wouldnt it be nice if we could really live in the present. i know some of us manage pretty well, but a few are not so good or consistent with this skill
when i look back on my life till now, i see every colour, every shade in my memories. orange for fun & frolic, pink for love & laughter; red for anger & amor; grey for tears & trials; blue for the blues, purple for the strange lost days, black sins and pain; white for wisdom and peace. but given a choice, i wouldnt live one single day differently. 'got say it now - its been a good life all in all'
but the point here is that i look back. each moment i know, though i am, here and now, making memories i will look back on with fond longing some far away tomorrow, yet i spend a part of it looking over my shoulder at some long left behind yesterday.
through it all theres one thing i have realised. you never miss a place, time, person. i have gone back to all of them and found strangers where i had left bits and pieces of my heart. what we do miss is the way we were ... there,then, with them
we are different all the time. with different people, in different places, at different times. and we scatter our souls in the winds of our lives, spreading it everywhere we have touched, leaving bits and pieces of our selves every where we go.
wouldnt it be nice if we could collect all of us in space & time and be whole for that moment, that place.
a few more snaps at
i couldnt write in words how its raining. its like magic. the water. the light. the city. wish i could stay home and watch the 'way we were' ... or anything, for that matter
night ships in the mist
perhaps we are all like ships. and life is like a sea. i thought about this till early this morning. lying next to the gaping window, the skies outside washed in moonlight. awash. floating. shimmering. the window, the square hole in the walls was so huge; where i lay, was so near the edge; the room so dark; the world so still all around ... it seemed like i was floating through space - through your world, in capsule, in a bubble - in which i rode down from mine
people tell me i am mysterious. that i cant be known. or understood. i say - well, thank god. for ur sanities sake.
but i digress. lying there i found my self thinking about this: perhaps we are all like ships. and life is like a sea. endless analogies spun through my brain. we go through storms, we lose our way, we get slowed down in getting to tomorrows destination - bcz we need to stop and catch fish to eat today. we forget where we were heading. we end up in america's looking for india. funny thoughts, serious thoughts, crazy thoughts. its strange the kind of thoughts that will come into ur head at 3AM
but what really got me thinking this way is - that i had the loveliest weekend. im getting better everyday. every weekend. im getting stronger. soon i will be able to sail again. so we are like ships. our place is on the sea. not in port. but when we are on the sea - there's wear and tear. and when we get into port, if the damage is too much then we need to stay a while and get fixed up.
i saw JULIE last night. excellent story - a bit badly handled i thought. but im so glad i saw it all teh same. terribly explicit though! i could barely watch at times. and i saw 50 FIRST DATES. Brilliant. I loved it! Im dying to see kill bill 2 and 'double life of veronique'!!! WHAT a COMBINATION!
my new kolkata snaps ...
people tell me i am mysterious. that i cant be known. or understood. i say - well, thank god. for ur sanities sake.
but i digress. lying there i found my self thinking about this: perhaps we are all like ships. and life is like a sea. endless analogies spun through my brain. we go through storms, we lose our way, we get slowed down in getting to tomorrows destination - bcz we need to stop and catch fish to eat today. we forget where we were heading. we end up in america's looking for india. funny thoughts, serious thoughts, crazy thoughts. its strange the kind of thoughts that will come into ur head at 3AM
but what really got me thinking this way is - that i had the loveliest weekend. im getting better everyday. every weekend. im getting stronger. soon i will be able to sail again. so we are like ships. our place is on the sea. not in port. but when we are on the sea - there's wear and tear. and when we get into port, if the damage is too much then we need to stay a while and get fixed up.
i saw JULIE last night. excellent story - a bit badly handled i thought. but im so glad i saw it all teh same. terribly explicit though! i could barely watch at times. and i saw 50 FIRST DATES. Brilliant. I loved it! Im dying to see kill bill 2 and 'double life of veronique'!!! WHAT a COMBINATION!
my new kolkata snaps ...
got it atlast
been trying remember the name of two movies for months. saw them amongst the blur of movies i saw in the states - my mad movie rush! found the atlast ...
magnolia & sophies choice
awesome!
magnolia & sophies choice
awesome!
im back ...
i played with the template a while, but icouldnt really get it to do the stuff i wanted ... and after a bit i got fed up ... I wanted it like Michelle had done it before - a nice curly-wurly RICERCAR on top ... but its come out weird!
im reading inscrutable americans. it was funny for the first few pages. now its terribley boring. im going to finish it today and go back to global soul. i also have marquez AB to start ...
and loads of thinking to do. i need to decide by this weekend. ive been sitting on the fence too long. just going alone with life and not thinking, not deciding. we need to decide. ull never know if its the right decision - but you still gotto decide. another thing i realised is that i depend way to much on other peoples love and affection (or whatever) for my happiness. its ok if some people think ur a idiot. im not gonna go out of my way to 'be a friend' or make people happy or not hurt people anymore. like my most fav blogger reminded me ... fcuk fish - had enough fish - fcuk being nice. had enough. im not that much stronger than everyone else and everyone else is not that weak. and no wound is fatal. you cant mess up ur life cz someone will feel bad if u dont. like the monk said - in original sin - no one is innocent. no one is 'bechaara'.
i went to hyatt for dinner last night. it was so tiring that for a fraction of a sec i fell asleep standing! i woke up at 5:30. went to the gym. got back. went to work - morning shift. finished at 2 but stayed back for the roadshow. till 4. then ran around trying to trace the guy who had my IT Returns. Got home 6. Returned a million phone calls. Ma got back from work. Got a shouting for 'not being enthu about dressing up'. then we went for the dinner. made PC with hajaar people. food was nice. ok. not that great. fell asleep in the car on the way back!
i havent seen a movie since i got back to india. in the hall that is. i saw 'white' at home - it was awesome! i wanna see TAXI this weekend. its a french movie. its very funny. speaking of french movies - i feel like seeing 'breathless' again. im going to buy dvd's this weekend. maybe ill get red, blue, white & breathless and limelight. and ofcourse - high fidelity and pride and prejudice. lets see ...
to everyone who had commented on the previous posts - i couldnt reply cz I switched the comments to blogger-comments ... SORRY!!! :(
im reading inscrutable americans. it was funny for the first few pages. now its terribley boring. im going to finish it today and go back to global soul. i also have marquez AB to start ...
and loads of thinking to do. i need to decide by this weekend. ive been sitting on the fence too long. just going alone with life and not thinking, not deciding. we need to decide. ull never know if its the right decision - but you still gotto decide. another thing i realised is that i depend way to much on other peoples love and affection (or whatever) for my happiness. its ok if some people think ur a idiot. im not gonna go out of my way to 'be a friend' or make people happy or not hurt people anymore. like my most fav blogger reminded me ... fcuk fish - had enough fish - fcuk being nice. had enough. im not that much stronger than everyone else and everyone else is not that weak. and no wound is fatal. you cant mess up ur life cz someone will feel bad if u dont. like the monk said - in original sin - no one is innocent. no one is 'bechaara'.
i went to hyatt for dinner last night. it was so tiring that for a fraction of a sec i fell asleep standing! i woke up at 5:30. went to the gym. got back. went to work - morning shift. finished at 2 but stayed back for the roadshow. till 4. then ran around trying to trace the guy who had my IT Returns. Got home 6. Returned a million phone calls. Ma got back from work. Got a shouting for 'not being enthu about dressing up'. then we went for the dinner. made PC with hajaar people. food was nice. ok. not that great. fell asleep in the car on the way back!
i havent seen a movie since i got back to india. in the hall that is. i saw 'white' at home - it was awesome! i wanna see TAXI this weekend. its a french movie. its very funny. speaking of french movies - i feel like seeing 'breathless' again. im going to buy dvd's this weekend. maybe ill get red, blue, white & breathless and limelight. and ofcourse - high fidelity and pride and prejudice. lets see ...
to everyone who had commented on the previous posts - i couldnt reply cz I switched the comments to blogger-comments ... SORRY!!! :(
sick
not well. in bed since thursday ... so no net access. will have to wait to post ...
life keeps changing moods like the kaliedescope i played with on the balcony as a child ... life is so beatiful, light or dark
have u ever felt the world shrinking, condensing, falling, falling into you, as you stare on at the ceiling.
its so peaceful to be at home. in cal ...
life keeps changing moods like the kaliedescope i played with on the balcony as a child ... life is so beatiful, light or dark
have u ever felt the world shrinking, condensing, falling, falling into you, as you stare on at the ceiling.
its so peaceful to be at home. in cal ...
Flashback warm nights, Almost left behind. Pages of memories calling across time
I spent half my time searching for calvin and hobbes on the net ... bcz i was bored of trying to figure out the logic (?) behind weird spagetti code. well, i found this awesome online archive and this article ...
``Bill is both refreshingly different and exasperatingly different, depending on one's perspective,'' said Lee Salem, editorial director of Universal Press Syndicate, which distributes ``Calvin and Hobbes.'' ``I'm an editor, not a creative person. I think it's difficult for those of us not (creatively) inclined to judge what toll that takes on a person. With some of these people it's a toll they didn't want to pay anymore.''
THE REST OF THE ARTICLE AT www.sfgate.com/ea/carroll/1230.html
Ive heard of this happening to other people, but this is the first time its happened to me!
I LOST A POST!!!!
anyway - here what i was writing about ... i found a lot of old diaries and poems and stuff at home and ive been having a lot of fun going through them. then i started reading the blogs right from the start ... its not so bad. all u gotto do is remember that ur everyone else might be reading it too :)
its funny ... may 2003 i wrote two posts about rajesh ... it was so nice to reread that now! and i liked these two bits too ... same period ... may 2003:
Friday, May 16, 2003
Ive got maxims on my mind ...
and voices in my head
as times goes on u realise the opposite of love is never hatred
because hatred is just another form of love
the opposite of love is indifference ...
like the opposite of existence is non existence and not disease ...
we are such fools
not merely happy with the fact that our friends do love us
we also put conditions on how and why?
everything u see, everything u hear
nothing is at it seems
everything is a test
everything is a clue
everyone u meet
everyone u see
no one should be trusted
no one is a friend
Sunday, May 04, 2003
... and another soul stirring memory. I was walking home from the bus stop in bristol one day. balmy evening. winds blowing all around. this is near the city centre and used to talk all kinds of weird by lanes ... a new one each time & there were so many! god I loved that city so. anyway, so its about 9 pm and the sky is just about beginning to fade to darker shades ... Im walking ... its cold ... and I have one of those "I'm all alone in this world & thank god" feelings. Im walking by this huge church and SUDDENLY there are lights inside & the bells start chiming .. I cant explain this ... but it was exquisite. The sounds of the bells floated all around in the air till I felt like I was dancing in a cloud of song & the whole world was so beautiful and I was SO GRATEFUL I was alive & alone & free
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
"And If you truly did drown? In life?
Would that be fascinating too?
Slowly sinking down down dark deep.
Into the stomach off a sweet blue intensity.
And then, night, night forever?
But a soft white glow Ill leave behind.
And it will keep glowing forever?"
``Bill is both refreshingly different and exasperatingly different, depending on one's perspective,'' said Lee Salem, editorial director of Universal Press Syndicate, which distributes ``Calvin and Hobbes.'' ``I'm an editor, not a creative person. I think it's difficult for those of us not (creatively) inclined to judge what toll that takes on a person. With some of these people it's a toll they didn't want to pay anymore.''
THE REST OF THE ARTICLE AT www.sfgate.com/ea/carroll/1230.html
Ive heard of this happening to other people, but this is the first time its happened to me!
I LOST A POST!!!!
anyway - here what i was writing about ... i found a lot of old diaries and poems and stuff at home and ive been having a lot of fun going through them. then i started reading the blogs right from the start ... its not so bad. all u gotto do is remember that ur everyone else might be reading it too :)
its funny ... may 2003 i wrote two posts about rajesh ... it was so nice to reread that now! and i liked these two bits too ... same period ... may 2003:
Friday, May 16, 2003
Ive got maxims on my mind ...
and voices in my head
as times goes on u realise the opposite of love is never hatred
because hatred is just another form of love
the opposite of love is indifference ...
like the opposite of existence is non existence and not disease ...
we are such fools
not merely happy with the fact that our friends do love us
we also put conditions on how and why?
everything u see, everything u hear
nothing is at it seems
everything is a test
everything is a clue
everyone u meet
everyone u see
no one should be trusted
no one is a friend
Sunday, May 04, 2003
... and another soul stirring memory. I was walking home from the bus stop in bristol one day. balmy evening. winds blowing all around. this is near the city centre and used to talk all kinds of weird by lanes ... a new one each time & there were so many! god I loved that city so. anyway, so its about 9 pm and the sky is just about beginning to fade to darker shades ... Im walking ... its cold ... and I have one of those "I'm all alone in this world & thank god" feelings. Im walking by this huge church and SUDDENLY there are lights inside & the bells start chiming .. I cant explain this ... but it was exquisite. The sounds of the bells floated all around in the air till I felt like I was dancing in a cloud of song & the whole world was so beautiful and I was SO GRATEFUL I was alive & alone & free
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
"And If you truly did drown? In life?
Would that be fascinating too?
Slowly sinking down down dark deep.
Into the stomach off a sweet blue intensity.
And then, night, night forever?
But a soft white glow Ill leave behind.
And it will keep glowing forever?"
confused
if you're unhappy, you can be cheered up
if you're stuck, you can be helped out
if you're dont know how to get what you want, you can be showed the way
but if you dont know what you want ... theres nothing anyone can do to help you!
if you're stuck, you can be helped out
if you're dont know how to get what you want, you can be showed the way
but if you dont know what you want ... theres nothing anyone can do to help you!
i fell in love with this little snippet ...
"In the back of the file, I found a yellowed cartoon I’d clipped from the newspaper. It’s Snoopy, opening his mailbox. Dear Contributor, states the letter he reads. We are returning your stupid story. You are a terrible writer. Why do you bother us? We wouldn’t buy one of your stories if you paid us. Leave us alone. Drop dead. Get lost. In the last square, Snoopy rests on his doghouse. Probably a form rejection slip, he thinks.
Oh, yeah. Snoopy knows where to file that rejection. His dream is protected, his heart is in tact. File that letter under H for Hope, that dream-sustaining elixir, the Holy Grail of publishing."
from Roxanne St. Claire’s first novel, 'TROPICAL GETAWAY'.
speaking of peanuts ... sally rather reminds me of barbie and guess who marcie reminds me of!
sleepy
im so sleepy i can hardly concentrate! but i know if i could lie down now i wouldnt be able sleep ...
i was up till two last night. for the first time ... i had a waking nightmare. a truck. a accident. blood. death and rahul in kolkata! weird ...
just feel asleep. had barely fallen asleep when i was woken by the phine. 4 am. sos calls dont watch the time. but im glad. im there if u needme. who ever the hell u are. after all thats all im semi good for ;)
went to the terrace. and sat in the ring. ram-da's jasmine floated heavy all around ...
came down, checked on ma. checked on munal. my little kiddies ... said sorry for the fight ... she smiled in her sleep. first smile in ages. mamma. the biggest kiddo in the world. how i lose my temper when i lose it. my hands shake. my legs shake. and my voice goes low and cold. i could kill someone then in a rage. pills used to be scared every day. thats id kill someone .... was tempted only once. i hate people who sneak into ur privacy. who break codes and passwords to investigate. but i guess, its only human. we must tolerate. forgive. accept. and then we must tolerate their abuses in turn!
anyway then i walked the the kitchen. didnt find anything. the ghost who walks. then i drifted off to sleep just as the alarm went. gym at 6 ... ouch!
drove to work half asleep. i used to have so many friends here. do i not have them anymore or is it my imagination? whats friendship? how much of a shelf-life does it have anyway? whats love, affectation, crushes and whats the expiry date on a promise?
one thought on my mind since sunday ... i wish i could be an angel! wish ihad the authority to walk up to anyone and say 'hello ... why u do you look so crushed.' ... to help. to talk. to wrap them up in clouds of comfort. heal them and let them fly again ... but i cant. when u sit there. looking so sad. i can even say ... friend - its ok. how could i? i barely know you. but i prayed for u. u will be better. soon.
and this is my LAST personal post here!
