i sell
it's a blue day in sunnydale
it's a blue day in hell
it's a mad day of madness
but all will be well again
in a min or two they'll fix the walls
when you are blue
when you are tired of tending
to everybodies wounds
who do you turn to?
who shepherds the shephards
who listens to the listeners
who cares for the carers
because they hurt too.
every now and then, they draw a blank too
so what would i do if i was in your shoes
so this is the way you should look at it
so this is why it will get better for you
i'm fine. dont even ask.
believe me, you don't wanna know.
what would you do if there was no god to judge you
what would you live for if you didnt believe in love
what would you do, if i dissapeared.
wouldnt you miss me at all?
so where do i go to stock up again? cz i've run out of the wares i sell
it's a blue day in sunnydale
it's a blue day in hell
it's a mad day of madness
but all will be well again
in a min or two they'll fix the walls
pop-quiz
You Are Expressionism |
 Moody, emotional, and even a bit angsty... you certainly know how to express your emotions. At times, you tend to lack perspective on your life, probably as a result of looking inward too much. This introspection does give you a flair for the dramatic. And it's even maybe made you cultivate some artistic talents! You have a true artist's temperament... which is a blessing and a curse. |
Just another lonely Day: Ben Harper
Just another lonely day, Ben Harper
This is one of my favouritest songs ever! I still remember the first time I heard it. I was looking for throw your arms around me, another favourite. As far as I know this was written by Hunters and Collectors, resung by PJ and BH. I love the words of both these songs. One of those that really do something to you ... but I also love the texture of his voice. Its one of those songs that makes me crazy. lol. if any making were needed ;)
And isnt it ironic that this youtube user has pic'd it to mona and chandler! monica and chandler have loads of pre-memories. mainly because i always hated the fact that joey and chandler break up bcz of her. damn. growing up. do we have to?)
In other notes, spring is sringing thought it doesnt seem that way from the tornado-like winds here, when I woke up and went down at 4 in the AM yesterday, I heard my first birdsong of the season :)
This is one of my favouritest songs ever! I still remember the first time I heard it. I was looking for throw your arms around me, another favourite. As far as I know this was written by Hunters and Collectors, resung by PJ and BH. I love the words of both these songs. One of those that really do something to you ... but I also love the texture of his voice. Its one of those songs that makes me crazy. lol. if any making were needed ;)
And isnt it ironic that this youtube user has pic'd it to mona and chandler! monica and chandler have loads of pre-memories. mainly because i always hated the fact that joey and chandler break up bcz of her. damn. growing up. do we have to?)
In other notes, spring is sringing thought it doesnt seem that way from the tornado-like winds here, when I woke up and went down at 4 in the AM yesterday, I heard my first birdsong of the season :)
One of my favourite bengali songs
This used to be one of my favourite songs
there used to be a lot of crittisism for uttam kumar
and i remember many adda sessions overheard growing up ending with
one of the women saying "tomaader satyajeet roy thaale tomaadergun-er soumitra ke chhere buro boyesh e uttom kumar ke niye taana taani korte gelo keno tobe ..."
the war of the sexes. though i always thought soumitra was way "cooler" guy wise. but then i guess that was before i saw deya neya and fell in love! though personally for me ofcourse, it was always Dhritiman ...
funny that i ran into this accidentally today. in keeping with my 5th rules from the science of life ... life guides you to answers to any question in your head right now.
there used to be a lot of crittisism for uttam kumar
and i remember many adda sessions overheard growing up ending with
one of the women saying "tomaader satyajeet roy thaale tomaadergun-er soumitra ke chhere buro boyesh e uttom kumar ke niye taana taani korte gelo keno tobe ..."
the war of the sexes. though i always thought soumitra was way "cooler" guy wise. but then i guess that was before i saw deya neya and fell in love! though personally for me ofcourse, it was always Dhritiman ...
funny that i ran into this accidentally today. in keeping with my 5th rules from the science of life ... life guides you to answers to any question in your head right now.
lake
deep in the forest,
there was a lake
noone goes there
much anyway
the water danced
and the light on the water
and the wind,
laughed merrily away
i was sitting by the lake
resting on a rock
on the shore
collecting the evening as it fell
i was waiting, for dusk to fall
i was tired, and i wanted my bed
i was sitting by the lake
with the body in my lap
i was waiting for the birds to be done
there were still many parts left
the eyes, the hands, the heart
i was sitting by the lake
when he swooped down
silent and huge and dark
i was a little afriad, when he settled down
what if he hadnt been a bird?
