been home for a week or so
feels like i had never left
took all my stuff out of packings and wrappings
and laid it all out again
strange tpo be back amongst my own again
own books, room, music, movies ...
i'm slipping out of the me of the last few decades,
that built a world out of these things
i'm peeping out
been here for years but never been to ccfc for new years
somehow
might go this year
funny place where i am
so much has changed
and so much still the same
its so easy to slip into sweet promises
you cannot afford to mean
gypsies and travellers
cant afford to pick up so much luggage
still amongst it all, you feel like your floating
travelling, desperately seeking
someone, something, somewhere which i can sense, but not grasp
like the half remembered word
tease ...
leaving you
this should be routine by now.
the sorrow, the shame, the betrayal,
but somehow this time hurts more than ever before.
i dont know why. what will tomorrow bring?
i had burned all my bridges and
headed out towards a distant glimmering dream.
now as it shimmers and teases, and fades further
with each step i take,
and as my breath slowly ebbs,
and as i think of the time
i have remaining, and how ambitious my dreams,
i wonder where i'll end up in end.
what waits around the next bend?
the sorrow, the shame, the betrayal,
but somehow this time hurts more than ever before.
i dont know why. what will tomorrow bring?
i had burned all my bridges and
headed out towards a distant glimmering dream.
now as it shimmers and teases, and fades further
with each step i take,
and as my breath slowly ebbs,
and as i think of the time
i have remaining, and how ambitious my dreams,
i wonder where i'll end up in end.
what waits around the next bend?
goodbye again
i had saved up months of longing,
of patiently waiting, of missing you
i spoke to noone about you
i spoke to noone about anything that matters
i collected each tear-ghost, each bastard-wish,
that i had no right to make, that came out of nowhere,
each night, spent awake, counting sighs that i didnt sigh,
and when the weight of it all grew too much,
when it threatened to tumble and fall
then out of nowhere, your voice rang out
once again, in the middle of the night, in the dark room,
i huddled on the floor cradling my phone, delicate
fragile, fleeting, the most precious of connections
how did you know i had been calling
how did you know i was giving up?
or on the verge.
i borrowed you back for a few seconds
i crammed it all in, packing time best i could
but efficiency was never my forte
i rambled uselessly
silly songs i had heard, that had made me think
of you and smile
decisions i had made
paths i had chosen
but there was still so much to say
before we timed out
and so much to not say
so much you can never say
and this too, that i never thought you didnt
get in touch last year because you "felt odd"
yes. it was the worst time of my life
in a way, it still is
she took a lot with her
so many things
whatever you had left behind
most of that she took away
now there are just a few things left
like the laptop
an obscure reference
but maybe you'll get it
but maybe its for the best
what would i say had there been the time and chance
i'm sure its for the best
anyway. what will be marker this time?
from veer zara to umrao jaan :)
of patiently waiting, of missing you
i spoke to noone about you
i spoke to noone about anything that matters
i collected each tear-ghost, each bastard-wish,
that i had no right to make, that came out of nowhere,
each night, spent awake, counting sighs that i didnt sigh,
and when the weight of it all grew too much,
when it threatened to tumble and fall
then out of nowhere, your voice rang out
once again, in the middle of the night, in the dark room,
i huddled on the floor cradling my phone, delicate
fragile, fleeting, the most precious of connections
how did you know i had been calling
how did you know i was giving up?
or on the verge.
i borrowed you back for a few seconds
i crammed it all in, packing time best i could
but efficiency was never my forte
i rambled uselessly
silly songs i had heard, that had made me think
of you and smile
decisions i had made
paths i had chosen
but there was still so much to say
before we timed out
and so much to not say
so much you can never say
and this too, that i never thought you didnt
get in touch last year because you "felt odd"
yes. it was the worst time of my life
in a way, it still is
she took a lot with her
so many things
whatever you had left behind
most of that she took away
now there are just a few things left
like the laptop
an obscure reference
but maybe you'll get it
but maybe its for the best
what would i say had there been the time and chance
i'm sure its for the best
anyway. what will be marker this time?
from veer zara to umrao jaan :)
parting
ever since i was born, i have borne partings.
every few months, everytime i got used to one setup, one house,
one set of people, one set of gaurdians, i had to move to another.
one would think, by now, i'd get used to it. yet, somehow, i never do.
life has taught me to put down roots easily.
i get attached to new people before i know whats happening
strange places become home. i used to say, home is anywhere
i spend the night. i carry my home inside me.
life has taught to make friends quickly and fast.
and then labelled me unfaithful for being a good student.
but what i havent learnt is how to dull the agony of parting.
it still shatters me, everytime, to say goodbye.
and the last years new lessons taught me that partings
are not always followed by reunions.
everytime you leave your family,
you will not see them again, next year, next summer.
i have grown up seeing my father once a year.
somewhere, there was a hope that if i wait long enough
time will come, when we will be together forever
one day, we will all live together. so i waited.
but time changes everything. time erodes the goalposts
even while you are running towards them
so that panting, coughing blood, when you somehow
arrive, somehow survive, there's nothing but ghosts to greet you.
time takes everything away. you try to pluck a moment and
freeze it in your heart, but when you take it out again'
in some quiet corner of a faraway tommorow,
you find nothing but ghosts of memories. fast fading.
so the wise let go of each moment as it passes
they live only in the one they find themselves in
i have learned that trick with places and people
teach me how to do it with time. teach me to be a master of time.
every few months, everytime i got used to one setup, one house,
one set of people, one set of gaurdians, i had to move to another.
one would think, by now, i'd get used to it. yet, somehow, i never do.