Oh, yeah. Snoopy knows where to file that rejection. His dream is protected, his heart is in tact. File that letter under H for Hope, that dream-sustaining elixir, the Holy Grail of publishing."
from Roxanne St. Claire’s first novel, 'TROPICAL GETAWAY'.
speaking of peanuts ... sally rather reminds me of barbie and guess who marcie reminds me of!
sleepy
im so sleepy i can hardly concentrate! but i know if i could lie down now i wouldnt be able sleep ...
i was up till two last night. for the first time ... i had a waking nightmare. a truck. a accident. blood. death and rahul in kolkata! weird ...
just feel asleep. had barely fallen asleep when i was woken by the phine. 4 am. sos calls dont watch the time. but im glad. im there if u needme. who ever the hell u are. after all thats all im semi good for ;)
went to the terrace. and sat in the ring. ram-da's jasmine floated heavy all around ...
came down, checked on ma. checked on munal. my little kiddies ... said sorry for the fight ... she smiled in her sleep. first smile in ages. mamma. the biggest kiddo in the world. how i lose my temper when i lose it. my hands shake. my legs shake. and my voice goes low and cold. i could kill someone then in a rage. pills used to be scared every day. thats id kill someone .... was tempted only once. i hate people who sneak into ur privacy. who break codes and passwords to investigate. but i guess, its only human. we must tolerate. forgive. accept. and then we must tolerate their abuses in turn!
anyway then i walked the the kitchen. didnt find anything. the ghost who walks. then i drifted off to sleep just as the alarm went. gym at 6 ... ouch!
drove to work half asleep. i used to have so many friends here. do i not have them anymore or is it my imagination? whats friendship? how much of a shelf-life does it have anyway? whats love, affectation, crushes and whats the expiry date on a promise?
one thought on my mind since sunday ... i wish i could be an angel! wish ihad the authority to walk up to anyone and say 'hello ... why u do you look so crushed.' ... to help. to talk. to wrap them up in clouds of comfort. heal them and let them fly again ... but i cant. when u sit there. looking so sad. i can even say ... friend - its ok. how could i? i barely know you. but i prayed for u. u will be better. soon.
and this is my LAST personal post here!
pome
i was made of glass, when i was born, yet i thought i was so strong
and now ive turned to stone
ill cut you if u break me, ill hurt u if u hurt me, though hold me in the sun,
theres light and rainbows all around
im transparent. im clear, unclouded
u see in me what YOU want to see
ive been bitten by all the little birds, i sheltered from the storm
now all i want is to be alone
im broken, cracked, shattered, scattered, parts of me lost in the wind
i need to turn. to turn to stone.
and now ive turned to stone
ill cut you if u break me, ill hurt u if u hurt me, though hold me in the sun,
theres light and rainbows all around
im transparent. im clear, unclouded
u see in me what YOU want to see
ive been bitten by all the little birds, i sheltered from the storm
now all i want is to be alone
im broken, cracked, shattered, scattered, parts of me lost in the wind
i need to turn. to turn to stone.
if pigs could fly ...
if we could get, on demand
either death, or a second chance
if we could chose what we bore
and what lit up the smiles we wore
if every dog had a day
if we got something, for every price we pay
if love was even, in give and take
or if love came alone, without want, or ache
if everyone loved cats and dogs
and all the old and the children never hurt
if music and humour were universal
and if i could write ... to save my life ;)
another weekend. each friday i tell myself that monday will never come. but it does. thank god. imagine how boring life would be with nothing to crib about :)
so much has happened - as always - i have much to write about. but not here. this blog has become too public. so ill hold it for a while as far as this ones concerned.
either death, or a second chance
if we could chose what we bore
and what lit up the smiles we wore
if every dog had a day
if we got something, for every price we pay
if love was even, in give and take
or if love came alone, without want, or ache
if everyone loved cats and dogs
and all the old and the children never hurt
if music and humour were universal
and if i could write ... to save my life ;)
another weekend. each friday i tell myself that monday will never come. but it does. thank god. imagine how boring life would be with nothing to crib about :)
so much has happened - as always - i have much to write about. but not here. this blog has become too public. so ill hold it for a while as far as this ones concerned.
forward
i received these two fwds early this morning. couldnt resist ...
Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears.
Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your stress.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
- But FART!! just ONE time... And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
BUT THE BEST IS:
http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf
Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears.
Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your stress.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
- But FART!! just ONE time... And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
BUT THE BEST IS:
http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf
the da vinci code
im reading this book which i just cant seem to put down. its almost down. i read 424 pages in between saturday morning and sunday morning ... after which i had to be out with the family ... but theres no rahul to gloat so ... :)
its really exciting. it talks about chirst and mary magadelan and a secret sect called the priori of scion and the knights templar.
the last time i read something that seemed so exciting AND real was 'mary queen of scotts' ... but who knows whats true. like the book says ... history instrinsically means the story of he who won. who knows what really happened. but its a fascinating read.
its really exciting. it talks about chirst and mary magadelan and a secret sect called the priori of scion and the knights templar.
the last time i read something that seemed so exciting AND real was 'mary queen of scotts' ... but who knows whats true. like the book says ... history instrinsically means the story of he who won. who knows what really happened. but its a fascinating read.
song in my head - after years now
She grew up with
The children of the stars
In the hollywood hills and the boulevard
Her parents threw big parties
Everyone was there
They hung out with folks like
Dennis Hopper, Bob Seeger, Sonny and Cher
Now, she feels safe
In this bar on fairfax
And from the stage I can tell that
She can't let go and she can't relax
And just before
She hangs her head to cry
I sing to her a lullaby, I sing
Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
She still lives with her mom
Outside the city
Down that street about a half a mile
And all her friends tell her
She's so pretty
But she'd be a whole lot prettier
If she smiled once in a while
`Cause even her smile
Looks like a frown
She's seen her share of devils
In this angel town
But, everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
I told her I ain't so sure
About this place
It's hard to play a gig in this town
And keep a straight face
Seems like everyone here's got a plan
It's kind of like nashville with a tan, but,
Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
Lullaby - Shawn Mullins
there are two kinds of people in this world. people with broken hearts and those who dont know heartache. yet.
there are two kind of children in this world. children from "different" families. and those with "normal" parents.
there are only two things that happen with some kinds of pain. u forget for a while. or you remember. it never finishes. or heals. or goes away.
yes, she seems like a really bad person at times. have u ever wondered why? she was born a princess. she used be like an angel. she used to be a flower. now she's just dried grass. who did this to her? did she? but why? have u ever wondered why? now u cant save her. all of u betrayed her. just leave her in alone. maybe she will heal. maybe she will grow past it. un-whole. limping. broken. but alive ... is that what you wanted. just stop attacking her.
either the problem is the basic premise that life is supposed to be joyful... or the problem is with the absence of joy. the root of sorrow, in this case hatred. deep, unbearable self hatred ... like a bowl of acid held in ur inner most core -which spills a little each time u are shaken. why would u hate urself? bcz ur not good enough. bcz ur not as good as what u want to be. bcz "there's only one winner and everyone else is an also-ran"
if u were standing in the center of a whirlpool and u saw someone u liked approach ... what should you do? push them away? shout out - dont come near? or just shut up and crouch low and hope they dont see you?"
who do you go to when u are overwhelmingly excited? abysmally sad? hopeless lost? unreasonably happy? when u come undone? it a leap of faith? trusting someone intentions is easy. but trusting their ability to help you comes hard after uve fallen so many times. have you ever felt the hunger for a grownup? a lean-ee? have you ever felt tired of being grownup for everyone around? making allowances? swallowing hurt? and pride? telling urself it wasnt meant that way. that its ok?
The children of the stars
In the hollywood hills and the boulevard
Her parents threw big parties
Everyone was there
They hung out with folks like
Dennis Hopper, Bob Seeger, Sonny and Cher
Now, she feels safe
In this bar on fairfax
And from the stage I can tell that
She can't let go and she can't relax
And just before
She hangs her head to cry
I sing to her a lullaby, I sing
Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
She still lives with her mom
Outside the city
Down that street about a half a mile
And all her friends tell her
She's so pretty
But she'd be a whole lot prettier
If she smiled once in a while
`Cause even her smile
Looks like a frown
She's seen her share of devils
In this angel town
But, everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
I told her I ain't so sure
About this place
It's hard to play a gig in this town
And keep a straight face
Seems like everyone here's got a plan
It's kind of like nashville with a tan, but,
Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
Lullaby - Shawn Mullins
there are two kinds of people in this world. people with broken hearts and those who dont know heartache. yet.
there are two kind of children in this world. children from "different" families. and those with "normal" parents.
there are only two things that happen with some kinds of pain. u forget for a while. or you remember. it never finishes. or heals. or goes away.
yes, she seems like a really bad person at times. have u ever wondered why? she was born a princess. she used be like an angel. she used to be a flower. now she's just dried grass. who did this to her? did she? but why? have u ever wondered why? now u cant save her. all of u betrayed her. just leave her in alone. maybe she will heal. maybe she will grow past it. un-whole. limping. broken. but alive ... is that what you wanted. just stop attacking her.
either the problem is the basic premise that life is supposed to be joyful... or the problem is with the absence of joy. the root of sorrow, in this case hatred. deep, unbearable self hatred ... like a bowl of acid held in ur inner most core -which spills a little each time u are shaken. why would u hate urself? bcz ur not good enough. bcz ur not as good as what u want to be. bcz "there's only one winner and everyone else is an also-ran"
if u were standing in the center of a whirlpool and u saw someone u liked approach ... what should you do? push them away? shout out - dont come near? or just shut up and crouch low and hope they dont see you?"
who do you go to when u are overwhelmingly excited? abysmally sad? hopeless lost? unreasonably happy? when u come undone? it a leap of faith? trusting someone intentions is easy. but trusting their ability to help you comes hard after uve fallen so many times. have you ever felt the hunger for a grownup? a lean-ee? have you ever felt tired of being grownup for everyone around? making allowances? swallowing hurt? and pride? telling urself it wasnt meant that way. that its ok?
keep coming back to you ...
i tried to stay away, but i couldnt. yesterday, though i was itching to write, i had so much work that it was easier to let sense prevail. but this morning, it was 26 degrees out. woke up early and wore my favourite saree to work. the sky was like a child with brimming eyes ... tears just about to fall. dark, yet glowing. theres a strange light in the sky today. i got in early. i did the blog roll. and i couldnt bear it any more ... so here i am (no rocking, pls) :)
had a hectic week or two. something lined up after work every evening. met ghatak last night. AWESOME! he hasnt changed a bit! he just looks more relaxed though. more at ease with himself. FTII agrees with him. makes me miss Pune. and Vani & Pills. those long evenings at ftii - just chilling and doing nothing at all
met ad too ... it makes me feel so much better. staying at home. having them accessible. these are my real family. jinx, chatts, sauce, ad, barbie, juls, brat, buro, vani, pills, rahul bhaiya ... and all my friends.
being out there, on ur own is ok. but u have been on ur gaurd so long, uve been hurt so long, that the shell, gradually hardening, grows thicker and thicker ... growing inwards, and squeezing out out the light inside. till one day, u freeze. till one day, u die. but now im coming back to life. now that im with friends all around again.
sharakkhun bandhu bandhu kore mete thaakle hobe! bandhura kemon chhata diye
matha rokkha korbe aami dekhe nebo ... korbe ma. orai kore. baachiye rakhe. 'when ur in need of love they give u care and affection'. they make life worth living. good friends, bad friends. time pass friends, soul friends. new friends, old friends. blog friends, work friends, rotaract friends, school friends, college friends, 'just found them here and there' friends ... and a AWOL-desperately-needed-right-now best friend ;)
Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun
had a hectic week or two. something lined up after work every evening. met ghatak last night. AWESOME! he hasnt changed a bit! he just looks more relaxed though. more at ease with himself. FTII agrees with him. makes me miss Pune. and Vani & Pills. those long evenings at ftii - just chilling and doing nothing at all
met ad too ... it makes me feel so much better. staying at home. having them accessible. these are my real family. jinx, chatts, sauce, ad, barbie, juls, brat, buro, vani, pills, rahul bhaiya ... and all my friends.
being out there, on ur own is ok. but u have been on ur gaurd so long, uve been hurt so long, that the shell, gradually hardening, grows thicker and thicker ... growing inwards, and squeezing out out the light inside. till one day, u freeze. till one day, u die. but now im coming back to life. now that im with friends all around again.
sharakkhun bandhu bandhu kore mete thaakle hobe! bandhura kemon chhata diye
matha rokkha korbe aami dekhe nebo ... korbe ma. orai kore. baachiye rakhe. 'when ur in need of love they give u care and affection'. they make life worth living. good friends, bad friends. time pass friends, soul friends. new friends, old friends. blog friends, work friends, rotaract friends, school friends, college friends, 'just found them here and there' friends ... and a AWOL-desperately-needed-right-now best friend ;)
Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun
MVS - Tape Vs Disk Storage - Notes (From some website)
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
http://www.techweb.com/encyclopedia/
http://www.universalsoft.com/vtacomparisons.htm.
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
www.mainframes.com/jcl/backupHFS.txt
www.chicago-soft.com/gref/ibmlist.html
www.planetmvs.com/humour/slang.html
=================================
Virtual Tape Systems for IBM Mainframes
A comparative analysis
VTA | VTA Introduction | Questionaire | Cost Worksheets | VTA Performance | Home
Virtual Tape concepts for IBM Mainframes
Mainframe virtual tape is typically defined as magnetic tape file images stored on disk. In reality it is a little more subtle than that. Most discussions of virtual tape focus on the advantages of virtual tape vs. real tape. That begs the question, if it is better to store files on disk, why store them on tape in the first place. Since the earliest versions of OS/360 and DOS/360, programs could easily choose between disk or tape devices for data file storage. If a program was written to use tape, it is generally a trivial matter to change the program to use disk instead. In fact in most cases the program need not be changed at all, just the JCL (Job Control Language) statements which describe the input and output files used by the program.
If that is the case, why do we need “virtual tape” which uses disk but pretends to be tape? The answer is that in most data centers, there are hundreds or even thousands of jobs that are set up to use magnetic tape. Many of these jobs have been running unchanged for many years. Although changing one job to use disk is trivial, changing thousands of jobs is quite another matter.
You also might wonder why would you want to change jobs that are working perfectly to use disk instead of tape. There are many reasons to store data files on disk instead of tape. Unattended operation is probably the biggest one. The following paragraphs discuss the advantages of disk and the advantages of tape. For the most part, the advantages of virtual tape are the same as the advantages of using disk in the first place, except that existing jobs which have been set up to use tape, can now use virtual tape with little or no change. The IBM VTS home page has a very compelling white paper on the virtues of virtual tape.
Disk vs. tape for storage.
This has been a subject of ongoing debate for as long as there have been computers. For any given job or application, the best choice for storage today might not be the best choice tomorrow. Rapid advances in technology keep changing the grounds rules, ie.. those factors on which such decisions are based. For instance, although the cost of disk is still higher than the cost of tape, as it always has been, the cost of computer operators has continued to increase as the cost of computers and storage has gone down.
Advantages of tape.
Cost. The cost per megabyte of tape is still considerably less than disk as long as it is utilized to near its capacity. Most installations have many legacy tape jobs which have been in use for many years since the time when disk was extremely expensive. Even as recently as the early 1990's mainframe disk space was priced as high as $12,000.00 per gigabyte.
Portability. Tapes are removable and can be taken off site. This makes tape a good choice for backups. Tape has traditionally been used for bulk data interchange applications as well.
Scalability. Tape is infinitely scalable. You can always buy more tapes at a very small incremental cost.
Disadvantages of tape.
Operator dependence. Mounting and dismounting of tapes is quite operator intensive, especially where lots of small files are involved. Physical labeling of tapes, storing and retrieving of tapes from racks, also contribute to expensive, inefficient and error prone operation by today’s standards. Nowadays the elimination of one computer operator can pay for multi terabytes of disk storage each year, year after year.
Underutilization. Often times, tapes contain only a single relatively small file. This contributes greatly to the loss of much of the cost per megabyte advantage.
Overall throughput. In general, disk is faster than tape. When load, unload and rewind times are considered, along with operator mounting and dismounting times, the total cost advantage is usually lost.
Device contention. Only one program at a time can access a tape drive. Although tape cartridges are very inexpensive, the actual tape drives and control units are not. Additional drives equates to additional floor space and other environmental considerations in addition to the acquisition and maintenance costs for the drives.
Tape management and automated tape libraries.
The above disadvantages have been addressed in several ways. Most notably, tape file management and stacking software address the underutilization and tape labeling issues while greatly reducing operator errors. Automatic tape libraries are also available to eliminate the dependence on the operator. While these solutions may be cost justified, they are certainly not cheap. Furthermore, while file stacking addresses the underutilization issue, it is at the expense of efficient file access, especially when retrieving a file near the end of the tape.
Advantages of disk storage.
Share ability. Disk devices, also known as Dasd (direct access storage devices) can be concurrently accessed by many programs simultaneously with generally little performance impact, effectively eliminating scheduling bottlenecks.
Efficient space utilization. Generally speaking, many, many files can be stored on a single disk storage device with little wasted space.
Efficient file access. Files can be accessed and opened practically instantaneously. It is not necessary to scan past one or even several other files to reach the desired file as it is with tape files.
No operator intervention. Since generally, disk storage devices are always on line, there is no dependence on the operator. Jobs run basically unattended unless a problem occurs.
Disadvantages of disk storage.
Cost. It will always be less expensive to buy a few more tape cartridges.
Scalability. Of course you can buy more disk. You just can’t buy a ‘little bit’ more disk.
Back to the virtual tape discussion.
As has been stated earlier, the case for virtual tape vs. real tape is basically the same as the case for disk vs. tape but without the need to convert existing tape jobs individually. The point of all this is simply that all virtual tape systems have the same basic advantages over real tape as described above. Most virtual tape discussion is limited to those points presented above. Its as if each VTS vendor thinks they are the only VTS vendor.
The following paragraphs discuss the various types and approaches to virtual tape in contrast specifically to the most popular VTS system which is the Magstar VTS from IBM. The Magstar VTS was introduced in 1997 and has enjoyed great success in large MVS, OS/390 and now Z/OS installations. In general it has been considered much too expensive for use in smaller MVS and VM or VSE shops. Very recently, other VTS systems have begun to emerge, some of which are downward scalable and affordable to the smaller S/390 mainframe community. These systems are based on different technological approaches as described below.
IBM Magstar VTS.
This is by far the most sophisticated but also by far the most expensive solution. The Magstar VTS uses dedicated special purpose Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. The IBM white papers extol the virtues of virtual tape compared to real tape. These advantages are true of all virtual tape systems. In particular, the entry level cost for the Magstar VTS makes it feasible only for fairly large mainframe data centers.
Other proprietary virtual tape systems.
Storage-Tek and one or two other similar brands of VTS also use proprietary dedicated Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. They are similarly sophisticated and expensive.
Software only, virtual tape.