i was sitting by the lake
when he started to laugh
an otherworldly birdlike sound
from the sky, his bird friends flew down
and together they all laughed
birds of a feather stick together
men, with men and dreams
here by the lake
no men, no birds
nor day, nor dusk, all still
if i could speak in bird,
if i could be like him
i could fly away
and not stay here in the dark
but then, i would never know
the world of the night
the water. the worlds in it
the deep. the dark. the fathomless.
the sky sparkles
reflected in the lake
tempts. seduces. mocks,
with its brightness
do i want to stay, or do i want to go?
do i want to fly?
do i want to drown?
how do you know what you want?
how would you know if you loved someone?
so many worlds
you can pick only one to live in
so many lives. but you can have only one
but there are so many dreams you dream
and knowing all the while that you're asleep
cut cords with waking reality
is there a waking reality?
how would you ever know?
how could you not wonder?
how can you be satisfied?
how can you not be dying to know?
i was sitting by the lake
when night fell
i was cold, i was scared, i was alone
he was raven. he was dark. his breath smelt of dead flesh
but accidental, his feather brushed my face
for a moment, i was not scared
there was a lake
noone goes there
much anyway
the water danced
and the light on the water
and the wind,
laughed merrily away
i was sitting by the lake
resting on a rock
on the shore
collecting the evening as it fell
i was waiting, for dusk to fall
i was tired, and i wanted my bed
i was sitting by the lake
with the body in my lap
i was waiting for the birds to be done
there were still many parts left
the eyes, the hands, the heart
i was sitting by the lake
when he swooped down
silent and huge and dark
i was a little afriad, when he settled down
what if he hadnt been a bird?
i was sitting by the lake
when he started to laugh
an otherworldly birdlike sound
from the sky, his bird friends flew down
and together they all laughed
birds of a feather stick together
men, with men and dreams
here by the lake
no men, no birds
nor day, nor dusk, all still
if i could speak in bird,
if i could be like him
i could fly away
and not stay here in the dark
but then, i would never know
the world of the night
the water. the worlds in it
the deep. the dark. the fathomless.
the sky sparkles
reflected in the lake
tempts. seduces. mocks,
with its brightness
do i want to stay, or do i want to go?
do i want to fly?
do i want to drown?
how do you know what you want?
how would you know if you loved someone?
so many worlds
you can pick only one to live in
so many lives. but you can have only one
but there are so many dreams you dream
and knowing all the while that you're asleep
cut cords with waking reality
is there a waking reality?
how would you ever know?
how could you not wonder?
how can you be satisfied?
how can you not be dying to know?
i was sitting by the lake
when night fell
i was cold, i was scared, i was alone
he was raven. he was dark. his breath smelt of dead flesh
but accidental, his feather brushed my face
for a moment, i was not scared
beautiful rainy sunday ...
nice rainy sunday
magic light outside
perfect to stay home
with hot chocolate and stare blankly out or watch movies with
lots of cushion and throws :D
you know about freudian slip?
my poison is music
i keep doing it. thank god, most people
dont catch on
song in my head
but sometimes my "head" tweaks the words
so here's an oldie for you ...
ps - question in my head? how do you know you love someone. heard someone asking this last night ... curious, what are your thoughts?
magic light outside
perfect to stay home
with hot chocolate and stare blankly out or watch movies with
lots of cushion and throws :D
you know about freudian slip?
my poison is music
i keep doing it. thank god, most people
dont catch on
song in my head
but sometimes my "head" tweaks the words
so here's an oldie for you ...
ps - question in my head? how do you know you love someone. heard someone asking this last night ... curious, what are your thoughts?
questions
going along, living life, you wade through masses of words, if words are your medium, and some stick in your head forever. these are some that stay stuck in my head
from the Bridges of Madision County, (isnt that ironic) "In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once."
from Gone with the Wind, "a lady can do no more"
from the beatles, "your's sincerely, wasting away"
from a key chain that a friend got each one of us in school, each had our own names and the pic of a state in 'the states' and a message (i think from that state) and mine said west virgina, wild and wonderful
from when harry met sally, "when you figure out who you want to spend the rest of your life with ..."
from hi fidelity, "its not what you are like, but what you like"
from dr. zhivago, "life. he wants to see life ..."
from my uncle, (we were spening the night talking about life, in a forrest bunglow somewhere, in some god forsaken part of bihar, "first you must know what you want"
from my dad (first time caught smoking), at the end of the day you are a person, a "me"
notting hill/song, "make them all my souvenires"
jesus christ superstar, "he's just a man"
from the Bridges of Madision County, (isnt that ironic) "In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once."