life has taught me to put down roots easily.
i get attached to new people before i know whats happening
strange places become home. i used to say, home is anywhere
i spend the night. i carry my home inside me.
life has taught to make friends quickly and fast.
and then labelled me unfaithful for being a good student.
but what i havent learnt is how to dull the agony of parting.
it still shatters me, everytime, to say goodbye.
and the last years new lessons taught me that partings
are not always followed by reunions.
everytime you leave your family,
you will not see them again, next year, next summer.
i have grown up seeing my father once a year.
somewhere, there was a hope that if i wait long enough
time will come, when we will be together forever
one day, we will all live together. so i waited.
but time changes everything. time erodes the goalposts
even while you are running towards them
so that panting, coughing blood, when you somehow
arrive, somehow survive, there's nothing but ghosts to greet you.
time takes everything away. you try to pluck a moment and
freeze it in your heart, but when you take it out again'
in some quiet corner of a faraway tommorow,
you find nothing but ghosts of memories. fast fading.
so the wise let go of each moment as it passes
they live only in the one they find themselves in
i have learned that trick with places and people
teach me how to do it with time. teach me to be a master of time.
Yesterday
can you feel jealous, hurt, betrayed, in retrospect?
funny, how i used to ask you about it, jokingly
and you always were so calm. that should have rung a bell
but no, its a bit funny, how foolish i was
and naiive, to believe all your lies
such a big lie, why did you do it? i feel like asking you
your morning prayers, your chinese screens, your games
i dont think you can be, indignant in retrospect ...
just glad for any happiness anyone finds and
gladder that i'm far away from all of it
Originally Posted at Prerona.
funny, how i used to ask you about it, jokingly
and you always were so calm. that should have rung a bell
but no, its a bit funny, how foolish i was
and naiive, to believe all your lies
such a big lie, why did you do it? i feel like asking you
your morning prayers, your chinese screens, your games
i dont think you can be, indignant in retrospect ...
just glad for any happiness anyone finds and
gladder that i'm far away from all of it
Originally Posted at Prerona.
time to go again
still feels like i barely got here
and its time to go again
leaving for calcutta on the 19th
i still have 2 weeks of hols left
why am i going there? it feels so ironic at times
there were 2 years of my life when i didnt have
to split time between calcutta and dubai
i was in texas and i didnt come home for 2 years
ironically, those years bought even bigger sorrows
the kind that maim and leave permanent scars
perhaps, the worst 2 years of my life
i guess compared to that, these are small things to bear
splitting time and love and loyalties
there are many things i think about writing here
but it never comes out
like most people i know, this page is too much of a stranger
to share anything so intimate with
or even anything too thoughtful
bcz if you shout at the wrong wall,
the echoes that will come back will be too crass
and insensible and stupid to bear
so why do we keep writing blogs
the people who do not write about news, or reviews,
or travel, or humour. what is it about this page that
you cant shake off? or maybe that question can be
extended to society. except for 3 or 4 people i have known
all my life, no one will really come close enough for me
to be my true self with, to share anything close to truth
i will be polite and funny, and sectretly, condescending
but why bother then? i spent 5 years starkly alone
i lived away from the friends i had, and made not even a single
acquaintaince to fill the space left by them
did i miss people? no. i still say what i got beaten up for saying
as a kid: no company is better than 'filler' company
and its time to go again
leaving for calcutta on the 19th
i still have 2 weeks of hols left
why am i going there? it feels so ironic at times
there were 2 years of my life when i didnt have
to split time between calcutta and dubai
i was in texas and i didnt come home for 2 years
ironically, those years bought even bigger sorrows
the kind that maim and leave permanent scars
perhaps, the worst 2 years of my life
i guess compared to that, these are small things to bear
splitting time and love and loyalties
there are many things i think about writing here
but it never comes out
like most people i know, this page is too much of a stranger
to share anything so intimate with
or even anything too thoughtful
bcz if you shout at the wrong wall,
the echoes that will come back will be too crass
and insensible and stupid to bear
so why do we keep writing blogs
the people who do not write about news, or reviews,
or travel, or humour. what is it about this page that
you cant shake off? or maybe that question can be
extended to society. except for 3 or 4 people i have known
all my life, no one will really come close enough for me
to be my true self with, to share anything close to truth
i will be polite and funny, and sectretly, condescending
but why bother then? i spent 5 years starkly alone
i lived away from the friends i had, and made not even a single
acquaintaince to fill the space left by them
did i miss people? no. i still say what i got beaten up for saying
as a kid: no company is better than 'filler' company
Updates
Your life is changing, and so is your style. You're a sign with definite ideas about who you are, so this is not easy to accept at first. But as you see different things in the world, your mode of presentation changes.
Imagine that you had a doppelganger. No, not an evil one, but a totally fearless double, one who was willing to push past all the doubts and anxieties and act anyway. Could you actually be your own best example?
My horoscope keeps telling me strange things. And my Uni, stranger.
For a moment it really feels like life is changing, like I am changing.
Is this really me? Then, the old fears, doubts and ghosts come back again.
And old losses. Aches in phantom limbs.
I was sitting in the back seat of the car, on the way from Jebel Ali to Mall of Emirates, thinking of such things and letting old ghosts go ... when a nusrat fateh ali khan show on radio sung this song "tum kab pardes se wapas ayoge, main ghut ghut mar jayunga, phir kisko jaan kahoge" ... musical irony
Imagine that you had a doppelganger. No, not an evil one, but a totally fearless double, one who was willing to push past all the doubts and anxieties and act anyway. Could you actually be your own best example?
My horoscope keeps telling me strange things. And my Uni, stranger.