These systems intercept I/O requests intended for tape devices and redirect the request to utilize mainframe Dasd instead of mainframe tape. These systems are relatively inexpensive and provide unattended operation. Some of these systems use compression to minimize the use of the expensive mainframe Dasd. In most cases the mainframe Dasd is only used temporarily. The virtual tape files are then stacked and offloaded to real tape thus addressing the under utilization issue. The only drawback to this approach is the trade off of efficient accessability vs. the cost of expensive mainframe Dasd. The more mainframe Dasd is made available, the more efficient is the access to the files. However, mainframe Dasd is by far the most expensive storage medium.
Open storage virtual tape systems.
These systems utilize open network based raid disk storage for storing the virtual tape images. In general, open network storage is much less expensive than mainframe Dasd. These systems provide unattended operation, efficient use of storage, and instant accessability for the raid resident virtual tapes. These systems are generally accompanied by hierarchical storage management systems which eventually migrate some of the virtual tape files, stacking them on large capacity tapes. The concept is the same as above, but the network based storage is generally so inexpensive by comparison, that real tape is only used for long term archival purposes.
Even off site backup and disaster recovery procedures are now possible whereby mainframe backup virtual tapes are compressed and then transmitted (zipped and shipped) off site rather than having physical tapes sent by messenger. Some companies historically have created two sets of backup tapes, one to keep on site and another off site. This virtual tape approach eliminates the need for such duplication.
Comparing the various VTS systems.
The following paragraphs contrast the various VTS technologies with respect to their strengths and weaknesses.
Acquisition cost.
Least expensive to acquire per emulated tape drive are the “software only” VTS systems. However, the cost per resident on line virtual tape file is quite high due to the use of mainframe Dasd. These systems can be quite effective for temporary files and for a small number of fairly small generation data sets. For backup and disaster recovery applications these systems have certain innate limitations. For instance, if mainframe Dasd is used for the virtual tape images, then most disaster scenarios would wipe out both the master files and the backups. If the virtual backup tapes must be offloaded to tape anyway, then the original step which created the virtual tape in the first place is somewhat irrelevant. Some software only solutions include transmitting the virtual tape images to a network PC via TCP/IP. This approach puts a major strain on both mainframe CPU cycles and network bandwidth.
At the high end, the Magstar VTS and the STK VSM products are designed and priced for the very large IBM mainframe installation, primarily OS/390 and Z/OS environments. The use of dedicated, proprietary Raid storage contributes to the high acquisition cost. Reliability and serviceability through hardware redundancy is paramount with these systems. Multiple channel paths and sophisticated caching provide excellent performance but make these systems unaffordable to the smaller shop.
Channel attached VTS systems which utilize open networked storage such as the Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software provide a very affordable entry level price point while at the same time they provide virtually unlimited scalable capacity. The use of open storage and servers allows a wide range of price performance and reliability options to suit the needs of any installation, large or small.
Scalability.
Most virtual tape systems are not very scalable by their nature. The IBM Magstar and the STK VSM are examples. These systems are certainly not downward scalable due to their high entry level cost. Increasing the amount of dedicated Raid disk storage in small increments is not usually feasible either. Furthermore, the Raid storage is generally so expensive that a relatively small amount is generally purchased simply as a caching front end to an automatic tape library. At any given time, only a small percentage of the virtual tape images are on line in the Raid cache. These on line virtual tapes benefit from the direct accessability of the Raid storage, while the majority of the virtual tape files have been stacked for efficient utilization on the real, large capacity tapes in the automatic tape library. Remember, the utilization efficiency of the stacking leads to inefficient retrieval of the files further in to the real tape. Also, the automatic tape library itself is not very scalable. You are normally advised to buy more ATL capacity than you will ever need because when you run out of slots you can’t simply just buy “a few more slots”.
The software only VTS systems are only as scalable as the extra available mainframe Dasd capacity allows.
Open storage based VTS systems like the USI Virtual Tape Appliance, are extremely scalable by contrast however. They are very affordable at low capacity entry levels, and adding more capacity in small increments is as simple as adding another NAS device, or another server to the network. In fact, reliable open network storage is now so affordable that it is often feasible to have all the virtual tape images or certainly a high percentage of them always on line in Raid storage. If an ATL back end is required, there are many more network compatible brands and models to choose from, for the ATL as well as the Raid Dasd itself. You are not locked in to the few more expensive mainframe compatible brands. The use of open file systems for the virtual tapes also opens the door to the use of any of several brands of HSM( Hierarchical Storage Management) packages as well. The HSM software manages the movement of the virtual tape images between the Raid and an Automatic Tape Library.
Performance.
Almost all the Virtual tape solutions perform well compared with real tape, especially when rewind and operator mount times are considered.. Device scheduling, reduced reruns due to operator errors are additional throughput considerations. When comparing the performance of the various VTS systems one to another, an ironic observation becomes apparent. Virtual tape systems perform very well as long as the virtual tape image is in disk cache. When the virtual tape has been migrated off to an Automatic Tape Library, the VTS performance suffers a double whammy. It takes longer to access the virtual tape file, especially if the file has been stacked near the end of a large capacity reel. Secondly, the virtual tape must then be reloaded to the cache in its entirety before it can be opened by the mainframe. The net effect of this is that the ratio of tape files online in cache vs. those which have been offloaded to real tape, becomes an important determinating factor of overall performance. The irony is that the high end systems are the most adversely affected by this factor because of cost. In fact, reliable, open networked storage has become so inexpensive and so easily extended that you may be able to keep all your tape images on disk. Real tape can then be reserved for long term archival purposes or for files which must be shipped to another data center for instance. Even backup and disaster recovery tapes may not necessarily be required to be offloaded. Current high bandwidth communications, along with compression, snap shot capability, remote mirroring and other state of the art storage technologies enable very affordable off site backup and restore via network transmission, without the need for shipping real tapes by courier.
Summary.
Virtual tape has many advantages over real tape, and will most often yield a rapid return on investment. If you have not yet invested in the high end IBM or STK solution, you should investigate an open storage based VTS system. These systems provide very affordable, scalable, reliable and efficient virtual tape capability while providing excellent investment protection. A feature comparison of the Bus-tech Mas and the Universal Software VTA follows.
Cost.
The USI VTA has a lower entry price point and is generally less expensive for equivalent capacity.
Scalability.
The USI VTA offers greater configurational flexibility allowing price, performance, reliability and capacity trade offs tailored to the users requirements.
Operation.
The Bus-tech Mas (and most other VTS systems) are quite dependent on mainframe tape management software. The USI VTA interfaces with any tape management software, but also provides its own built in management functions and GUI operator interface for unrivaled ease of use even without a tape manager.
Compatibility.
The USI VTA is built upon the MS Windows platform and file system. This allows incorporation of the widest possible complimentary functionality. The VTA is therefore compatible with any HSM or other Windows based software applications as well as any tape or disk or any other device which supports MS Windows. The MAS is Linux based, which may limit its compatibility.
Generic I/O System interface.
The USI VTA is also architecturally compatible with the popular GENIOS system from USI. GENIOS allows heterogeneous data interchange between IBM mainframes and open networked systems. GENIOS supports print and disk file sharing as well as tape.
Conclusion.
Virtual tape is fast becoming an essential part of the modern data center. Several new products are available which make it more affordable than ever. The Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software is one such product which provides affordable and scalable capacity with extraordinary functionality and ease of use.
posted by Prerona at 6:25 AM 0 comments
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
http://www.techweb.com/encyclopedia/
http://www.universalsoft.com/vtacomparisons.htm.
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
www.mainframes.com/jcl/backupHFS.txt
www.chicago-soft.com/gref/ibmlist.html
www.planetmvs.com/humour/slang.html
=================================
Virtual Tape Systems for IBM Mainframes
A comparative analysis
VTA | VTA Introduction | Questionaire | Cost Worksheets | VTA Performance | Home
Virtual Tape concepts for IBM Mainframes
Mainframe virtual tape is typically defined as magnetic tape file images stored on disk. In reality it is a little more subtle than that. Most discussions of virtual tape focus on the advantages of virtual tape vs. real tape. That begs the question, if it is better to store files on disk, why store them on tape in the first place. Since the earliest versions of OS/360 and DOS/360, programs could easily choose between disk or tape devices for data file storage. If a program was written to use tape, it is generally a trivial matter to change the program to use disk instead. In fact in most cases the program need not be changed at all, just the JCL (Job Control Language) statements which describe the input and output files used by the program.
If that is the case, why do we need “virtual tape” which uses disk but pretends to be tape? The answer is that in most data centers, there are hundreds or even thousands of jobs that are set up to use magnetic tape. Many of these jobs have been running unchanged for many years. Although changing one job to use disk is trivial, changing thousands of jobs is quite another matter.
You also might wonder why would you want to change jobs that are working perfectly to use disk instead of tape. There are many reasons to store data files on disk instead of tape. Unattended operation is probably the biggest one. The following paragraphs discuss the advantages of disk and the advantages of tape. For the most part, the advantages of virtual tape are the same as the advantages of using disk in the first place, except that existing jobs which have been set up to use tape, can now use virtual tape with little or no change. The IBM VTS home page has a very compelling white paper on the virtues of virtual tape.
Disk vs. tape for storage.
This has been a subject of ongoing debate for as long as there have been computers. For any given job or application, the best choice for storage today might not be the best choice tomorrow. Rapid advances in technology keep changing the grounds rules, ie.. those factors on which such decisions are based. For instance, although the cost of disk is still higher than the cost of tape, as it always has been, the cost of computer operators has continued to increase as the cost of computers and storage has gone down.
Advantages of tape.
Cost. The cost per megabyte of tape is still considerably less than disk as long as it is utilized to near its capacity. Most installations have many legacy tape jobs which have been in use for many years since the time when disk was extremely expensive. Even as recently as the early 1990's mainframe disk space was priced as high as $12,000.00 per gigabyte.
Portability. Tapes are removable and can be taken off site. This makes tape a good choice for backups. Tape has traditionally been used for bulk data interchange applications as well.
Scalability. Tape is infinitely scalable. You can always buy more tapes at a very small incremental cost.
Disadvantages of tape.
Operator dependence. Mounting and dismounting of tapes is quite operator intensive, especially where lots of small files are involved. Physical labeling of tapes, storing and retrieving of tapes from racks, also contribute to expensive, inefficient and error prone operation by today’s standards. Nowadays the elimination of one computer operator can pay for multi terabytes of disk storage each year, year after year.
Underutilization. Often times, tapes contain only a single relatively small file. This contributes greatly to the loss of much of the cost per megabyte advantage.
Overall throughput. In general, disk is faster than tape. When load, unload and rewind times are considered, along with operator mounting and dismounting times, the total cost advantage is usually lost.
Device contention. Only one program at a time can access a tape drive. Although tape cartridges are very inexpensive, the actual tape drives and control units are not. Additional drives equates to additional floor space and other environmental considerations in addition to the acquisition and maintenance costs for the drives.
Tape management and automated tape libraries.
The above disadvantages have been addressed in several ways. Most notably, tape file management and stacking software address the underutilization and tape labeling issues while greatly reducing operator errors. Automatic tape libraries are also available to eliminate the dependence on the operator. While these solutions may be cost justified, they are certainly not cheap. Furthermore, while file stacking addresses the underutilization issue, it is at the expense of efficient file access, especially when retrieving a file near the end of the tape.
Advantages of disk storage.
Share ability. Disk devices, also known as Dasd (direct access storage devices) can be concurrently accessed by many programs simultaneously with generally little performance impact, effectively eliminating scheduling bottlenecks.
Efficient space utilization. Generally speaking, many, many files can be stored on a single disk storage device with little wasted space.
Efficient file access. Files can be accessed and opened practically instantaneously. It is not necessary to scan past one or even several other files to reach the desired file as it is with tape files.
No operator intervention. Since generally, disk storage devices are always on line, there is no dependence on the operator. Jobs run basically unattended unless a problem occurs.
Disadvantages of disk storage.
Cost. It will always be less expensive to buy a few more tape cartridges.
Scalability. Of course you can buy more disk. You just can’t buy a ‘little bit’ more disk.
Back to the virtual tape discussion.
As has been stated earlier, the case for virtual tape vs. real tape is basically the same as the case for disk vs. tape but without the need to convert existing tape jobs individually. The point of all this is simply that all virtual tape systems have the same basic advantages over real tape as described above. Most virtual tape discussion is limited to those points presented above. Its as if each VTS vendor thinks they are the only VTS vendor.
The following paragraphs discuss the various types and approaches to virtual tape in contrast specifically to the most popular VTS system which is the Magstar VTS from IBM. The Magstar VTS was introduced in 1997 and has enjoyed great success in large MVS, OS/390 and now Z/OS installations. In general it has been considered much too expensive for use in smaller MVS and VM or VSE shops. Very recently, other VTS systems have begun to emerge, some of which are downward scalable and affordable to the smaller S/390 mainframe community. These systems are based on different technological approaches as described below.
IBM Magstar VTS.
This is by far the most sophisticated but also by far the most expensive solution. The Magstar VTS uses dedicated special purpose Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. The IBM white papers extol the virtues of virtual tape compared to real tape. These advantages are true of all virtual tape systems. In particular, the entry level cost for the Magstar VTS makes it feasible only for fairly large mainframe data centers.
Other proprietary virtual tape systems.
Storage-Tek and one or two other similar brands of VTS also use proprietary dedicated Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. They are similarly sophisticated and expensive.
Software only, virtual tape.
These systems intercept I/O requests intended for tape devices and redirect the request to utilize mainframe Dasd instead of mainframe tape. These systems are relatively inexpensive and provide unattended operation. Some of these systems use compression to minimize the use of the expensive mainframe Dasd. In most cases the mainframe Dasd is only used temporarily. The virtual tape files are then stacked and offloaded to real tape thus addressing the under utilization issue. The only drawback to this approach is the trade off of efficient accessability vs. the cost of expensive mainframe Dasd. The more mainframe Dasd is made available, the more efficient is the access to the files. However, mainframe Dasd is by far the most expensive storage medium.
Open storage virtual tape systems.
These systems utilize open network based raid disk storage for storing the virtual tape images. In general, open network storage is much less expensive than mainframe Dasd. These systems provide unattended operation, efficient use of storage, and instant accessability for the raid resident virtual tapes. These systems are generally accompanied by hierarchical storage management systems which eventually migrate some of the virtual tape files, stacking them on large capacity tapes. The concept is the same as above, but the network based storage is generally so inexpensive by comparison, that real tape is only used for long term archival purposes.
Even off site backup and disaster recovery procedures are now possible whereby mainframe backup virtual tapes are compressed and then transmitted (zipped and shipped) off site rather than having physical tapes sent by messenger. Some companies historically have created two sets of backup tapes, one to keep on site and another off site. This virtual tape approach eliminates the need for such duplication.
Comparing the various VTS systems.
The following paragraphs contrast the various VTS technologies with respect to their strengths and weaknesses.
Acquisition cost.
Least expensive to acquire per emulated tape drive are the “software only” VTS systems. However, the cost per resident on line virtual tape file is quite high due to the use of mainframe Dasd. These systems can be quite effective for temporary files and for a small number of fairly small generation data sets. For backup and disaster recovery applications these systems have certain innate limitations. For instance, if mainframe Dasd is used for the virtual tape images, then most disaster scenarios would wipe out both the master files and the backups. If the virtual backup tapes must be offloaded to tape anyway, then the original step which created the virtual tape in the first place is somewhat irrelevant. Some software only solutions include transmitting the virtual tape images to a network PC via TCP/IP. This approach puts a major strain on both mainframe CPU cycles and network bandwidth.
At the high end, the Magstar VTS and the STK VSM products are designed and priced for the very large IBM mainframe installation, primarily OS/390 and Z/OS environments. The use of dedicated, proprietary Raid storage contributes to the high acquisition cost. Reliability and serviceability through hardware redundancy is paramount with these systems. Multiple channel paths and sophisticated caching provide excellent performance but make these systems unaffordable to the smaller shop.
Channel attached VTS systems which utilize open networked storage such as the Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software provide a very affordable entry level price point while at the same time they provide virtually unlimited scalable capacity. The use of open storage and servers allows a wide range of price performance and reliability options to suit the needs of any installation, large or small.
Scalability.
Most virtual tape systems are not very scalable by their nature. The IBM Magstar and the STK VSM are examples. These systems are certainly not downward scalable due to their high entry level cost. Increasing the amount of dedicated Raid disk storage in small increments is not usually feasible either. Furthermore, the Raid storage is generally so expensive that a relatively small amount is generally purchased simply as a caching front end to an automatic tape library. At any given time, only a small percentage of the virtual tape images are on line in the Raid cache. These on line virtual tapes benefit from the direct accessability of the Raid storage, while the majority of the virtual tape files have been stacked for efficient utilization on the real, large capacity tapes in the automatic tape library. Remember, the utilization efficiency of the stacking leads to inefficient retrieval of the files further in to the real tape. Also, the automatic tape library itself is not very scalable. You are normally advised to buy more ATL capacity than you will ever need because when you run out of slots you can’t simply just buy “a few more slots”.
The software only VTS systems are only as scalable as the extra available mainframe Dasd capacity allows.
Open storage based VTS systems like the USI Virtual Tape Appliance, are extremely scalable by contrast however. They are very affordable at low capacity entry levels, and adding more capacity in small increments is as simple as adding another NAS device, or another server to the network. In fact, reliable open network storage is now so affordable that it is often feasible to have all the virtual tape images or certainly a high percentage of them always on line in Raid storage. If an ATL back end is required, there are many more network compatible brands and models to choose from, for the ATL as well as the Raid Dasd itself. You are not locked in to the few more expensive mainframe compatible brands. The use of open file systems for the virtual tapes also opens the door to the use of any of several brands of HSM( Hierarchical Storage Management) packages as well. The HSM software manages the movement of the virtual tape images between the Raid and an Automatic Tape Library.