from Gone with the Wind, "a lady can do no more"
from the beatles, "your's sincerely, wasting away"
from a key chain that a friend got each one of us in school, each had our own names and the pic of a state in 'the states' and a message (i think from that state) and mine said west virgina, wild and wonderful
from when harry met sally, "when you figure out who you want to spend the rest of your life with ..."
from hi fidelity, "its not what you are like, but what you like"
from dr. zhivago, "life. he wants to see life ..."
from my uncle, (we were spening the night talking about life, in a forrest bunglow somewhere, in some god forsaken part of bihar, "first you must know what you want"
from my dad (first time caught smoking), at the end of the day you are a person, a "me"
notting hill/song, "make them all my souvenires"
jesus christ superstar, "he's just a man"
Its a beautiful day ...
And I have nothing to say ...
Maybe the postman came (ref: queen. courtsey reader complaint)
But I just stayed away from home
So I dont know what he delivered
I dont wanna know
Arent ostrichs pretty animals?
I'm tired of the "out there" (ref: withheld)
But, what do I do. Why am I laughing? Life is such a joke
Went for a walk early this morning, and ended up here.
Came back and had a lot of work but sat there and listened to Pandora for a tiny while ... listening to wish you were here, again.
the nice thing about having B here is she makes me miss b just a little less. We almost dont talk in full sentennces anymore. and she too can cope with the jumping wildy random topics. multithreading. and the bizzarre obscure little things that worry excite sadden us ... which it would be so hard to share otherwise. we went for lunch at a little italian-ish place. awesome food. expensive, by my meagre standards. but the best part was the talkathon.
Maybe the postman came (ref: queen. courtsey reader complaint)
But I just stayed away from home
So I dont know what he delivered
I dont wanna know
Arent ostrichs pretty animals?
I'm tired of the "out there" (ref: withheld)
But, what do I do. Why am I laughing? Life is such a joke
Went for a walk early this morning, and ended up here.
Came back and had a lot of work but sat there and listened to Pandora for a tiny while ... listening to wish you were here, again.
the nice thing about having B here is she makes me miss b just a little less. We almost dont talk in full sentennces anymore. and she too can cope with the jumping wildy random topics. multithreading. and the bizzarre obscure little things that worry excite sadden us ... which it would be so hard to share otherwise. we went for lunch at a little italian-ish place. awesome food. expensive, by my meagre standards. but the best part was the talkathon.
Genetic Link to Schizophrenia
According to the National Institute for Mental Health, an estimated 51 million people worldwide suffer from schizophrenia. Although 80 percent of schizophrenia cases appear to be inherited, the specific genetic components underlying individuals' susceptibility and pathology are largely unknown. Gene mutations governing a key brain enzyme make people susceptible to schizophrenia and may be targeted in future treatments for the psychiatric illness, according to MIT and Japanese researchers. More at the Villa
madcap returns
i'm so happy i could die
madcap is back, for a while ...
everytime you do that thing you do,
i want to stop the clock.
and stay here for eternity
in this sweet uncertainity.
where every little clue,
is loaded with fertility.
what is wrong with me?
i never dreamt so optimitically
time never danced around like this,
the world never diminished.
the hands on the clock
and my heart,
hold hands
and stop still
this like the dream
or a prelude
could life be so happy?
its bizzare! i never thought ...
other people act like this!
childish rush of wind and song
me, the sane and sensible!
atleast, in matters of this sort ...
where is my bitter, pessimistic heart?
should i tell myself, it will pass, or wait for the day to start ...
madcap is back, for a while ...
everytime you do that thing you do,
i want to stop the clock.
and stay here for eternity
in this sweet uncertainity.
where every little clue,
is loaded with fertility.
what is wrong with me?
i never dreamt so optimitically
time never danced around like this,
the world never diminished.
the hands on the clock
and my heart,
hold hands
and stop still
this like the dream
or a prelude
could life be so happy?
its bizzare! i never thought ...
other people act like this!
childish rush of wind and song
me, the sane and sensible!
atleast, in matters of this sort ...
where is my bitter, pessimistic heart?
should i tell myself, it will pass, or wait for the day to start ...