For a moment it really feels like life is changing, like I am changing.
Is this really me? Then, the old fears, doubts and ghosts come back again.
And old losses. Aches in phantom limbs.
I was sitting in the back seat of the car, on the way from Jebel Ali to Mall of Emirates, thinking of such things and letting old ghosts go ... when a nusrat fateh ali khan show on radio sung this song "tum kab pardes se wapas ayoge, main ghut ghut mar jayunga, phir kisko jaan kahoge" ... musical irony
dxb
when i logged in i was offered the option to switch to beta - itching to try it out but when i clicked it, it said i couldnt. damn!
i desperately want to sort out the half million blogs, delete a million crappy posts and collect the rest in one place.
sometimes there's no time, and at others there's no resources. the net just barely works here. and i dont have much net time. hmmm ...
got into a raging fight with the bmi lady at check in. there's this lady (?) called emma i always get into a fight with. have done once before as well. she's a real nasty one. i hate flying now with all the hassles they keep dreaming up everyday.
its fun to be home though. getting (even more) fattened up with a non stop supply of goodies from the excellent and awesome bahadur singh, god bless him!
i desperately want to sort out the half million blogs, delete a million crappy posts and collect the rest in one place.
sometimes there's no time, and at others there's no resources. the net just barely works here. and i dont have much net time. hmmm ...
got into a raging fight with the bmi lady at check in. there's this lady (?) called emma i always get into a fight with. have done once before as well. she's a real nasty one. i hate flying now with all the hassles they keep dreaming up everyday.
its fun to be home though. getting (even more) fattened up with a non stop supply of goodies from the excellent and awesome bahadur singh, god bless him!
hajaar mountains in the rain
I'm back at a strange place
Half familiar, half forgotten
I havent been home, to this one,
In winter, for years ... and alone.
How could four walls and a patch of
green change so much in a season?
The mountains in the backdrop, that I have always seen austere and dusty, dry, are rain soaked.
The winds that roar outside,
are not hot enough to burn skin.
And in the sky,
float clouds: pretty, bluish grey.
I want to walk out to the mountains.
More than ever they call me.
In this season,
I can sit for hours on the old bleached beech swing,
and cut back and forth through
the cloud of memories we have wea\ved around it,
for 18 years ...
18 years we have inhabited this house,
every odd vacation
but it still doesnt feel like home
but then, 18 is less than 31, and still
this life doesnt feel like home.
sitting alone with him in the dozing evening,
i remember the time i first saw him,
its been 18 years
as times goes by all the memories fade
and grow less cool
leaving behind just the calculations
tallying time ...
'quiet desperation' is stuck in my head
and i want to go home ... and read it again
a find a smile as i sneak up on myself ...
thats all there is to it then
home is where all my books are
watched dead poets society, bluffmaster and binodini (sorry, chokher bali) again ...
i never understand
wish i could read bangla enough to read the book
why did meggie come back?
had he read the book, or is there a common thread,
found it in many others as well
she is so hauntingly familiar
she makes me shiver
greed is like barnacles
unbearingly, fascinatingly,
disgustingly, irresistibly ugly
across time and geography,
its never been allowed us
its dead poets that reminded me of quiet desperation
and why did that remind mee of 'end of ...'?
and popcorn, and rainy days, and shadowy rooms
and hiding in corners with words.
loneliness has a sharp edge of desperation
most of the times, we dont venture there
our eyes meet, but i turn away
i dont want to go your way
but what would turn out, i wonder
if i let it loose? what would the desperation do?
Half familiar, half forgotten
I havent been home, to this one,
In winter, for years ... and alone.
How could four walls and a patch of
green change so much in a season?
The mountains in the backdrop, that I have always seen austere and dusty, dry, are rain soaked.
The winds that roar outside,
are not hot enough to burn skin.
And in the sky,
float clouds: pretty, bluish grey.
I want to walk out to the mountains.
More than ever they call me.
In this season,
I can sit for hours on the old bleached beech swing,
and cut back and forth through
the cloud of memories we have wea\ved around it,
for 18 years ...
18 years we have inhabited this house,
every odd vacation
but it still doesnt feel like home
but then, 18 is less than 31, and still
this life doesnt feel like home.
sitting alone with him in the dozing evening,
i remember the time i first saw him,
its been 18 years
as times goes by all the memories fade
and grow less cool
leaving behind just the calculations
tallying time ...
'quiet desperation' is stuck in my head
and i want to go home ... and read it again
a find a smile as i sneak up on myself ...
thats all there is to it then
home is where all my books are
watched dead poets society, bluffmaster and binodini (sorry, chokher bali) again ...
i never understand
wish i could read bangla enough to read the book
why did meggie come back?
had he read the book, or is there a common thread,
found it in many others as well
she is so hauntingly familiar
she makes me shiver
greed is like barnacles
unbearingly, fascinatingly,
disgustingly, irresistibly ugly
across time and geography,
its never been allowed us
its dead poets that reminded me of quiet desperation
and why did that remind mee of 'end of ...'?
and popcorn, and rainy days, and shadowy rooms
and hiding in corners with words.
loneliness has a sharp edge of desperation
most of the times, we dont venture there
our eyes meet, but i turn away
i dont want to go your way
but what would turn out, i wonder
if i let it loose? what would the desperation do?
Phantom Song: Once Again
the song. the current obsession. wanna see it again
It hurts so much to remember
To hear your voice again
To hear the sound of you laughing
Been so long since I felt the pain
Thank you ...
So now I feel alive again
This time the door slammed for good
Ghosts will be laid to rest
My knees hurt from kneeling at our grave
Perhaps its time to move on ...