Performance.
Almost all the Virtual tape solutions perform well compared with real tape, especially when rewind and operator mount times are considered.. Device scheduling, reduced reruns due to operator errors are additional throughput considerations. When comparing the performance of the various VTS systems one to another, an ironic observation becomes apparent. Virtual tape systems perform very well as long as the virtual tape image is in disk cache. When the virtual tape has been migrated off to an Automatic Tape Library, the VTS performance suffers a double whammy. It takes longer to access the virtual tape file, especially if the file has been stacked near the end of a large capacity reel. Secondly, the virtual tape must then be reloaded to the cache in its entirety before it can be opened by the mainframe. The net effect of this is that the ratio of tape files online in cache vs. those which have been offloaded to real tape, becomes an important determinating factor of overall performance. The irony is that the high end systems are the most adversely affected by this factor because of cost. In fact, reliable, open networked storage has become so inexpensive and so easily extended that you may be able to keep all your tape images on disk. Real tape can then be reserved for long term archival purposes or for files which must be shipped to another data center for instance. Even backup and disaster recovery tapes may not necessarily be required to be offloaded. Current high bandwidth communications, along with compression, snap shot capability, remote mirroring and other state of the art storage technologies enable very affordable off site backup and restore via network transmission, without the need for shipping real tapes by courier.
Summary.
Virtual tape has many advantages over real tape, and will most often yield a rapid return on investment. If you have not yet invested in the high end IBM or STK solution, you should investigate an open storage based VTS system. These systems provide very affordable, scalable, reliable and efficient virtual tape capability while providing excellent investment protection. A feature comparison of the Bus-tech Mas and the Universal Software VTA follows.
Cost.
The USI VTA has a lower entry price point and is generally less expensive for equivalent capacity.
Scalability.
The USI VTA offers greater configurational flexibility allowing price, performance, reliability and capacity trade offs tailored to the users requirements.
Operation.
The Bus-tech Mas (and most other VTS systems) are quite dependent on mainframe tape management software. The USI VTA interfaces with any tape management software, but also provides its own built in management functions and GUI operator interface for unrivaled ease of use even without a tape manager.
Compatibility.
The USI VTA is built upon the MS Windows platform and file system. This allows incorporation of the widest possible complimentary functionality. The VTA is therefore compatible with any HSM or other Windows based software applications as well as any tape or disk or any other device which supports MS Windows. The MAS is Linux based, which may limit its compatibility.
Generic I/O System interface.
The USI VTA is also architecturally compatible with the popular GENIOS system from USI. GENIOS allows heterogeneous data interchange between IBM mainframes and open networked systems. GENIOS supports print and disk file sharing as well as tape.
Conclusion.
Virtual tape is fast becoming an essential part of the modern data center. Several new products are available which make it more affordable than ever. The Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software is one such product which provides affordable and scalable capacity with extraordinary functionality and ease of use.
posted by Prerona at 6:25 AM 0 comments
http://www.techweb.com/encyclopedia/
http://www.universalsoft.com/vtacomparisons.htm.
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
www.mainframes.com/jcl/backupHFS.txt
www.chicago-soft.com/gref/ibmlist.html
www.planetmvs.com/humour/slang.html
=================================
Virtual Tape Systems for IBM Mainframes
A comparative analysis
VTA | VTA Introduction | Questionaire | Cost Worksheets | VTA Performance | Home
Virtual Tape concepts for IBM Mainframes
Mainframe virtual tape is typically defined as magnetic tape file images stored on disk. In reality it is a little more subtle than that. Most discussions of virtual tape focus on the advantages of virtual tape vs. real tape. That begs the question, if it is better to store files on disk, why store them on tape in the first place. Since the earliest versions of OS/360 and DOS/360, programs could easily choose between disk or tape devices for data file storage. If a program was written to use tape, it is generally a trivial matter to change the program to use disk instead. In fact in most cases the program need not be changed at all, just the JCL (Job Control Language) statements which describe the input and output files used by the program.
If that is the case, why do we need “virtual tape” which uses disk but pretends to be tape? The answer is that in most data centers, there are hundreds or even thousands of jobs that are set up to use magnetic tape. Many of these jobs have been running unchanged for many years. Although changing one job to use disk is trivial, changing thousands of jobs is quite another matter.
You also might wonder why would you want to change jobs that are working perfectly to use disk instead of tape. There are many reasons to store data files on disk instead of tape. Unattended operation is probably the biggest one. The following paragraphs discuss the advantages of disk and the advantages of tape. For the most part, the advantages of virtual tape are the same as the advantages of using disk in the first place, except that existing jobs which have been set up to use tape, can now use virtual tape with little or no change. The IBM VTS home page has a very compelling white paper on the virtues of virtual tape.
Disk vs. tape for storage.
This has been a subject of ongoing debate for as long as there have been computers. For any given job or application, the best choice for storage today might not be the best choice tomorrow. Rapid advances in technology keep changing the grounds rules, ie.. those factors on which such decisions are based. For instance, although the cost of disk is still higher than the cost of tape, as it always has been, the cost of computer operators has continued to increase as the cost of computers and storage has gone down.
Advantages of tape.
Cost. The cost per megabyte of tape is still considerably less than disk as long as it is utilized to near its capacity. Most installations have many legacy tape jobs which have been in use for many years since the time when disk was extremely expensive. Even as recently as the early 1990's mainframe disk space was priced as high as $12,000.00 per gigabyte.
Portability. Tapes are removable and can be taken off site. This makes tape a good choice for backups. Tape has traditionally been used for bulk data interchange applications as well.
Scalability. Tape is infinitely scalable. You can always buy more tapes at a very small incremental cost.
Disadvantages of tape.
Operator dependence. Mounting and dismounting of tapes is quite operator intensive, especially where lots of small files are involved. Physical labeling of tapes, storing and retrieving of tapes from racks, also contribute to expensive, inefficient and error prone operation by today’s standards. Nowadays the elimination of one computer operator can pay for multi terabytes of disk storage each year, year after year.
Underutilization. Often times, tapes contain only a single relatively small file. This contributes greatly to the loss of much of the cost per megabyte advantage.
Overall throughput. In general, disk is faster than tape. When load, unload and rewind times are considered, along with operator mounting and dismounting times, the total cost advantage is usually lost.
Device contention. Only one program at a time can access a tape drive. Although tape cartridges are very inexpensive, the actual tape drives and control units are not. Additional drives equates to additional floor space and other environmental considerations in addition to the acquisition and maintenance costs for the drives.
Tape management and automated tape libraries.
The above disadvantages have been addressed in several ways. Most notably, tape file management and stacking software address the underutilization and tape labeling issues while greatly reducing operator errors. Automatic tape libraries are also available to eliminate the dependence on the operator. While these solutions may be cost justified, they are certainly not cheap. Furthermore, while file stacking addresses the underutilization issue, it is at the expense of efficient file access, especially when retrieving a file near the end of the tape.
Advantages of disk storage.
Share ability. Disk devices, also known as Dasd (direct access storage devices) can be concurrently accessed by many programs simultaneously with generally little performance impact, effectively eliminating scheduling bottlenecks.
Efficient space utilization. Generally speaking, many, many files can be stored on a single disk storage device with little wasted space.
Efficient file access. Files can be accessed and opened practically instantaneously. It is not necessary to scan past one or even several other files to reach the desired file as it is with tape files.
No operator intervention. Since generally, disk storage devices are always on line, there is no dependence on the operator. Jobs run basically unattended unless a problem occurs.
Disadvantages of disk storage.
Cost. It will always be less expensive to buy a few more tape cartridges.
Scalability. Of course you can buy more disk. You just can’t buy a ‘little bit’ more disk.
Back to the virtual tape discussion.
As has been stated earlier, the case for virtual tape vs. real tape is basically the same as the case for disk vs. tape but without the need to convert existing tape jobs individually. The point of all this is simply that all virtual tape systems have the same basic advantages over real tape as described above. Most virtual tape discussion is limited to those points presented above. Its as if each VTS vendor thinks they are the only VTS vendor.
The following paragraphs discuss the various types and approaches to virtual tape in contrast specifically to the most popular VTS system which is the Magstar VTS from IBM. The Magstar VTS was introduced in 1997 and has enjoyed great success in large MVS, OS/390 and now Z/OS installations. In general it has been considered much too expensive for use in smaller MVS and VM or VSE shops. Very recently, other VTS systems have begun to emerge, some of which are downward scalable and affordable to the smaller S/390 mainframe community. These systems are based on different technological approaches as described below.
IBM Magstar VTS.
This is by far the most sophisticated but also by far the most expensive solution. The Magstar VTS uses dedicated special purpose Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. The IBM white papers extol the virtues of virtual tape compared to real tape. These advantages are true of all virtual tape systems. In particular, the entry level cost for the Magstar VTS makes it feasible only for fairly large mainframe data centers.
Other proprietary virtual tape systems.
Storage-Tek and one or two other similar brands of VTS also use proprietary dedicated Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. They are similarly sophisticated and expensive.
Software only, virtual tape.
These systems intercept I/O requests intended for tape devices and redirect the request to utilize mainframe Dasd instead of mainframe tape. These systems are relatively inexpensive and provide unattended operation. Some of these systems use compression to minimize the use of the expensive mainframe Dasd. In most cases the mainframe Dasd is only used temporarily. The virtual tape files are then stacked and offloaded to real tape thus addressing the under utilization issue. The only drawback to this approach is the trade off of efficient accessability vs. the cost of expensive mainframe Dasd. The more mainframe Dasd is made available, the more efficient is the access to the files. However, mainframe Dasd is by far the most expensive storage medium.
Open storage virtual tape systems.
These systems utilize open network based raid disk storage for storing the virtual tape images. In general, open network storage is much less expensive than mainframe Dasd. These systems provide unattended operation, efficient use of storage, and instant accessability for the raid resident virtual tapes. These systems are generally accompanied by hierarchical storage management systems which eventually migrate some of the virtual tape files, stacking them on large capacity tapes. The concept is the same as above, but the network based storage is generally so inexpensive by comparison, that real tape is only used for long term archival purposes.
Even off site backup and disaster recovery procedures are now possible whereby mainframe backup virtual tapes are compressed and then transmitted (zipped and shipped) off site rather than having physical tapes sent by messenger. Some companies historically have created two sets of backup tapes, one to keep on site and another off site. This virtual tape approach eliminates the need for such duplication.
Comparing the various VTS systems.
The following paragraphs contrast the various VTS technologies with respect to their strengths and weaknesses.
Acquisition cost.
Least expensive to acquire per emulated tape drive are the “software only” VTS systems. However, the cost per resident on line virtual tape file is quite high due to the use of mainframe Dasd. These systems can be quite effective for temporary files and for a small number of fairly small generation data sets. For backup and disaster recovery applications these systems have certain innate limitations. For instance, if mainframe Dasd is used for the virtual tape images, then most disaster scenarios would wipe out both the master files and the backups. If the virtual backup tapes must be offloaded to tape anyway, then the original step which created the virtual tape in the first place is somewhat irrelevant. Some software only solutions include transmitting the virtual tape images to a network PC via TCP/IP. This approach puts a major strain on both mainframe CPU cycles and network bandwidth.
At the high end, the Magstar VTS and the STK VSM products are designed and priced for the very large IBM mainframe installation, primarily OS/390 and Z/OS environments. The use of dedicated, proprietary Raid storage contributes to the high acquisition cost. Reliability and serviceability through hardware redundancy is paramount with these systems. Multiple channel paths and sophisticated caching provide excellent performance but make these systems unaffordable to the smaller shop.
Channel attached VTS systems which utilize open networked storage such as the Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software provide a very affordable entry level price point while at the same time they provide virtually unlimited scalable capacity. The use of open storage and servers allows a wide range of price performance and reliability options to suit the needs of any installation, large or small.
Scalability.
Most virtual tape systems are not very scalable by their nature. The IBM Magstar and the STK VSM are examples. These systems are certainly not downward scalable due to their high entry level cost. Increasing the amount of dedicated Raid disk storage in small increments is not usually feasible either. Furthermore, the Raid storage is generally so expensive that a relatively small amount is generally purchased simply as a caching front end to an automatic tape library. At any given time, only a small percentage of the virtual tape images are on line in the Raid cache. These on line virtual tapes benefit from the direct accessability of the Raid storage, while the majority of the virtual tape files have been stacked for efficient utilization on the real, large capacity tapes in the automatic tape library. Remember, the utilization efficiency of the stacking leads to inefficient retrieval of the files further in to the real tape. Also, the automatic tape library itself is not very scalable. You are normally advised to buy more ATL capacity than you will ever need because when you run out of slots you can’t simply just buy “a few more slots”.
The software only VTS systems are only as scalable as the extra available mainframe Dasd capacity allows.
Open storage based VTS systems like the USI Virtual Tape Appliance, are extremely scalable by contrast however. They are very affordable at low capacity entry levels, and adding more capacity in small increments is as simple as adding another NAS device, or another server to the network. In fact, reliable open network storage is now so affordable that it is often feasible to have all the virtual tape images or certainly a high percentage of them always on line in Raid storage. If an ATL back end is required, there are many more network compatible brands and models to choose from, for the ATL as well as the Raid Dasd itself. You are not locked in to the few more expensive mainframe compatible brands. The use of open file systems for the virtual tapes also opens the door to the use of any of several brands of HSM( Hierarchical Storage Management) packages as well. The HSM software manages the movement of the virtual tape images between the Raid and an Automatic Tape Library.
Performance.
Almost all the Virtual tape solutions perform well compared with real tape, especially when rewind and operator mount times are considered.. Device scheduling, reduced reruns due to operator errors are additional throughput considerations. When comparing the performance of the various VTS systems one to another, an ironic observation becomes apparent. Virtual tape systems perform very well as long as the virtual tape image is in disk cache. When the virtual tape has been migrated off to an Automatic Tape Library, the VTS performance suffers a double whammy. It takes longer to access the virtual tape file, especially if the file has been stacked near the end of a large capacity reel. Secondly, the virtual tape must then be reloaded to the cache in its entirety before it can be opened by the mainframe. The net effect of this is that the ratio of tape files online in cache vs. those which have been offloaded to real tape, becomes an important determinating factor of overall performance. The irony is that the high end systems are the most adversely affected by this factor because of cost. In fact, reliable, open networked storage has become so inexpensive and so easily extended that you may be able to keep all your tape images on disk. Real tape can then be reserved for long term archival purposes or for files which must be shipped to another data center for instance. Even backup and disaster recovery tapes may not necessarily be required to be offloaded. Current high bandwidth communications, along with compression, snap shot capability, remote mirroring and other state of the art storage technologies enable very affordable off site backup and restore via network transmission, without the need for shipping real tapes by courier.
Summary.
Virtual tape has many advantages over real tape, and will most often yield a rapid return on investment. If you have not yet invested in the high end IBM or STK solution, you should investigate an open storage based VTS system. These systems provide very affordable, scalable, reliable and efficient virtual tape capability while providing excellent investment protection. A feature comparison of the Bus-tech Mas and the Universal Software VTA follows.
Cost.
The USI VTA has a lower entry price point and is generally less expensive for equivalent capacity.
Scalability.
The USI VTA offers greater configurational flexibility allowing price, performance, reliability and capacity trade offs tailored to the users requirements.
Operation.
The Bus-tech Mas (and most other VTS systems) are quite dependent on mainframe tape management software. The USI VTA interfaces with any tape management software, but also provides its own built in management functions and GUI operator interface for unrivaled ease of use even without a tape manager.
Compatibility.
The USI VTA is built upon the MS Windows platform and file system. This allows incorporation of the widest possible complimentary functionality. The VTA is therefore compatible with any HSM or other Windows based software applications as well as any tape or disk or any other device which supports MS Windows. The MAS is Linux based, which may limit its compatibility.
Generic I/O System interface.
The USI VTA is also architecturally compatible with the popular GENIOS system from USI. GENIOS allows heterogeneous data interchange between IBM mainframes and open networked systems. GENIOS supports print and disk file sharing as well as tape.
Conclusion.
Virtual tape is fast becoming an essential part of the modern data center. Several new products are available which make it more affordable than ever. The Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software is one such product which provides affordable and scalable capacity with extraordinary functionality and ease of use.
posted by Prerona at 6:25 AM 0 comments
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
http://www.techweb.com/encyclopedia/
http://www.universalsoft.com/vtacomparisons.htm.
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
www.mainframes.com/jcl/backupHFS.txt
www.chicago-soft.com/gref/ibmlist.html
www.planetmvs.com/humour/slang.html
=================================
Virtual Tape Systems for IBM Mainframes
A comparative analysis
VTA | VTA Introduction | Questionaire | Cost Worksheets | VTA Performance | Home
Virtual Tape concepts for IBM Mainframes
Mainframe virtual tape is typically defined as magnetic tape file images stored on disk. In reality it is a little more subtle than that. Most discussions of virtual tape focus on the advantages of virtual tape vs. real tape. That begs the question, if it is better to store files on disk, why store them on tape in the first place. Since the earliest versions of OS/360 and DOS/360, programs could easily choose between disk or tape devices for data file storage. If a program was written to use tape, it is generally a trivial matter to change the program to use disk instead. In fact in most cases the program need not be changed at all, just the JCL (Job Control Language) statements which describe the input and output files used by the program.