All That Jazz
After having begged several experts to educate me and having consistently been put off for later and forgotten, I have started a tentative exploration solo. Or, this is the first half decent song Pandora played me all morning: This is Easy Living and I've got a crush on you. I heard them sung by Dinah Washington, and Ella Fitzgerald, respectively. But I could find only these versions on youT.
underwater
as you stare up above you
the water, swelling, is a deep deep blue
the sky, somewhere, you cant see
melts down through the blue glass lazily
underwater sun, day has begun
hazy, lazy, faded, drunk
purple clouds, drown one by one
sink to the bottom, and crush you down
flowers red. sparks from the stars
falling, extinguished. come floating down
like a feather trying to play
with a busy morning breeze
all of life, underwater freeze
all of the world, underwater seas
twirl. madness. cerullean
thrills. laughter. rolling down your face
the water, swelling, is a deep deep blue
the sky, somewhere, you cant see
melts down through the blue glass lazily
underwater sun, day has begun
hazy, lazy, faded, drunk
purple clouds, drown one by one
sink to the bottom, and crush you down
flowers red. sparks from the stars
falling, extinguished. come floating down
like a feather trying to play
with a busy morning breeze
all of life, underwater freeze
all of the world, underwater seas
twirl. madness. cerullean
thrills. laughter. rolling down your face
The neo cortex, man's peacock feathers?
Darwin introduced Natural Selection in 1859 book, "On the Origin of Species". In this book there was a very small reference to Sexual Selection, which was to later become an overriding concern driving his future work. His next book, "The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex", 1871, addressed sexual selection more directly.According to Natural Selection, species change to adapt to the environment and the traits that are the fittest for the environment survive and are passed on in time. Thus, Natural Selection cannot explain traits like (Darwins favourite) peacock feathers having survived, or indeed evolved. What is the survivalistic advantage of a brightly coloured plume that draws the attraction of all your natural predators when in action?
Sexual Selection fills this gap by saying that the females of the species select the males they will mate with. Due to the differential parental investment quotient, females are far fussier. Thus, the male of the species will often evolve a trait whose whole purpose is to impress the female, and which has no direct environmental survivalistic rationale. Like the peacock feather. It impresses the female with the quality of this male's genes and good health, because it is something he cannot fake.
The neo cortex was developed relatively recently in evolution. Before that the old brain handled almost all our survival needs. The neo cortex is responsible for consciousness, poetry, art, executive control, social behaviour, languages.
These are not skills a primate that has just come down from the trees needs to survive. Besides, nature always devises the most economical solutions to the most pressing survival challenges thrown by a changing environment. So why develop such a massive huge brain, the bulk of which is the neocortex, and the bulk of which most people dont use or need?
In humans the neo cortex contributes to the bulk of the huge brain size difference with its predecessors. The "swollen head" solution has huge implications on how the primate will now develop, and thereby how the adult will live to enable that development. The head has grown bigger than the pelvis can accomodate, so the infant is now born with only a small fraction of the brain development he is going to have as an adult. Most of the brain growing happens in the early years of a child. As a consequence, while any other animal is reasonably self sufficient from birth, horses can just get up and run with the herd, the human baby has to be nurtured for years while this massive and largely unnecessary brain grows and is programmed, by the parents. Thus it needs the mother to stay by its side through this period, dedicated to training and protecting it. It needs a completely different (male in resifence) family/social structure to protect this mother child set up while the mother is preoccupied with the baby, it needs the male to be able to go get food and come back and share it with his mate, over a prolonged period of time, thus requiring emotions and love to develop, it needs a herd in residence to protect the females and children while the males are out hunting (we started eating meat around now, so the men have to go hunt afar) and thuse giving rise to society, moral, group feelings.
It changes everything ...
Why do we have this neo cortex? What do we do with it? We write poems and make pictures and invent things, which impresses the women of our genetic quality and resourfulness (yes and we amass resources - get rich).
The famous Phineas Gage, on whom the book "An Odd Kind of Fame", by Malcolm Macmillan, was based, survived for 15 years after losing a huge part of hs cortex, when a meter long tamping iron with a diameter of 1.25 inches (3.2 cm) weighing thirteen and about six kilos entered his skull below his left cheek bone and exited after passing through the anterior frontal cortex and white matter. He suffered "some" changes in emotional and social processing, but he was alive. for fifteen years.
Infact, Egas Moniz, received the Nobel Prize for starting the frontal lobotomy, in which this part of the brain is removed or destroyed. Later, Walter Freeman imported the operation to america and popularised it there.
Also read:
Moniz develops lobotomy for mental illness
Relatives of Lobotomy Patients Want Nobel Prize Revoked
Article on sexual selection by Paul R Ehrlich, David S Dobkin and Darryl Wheye
Co-evolution of neocortex size, group size and language in humans by RIM Dunbar
Neocortex size and social network size in primates, paper by H Kudo and RIM Dunbar
The Piraha People at Wikipedia
The Blue Brain project.