Take care. Be good. Wish you well
Jokes on me again
I'll wait for you further down, at the bend
Till your done, with this round, again
Originally Posted at Prerona.
missing you. blue. true. :D
barbie munal
Originally uploaded by prerona.
barbie, bebu: Then
DSC03838
Originally uploaded by prerona.
barbie, bebu: Now
Trekkers United
Originally uploaded by prerona.
barbie, bebu: Forever
I'm a Goddess! Yeah, Right!
I'm a Goddess (yeah, right!
Horoscope for the day says:
Believe it or not, you have a twin, and not an evil one, either. This 'twin' is more like an inner child. It's your double, the self you would be if you had no fears, anxieties or misconceptions. Access that energy now.
And how do you find her? Wish I knew ...
And what about this me? Like I had once said before, what happens to the thorns that we pare off as we shape ourselves into who we want to be?
New discovery: I love my notebook!
Horoscope for the day says:
Believe it or not, you have a twin, and not an evil one, either. This 'twin' is more like an inner child. It's your double, the self you would be if you had no fears, anxieties or misconceptions. Access that energy now.
And how do you find her? Wish I knew ...
And what about this me? Like I had once said before, what happens to the thorns that we pare off as we shape ourselves into who we want to be?
New discovery: I love my notebook!
Phantom Song: Once Again
the song. the current obsession. wanna see it again
It hurts so much to remember
To hear your voice again
To hear the sound of you laughing
Been so long since I felt the pain
Thank you ...
So now I feel alive again
This time the door slammed for good
Ghosts will be laid to rest
My knees hurt from kneeling at our grave
Perhaps its time to move on ...
Take care. Be good. Wish you well
Jokes on me again
I'll wait for you further down, at the bend
Till your done, with this round, again
Yeh kya jagah hai doston
ye kyaa jagah hain dosato, ye kaun saa dayaar hain
had-ye-nigaah tak jahaa, gubaar hee gubaar hai
ye kis makaam par hayaat muz ko leke aa gaee
naa bas khushee pe hain jahaa, naa gam pe ikhtaiyaar hai
tamaam umar kaa hisaab maangatee hain jindagee
ye meraa dil kahe to kyaa, ye khud se sharmasaar hai
bulaa rahaa hain kaun muz ko, chilamanon ke us taraf
mere liye bhee kyaa koee, udaas bekaraar hai
Originally Posted at Prerona.
had-ye-nigaah tak jahaa, gubaar hee gubaar hai
ye kis makaam par hayaat muz ko leke aa gaee
naa bas khushee pe hain jahaa, naa gam pe ikhtaiyaar hai
tamaam umar kaa hisaab maangatee hain jindagee
ye meraa dil kahe to kyaa, ye khud se sharmasaar hai
bulaa rahaa hain kaun muz ko, chilamanon ke us taraf
mere liye bhee kyaa koee, udaas bekaraar hai
Originally Posted at Prerona.
That's where, I wanna be ...
Little friends at Maneybhanjan
Originally uploaded by prerona.
On the way up to Rammam
Originally uploaded by prerona.
Lone house on the way up to Rammam
Originally uploaded by prerona.
View from Rammam
Originally uploaded by prerona.
View from Maneybhanjan
Originally uploaded by prerona.
Donket trail from Siri Kola
Originally uploaded by prerona.
Loving you
The way I do
Every now and then
You creep up on my mind
And make me miss you
So much
My heart just implodes
For a little while
Wanna be there again
Right inside you
Its been so long
Dunno when we'll meet again
And you're not even mine
Wish you were, or no ...
Its more magic this fleeting way
I dont wanna drag you
Down to reality
But sometimes, its hard to be wise
And grown up, and
I miss you
And I'm coming back in December ...
To see your pale face blush
To smile at your wild wild ways
To bask in your stillness
To sit on your lonely mossy bridges
To watch you twinkling, bedecked, bedazzling
And still so clean and pure
To hear your little bells
You pure joy. Your clean laughter
Your simplicity
To feel your skies fall down on me
Every night
I'm coming back one more time
Bcz you've been on my mind
Found some other nice rammam pics on flickr. They're in my favourites
suicide cancelled
deadline extended! ha ha ha. tra la la.
omg. cud these mean i am gonna fail anyway - some kind of divine irony
oh no! i found something new to obsess about!
had to go for dinner with class friends last night
they are so sweet - they are not done (with submissions) yet,
but they preponed it for me! we had a blast!
we went for a chinese dinner and had hotpot!
it was my first time and i was really excited!
and then some of the guys were into schizophrenia too so we talked s all evening
we sat there for 3 hours hogging and throwing ideas
i had THREE different servings of dessert!
DSC04877
Originally uploaded by prerona.
so my submission has been extended and so has my ticket
i can do this thing properly now. and its back to work.
all is happy-happy!
omg. cud these mean i am gonna fail anyway - some kind of divine irony
oh no! i found something new to obsess about!
had to go for dinner with class friends last night
they are so sweet - they are not done (with submissions) yet,
but they preponed it for me! we had a blast!
we went for a chinese dinner and had hotpot!
it was my first time and i was really excited!
and then some of the guys were into schizophrenia too so we talked s all evening
we sat there for 3 hours hogging and throwing ideas
i had THREE different servings of dessert!
DSC04877
Originally uploaded by prerona.
so my submission has been extended and so has my ticket
i can do this thing properly now. and its back to work.
all is happy-happy!
What do you think?
what would be the best way to kill myself right now, if i had to?
ps - no ceiling fans here and i dont like sky diving.
ps - no ceiling fans here and i dont like sky diving.