If that is the case, why do we need “virtual tape” which uses disk but pretends to be tape? The answer is that in most data centers, there are hundreds or even thousands of jobs that are set up to use magnetic tape. Many of these jobs have been running unchanged for many years. Although changing one job to use disk is trivial, changing thousands of jobs is quite another matter.
You also might wonder why would you want to change jobs that are working perfectly to use disk instead of tape. There are many reasons to store data files on disk instead of tape. Unattended operation is probably the biggest one. The following paragraphs discuss the advantages of disk and the advantages of tape. For the most part, the advantages of virtual tape are the same as the advantages of using disk in the first place, except that existing jobs which have been set up to use tape, can now use virtual tape with little or no change. The IBM VTS home page has a very compelling white paper on the virtues of virtual tape.
Disk vs. tape for storage.
This has been a subject of ongoing debate for as long as there have been computers. For any given job or application, the best choice for storage today might not be the best choice tomorrow. Rapid advances in technology keep changing the grounds rules, ie.. those factors on which such decisions are based. For instance, although the cost of disk is still higher than the cost of tape, as it always has been, the cost of computer operators has continued to increase as the cost of computers and storage has gone down.
Advantages of tape.
Cost. The cost per megabyte of tape is still considerably less than disk as long as it is utilized to near its capacity. Most installations have many legacy tape jobs which have been in use for many years since the time when disk was extremely expensive. Even as recently as the early 1990's mainframe disk space was priced as high as $12,000.00 per gigabyte.
Portability. Tapes are removable and can be taken off site. This makes tape a good choice for backups. Tape has traditionally been used for bulk data interchange applications as well.
Scalability. Tape is infinitely scalable. You can always buy more tapes at a very small incremental cost.
Disadvantages of tape.
Operator dependence. Mounting and dismounting of tapes is quite operator intensive, especially where lots of small files are involved. Physical labeling of tapes, storing and retrieving of tapes from racks, also contribute to expensive, inefficient and error prone operation by today’s standards. Nowadays the elimination of one computer operator can pay for multi terabytes of disk storage each year, year after year.
Underutilization. Often times, tapes contain only a single relatively small file. This contributes greatly to the loss of much of the cost per megabyte advantage.
Overall throughput. In general, disk is faster than tape. When load, unload and rewind times are considered, along with operator mounting and dismounting times, the total cost advantage is usually lost.
Device contention. Only one program at a time can access a tape drive. Although tape cartridges are very inexpensive, the actual tape drives and control units are not. Additional drives equates to additional floor space and other environmental considerations in addition to the acquisition and maintenance costs for the drives.
Tape management and automated tape libraries.
The above disadvantages have been addressed in several ways. Most notably, tape file management and stacking software address the underutilization and tape labeling issues while greatly reducing operator errors. Automatic tape libraries are also available to eliminate the dependence on the operator. While these solutions may be cost justified, they are certainly not cheap. Furthermore, while file stacking addresses the underutilization issue, it is at the expense of efficient file access, especially when retrieving a file near the end of the tape.
Advantages of disk storage.
Share ability. Disk devices, also known as Dasd (direct access storage devices) can be concurrently accessed by many programs simultaneously with generally little performance impact, effectively eliminating scheduling bottlenecks.
Efficient space utilization. Generally speaking, many, many files can be stored on a single disk storage device with little wasted space.
Efficient file access. Files can be accessed and opened practically instantaneously. It is not necessary to scan past one or even several other files to reach the desired file as it is with tape files.
No operator intervention. Since generally, disk storage devices are always on line, there is no dependence on the operator. Jobs run basically unattended unless a problem occurs.
Disadvantages of disk storage.
Cost. It will always be less expensive to buy a few more tape cartridges.
Scalability. Of course you can buy more disk. You just can’t buy a ‘little bit’ more disk.
Back to the virtual tape discussion.
As has been stated earlier, the case for virtual tape vs. real tape is basically the same as the case for disk vs. tape but without the need to convert existing tape jobs individually. The point of all this is simply that all virtual tape systems have the same basic advantages over real tape as described above. Most virtual tape discussion is limited to those points presented above. Its as if each VTS vendor thinks they are the only VTS vendor.
The following paragraphs discuss the various types and approaches to virtual tape in contrast specifically to the most popular VTS system which is the Magstar VTS from IBM. The Magstar VTS was introduced in 1997 and has enjoyed great success in large MVS, OS/390 and now Z/OS installations. In general it has been considered much too expensive for use in smaller MVS and VM or VSE shops. Very recently, other VTS systems have begun to emerge, some of which are downward scalable and affordable to the smaller S/390 mainframe community. These systems are based on different technological approaches as described below.
IBM Magstar VTS.
This is by far the most sophisticated but also by far the most expensive solution. The Magstar VTS uses dedicated special purpose Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. The IBM white papers extol the virtues of virtual tape compared to real tape. These advantages are true of all virtual tape systems. In particular, the entry level cost for the Magstar VTS makes it feasible only for fairly large mainframe data centers.
Other proprietary virtual tape systems.
Storage-Tek and one or two other similar brands of VTS also use proprietary dedicated Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. They are similarly sophisticated and expensive.
Software only, virtual tape.
These systems intercept I/O requests intended for tape devices and redirect the request to utilize mainframe Dasd instead of mainframe tape. These systems are relatively inexpensive and provide unattended operation. Some of these systems use compression to minimize the use of the expensive mainframe Dasd. In most cases the mainframe Dasd is only used temporarily. The virtual tape files are then stacked and offloaded to real tape thus addressing the under utilization issue. The only drawback to this approach is the trade off of efficient accessability vs. the cost of expensive mainframe Dasd. The more mainframe Dasd is made available, the more efficient is the access to the files. However, mainframe Dasd is by far the most expensive storage medium.
Open storage virtual tape systems.
These systems utilize open network based raid disk storage for storing the virtual tape images. In general, open network storage is much less expensive than mainframe Dasd. These systems provide unattended operation, efficient use of storage, and instant accessability for the raid resident virtual tapes. These systems are generally accompanied by hierarchical storage management systems which eventually migrate some of the virtual tape files, stacking them on large capacity tapes. The concept is the same as above, but the network based storage is generally so inexpensive by comparison, that real tape is only used for long term archival purposes.
Even off site backup and disaster recovery procedures are now possible whereby mainframe backup virtual tapes are compressed and then transmitted (zipped and shipped) off site rather than having physical tapes sent by messenger. Some companies historically have created two sets of backup tapes, one to keep on site and another off site. This virtual tape approach eliminates the need for such duplication.
Comparing the various VTS systems.
The following paragraphs contrast the various VTS technologies with respect to their strengths and weaknesses.
Acquisition cost.
Least expensive to acquire per emulated tape drive are the “software only” VTS systems. However, the cost per resident on line virtual tape file is quite high due to the use of mainframe Dasd. These systems can be quite effective for temporary files and for a small number of fairly small generation data sets. For backup and disaster recovery applications these systems have certain innate limitations. For instance, if mainframe Dasd is used for the virtual tape images, then most disaster scenarios would wipe out both the master files and the backups. If the virtual backup tapes must be offloaded to tape anyway, then the original step which created the virtual tape in the first place is somewhat irrelevant. Some software only solutions include transmitting the virtual tape images to a network PC via TCP/IP. This approach puts a major strain on both mainframe CPU cycles and network bandwidth.
At the high end, the Magstar VTS and the STK VSM products are designed and priced for the very large IBM mainframe installation, primarily OS/390 and Z/OS environments. The use of dedicated, proprietary Raid storage contributes to the high acquisition cost. Reliability and serviceability through hardware redundancy is paramount with these systems. Multiple channel paths and sophisticated caching provide excellent performance but make these systems unaffordable to the smaller shop.
Channel attached VTS systems which utilize open networked storage such as the Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software provide a very affordable entry level price point while at the same time they provide virtually unlimited scalable capacity. The use of open storage and servers allows a wide range of price performance and reliability options to suit the needs of any installation, large or small.
Scalability.
Most virtual tape systems are not very scalable by their nature. The IBM Magstar and the STK VSM are examples. These systems are certainly not downward scalable due to their high entry level cost. Increasing the amount of dedicated Raid disk storage in small increments is not usually feasible either. Furthermore, the Raid storage is generally so expensive that a relatively small amount is generally purchased simply as a caching front end to an automatic tape library. At any given time, only a small percentage of the virtual tape images are on line in the Raid cache. These on line virtual tapes benefit from the direct accessability of the Raid storage, while the majority of the virtual tape files have been stacked for efficient utilization on the real, large capacity tapes in the automatic tape library. Remember, the utilization efficiency of the stacking leads to inefficient retrieval of the files further in to the real tape. Also, the automatic tape library itself is not very scalable. You are normally advised to buy more ATL capacity than you will ever need because when you run out of slots you can’t simply just buy “a few more slots”.
The software only VTS systems are only as scalable as the extra available mainframe Dasd capacity allows.
Open storage based VTS systems like the USI Virtual Tape Appliance, are extremely scalable by contrast however. They are very affordable at low capacity entry levels, and adding more capacity in small increments is as simple as adding another NAS device, or another server to the network. In fact, reliable open network storage is now so affordable that it is often feasible to have all the virtual tape images or certainly a high percentage of them always on line in Raid storage. If an ATL back end is required, there are many more network compatible brands and models to choose from, for the ATL as well as the Raid Dasd itself. You are not locked in to the few more expensive mainframe compatible brands. The use of open file systems for the virtual tapes also opens the door to the use of any of several brands of HSM( Hierarchical Storage Management) packages as well. The HSM software manages the movement of the virtual tape images between the Raid and an Automatic Tape Library.
Performance.
Almost all the Virtual tape solutions perform well compared with real tape, especially when rewind and operator mount times are considered.. Device scheduling, reduced reruns due to operator errors are additional throughput considerations. When comparing the performance of the various VTS systems one to another, an ironic observation becomes apparent. Virtual tape systems perform very well as long as the virtual tape image is in disk cache. When the virtual tape has been migrated off to an Automatic Tape Library, the VTS performance suffers a double whammy. It takes longer to access the virtual tape file, especially if the file has been stacked near the end of a large capacity reel. Secondly, the virtual tape must then be reloaded to the cache in its entirety before it can be opened by the mainframe. The net effect of this is that the ratio of tape files online in cache vs. those which have been offloaded to real tape, becomes an important determinating factor of overall performance. The irony is that the high end systems are the most adversely affected by this factor because of cost. In fact, reliable, open networked storage has become so inexpensive and so easily extended that you may be able to keep all your tape images on disk. Real tape can then be reserved for long term archival purposes or for files which must be shipped to another data center for instance. Even backup and disaster recovery tapes may not necessarily be required to be offloaded. Current high bandwidth communications, along with compression, snap shot capability, remote mirroring and other state of the art storage technologies enable very affordable off site backup and restore via network transmission, without the need for shipping real tapes by courier.
Summary.
Virtual tape has many advantages over real tape, and will most often yield a rapid return on investment. If you have not yet invested in the high end IBM or STK solution, you should investigate an open storage based VTS system. These systems provide very affordable, scalable, reliable and efficient virtual tape capability while providing excellent investment protection. A feature comparison of the Bus-tech Mas and the Universal Software VTA follows.
Cost.
The USI VTA has a lower entry price point and is generally less expensive for equivalent capacity.
Scalability.
The USI VTA offers greater configurational flexibility allowing price, performance, reliability and capacity trade offs tailored to the users requirements.
Operation.
The Bus-tech Mas (and most other VTS systems) are quite dependent on mainframe tape management software. The USI VTA interfaces with any tape management software, but also provides its own built in management functions and GUI operator interface for unrivaled ease of use even without a tape manager.
Compatibility.
The USI VTA is built upon the MS Windows platform and file system. This allows incorporation of the widest possible complimentary functionality. The VTA is therefore compatible with any HSM or other Windows based software applications as well as any tape or disk or any other device which supports MS Windows. The MAS is Linux based, which may limit its compatibility.
Generic I/O System interface.
The USI VTA is also architecturally compatible with the popular GENIOS system from USI. GENIOS allows heterogeneous data interchange between IBM mainframes and open networked systems. GENIOS supports print and disk file sharing as well as tape.
Conclusion.
Virtual tape is fast becoming an essential part of the modern data center. Several new products are available which make it more affordable than ever. The Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software is one such product which provides affordable and scalable capacity with extraordinary functionality and ease of use.
posted by Prerona at 6:25 AM 0 comments
friday morning blues
i met up with juls after ages. i used to be a monster, now ive become a snake. the more ilove you - the more ill treat u like shit. grin. its a test. its a rodeo. its a scorp thing :) i almost didnt go over ... so much laziness??? no ... i was just tired. so tired. as usual. anyway, came back at 9 from work. went over to juls' at 11. co-bashed adit on the phone. he didnt come. dog. trying to meet him for breakfast tomorrow! good god. lets see. spoke to brat. spoke to chatts. met ad. met juls. will that give me a chance? maybe. lets see. with adit, i talked. for the first time since i came back i talked to someone about everything. but even chatts, even ad - dont know it all. i need to talk to them. i need them. im lost in the fog in side me. im stumbling in the darkness within me. i know it doesnt matter but it still hurts. he hurt me so much. u hurt me so much. u were my friend. i trusted you more than ive ever trusted a stranger from the other world. but u were from the other world after all. its for the best. such friendships would never work. u would think me to intense whenever i dropped the mask of dumb jokes and smart puns. and i would think u too shallow. but it hurts. u were my friend. and i loved you. like f mad ... anyway - its alright - its ok. ill be fine. theres no one really. if u want to reach out, theres no one there. no one that matters. no one who wouldnt make u feel like saying shutup and leave me alone its none of ur f business. so its wrong to say noone cares - isnt it. its just that the right people dont care ... or that i cant reach them. cant come out and say this is what the matter is. :)
but what the hell ... its a weekend!
eat, sleep and be merry!
im also toying with the idea of closing the blog. its not about the fact that i churn out mindless drivel, but about the publicity factor. and it about how bad i am at keeping this non personal. almost as bad as i am at geting personal in real life ;)
the sleep in ur voice
pulls at strings, i didnt know existed
u make me feel
soft and tender, and raw
in places i didnt never visited, or known
in dark back alleys, of my soul
but the sleep in ur voice
drags on heart
makes me wanna rub my hands
on my heart
to take away the funny feeling
and im distracted
from what ur saying
all i wanna do i hold you
and snuggle up with you
but ur so far away
lost in unreachable tomorrows and yesterdays ...
and im stuck here
in a land of ghosts and shadows, i couldnt leave if i wanted to
cz im one of them too
so i nod my head sharply
and hope im make the right noises
and tell u everything will be ok
but its strange how it felt
when i spent the last week thinking
how its all pointless after all
and that i never feel anything at all
a phantom of my imagination
or are you someone real, somewhere
give me a clue, how do i find you,
or do i give up? Im tired ...
but what the hell ... its a weekend!
eat, sleep and be merry!
im also toying with the idea of closing the blog. its not about the fact that i churn out mindless drivel, but about the publicity factor. and it about how bad i am at keeping this non personal. almost as bad as i am at geting personal in real life ;)
the sleep in ur voice
pulls at strings, i didnt know existed
u make me feel
soft and tender, and raw
in places i didnt never visited, or known
in dark back alleys, of my soul
but the sleep in ur voice
drags on heart
makes me wanna rub my hands
on my heart
to take away the funny feeling
and im distracted
from what ur saying
all i wanna do i hold you
and snuggle up with you
but ur so far away
lost in unreachable tomorrows and yesterdays ...
and im stuck here
in a land of ghosts and shadows, i couldnt leave if i wanted to
cz im one of them too
so i nod my head sharply
and hope im make the right noises
and tell u everything will be ok
but its strange how it felt
when i spent the last week thinking
how its all pointless after all
and that i never feel anything at all
a phantom of my imagination
or are you someone real, somewhere
give me a clue, how do i find you,
or do i give up? Im tired ...
another week is over
another weekend is here
i know it will fly past
i wont get anywhere
now that the party is over
now that the battles are fought and lost
i need some time
to sit and think
but though i sit for hours alone,
in some forgotten corner of my mind ...
the thoughts wont form
my minds a swirling sea of madness
i meet old friends, i spin old tales
nobody sees, whats inside of me
nobosy sees beyond the skies that shine blue
theeres a storm, theres rain, theres you
another weekend is here
i know it will fly past
i wont get anywhere
now that the party is over
now that the battles are fought and lost
i need some time
to sit and think
but though i sit for hours alone,
in some forgotten corner of my mind ...
the thoughts wont form
my minds a swirling sea of madness
i meet old friends, i spin old tales
nobody sees, whats inside of me
nobosy sees beyond the skies that shine blue
theeres a storm, theres rain, theres you
what if life was self designed
what if life was like that moment in the pub in vanilla sky ... where he realises that anything he wants will happen all around him?
where would you be and how would you be,
if you could be, everything, anything you wanted to be, with no comebacks?
just for today? id be in the kothrud flat, with the rain crashing just like this, and all my music and my byron, and adit and chatts. and id rain. like its raining today
ive been listening to this song on repeat for the last few days whenever Im home
Nobody feels any pain
Tonight as i stand inside the rain
Everybody knows
That baby's got new clothes
But lately i see her ribbons an' her bows
Have fallen from her curls.