Awareness: schizophrenia
Awareness writes about Schizophrenia, and tells us about how "During a psychotic episode, the world as we know it disappears. What is tangibly real morphs into a disconnected tangle of interfering voices, distorted mixed messages and acted upon delusions which all seem believably real to the individual struggling with schizophrenia". More at Awareness: schizophrenia
Schizophrenia and Developing Nations
Schizophrenia and Sainthood
It seems that schizoid tendencies are revered in Christianity. You couldn’t be a Saint unless you demonstrate what are now known to be several symptoms of Schizophrenia. Full article here at
Dangerous Intersections.
Dangerous Intersections.
Arthur Conan Doyle and Kenneth Grahame. Schizophrenics?
http://heritage.scotsman.com/news.cfm?id=262782007
http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/159/6/1068
http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/159/6/1068
madcap files
his coming home. is it a sign?
he's the one that madcap freed
if i could meet him, ask him how
maybe i'd know madcap, i little more
http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_1931111,0008.htm
he's the one that madcap freed
if i could meet him, ask him how
maybe i'd know madcap, i little more
http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_1931111,0008.htm
neuropsychology, cognition, evolution and love
I know it's explainable by science, and the rest is all rubbish. I learn that in so many papers I read, lectures and talks I sit in. Still, it's such sweet rubbish. I used to think liking someone who doesnt like you back is just pure torture, but it's such sweet torture. I used to think it's just a waste of time, but it's such an lovely waste. It's stupid that a dead-end lane can be so enchanting, isnt it? Isnt it amazing that the fact you know something wont go anywhere, and you would'nt, or could'nt let it, even if it wanted to; that you know it will pass, in time, does in fact make no difference to the rush off blood that sings in your head, each time. It's still sweet torture when eyes meet. keep calm. look calm. smile. casual. easy does it. Dont let on ... Hey! You gotto hide your love away. Its illogical that just a few minutes can last so many hours. That days of reasoning with yourself, learning and teaching control and practising restraint and caution, can be gone with the wind in seconds. But then, it is a windy city ;)
All around me everyone is talking about it. Everyone is falling in or out of love, or rocking boats. Everyone has thrills or tears to share. God! Am I surrounded by love birds. Looking at them, sometimes, I feel tempted by the sweetness of the madness, but sometimes, I think maybe its better off calm.
something, by the Beatles, on youtube
All around me everyone is talking about it. Everyone is falling in or out of love, or rocking boats. Everyone has thrills or tears to share. God! Am I surrounded by love birds. Looking at them, sometimes, I feel tempted by the sweetness of the madness, but sometimes, I think maybe its better off calm.
something, by the Beatles, on youtube
Happy Valentines Day
Today, I just fell in love with this song. It's from Pure Instinct, 1996. Nothing brilliant about it and not really in their regular spirit, but I fell in love with the song all the same.
On a different note, check this out, I loved it! http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php?f=823
you and i, by the scorpions, from the Pure Instincts album, on youtube
I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
there's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm not a child anymore, life has opened the door
to a new exciting life
I lose control when I'm close to you babe
I lose control don't look at me like this
there's something in your eyes, is this love at first sight
like a flower that grows, life just wants you to know
all the secrets of life
It's all written down in your lifelines
it's written down inside your heart
You and I just have a dream
to find our love a place
where we can hide away
you and I were just made
to love each other now
forever and a day
I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
there's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm so curious for more just like never before
in my innocent life
It's all written down in your lifelines
it's written down inside your heart
You and I just have a dream
to find our love a place
where we can hide away
you and I were just made
to love each other now
forever and a day
Time stands still
when days of innocence are falling for the night
I love you girl I always will
I swear I'm there for you till the day I'll die
On a different note, check this out, I loved it! http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php?f=823
you and i, by the scorpions, from the Pure Instincts album, on youtube
I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
there's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm not a child anymore, life has opened the door
to a new exciting life
I lose control when I'm close to you babe
I lose control don't look at me like this
there's something in your eyes, is this love at first sight
like a flower that grows, life just wants you to know
all the secrets of life
It's all written down in your lifelines
it's written down inside your heart
You and I just have a dream
to find our love a place
where we can hide away
you and I were just made
to love each other now
forever and a day
I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
there's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm so curious for more just like never before
in my innocent life
It's all written down in your lifelines
it's written down inside your heart
You and I just have a dream
to find our love a place
where we can hide away
you and I were just made
to love each other now
forever and a day
Time stands still
when days of innocence are falling for the night
I love you girl I always will
I swear I'm there for you till the day I'll die