Tagged: by Austere
3 Things that scare me:
a. walking into office. i am always thinking, what if i did something horrible and they just discovered it, bullies, new people, the middle class morality/closed minds that dont even know it, having to defend, argue something i believe in ... list is endless ... all confrontation based social fears.
b. (other) acquisitional people and soul-collectors.
c. being made a fool off, fear, pain and sometimes the dark.
3 People who make me laugh:
a. jerome k jerome.
b. oscar wilde.
c. georgette heyer.
3 Things I love:
a. stories
b. sleeping
c. eating
3 Things I hate:
a. me getting mad and flying out of control
b. me slacking when i shouldnt
c. losing / spoiling something because i was careless
3 Things I don’t understand:
a. statistics
b. people's sense of humour
c. shopping. fashion. roads. time management. how to be friendly. social skills.
3 Things on my desk:
a. peanuts (spicy) (Lidl)
b. coffee - strong black sweet cold - incessant (hah hah hah - yes)
c. photographs (barbie, jinx, ma, ACM, right now)
ps - also 2 boxes of smarties, 1 thanks for being my friend card, 1 bottle of water, cell phone, india kings, cohen cd, ghalib cd, black eyed peas (?!?) cd, ipod, cheese balls, ink bottles, and a fountain pen i am fixing. and a manual for someone's toaster dvd player thats not working.
3 Things I’m doing right now:
a. Trying to nail IRR paper - which is due day after - with little or no success
b. Worrying about next general direction of life
c. Wondering why there dont seem to be any suitable, single, straight 30+ male humans out there. yes suitable is the key word.
3 Things I want to do before I die:
figure out some stuff (whats common and whats not between schizophrenia and autism)
pass my course
write my IRR paper
(yes - i am a little problematically singe minded at times)
3 Things I can do:
a. sleep or not for 3 days at a stretch (just did both in last week)
b. write
c. play golf
3 Things I can’t do:
a. multi task
b. shop
c. make polite conversation with people i have no interest in (but i can fake it really well, actually)
3 Things you should listen to:
hemanta kumar
bach
led zeppelin
3 Things you should never listen to:
rap
remixed bollywood
psy
3 Things I’d like to learn:
a) control my temper
b) to make perfect biryani / cook like my mom
c) play the piano perfectly
3 Favorite foods:
Steak (rare - pepper and anything sauce. with broccoli and carrots and beans)
Boiled bhindi with salt and mustard oil (yes, i know!) or any boiled veggies specially kaerela (YES, I know!!!)
Biriyani and Rezzala
ps - i dunno man. i like ALL food! except pineapples and jackfruit and most fish
3 Beverages I drink regularly:
water
coffee
tomato juice
3 Shows I watched as a kid:
never watched much tv ... i remember loving i dream of jeanie and wonder years but dont remember when
probably top of the pops (reminds me of rajiv gandhi - dunno why!), and the weekend movies - all of them, and i remember watching a serial with a guy and wolf. dad says it was remington steele, but i'm sure not. and spiderman, phantom. remington steele too. i dunno. i am too old to remember and too young to re-remember.
3 People I’m tagging: San, Aparna, Olivia
a. walking into office. i am always thinking, what if i did something horrible and they just discovered it, bullies, new people, the middle class morality/closed minds that dont even know it, having to defend, argue something i believe in ... list is endless ... all confrontation based social fears.
b. (other) acquisitional people and soul-collectors.
c. being made a fool off, fear, pain and sometimes the dark.
3 People who make me laugh:
a. jerome k jerome.
b. oscar wilde.
c. georgette heyer.
3 Things I love:
a. stories
b. sleeping
c. eating
3 Things I hate:
a. me getting mad and flying out of control
b. me slacking when i shouldnt
c. losing / spoiling something because i was careless
3 Things I don’t understand:
a. statistics
b. people's sense of humour
c. shopping. fashion. roads. time management. how to be friendly. social skills.
3 Things on my desk:
a. peanuts (spicy) (Lidl)
b. coffee - strong black sweet cold - incessant (hah hah hah - yes)
c. photographs (barbie, jinx, ma, ACM, right now)
ps - also 2 boxes of smarties, 1 thanks for being my friend card, 1 bottle of water, cell phone, india kings, cohen cd, ghalib cd, black eyed peas (?!?) cd, ipod, cheese balls, ink bottles, and a fountain pen i am fixing. and a manual for someone's toaster dvd player thats not working.
3 Things I’m doing right now:
a. Trying to nail IRR paper - which is due day after - with little or no success
b. Worrying about next general direction of life
c. Wondering why there dont seem to be any suitable, single, straight 30+ male humans out there. yes suitable is the key word.
3 Things I want to do before I die:
figure out some stuff (whats common and whats not between schizophrenia and autism)
pass my course
write my IRR paper
(yes - i am a little problematically singe minded at times)
3 Things I can do:
a. sleep or not for 3 days at a stretch (just did both in last week)
b. write
c. play golf
3 Things I can’t do:
a. multi task
b. shop
c. make polite conversation with people i have no interest in (but i can fake it really well, actually)
3 Things you should listen to:
hemanta kumar
bach
led zeppelin
3 Things you should never listen to:
rap
remixed bollywood
psy
3 Things I’d like to learn:
a) control my temper
b) to make perfect biryani / cook like my mom
c) play the piano perfectly
3 Favorite foods:
Steak (rare - pepper and anything sauce. with broccoli and carrots and beans)
Boiled bhindi with salt and mustard oil (yes, i know!) or any boiled veggies specially kaerela (YES, I know!!!)