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
An' she aches just like a woman
But she breaks like a little girl.
when night falls
and the clowns retire
theres noone in the chairs to see
white paint broken by 2 brown lines
rivers, hiccups of fear & pain
when everyone in the show has gone home again
the clowns rain
what if life was like that moment in the pub in vanilla sky ... where he realises that anything he wants will happen all around him?
where would you be and how would you be,
if you could be, everything, anything you wanted to be, with no comebacks?
just for today? id be in the kothrud flat, with the rain crashing just like this, and all my music and my byron, and adit and chatts. and id rain. like its raining today
ive been listening to this song on repeat for the last few days whenever Im home
Nobody feels any pain
Tonight as i stand inside the rain
Everybody knows
That baby's got new clothes
But lately i see her ribbons an' her bows
Have fallen from her curls.
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
An' she aches just like a woman
But she breaks like a little girl.
when night falls
and the clowns retire
theres noone in the chairs to see
white paint broken by 2 brown lines
rivers, hiccups of fear & pain
when everyone in the show has gone home again
the clowns rain
faith
and old poem I found on my site - i dont remember when i wrote it or why ...
"somehow it all went astray,
but whats another dream broken?
in a life turned night of nightmares
this was just an infant still
this star that briefly appeared
on the horizon dark dismal
went up in splendrous bright sparks
in a shower fallen
to a puddle on the floor
and dried,
like a sticky trail of tears on ur face
invisible to everyone
but you who can feel the stickines still"
today turned arond
bumped into yesterday
couldnt look her in the eye
and still keep straight face
marathon spring cleaning over the weekend. my favourite kind of cozy 'tucked into my room' type weekend. gallons of old old old letters, diaries, cards, concert tickets, KY mem'lia and what not!
its so hard to believe we wrote and said all those things ... it was sweet, funny, cute, touching. i was laughing and crying all at once.
so many lists ... a HHPB checklist - wont write what that is - but it was very funny. no wonder it was never met! dogs, kids and bungee jumping .... crossed with brecht and archer ... kk and floyd and ravi-shankar and hemanta ... and then ghalib too ... too much! guess i have a us & them problem. I cant trust us and i cant get along with them.
a friend, a very dear friend, is getting engaged. mixed feelings. how many married friends do you have. not that aquaintance friends - but real friend. not people u hang out with, but real friends. people change after they pair up ... Juls, Sauce ... ??? anyway - its for the best. Im happy. Im really happy.
song in my head - a blast from the past ... heard it in the car next to me - stuck in jam while driving to work this morning
"i know all the games u play,
cz I play them too.
need some time off from that emotion ... "
"somehow it all went astray,
but whats another dream broken?
in a life turned night of nightmares
this was just an infant still
this star that briefly appeared
on the horizon dark dismal
went up in splendrous bright sparks
in a shower fallen
to a puddle on the floor
and dried,
like a sticky trail of tears on ur face
invisible to everyone
but you who can feel the stickines still"
today turned arond
bumped into yesterday
couldnt look her in the eye
and still keep straight face
marathon spring cleaning over the weekend. my favourite kind of cozy 'tucked into my room' type weekend. gallons of old old old letters, diaries, cards, concert tickets, KY mem'lia and what not!
its so hard to believe we wrote and said all those things ... it was sweet, funny, cute, touching. i was laughing and crying all at once.
so many lists ... a HHPB checklist - wont write what that is - but it was very funny. no wonder it was never met! dogs, kids and bungee jumping .... crossed with brecht and archer ... kk and floyd and ravi-shankar and hemanta ... and then ghalib too ... too much! guess i have a us & them problem. I cant trust us and i cant get along with them.
a friend, a very dear friend, is getting engaged. mixed feelings. how many married friends do you have. not that aquaintance friends - but real friend. not people u hang out with, but real friends. people change after they pair up ... Juls, Sauce ... ??? anyway - its for the best. Im happy. Im really happy.
song in my head - a blast from the past ... heard it in the car next to me - stuck in jam while driving to work this morning
"i know all the games u play,
cz I play them too.
need some time off from that emotion ... "
cz friends will be friends
what do you do when
someone u barely knew a few months back, thinks about you, believes in you, tells you u might break through, and fair blows ur mind with the realisation that suddenly, out of the stark, bleak midnight blue some stranger, another new aquaintance is knocking on the threshold of becoming a Friend.
when someone u trusted and honoured in the world inside you, someone you loved and cared for, relied on ... someone you called Friend, just fades away into the black oblivion of those who faded away.
when someone you have begun to care for loses someone they care for? there are no words that will not sound superficial, there is nothing that will not sound superfluous ... theres nothing you can do that can be done ... you can just wait and watch and feel bad for her feeling bad and wish you could divert some of it away.
Anyway - another weekend is here. I will live. Recharge. And Sleep blissful Sleep!!!
someone u barely knew a few months back, thinks about you, believes in you, tells you u might break through, and fair blows ur mind with the realisation that suddenly, out of the stark, bleak midnight blue some stranger, another new aquaintance is knocking on the threshold of becoming a Friend.
when someone u trusted and honoured in the world inside you, someone you loved and cared for, relied on ... someone you called Friend, just fades away into the black oblivion of those who faded away.
when someone you have begun to care for loses someone they care for? there are no words that will not sound superficial, there is nothing that will not sound superfluous ... theres nothing you can do that can be done ... you can just wait and watch and feel bad for her feeling bad and wish you could divert some of it away.
Anyway - another weekend is here. I will live. Recharge. And Sleep blissful Sleep!!!
its a brand new day
in life, everything rolls around
everything finishes and starts again
and we live, in segments
in some ways, the way I was yesterday ... 10 years ago, 10 days ago, 10 mins ago ... seems so different from here and now; and in some ways, so similar!
i still carry the same fears, weaknesses, the same impossible dreams and schemes, and the same stubborn determination in all too rare streaks and fits
im stuck. im stuck inhere and now. and i need to get out. soon.
this wont work. it cant. its another impossible jump into empty space. i dont have the stuff you need to make things like this work.
someone used to tell me im like a turtle ... you have to spend ages coaxing me out, and then theres one small false move, and i rush back in .... some shells protect the outside. theres acid inside
i came to work late today. very late. wanted to wish a friend after he woke up. and there was no other way. why is it so hard to say everything u want to say
drove to work. it took me 40 mins to cross 2 blocks - my house to gariahat! packed traffic! gotto stay till late. anyway - i cant drive in the regular office time traffic -so i would have waited for it to cool anyway ...
i need a break. i need a weekend. and behold a weekend is here :)
i need someone to talk to. not SOMEONE ... but chatts or ad or barb ... no else will do. i need an old old friend. new friends are great to love and care for a laugh with. but to talk - u need the ones who know ... the ones who have held ur quivering, shivering soul in a gentle curving palm cup ... when u were falling, breaking, cracking up, when ur soul is shrivelled to a pinpoint in the dark ... so many times before.
everything finishes and starts again
and we live, in segments
in some ways, the way I was yesterday ... 10 years ago, 10 days ago, 10 mins ago ... seems so different from here and now; and in some ways, so similar!
i still carry the same fears, weaknesses, the same impossible dreams and schemes, and the same stubborn determination in all too rare streaks and fits
im stuck. im stuck inhere and now. and i need to get out. soon.
this wont work. it cant. its another impossible jump into empty space. i dont have the stuff you need to make things like this work.
someone used to tell me im like a turtle ... you have to spend ages coaxing me out, and then theres one small false move, and i rush back in .... some shells protect the outside. theres acid inside
i came to work late today. very late. wanted to wish a friend after he woke up. and there was no other way. why is it so hard to say everything u want to say
drove to work. it took me 40 mins to cross 2 blocks - my house to gariahat! packed traffic! gotto stay till late. anyway - i cant drive in the regular office time traffic -so i would have waited for it to cool anyway ...
i need a break. i need a weekend. and behold a weekend is here :)
i need someone to talk to. not SOMEONE ... but chatts or ad or barb ... no else will do. i need an old old friend. new friends are great to love and care for a laugh with. but to talk - u need the ones who know ... the ones who have held ur quivering, shivering soul in a gentle curving palm cup ... when u were falling, breaking, cracking up, when ur soul is shrivelled to a pinpoint in the dark ... so many times before.
lifes like that
she pulls me down
she makes me cry
she laughs at me
she makes me laugh with her
she holds my hand
as she makes me tumble
she keeps me moving
even when i cant get up, anymore
she is stands by my bed while i toss and turn
through the darkest storms of the night
she hides surprises
at every corner
she pulls me out, maddeningly
of my crazy races that i crazily run ...
with myself
she pulls me aside and while my heart still races
she talks to my mind,
and she teaches me some more
always more
sometimes i hate her. cant wait for it to be over
sometimes I love her. cant get enough.
lifes like that you see.
and another fear
more secret, moregaurded
at 9, i thought you the coolest, most grownup, suavest, bond' in the world
at 29, i suspect that you, underneath ur cool, smooth exterior, are perhaps as soft as i can sometimes be
and it seems that ive loved u a lifetime ...
that you wont , actually, run away when i cry
that i wont have to keep laughing always - even when i hate to
and the fear is finding out im wrong ...
i laugh. i clown about. i make people laugh
but i cry too. i cry a lot. and its usually scary for people to watch
cz there no way they can reach me - i have withdrawn and the shutters have fallen
boom crash bang ... shut tight in place
with a vacant look in front
or a shallow smile
which does who know never trust
i cry sometimes for no reason
like i laugh sometimes, for no reason
or i cry bcz a sunrise is so beautiful
or a moment so sweet
or a feeling so immense
or life is splendrous
i wanted to cry that night
in ur eyes
when u smiled and said
why u looking so intense
i wanted to cry bcz i saw the end of the moment approaching
and i wanted it to last
for a lifetime
because i have come so gfar
because i am so tired
because i love you so much
i may have never loved very well
been very good at loving
my cold, hard, seeking, searching, eagles heart ... to fixed on the horizon
to glued to the road - to stop, to be soft, to listen
but in that moment i loved you
enough for an eternity
she makes me cry
she laughs at me
she makes me laugh with her
she holds my hand
as she makes me tumble
she keeps me moving
even when i cant get up, anymore
she is stands by my bed while i toss and turn
through the darkest storms of the night
she hides surprises
at every corner
she pulls me out, maddeningly
of my crazy races that i crazily run ...
with myself
she pulls me aside and while my heart still races
she talks to my mind,
and she teaches me some more
always more
sometimes i hate her. cant wait for it to be over
sometimes I love her. cant get enough.
lifes like that you see.
and another fear
more secret, moregaurded
at 9, i thought you the coolest, most grownup, suavest, bond' in the world
at 29, i suspect that you, underneath ur cool, smooth exterior, are perhaps as soft as i can sometimes be
and it seems that ive loved u a lifetime ...
that you wont , actually, run away when i cry
that i wont have to keep laughing always - even when i hate to
and the fear is finding out im wrong ...
i laugh. i clown about. i make people laugh
but i cry too. i cry a lot. and its usually scary for people to watch
cz there no way they can reach me - i have withdrawn and the shutters have fallen
boom crash bang ... shut tight in place
with a vacant look in front
or a shallow smile
which does who know never trust
i cry sometimes for no reason
like i laugh sometimes, for no reason
or i cry bcz a sunrise is so beautiful
or a moment so sweet
or a feeling so immense
or life is splendrous
i wanted to cry that night
in ur eyes
when u smiled and said
why u looking so intense
i wanted to cry bcz i saw the end of the moment approaching
and i wanted it to last
for a lifetime
because i have come so gfar
because i am so tired
because i love you so much
i may have never loved very well
been very good at loving
my cold, hard, seeking, searching, eagles heart ... to fixed on the horizon
to glued to the road - to stop, to be soft, to listen
but in that moment i loved you
enough for an eternity
flying
im working in shifts now. 7AM to 2PM. Killer. Because as usual me the insomniac cant sleep early enough. Then I have this quirk ... I cant just get up and come to work. I need some all-by-myself time in the morning. ill read, and laze and listen to music and be grouchy in peace and have my first 3 of the day then I get up and start to get ready to leave.
last night i had a strange dream ... i was flying. it was dark. and cold. and silver ...
and the ocean moved below
and i flew through the air
alone
above the seas,
and the sleeping, twinkling towns
and the gaurding mountains tall
i flew
listening to Queen after a long time
You say you love me
And I hardly know your name
And if I say I love you in the candlelight
There's no one but myself to blame
But there's something inside
That's turning my mind away
Oh how I could love you
If I could let you stay
It's late - but I'm bleeding deep inside
It's late - is it just my sickly pride?
Too late - even now the feeling seems to steal away
So late - though I'm crying I can't help but hear you say
It's late it's late it's late
But not too late
following rahuls analogy, if you are terrified ofdriving, but darent admit it - would you,
subconsciously or consciously, always buy cars which you know you wont be able to drive easily?
isnt that terrible - a waste of the car (s)?
if someone gifts u a car which is just right for you,
would you panic and cut off ur arms?
does everyone have to drive? what if ur fear is real? what if u really dont have it in u to drive?
what if u saw ur whole family die - on the spot - in a car crash ...
would you ever overcome your fear of driving?
what if u really like the car - its a very good car - and u screw it up?
what if u bump into someone and kill them?
what if u start out by car but then its wonderful weather and you want to stop, or walk ...
why cant we use cabs all the time? expensive? ownership? or just face-ur-fears training?
why do you feel compelled to peer into ur deepest fears and see what they are made out of?
why does all the analysis and the realisation fly out of the window when the moment comes?
last night i had a strange dream ... i was flying. it was dark. and cold. and silver ...
and the ocean moved below
and i flew through the air
alone
above the seas,
and the sleeping, twinkling towns
and the gaurding mountains tall
i flew
listening to Queen after a long time
You say you love me
And I hardly know your name
And if I say I love you in the candlelight
There's no one but myself to blame
But there's something inside
That's turning my mind away
Oh how I could love you
If I could let you stay
It's late - but I'm bleeding deep inside
It's late - is it just my sickly pride?
Too late - even now the feeling seems to steal away
So late - though I'm crying I can't help but hear you say
It's late it's late it's late
But not too late
following rahuls analogy, if you are terrified ofdriving, but darent admit it - would you,
subconsciously or consciously, always buy cars which you know you wont be able to drive easily?
isnt that terrible - a waste of the car (s)?
if someone gifts u a car which is just right for you,
would you panic and cut off ur arms?
does everyone have to drive? what if ur fear is real? what if u really dont have it in u to drive?
what if u saw ur whole family die - on the spot - in a car crash ...
would you ever overcome your fear of driving?
what if u really like the car - its a very good car - and u screw it up?
what if u bump into someone and kill them?
what if u start out by car but then its wonderful weather and you want to stop, or walk ...
why cant we use cabs all the time? expensive? ownership? or just face-ur-fears training?
why do you feel compelled to peer into ur deepest fears and see what they are made out of?
why does all the analysis and the realisation fly out of the window when the moment comes?
stormy monday blues
it rained all night
and i couldnt sleep
i sat on the terrace
in the driving rain
getting drenched
reliving the evening, the past week, the past month, the the past year, the past life ... random fragments ...
i finished reading "Mrs Dalloway"
again - it hits me as strange and amazing
that these books, these thoughts, these philosophies
come to me when I am thinking, feeling as I do
clarrissa analysing the septimus's suicide
as i stand at the bars and I feel the wet coldness of the wrought iron table behind me. strange
the book still had me in its grip. im still stuck there. i read a lot of reviews online. One of them said ...
"Like Septimus, Clarissa has the potential to be overwhelmed by life. Hearing of Septimus' suicide, she withdraws to consider her party's deeper meaning for her. She imaginatively recreates Smith's suicide and recalls that "she had thrown a shilling into the Serpentine, never anything more. But he had flung it away" (241). It is clear that Clarissa shares Spetimus' suicidal impulses as she went on imagine "But this young man who had killed himself - had he plunged holding his treasure? 'If it were now to die, 'twere now to be most happy, she had said to herself once."(242). However, Clarissa only needs to die in imagination by identifying herself with Septimus. Clarissa survived from her suicidal instinct as she acknowledges that her subsistence depends on the death of Septimus, the darker sides of her nature, so she sacrifices it gladly. "
this is the part that haunted me most. but what hit me most was wondering how much of it was autobiographical? idshe feel like septimus did. if she did then was it because she was, really, going crazy or does everyone, at times?
"Death was defiance. Death was an attempt to communicate, people feeling the impossibility of reaching the centre which, mystically, evaded them; closeness drew apart; rapture faded; one was alone. There was an embrace in death.
But this young man who had killed himself-had he plunged holding his treasure ? "If I were to die now, 'tweve now to be most happy," she had said to herself once, coming down, in white.
Or there were the poets and thinkers. Suppose he had had that passion, and had gone to Sir William Bradshaw, a great doctor, yet to her obscurely evil, without sex or lust, extremely polite to women, but capable of some indescribable outrage-forcing your soul, that was it-if this young man had gone to him, and Sir William had impressed him, like that, with his power, might he not then have said (indeed she felt it now), Life is made intolerable; they make life intolerable, men like that ?