Biriyani and Rezzala
ps - i dunno man. i like ALL food! except pineapples and jackfruit and most fish
3 Beverages I drink regularly:
water
coffee
tomato juice
3 Shows I watched as a kid:
never watched much tv ... i remember loving i dream of jeanie and wonder years but dont remember when
probably top of the pops (reminds me of rajiv gandhi - dunno why!), and the weekend movies - all of them, and i remember watching a serial with a guy and wolf. dad says it was remington steele, but i'm sure not. and spiderman, phantom. remington steele too. i dunno. i am too old to remember and too young to re-remember.
3 People I’m tagging: San, Aparna, Olivia
Goecha la pass
and my best friends wedding ...
heady cocktail of madness. lol
what do i do?
feel a bit crazy!
in a way i'm so glad i am going to be in uae soon
being home there is kind of a insulating go to sleep kind of feeling!
no oman and iran trip though
bcz u apparently cant get a multiple entry visa for dubai
feeling restless tense and nervous
one more submission to go, but this is the BIG ONE!
why do i bump into my TA only when I
am taking one of my (extremely scarce) breaks? :(
i am already worrying about the
politics of the hols ahead. dmn.
b's christmas party tonight.
movies and hot chocolate in the common room
why does watching love, actually make me wistful, always?
damn. makes me think of that line in you've got
mail ... "the dream of someone"
it lasts all of 15 minutes before the bubble bursts.
sometimes i just switch off
even i dont know where the switch is,
so i cant control it
i dunno ...
heady cocktail of madness. lol
what do i do?
feel a bit crazy!
in a way i'm so glad i am going to be in uae soon
being home there is kind of a insulating go to sleep kind of feeling!
no oman and iran trip though
bcz u apparently cant get a multiple entry visa for dubai
feeling restless tense and nervous
one more submission to go, but this is the BIG ONE!
why do i bump into my TA only when I
am taking one of my (extremely scarce) breaks? :(
i am already worrying about the
politics of the hols ahead. dmn.
b's christmas party tonight.
movies and hot chocolate in the common room
why does watching love, actually make me wistful, always?
damn. makes me think of that line in you've got
mail ... "the dream of someone"
it lasts all of 15 minutes before the bubble bursts.
sometimes i just switch off
even i dont know where the switch is,
so i cant control it
i dunno ...
patient
its comes back around so quickly ...
it always catches me unawares
these hicupping, frame-wracking, shuddering breathless fits
anger or fear or pain or tears ...
while u just sit there helplessly watch urself
and keep saying over and over again:
'get a grip. keep calm. wait for it to pass'
wiggle ur big toe.
i was wrong. in the end, everyone's a billian.
u just gotto keep away from the f race.
it always catches me unawares
these hicupping, frame-wracking, shuddering breathless fits
anger or fear or pain or tears ...
while u just sit there helplessly watch urself
and keep saying over and over again:
'get a grip. keep calm. wait for it to pass'
wiggle ur big toe.
i was wrong. in the end, everyone's a billian.
u just gotto keep away from the f race.
Hung Without a Trial?
Unfair. Sad. But sometimes the only way. Specially when the defense is that smooth and that scary. But seriously, is there something like a creep magnet some people could have, maybe?
well, not really ;)
"I want to, I want to be someone else or I'll explode
Floating upon the surface for
The birds, the birds, the birds
You want me, well fucking well come and find me
I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches
And nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing
You want me, well, come on and break the door down
You want me, fucking come on and break the door down
I'm ready ..."
From 'Talk Show Host', Radiohead
Floating upon the surface for
The birds, the birds, the birds
You want me, well fucking well come and find me
I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches
And nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing
You want me, well, come on and break the door down
You want me, fucking come on and break the door down
I'm ready ..."
From 'Talk Show Host', Radiohead
Us and Them
its peeks like this that makes us wistful ...
so we should just stop being such peeping toms, huh?
but why the 'wisteria'? would we want to be an axis?
we know we're better off this way
and better still, the fire didnt melt, just forged
then why, still, when we see 'them', and their naiive innocence,
the heart cries ...
so we should just stop being such peeping toms, huh?
but why the 'wisteria'? would we want to be an axis?
we know we're better off this way
and better still, the fire didnt melt, just forged
then why, still, when we see 'them', and their naiive innocence,
the heart cries ...
Do you ever get the feeling ...
with someone, like they are following you? You do something, and in a few days they do it too. You ignore it the first few times and then it get weird. If you like a blog they'll go and live there as soon as they come to know. If you loke a guy, they'll start hitting on him, If you do something funny they will do it too soon after. I know I should feel take it as an ego kick, but it really pisses me off. Why me!!!
All Done!
and too tired to feel a thing. so, on to the biggest one now: IRR! I think I am freaking out already ...
Sincerely Seeking
It's one of those phases, that come upon me from time to time. Maybe its got something to be with straying close to the edge? When you're asleep, or when you're groggy, half awake, freaking out, scared, heart sore ... thats when, I think, your mind filters out everyone and you remember only the essential few. So I went looking for you. Looked for you on hotmail, on yahoo, on my computer ... found a couple of snaps from last year on yahoo. And now I remember why I dont go there anymore.
I was with home for two days. Maybe its just that which brought it all back. He's gone now. I dont believe 3 months have passed and I will be home soon. Everything has changed so much. I've been home 1 before, since you left, but I'm still scared of walking back into the silence.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
I was with home for two days. Maybe its just that which brought it all back. He's gone now. I dont believe 3 months have passed and I will be home soon. Everything has changed so much. I've been home 1 before, since you left, but I'm still scared of walking back into the silence.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Past 14 Hours
in the lab - havent done this in a while.