Then (she had felt it only this morning) there was the terror; the overwhelming incapacity, one's parents giving it into one's hands, this life, to be lived to the end, to be walked with serenely; there was in the depths of her heart an awful fear. Even now, quite often if Richard had not been there reading the Times, so that she could crouch like a bird and gradually revive, send roaring up that incommensurable delight, rubbing stick to stick, one thing with another, she must have perished. She had escaped. But that young man had killed himself."
sister of my soul. what is family? what are fraternal feelings in a family? is it any different from friendship? how? sister of my soul, bonded by heart-blood, same bricks, same mortar, so different, yet just the same. in time displaced. upgraded. what is family. how do people who live together in families all their lives feel? think? act? sister of my soul, bonded by heart-blood, blood so weak, thinner than water. we above it, we below it. running away. running to it everyday. with eyes shut tight. shouting out in terrified, unending, wails echoing, silently, twice over, 184 months apart. i dont know you. i dont want to see you. u only exist in the slices i choose.
and i couldnt sleep
i sat on the terrace
in the driving rain
getting drenched
reliving the evening, the past week, the past month, the the past year, the past life ... random fragments ...
i finished reading "Mrs Dalloway"
again - it hits me as strange and amazing
that these books, these thoughts, these philosophies
come to me when I am thinking, feeling as I do
clarrissa analysing the septimus's suicide
as i stand at the bars and I feel the wet coldness of the wrought iron table behind me. strange
the book still had me in its grip. im still stuck there. i read a lot of reviews online. One of them said ...
"Like Septimus, Clarissa has the potential to be overwhelmed by life. Hearing of Septimus' suicide, she withdraws to consider her party's deeper meaning for her. She imaginatively recreates Smith's suicide and recalls that "she had thrown a shilling into the Serpentine, never anything more. But he had flung it away" (241). It is clear that Clarissa shares Spetimus' suicidal impulses as she went on imagine "But this young man who had killed himself - had he plunged holding his treasure? 'If it were now to die, 'twere now to be most happy, she had said to herself once."(242). However, Clarissa only needs to die in imagination by identifying herself with Septimus. Clarissa survived from her suicidal instinct as she acknowledges that her subsistence depends on the death of Septimus, the darker sides of her nature, so she sacrifices it gladly. "
this is the part that haunted me most. but what hit me most was wondering how much of it was autobiographical? idshe feel like septimus did. if she did then was it because she was, really, going crazy or does everyone, at times?
"Death was defiance. Death was an attempt to communicate, people feeling the impossibility of reaching the centre which, mystically, evaded them; closeness drew apart; rapture faded; one was alone. There was an embrace in death.
But this young man who had killed himself-had he plunged holding his treasure ? "If I were to die now, 'tweve now to be most happy," she had said to herself once, coming down, in white.
Or there were the poets and thinkers. Suppose he had had that passion, and had gone to Sir William Bradshaw, a great doctor, yet to her obscurely evil, without sex or lust, extremely polite to women, but capable of some indescribable outrage-forcing your soul, that was it-if this young man had gone to him, and Sir William had impressed him, like that, with his power, might he not then have said (indeed she felt it now), Life is made intolerable; they make life intolerable, men like that ?
Then (she had felt it only this morning) there was the terror; the overwhelming incapacity, one's parents giving it into one's hands, this life, to be lived to the end, to be walked with serenely; there was in the depths of her heart an awful fear. Even now, quite often if Richard had not been there reading the Times, so that she could crouch like a bird and gradually revive, send roaring up that incommensurable delight, rubbing stick to stick, one thing with another, she must have perished. She had escaped. But that young man had killed himself."
sister of my soul. what is family? what are fraternal feelings in a family? is it any different from friendship? how? sister of my soul, bonded by heart-blood, same bricks, same mortar, so different, yet just the same. in time displaced. upgraded. what is family. how do people who live together in families all their lives feel? think? act? sister of my soul, bonded by heart-blood, blood so weak, thinner than water. we above it, we below it. running away. running to it everyday. with eyes shut tight. shouting out in terrified, unending, wails echoing, silently, twice over, 184 months apart. i dont know you. i dont want to see you. u only exist in the slices i choose.
song in my head
i used to belive that when a song suddenly pops into ur head its a like little messege from ur subC. Often I found myself thinking about them and actually finding clues about what I was thinking without even realising it! And then Id realise it was true. Dunno if it works with anyone else. Song in my head ...
"muJhe tum nazar se gira to rahe ho
muJhe tum kabhi bhi bhula na sakoge
na jaane muJhe kyoon yakiN ho chala hai
mere pyaar ko tum mitaa na sakoge
meri yaad hogi jidhar jaaoge tum
kabhi nagma banke kabhi banke aansoo
kabhi nagma banke kabhi banke aansoo
tadapta muJhe har taraf paaoge tum
shama jo jalaayi hai meri wafa ne
bujhaana bhi chaaho bujha na sakoge
kabhi naam baatoN meiN aaya jo mera
to bechain ho hoke dil thaam loge
to bechain ho hoke dil thaam loge
nigahon mein chaayega gham ka andhera
kisi ne jo poocha sabab-a-subooN ka
bataana bhi chaaho bata na sakoge"
"muJhe tum nazar se gira to rahe ho
muJhe tum kabhi bhi bhula na sakoge
na jaane muJhe kyoon yakiN ho chala hai
mere pyaar ko tum mitaa na sakoge
meri yaad hogi jidhar jaaoge tum
kabhi nagma banke kabhi banke aansoo
kabhi nagma banke kabhi banke aansoo
tadapta muJhe har taraf paaoge tum
shama jo jalaayi hai meri wafa ne
bujhaana bhi chaaho bujha na sakoge
kabhi naam baatoN meiN aaya jo mera
to bechain ho hoke dil thaam loge
to bechain ho hoke dil thaam loge
nigahon mein chaayega gham ka andhera
kisi ne jo poocha sabab-a-subooN ka
bataana bhi chaaho bata na sakoge"
in the pouring rain
for many nights have I dreamed this dream
for many days have I cried for this
for many years have I waited for this ...
its raining. in cal. and im home. alone. i know it will pass. but while it lasts ... its madeinheaven (it was all meant to be).
its been a while. so it feels strange. im happy. like he said, im trying to live for myself. &^%# the world. when u try to keep people happy - it never really works. they are never happy ... tehy are happy with you only as long as u listen to them. the min u do one single thing that they dont like - u become a villain forever ... and they forget everything u have ever done for them. they never stop towonder about or try to understand why u do things. they just see what you do.
to keep calm and to forget. thats the key. its morning. the night is over. let it go. its raining. again. and i'm home.
home is being with everything thats comfortable. home is no more worrying, translating, censoring, pretending. home is what u have grown up to. home is farenheit. home is being able to vocalise ... any crap - just for fun, or just to make a point - and secure in the knowledge that if u say something u dont mean then the walls on which r words fall know u well enough to know ur talking crap.
for many days have I cried for this
for many years have I waited for this ...
its raining. in cal. and im home. alone. i know it will pass. but while it lasts ... its madeinheaven (it was all meant to be).
its been a while. so it feels strange. im happy. like he said, im trying to live for myself. &^%# the world. when u try to keep people happy - it never really works. they are never happy ... tehy are happy with you only as long as u listen to them. the min u do one single thing that they dont like - u become a villain forever ... and they forget everything u have ever done for them. they never stop towonder about or try to understand why u do things. they just see what you do.
to keep calm and to forget. thats the key. its morning. the night is over. let it go. its raining. again. and i'm home.
home is being with everything thats comfortable. home is no more worrying, translating, censoring, pretending. home is what u have grown up to. home is farenheit. home is being able to vocalise ... any crap - just for fun, or just to make a point - and secure in the knowledge that if u say something u dont mean then the walls on which r words fall know u well enough to know ur talking crap.
on the road again
its time to go again
its time to cry again
this is the worst ... everyone you love
in one place. those rare times
and you walk away
its time to cry again
this is the worst ... everyone you love
in one place. those rare times
and you walk away
quote-unquote
"Real poetry doesn't say anything, it just ticks off the possibilities, opens all doors. You can walk through any one that suits you. If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people from the limited ways in which they see and feel." James Douglas Morrison
and two old poems I rediscovered
while spring-cleaning
tucked away
forgotten
some dusty corner of my cyberspace
THE RING
To go like I came
Unburdened an clean
A full circle
All things contained
PM24032003
YOU
You rode down from the skies
On a deep dark restless night
On the wings of a silver moon
I was wandering alone
Wanted to be far from the madding crowd
I wanted to be on my own for awhile
Suddenly there was sound
And I looked around
And there you were, an angel, an imp, a friend ...
standing right beside me
You caught me unawares
I wasnt looking out for you
Was just so nice to be by your side
I guess my doors were open wide
Didnt notice when you crept quietly in
And made ur self at home
In some quiet corner of my heart
And now it feels so right
Everything is alright
Dont go away
Please, wont you stay
Forever ...
In some quite corner
of my heart.
PM04202003
and two old poems I rediscovered
while spring-cleaning
tucked away
forgotten
some dusty corner of my cyberspace
THE RING
To go like I came
Unburdened an clean
A full circle
All things contained
PM24032003
YOU
You rode down from the skies
On a deep dark restless night
On the wings of a silver moon
I was wandering alone
Wanted to be far from the madding crowd
I wanted to be on my own for awhile
Suddenly there was sound
And I looked around
And there you were, an angel, an imp, a friend ...
standing right beside me
You caught me unawares
I wasnt looking out for you
Was just so nice to be by your side
I guess my doors were open wide
Didnt notice when you crept quietly in
And made ur self at home
In some quiet corner of my heart
And now it feels so right
Everything is alright
Dont go away
Please, wont you stay
Forever ...
In some quite corner
of my heart.
PM04202003
dreaming again
been wanting to write about someone for a long time. a girl i know. my moms friends kid ... but it will be so long ... and so much effort. feeling lazy! im amazed at how much i can sleep! i will. someday. soon ...
feeling a bit lost ...
for the last 7 to 8 odd years my studies and my work has been the only life ive had. i mean ive had major happennings happening in my personal life - obviously ... but my work was all i really gave a shit about
for 5 years i was outside looking in. i loved T with a passion i have never felt for anything or anyone else. for the last 3 yrs - from inside - T was the be all and end all of my existence
now suddenly I feel a 7 yr itch. i feel a strange feeling ... of dissatisfaction. of wanting other things ... of dreaming of other things. all blame to mamta and anirban ... the brat pack ... they set me dreaming impossible dreamz
but it would'nt work and its too late. im not like that. im a mechanic. a mistri type ... gaonwalla type ... i cant do art and literature. best left to ping and pong dreaming grassy dreamz on the chhatta. and im better off where I am ... if im not careful ... ill be the star of the revival of the bird in hand bird in bush story ... nowhere ...
but vani once said - when we were still young and alive - that u cant become who you want to be by staying who you are ... she drew me a rainbow ... or she drew someone else a rainbow and sent it to me. vani. my only real friend of those 4 years ... she'd said she'll mail everyday ... but i knew she wont. and i also knew it wont matter ... because she is a friend. its a concept beyond geography & time and mails and calls and current news ... its a way of being ... and she is.
i remember the abandonded temple in the woods where we used to go to to sit and chat. someone asked me recently if i missed college. i thought of the temples. and a huge orange moon hung way down low ... one evening when i went to call you from ur pg's place. i dont miss college. but i have some very fond memories. for all of my yesterdays -thats true.
feeling a bit lost ...
for the last 7 to 8 odd years my studies and my work has been the only life ive had. i mean ive had major happennings happening in my personal life - obviously ... but my work was all i really gave a shit about
for 5 years i was outside looking in. i loved T with a passion i have never felt for anything or anyone else. for the last 3 yrs - from inside - T was the be all and end all of my existence
now suddenly I feel a 7 yr itch. i feel a strange feeling ... of dissatisfaction. of wanting other things ... of dreaming of other things. all blame to mamta and anirban ... the brat pack ... they set me dreaming impossible dreamz
but it would'nt work and its too late. im not like that. im a mechanic. a mistri type ... gaonwalla type ... i cant do art and literature. best left to ping and pong dreaming grassy dreamz on the chhatta. and im better off where I am ... if im not careful ... ill be the star of the revival of the bird in hand bird in bush story ... nowhere ...
but vani once said - when we were still young and alive - that u cant become who you want to be by staying who you are ... she drew me a rainbow ... or she drew someone else a rainbow and sent it to me. vani. my only real friend of those 4 years ... she'd said she'll mail everyday ... but i knew she wont. and i also knew it wont matter ... because she is a friend. its a concept beyond geography & time and mails and calls and current news ... its a way of being ... and she is.
i remember the abandonded temple in the woods where we used to go to to sit and chat. someone asked me recently if i missed college. i thought of the temples. and a huge orange moon hung way down low ... one evening when i went to call you from ur pg's place. i dont miss college. but i have some very fond memories. for all of my yesterdays -thats true.
relationships
when you have a child, you feel like protecting her from everything. The first grown up tears you see in her eyes, the smoke, the grass, the ways of the world outside ... Each phase of her life she thinks unique,
you have lived through. Each conclusion she draws after nights of struggle, you have done too.
But you cant grow flowers in closed glass shells. You have to let your children be. You have to let them run wild and live. You have to let them explore and discover life on their own. And if they fall or hurt themselves, even irrepairably in the process, you have to shut up and not preach or have heart attacks. in the end its all ok. in the end it never matters. nothing matters. except for you. and what you make of ur 'You'.
All you can do is be around. And be a friend. Even that is sometimes too much for our frail human capacities. Even that we cant really always do ... and we think and dream of doing so much!
When you have a grown up, you expect so much from them. How many of us can really see our parents, or our parent-figures as real people. We see them just as our parents. Why is it such a big deal if u catch ur parents doing something you cant accept when you would think twice about it if it was just another friend. Why is it so hard to accept if our parents are bad people ... we desperately want, need, a parent figure ... we Need to have someone to love blindly, to love us blindly, to take for granted, to take us for granted.
I have heard 'taking people for granted' critised so much. but there is a huge comfort in it. we need that too. along with the hajaar other comforts we run after all our lives
you have lived through. Each conclusion she draws after nights of struggle, you have done too.
But you cant grow flowers in closed glass shells. You have to let your children be. You have to let them run wild and live. You have to let them explore and discover life on their own. And if they fall or hurt themselves, even irrepairably in the process, you have to shut up and not preach or have heart attacks. in the end its all ok. in the end it never matters. nothing matters. except for you. and what you make of ur 'You'.
All you can do is be around. And be a friend. Even that is sometimes too much for our frail human capacities. Even that we cant really always do ... and we think and dream of doing so much!
When you have a grown up, you expect so much from them. How many of us can really see our parents, or our parent-figures as real people. We see them just as our parents. Why is it such a big deal if u catch ur parents doing something you cant accept when you would think twice about it if it was just another friend. Why is it so hard to accept if our parents are bad people ... we desperately want, need, a parent figure ... we Need to have someone to love blindly, to love us blindly, to take for granted, to take us for granted.
I have heard 'taking people for granted' critised so much. but there is a huge comfort in it. we need that too. along with the hajaar other comforts we run after all our lives
unfinished words
i wanted to write about how it feels to hate her
i wanted to write about how it feels to be with all four members of the family after 4 years
i wanted to write about how it feels to be friends with her again
i wanted to write about how it feels to about how it tears me apart that he is gone
i wanted to write about how it feels to realise that i have grown old
that i will never love again ... never write mushy letters to someone ... never miss anyone again ... that im heartless now ...
but pong wants the comp ... so i gotto run and ill come back and finish this later.
i wanted to write about how it feels to be with all four members of the family after 4 years
i wanted to write about how it feels to be friends with her again
i wanted to write about how it feels to about how it tears me apart that he is gone
i wanted to write about how it feels to realise that i have grown old
that i will never love again ... never write mushy letters to someone ... never miss anyone again ... that im heartless now ...
but pong wants the comp ... so i gotto run and ill come back and finish this later.
from outside, looking in
i rarely go to anyones blog anymore. my net time is too limited. but i went to his yesterday. i wanted to show pong what he writes. its amazing how well he writes. his pictures, his poems, his words, his songs everything amazes me. i wonder how he is in real life.
thats something cool about this cyber life. you read what all these people write, everyday. and you have no clue, who they are, what they are like, what they like ... but you form this fixed image in your head ... mira's a momma angel, anu is my dearest forever-weary friend, diya reminds me of my kid sister, poly is a brat, jill is a darling, fgs is an angel ... but we really know nothing about them, do we? we just see one tiny aspect, one face of so many that each person has and like the blind men and the elephant, we draw our conclusions
but then, is real life any different? no. its just the same. i was talking to my dad about this just now. thats the best part about the dubai vacations. always. the early morning chats - all 4 of us - before falling asleep over our whiskey on the rocks and the room full of smoke ... we are such a madcap family. and i love it.
coming back, we never know. what people really are like. or we dont want to know. its like a library. when we join a very big library, we get hooked on to one section wherevere we find a few books we know and love. and we seldon bother the explore the whole library. thats why we often feel that have rediscovered someone we knew for ages ... but in our blindness we dont recognise this rediscovery for what it is. instead, we say they have changed, or we feel betrayed, or let down. but in all probabality, what we see is something that was always there. we just didnt chose to see it till now.
and does the same thing not apply to ourselves. are we not as blind and as blindly confident in our understanding of ourselves, as well as others. i, for one, dont know myself at all. everyday I discover something new about myself. its fascinating. when I was younger I too thought that I am changing, evolving everyday ... but now I feel, perhaps I am just on an everlasting journey of self discovery. and perhaps thats all Im here for. and perhaps its not such a bad thing, this self obsession.
thats something cool about this cyber life. you read what all these people write, everyday. and you have no clue, who they are, what they are like, what they like ... but you form this fixed image in your head ... mira's a momma angel, anu is my dearest forever-weary friend, diya reminds me of my kid sister, poly is a brat, jill is a darling, fgs is an angel ... but we really know nothing about them, do we? we just see one tiny aspect, one face of so many that each person has and like the blind men and the elephant, we draw our conclusions
but then, is real life any different? no. its just the same. i was talking to my dad about this just now. thats the best part about the dubai vacations. always. the early morning chats - all 4 of us - before falling asleep over our whiskey on the rocks and the room full of smoke ... we are such a madcap family. and i love it.