I am getting old!!!
reminds me of driving abck half dead from work at 8 AM ...
or worse. not so doing ...
or college labs before submissions ...
or school labs before term end ...
huh! oh ok.
guess i have been doing this ever since i opted to take comp sci
but i miss my beloved tcs. in hindsight: it was a party all the way ...
I am getting a refund for half my rent from the residence
bcz I have been spending all the nights in the lab
As usual, I get by with a little help from my friends
The meet me halfway during breaks and bring me hot coffee
Its just 10 percent of the total marks!
Is it worth so much heart ache?
1 weeks work for a .07% increase in profession
fcuk! why would anyone wanna study compl linguistics?
& when i think of all the pretty girls in class,
who are getting all this labour done by some earnest nerd,
while the uglies like us have to slog it thru and
then stop & help someone else at 3 AM ...
it makes me so sad!
all we get is snapped at for asking the most innocuous question
and then we have to waste 30 precious mins crying in the loo
damn. thank god for friends and KFC!
whats bugging / petrifying me is,
i am putting off IRR for this stupid thing
and thats a 100 bldy marks
what will i do?
i could also have written about the massive thanksgiving fiasco
and how fun-ly it ended, but i am too tired to spare the effort
here's the latest n updates on my IRR paper instead:
From PhD Comics.
I am getting old!!!
reminds me of driving abck half dead from work at 8 AM ...
or worse. not so doing ...
or college labs before submissions ...
or school labs before term end ...
huh! oh ok.
guess i have been doing this ever since i opted to take comp sci
but i miss my beloved tcs. in hindsight: it was a party all the way ...
I am getting a refund for half my rent from the residence
bcz I have been spending all the nights in the lab
As usual, I get by with a little help from my friends
The meet me halfway during breaks and bring me hot coffee
Its just 10 percent of the total marks!
Is it worth so much heart ache?
1 weeks work for a .07% increase in profession
fcuk! why would anyone wanna study compl linguistics?
& when i think of all the pretty girls in class,
who are getting all this labour done by some earnest nerd,
while the uglies like us have to slog it thru and
then stop & help someone else at 3 AM ...
it makes me so sad!
all we get is snapped at for asking the most innocuous question
and then we have to waste 30 precious mins crying in the loo
damn. thank god for friends and KFC!
whats bugging / petrifying me is,
i am putting off IRR for this stupid thing
and thats a 100 bldy marks
what will i do?
i could also have written about the massive thanksgiving fiasco
and how fun-ly it ended, but i am too tired to spare the effort
here's the latest n updates on my IRR paper instead:
From PhD Comics.
It is not who you are inside, but what you do that defines you:
It's the mantra which is, at times, the only weapon against the darkness that wells up from inside me: the darkness that comes from sight, shame, sin, guilt and memory.
So I've ticked off genetic inheritance, and character flaws. Can I dismiss past actions and choices as easily? Do we know what we will never do again? How much penance, is enough to heal?
How much time, must wash over old sores of memories, wash awake ennui so innate, and feed awake seeds so dormant?
In time still rings a 12 year old's voice echoing on a deserted balmy december night, "give it to me, spare them, i can take it more easily, i'm stronger". do You allow second thoughts, if she had them? dont worry Your sadistic soul: she wont.
At times i feel silly, thinking of how much i loved You, personalised You, and made You my own. They are right, You're just a figment of someone's imagination. And still, for them and for myself, there's a residue of the old love left: its called fear. I dont fear You the way I fear them. Them, I just fear I will hurt, carelessly.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
So I've ticked off genetic inheritance, and character flaws. Can I dismiss past actions and choices as easily? Do we know what we will never do again? How much penance, is enough to heal?
How much time, must wash over old sores of memories, wash awake ennui so innate, and feed awake seeds so dormant?
In time still rings a 12 year old's voice echoing on a deserted balmy december night, "give it to me, spare them, i can take it more easily, i'm stronger". do You allow second thoughts, if she had them? dont worry Your sadistic soul: she wont.
At times i feel silly, thinking of how much i loved You, personalised You, and made You my own. They are right, You're just a figment of someone's imagination. And still, for them and for myself, there's a residue of the old love left: its called fear. I dont fear You the way I fear them. Them, I just fear I will hurt, carelessly.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
in progress
ruthless fingers dig into putrid, rotting, tortured flesh. the maggots, sly, smiling, suspicious and disgruntled, crawl out one by one. healing can give so much pain
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Friends and Other Angels
Went to sleep last night missing my little best friend, and I was woken up by a sms from her within an hour. And then my Dad. And then another old friend when I woke up. Slept through the day with a killer headache. Just woke up (16:30) and remembered, no classes today. So much to do today ... Then I called and spoke to her for an hour! Feel so so so much better! Almost alive :)
I was always away from home, but I always phoned my friends a lot. Now that I am too broke to call everyone that much, it realy makes so much of a difference, its amazing. But at the same time, its that much cooler when we do talk!
I was always away from home, but I always phoned my friends a lot. Now that I am too broke to call everyone that much, it realy makes so much of a difference, its amazing. But at the same time, its that much cooler when we do talk!
trapped
is an easy place to come to.
mundane-ish day. woke up late. did dutiful round of classes. amusing visiting studen in ICS class. came home to my horrifically-dirty-at-the-moment room. obsessed about how much speed cleaning could be done before guest arrived, when guest knocked. fed guest chai and couscous gone bad and over-large dose of coffee. guest got dsgusted and cycled away. participated in extended gossip session in garage with steve the night gaurd and friends from uni, about this and that and ho much work we had (which we werent doing, bcz of extended gossip session). came up and searched for papers trying vainly to look for 2 basic-ish papers related to neural basis of schizophrenia for lit review (IRR) paper. freaked out about lack of joy in finding anything remotely useful. freaked out somemore. went back to searching. obsessed somemore in background about the other (ICL) assignment that was still incomplete. decided to write post instead while listening to sound and fury of wind outside.