coming back, we never know. what people really are like. or we dont want to know. its like a library. when we join a very big library, we get hooked on to one section wherevere we find a few books we know and love. and we seldon bother the explore the whole library. thats why we often feel that have rediscovered someone we knew for ages ... but in our blindness we dont recognise this rediscovery for what it is. instead, we say they have changed, or we feel betrayed, or let down. but in all probabality, what we see is something that was always there. we just didnt chose to see it till now.
and does the same thing not apply to ourselves. are we not as blind and as blindly confident in our understanding of ourselves, as well as others. i, for one, dont know myself at all. everyday I discover something new about myself. its fascinating. when I was younger I too thought that I am changing, evolving everyday ... but now I feel, perhaps I am just on an everlasting journey of self discovery. and perhaps thats all Im here for. and perhaps its not such a bad thing, this self obsession.
now i have the fever once again
been down with the flu. endless hours on my little bed, next to my little window, and waiting for her to come home reminds me of my childhood
she wanted to open a bottle of wine last night. we chose a white bcz of the pong ... but ping and pong left after a glass ... i know she "hates her" and all the reasons and justifications ... but ... cant they maintain peace for a birthday?
people are so intolerant? everyone has flaws ... glaring hideous - ugly flaws ... unbearable, revolting. still you have to love them. you have to ignore the bad and love the good. but she says Im nuts
guess its just a phase. guess I was like that then too. hard. clean. proud. unbending??? now Im softer cz Im beaten to pulp? no - I dont want her like that. she's better of like this. my little angel pong. atleast she's still clean. free from cancerous pity and fear
saw hrishikesh. who is he? tvs saregama(pa) ... dunno ... he has this innocent clean on his face. i saw him and felt scared. at the thought of him going through life ... here. now. like you'd feel scared if a happy cheerful shirping sparrow was hopping into a cobra's nest. thats the life Ive seen. thats the world Ive seen.
i lay on the terrace last night. on the railing ... at the edge. with a arm and a leg hanging on the otherside. vast stories rushing down below ... what a feeling. above ... cerullean skies, silver stars, wispy clouds and flashing lighting ... and ram da's jasmine spreading soaking sweet all around.
vertigo ... fear you will want to fall? yes - just finished "unbearable lightness ..." . back to sarte. "what is literature". read high fidelity. its re-defining. I lost my dvd though :(
Im listening to who's next, tommy and "breaks like a little girl" and ofcourse ghalib in the night. leaving for dubai today ... dreading it. empty rooms. dunno when Ill write again.
she wanted to open a bottle of wine last night. we chose a white bcz of the pong ... but ping and pong left after a glass ... i know she "hates her" and all the reasons and justifications ... but ... cant they maintain peace for a birthday?
people are so intolerant? everyone has flaws ... glaring hideous - ugly flaws ... unbearable, revolting. still you have to love them. you have to ignore the bad and love the good. but she says Im nuts
guess its just a phase. guess I was like that then too. hard. clean. proud. unbending??? now Im softer cz Im beaten to pulp? no - I dont want her like that. she's better of like this. my little angel pong. atleast she's still clean. free from cancerous pity and fear
saw hrishikesh. who is he? tvs saregama(pa) ... dunno ... he has this innocent clean on his face. i saw him and felt scared. at the thought of him going through life ... here. now. like you'd feel scared if a happy cheerful shirping sparrow was hopping into a cobra's nest. thats the life Ive seen. thats the world Ive seen.
i lay on the terrace last night. on the railing ... at the edge. with a arm and a leg hanging on the otherside. vast stories rushing down below ... what a feeling. above ... cerullean skies, silver stars, wispy clouds and flashing lighting ... and ram da's jasmine spreading soaking sweet all around.
vertigo ... fear you will want to fall? yes - just finished "unbearable lightness ..." . back to sarte. "what is literature". read high fidelity. its re-defining. I lost my dvd though :(
Im listening to who's next, tommy and "breaks like a little girl" and ofcourse ghalib in the night. leaving for dubai today ... dreading it. empty rooms. dunno when Ill write again.
cry, sky of mine ... cry
it was my first rains in kolkata after ages
a real proper calcutta rain
the kinds where you bring down your glass windchimes for fear that they will break
and the kinds where you
run up to the terrace to get soaked in and ur
skin hurts bcz its coming down so hard
awesome rain ...
wild rain ...
driving rain
pouring rain
it raged all night
and in the morning when I woke
it had just begun to calm down
to a normal drop drop rythm
everyone was sleeping ... everyone wakes up late and sleeps late at my place ...
my room has huge windows all around and its just below the terrace (actually everyones is ...)
and the curtains were drawn
the room was dark, still, calm ...
and rain fell around
i woke up to the rythm ...
it felt like the sea waves
on the shell of a curled up animal
which reminded me of rahul and how he used to call me a turtle ... i miss rahul ...
and i fell back into
dream of seas, sand, solitude, sunrise or sunset and
gulls crying
went to SPE friday night anyway
it was great - someof the old adventure
not knowing if we will be able to go
till the end
it had all become so easy after we "grew-up"
and then sat again ... dylan night
met pom. she was a surpise
so different from what I expected
but so sweet. fresh. funny.
cute ... :)
she told me I looked "really old" compared to what she'd expected. which made me happy i guess :)
but the best thing was sunday ...
rahul II, munal and me ... we just lazed and roamed and loafed beyond imagining. and tried to redine
goodoldfashinoned kolkata style
changrami ...
a real proper calcutta rain
the kinds where you bring down your glass windchimes for fear that they will break
and the kinds where you
run up to the terrace to get soaked in and ur
skin hurts bcz its coming down so hard
awesome rain ...
wild rain ...
driving rain
pouring rain
it raged all night
and in the morning when I woke
it had just begun to calm down
to a normal drop drop rythm
everyone was sleeping ... everyone wakes up late and sleeps late at my place ...
my room has huge windows all around and its just below the terrace (actually everyones is ...)
and the curtains were drawn
the room was dark, still, calm ...
and rain fell around
i woke up to the rythm ...
it felt like the sea waves
on the shell of a curled up animal
which reminded me of rahul and how he used to call me a turtle ... i miss rahul ...
and i fell back into
dream of seas, sand, solitude, sunrise or sunset and
gulls crying
went to SPE friday night anyway
it was great - someof the old adventure
not knowing if we will be able to go
till the end
it had all become so easy after we "grew-up"
and then sat again ... dylan night
met pom. she was a surpise
so different from what I expected
but so sweet. fresh. funny.
cute ... :)
she told me I looked "really old" compared to what she'd expected. which made me happy i guess :)
but the best thing was sunday ...
rahul II, munal and me ... we just lazed and roamed and loafed beyond imagining. and tried to redine
goodoldfashinoned kolkata style
changrami ...
im blue grey brown
i keep telling myself that its a new road ahead and all thatcrap
everything will be allright
no one is ever irrevokably, irredeemably doomed, cursed, written of...theres hope. but like everything else - Ivebecome numb to thattoo - underneath it all
everything i say do react to ... its all false - its all crap ...im smiling, laughing, talking bcz if u knew - u would ask ... and if i told u the truth ... it would take me a year or two to finish for starts ...itsbeen such a long life
anyway - fuck it - who cares ... i met pom at t SPE - dylan night ... it was great. she is great
but its funny how you form these pre conceptions about people ... when u really haveno clue ... do you
like its funny how we interpret things everywhere - all forms of communication and cling to them in all our convinced glory
i miss sauce ... and chatts ...miss them like crazy. a "homecoming" doesnt seem complete without them ...
spoke to jinx ... mu bestfriend. everything is so sordid
i wonder why ... is that all its about ...an endless series of let downs and dissapointments and curious people with their sordid curiousity?
no one really gives a flying fuck how you feel or if it can be fixed ... they justwanna know how /why / when ..."give them the story" "pour on the juice"
screwball ...i sound bitter and pissed off. not really. its just that being back in cal makes me a wee little bit truer to self and im more of a creep openly than otherwise
everything will be allright
no one is ever irrevokably, irredeemably doomed, cursed, written of...theres hope. but like everything else - Ivebecome numb to thattoo - underneath it all
everything i say do react to ... its all false - its all crap ...im smiling, laughing, talking bcz if u knew - u would ask ... and if i told u the truth ... it would take me a year or two to finish for starts ...itsbeen such a long life
anyway - fuck it - who cares ... i met pom at t SPE - dylan night ... it was great. she is great
but its funny how you form these pre conceptions about people ... when u really haveno clue ... do you
like its funny how we interpret things everywhere - all forms of communication and cling to them in all our convinced glory
i miss sauce ... and chatts ...miss them like crazy. a "homecoming" doesnt seem complete without them ...
spoke to jinx ... mu bestfriend. everything is so sordid
i wonder why ... is that all its about ...an endless series of let downs and dissapointments and curious people with their sordid curiousity?
no one really gives a flying fuck how you feel or if it can be fixed ... they justwanna know how /why / when ..."give them the story" "pour on the juice"
screwball ...i sound bitter and pissed off. not really. its just that being back in cal makes me a wee little bit truer to self and im more of a creep openly than otherwise
black night
i had the strangest dream...
i dreamt of one person divided into two
good and bad
and i killed the bad
in the horriblest way
i wrote this weird thing last night ...
cz I couldnt sleep
and i couldnt bear the mosquiotoes anymore
the ac was on in my room downstairs
but i was on the terrace
wondering if it would rain again
have you ever seen the rain?
"
its coming down in inky black
sheets and sheets white white streaks
im split in two
whos is who
why does the mirror still look so naive...
there was a scar,from every blow
why dont the scars show
because if you dont show the scars
if you hide ur pain and tears
they'llonly curse you
sooner or later
and be shocked at the mask
i cry all the time
cryings what i do
suddenly, mid conversation, mid-hug, mid-joke
i cant hold it anymore
looking back
i can trace
when my life started going wrong
6 months before i was born
thats wherethe mistkaes start
i dont have eyes
i dont have a mind
i dont have a heart
anymore
im just a crazy
blurr in the mirror
but it doesnt matter anymore"
i dreamt of one person divided into two
good and bad
and i killed the bad
in the horriblest way
i wrote this weird thing last night ...
cz I couldnt sleep
and i couldnt bear the mosquiotoes anymore
the ac was on in my room downstairs
but i was on the terrace
wondering if it would rain again
have you ever seen the rain?
"
its coming down in inky black
sheets and sheets white white streaks
im split in two
whos is who
why does the mirror still look so naive...
there was a scar,from every blow
why dont the scars show
because if you dont show the scars
if you hide ur pain and tears
they'llonly curse you
sooner or later
and be shocked at the mask
i cry all the time
cryings what i do
suddenly, mid conversation, mid-hug, mid-joke
i cant hold it anymore
looking back
i can trace
when my life started going wrong
6 months before i was born
thats wherethe mistkaes start
i dont have eyes
i dont have a mind
i dont have a heart
anymore
im just a crazy
blurr in the mirror
but it doesnt matter anymore"
its been so long since ...
its been 3 alomst years since i did this stuff
how did i ever do it!!! im back exactly where i started
the same crowd, the same team, same cobol, same black and green screen, same 6 year old broken computer, same 'analysis' ...
its so frustrating that i feel like resigning
or putting a gun to my head
and i did it to myself on purpose
sometimes i feel like laughing at myself
and big bloody srewball life i lead
how do i make u see
withouht seeing horror or blankness
in ur baby eyes
its not u -it never was
its just me i was outto destroy
how do i tell u to keep away
the hate i throw
like acid in ur face
was only for me inside
how do i make u go away
to safe places and normal people
im a little crazy
i always was
then being near her just makes it go wild
ive hated her, ive loved her
ive wanted to kill her
ivewanted to slap her, stamp her out, to break eevrything that was her
and ive hated myself
when the wonder returns
at how sweet she is - and how much i love her
how did i ever do it!!! im back exactly where i started
the same crowd, the same team, same cobol, same black and green screen, same 6 year old broken computer, same 'analysis' ...
its so frustrating that i feel like resigning
or putting a gun to my head
and i did it to myself on purpose
sometimes i feel like laughing at myself
and big bloody srewball life i lead
how do i make u see
withouht seeing horror or blankness
in ur baby eyes
its not u -it never was
its just me i was outto destroy
how do i tell u to keep away
the hate i throw
like acid in ur face
was only for me inside
how do i make u go away
to safe places and normal people
im a little crazy
i always was
then being near her just makes it go wild
ive hated her, ive loved her
ive wanted to kill her
ivewanted to slap her, stamp her out, to break eevrything that was her
and ive hated myself
when the wonder returns
at how sweet she is - and how much i love her
after a long time - i was at work and something was happening
it was such an awesome feeling
however well i know i screwed up
and however bad this is ... its still a new start and
im still a part of %$# ... sheesh ... how institutionalised can you get!
anyway ... its like a new class after exams
however you screwed up in the exams
and whatever the f%^& u did in thehols
its still a new class!
it was such an awesome feeling
however well i know i screwed up
and however bad this is ... its still a new start and
im still a part of %$# ... sheesh ... how institutionalised can you get!
anyway ... its like a new class after exams
however you screwed up in the exams
and whatever the f%^& u did in thehols
its still a new class!
and life sucks on ...
they are all ur best friends
though they never have a clue
of whats happening inside you
of all the demons chasing ur soul
they want to laugh and joke and booze and play
and roll in the grass
their world is a nursery world
of lullabies and honour and decencies
ur nurseries were painted with blood
ur nightlight burnt with incest
the very flowers that scent ur soul ... are deseert blooms of bitter fruits
poison ivy ... pretty, sweet and deadly
the breast that suckled you bled poison into ur veins
they cradle they rocked you on, the world you grew up in
the walls the gradens, the skies where you ran free and wild
a dessert, a sea, and lonely forests
they say they are your friends - near and dear
but how can you tell them
and how can you show them
what you know
though they never have a clue
of whats happening inside you
of all the demons chasing ur soul
they want to laugh and joke and booze and play
and roll in the grass
their world is a nursery world
of lullabies and honour and decencies
ur nurseries were painted with blood
ur nightlight burnt with incest
the very flowers that scent ur soul ... are deseert blooms of bitter fruits
poison ivy ... pretty, sweet and deadly
the breast that suckled you bled poison into ur veins
they cradle they rocked you on, the world you grew up in
the walls the gradens, the skies where you ran free and wild
a dessert, a sea, and lonely forests
they say they are your friends - near and dear
but how can you tell them
and how can you show them
what you know
the prodigal returns
been two weeks or so since ive been back here
so much had happened - both good and bad
i was dreading being back - scared of facing ghosts
but surprise - its been a long sweet dream till now
there! now that Ive said it out loud at last
i guess ill have screwballs for
breakfastlunchanddinner from tomorrow!
i was only away for 14 months ...
but so much has changed here
my palio has "grown smaller" my moms car
looks more familiar
my flowerchild kid sis has grown techier
than me
and her room has the writing on the wall ...
all over the walls and the ceiling ...
its mindFblowing!
and one of the only souls
i was looking fwd to meeting again has
moved on to other pastures ... my leo is gone
the #$%$^& didnt even tell me. she told me now.
after i came back ... i asked her to shut up -
i didnt wanna discuss it - and i made some f%^*#
pleasenteries ... but i howled loud all night and
woke up with a stomach ache. so u see -
in the real matters ur still alone -
as always ... bcz ur not brave enough to
let anyone get that close ...
as for the rest - the fat one is here -
so the nights have been a long blur of rock
and booze and someplace else or on the terrace.
its heaven. been so long since I hung around
with some "normal people" - somehow martinians
never get to accept people who didnt go to "S chool"
as normal. and when six martinians get together
its mayhem and it rocks ...
the fat one - was "my first love" - at the
tender age of 10 up until the not so tender
age of 18 ... ofcourse he never paid any
attention cz you dont pay attention to girls
3 yrs junior when ur in school. we've been
good friends ever since and its
fun meeting him again.
i still miss "out there" though ...
so much had happened - both good and bad
i was dreading being back - scared of facing ghosts
but surprise - its been a long sweet dream till now
there! now that Ive said it out loud at last
i guess ill have screwballs for
breakfastlunchanddinner from tomorrow!
i was only away for 14 months ...
but so much has changed here
my palio has "grown smaller" my moms car
looks more familiar
my flowerchild kid sis has grown techier
than me
and her room has the writing on the wall ...
all over the walls and the ceiling ...
its mindFblowing!
and one of the only souls
i was looking fwd to meeting again has
moved on to other pastures ... my leo is gone
the #$%$^& didnt even tell me. she told me now.
after i came back ... i asked her to shut up -
i didnt wanna discuss it - and i made some f%^*#
pleasenteries ... but i howled loud all night and
woke up with a stomach ache. so u see -
in the real matters ur still alone -
as always ... bcz ur not brave enough to
let anyone get that close ...
as for the rest - the fat one is here -
so the nights have been a long blur of rock
and booze and someplace else or on the terrace.
its heaven. been so long since I hung around
with some "normal people" - somehow martinians
never get to accept people who didnt go to "S chool"
as normal. and when six martinians get together
its mayhem and it rocks ...
the fat one - was "my first love" - at the
tender age of 10 up until the not so tender
age of 18 ... ofcourse he never paid any
attention cz you dont pay attention to girls
3 yrs junior when ur in school. we've been
good friends ever since and its
fun meeting him again.
i still miss "out there" though ...