"
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace
"
missing my little best friend. funny how noone else will do. and so much practise wont get me used to her ethereal ways. is this how the other end of the stick feels? damn. why does she have to be so like? blame it on the genes!
feels strange that I will be home at the end of the month. scary-strange. so out of mind has it been. but shworma and rex, i can get excited about. funny how i get so scared of meeting them again and so excited when it actually does happen. there's a reason why i talk so much about it not being possible for people to know themselves. maybe we are all brains in vats. or a vat. which would be yuckier.
what else? yes. still feel trapped. how do you do the desparado thing? there should ba a reform school for gypsy, wastrels, rebels, committment-phobes, claustrophobes, adulation-phobes, happiness&contentment-phobes and self-phobes. yes, i made that up. perhaps the key is in not wanting. just stay still and take whatever comes. why does that feel so sad?
i havent been running in months now. situational. my sneakers are calling me. i got itchy feet. i should have done the race for life again this year. lol. irony! race for life.
mundane-ish day. woke up late. did dutiful round of classes. amusing visiting studen in ICS class. came home to my horrifically-dirty-at-the-moment room. obsessed about how much speed cleaning could be done before guest arrived, when guest knocked. fed guest chai and couscous gone bad and over-large dose of coffee. guest got dsgusted and cycled away. participated in extended gossip session in garage with steve the night gaurd and friends from uni, about this and that and ho much work we had (which we werent doing, bcz of extended gossip session). came up and searched for papers trying vainly to look for 2 basic-ish papers related to neural basis of schizophrenia for lit review (IRR) paper. freaked out about lack of joy in finding anything remotely useful. freaked out somemore. went back to searching. obsessed somemore in background about the other (ICL) assignment that was still incomplete. decided to write post instead while listening to sound and fury of wind outside.
"
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace
"
missing my little best friend. funny how noone else will do. and so much practise wont get me used to her ethereal ways. is this how the other end of the stick feels? damn. why does she have to be so like? blame it on the genes!
feels strange that I will be home at the end of the month. scary-strange. so out of mind has it been. but shworma and rex, i can get excited about. funny how i get so scared of meeting them again and so excited when it actually does happen. there's a reason why i talk so much about it not being possible for people to know themselves. maybe we are all brains in vats. or a vat. which would be yuckier.
what else? yes. still feel trapped. how do you do the desparado thing? there should ba a reform school for gypsy, wastrels, rebels, committment-phobes, claustrophobes, adulation-phobes, happiness&contentment-phobes and self-phobes. yes, i made that up. perhaps the key is in not wanting. just stay still and take whatever comes. why does that feel so sad?
i havent been running in months now. situational. my sneakers are calling me. i got itchy feet. i should have done the race for life again this year. lol. irony! race for life.
trapped
is an easy place to come to.
mundane-ish day. woke up late. did dutiful round of classes. amusing visiting studen in ICS class. came home to my horrifically-dirty-at-the-moment room. obsessed about how much speed cleaning could be done before guest arrived, when guest knocked. fed guest chai and couscous gone bad and over-large dose of coffee. guest got dsgusted and cycled away. participated in extended gossip session in garage with steve the night gaurd and friends from uni, about this and that and ho much work we had (which we werent doing, bcz of extended gossip session). came up and searched for papers trying vainly to look for 2 basic-ish papers related to neural basis of schizophrenia for lit review (IRR) paper. freaked out about lack of joy in finding anything remotely useful. freaked out somemore. went back to searching. obsessed somemore in background about the other (ICL) assignment that was still incomplete. decided to write post instead while listening to sound and fury of wind outside.
"
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace
"
missing my little best friend. funny how noone else will do. and so much practise wont get me used to her ethereal ways. is this how the other end of the stick feels? damn. why does she have to be so like? blame it on the genes!
feels strange that I will be home at the end of the month. scary-strange. so out of mind has it been. but shworma and rex, i can get excited about. funny how i get so scared of meeting them again and so excited when it actually does happen. there's a reason why i talk so much about it not being possible for people to know themselves. maybe we are all brains in vats. or a vat. which would be yuckier.
what else? yes. still feel trapped. how do you do the desparado thing? there should ba a reform school for gypsy, wastrels, rebels, committment-phobes, claustrophobes, adulation-phobes, happiness&contentment-phobes and self-phobes. yes, i made that up.
i havent been running in months now. situational. my sneakers are calling me. i got itchy feet. i should have done the race for life again this year. lol. irony! race for life.
mundane-ish day. woke up late. did dutiful round of classes. amusing visiting studen in ICS class. came home to my horrifically-dirty-at-the-moment room. obsessed about how much speed cleaning could be done before guest arrived, when guest knocked. fed guest chai and couscous gone bad and over-large dose of coffee. guest got dsgusted and cycled away. participated in extended gossip session in garage with steve the night gaurd and friends from uni, about this and that and ho much work we had (which we werent doing, bcz of extended gossip session). came up and searched for papers trying vainly to look for 2 basic-ish papers related to neural basis of schizophrenia for lit review (IRR) paper. freaked out about lack of joy in finding anything remotely useful. freaked out somemore. went back to searching. obsessed somemore in background about the other (ICL) assignment that was still incomplete. decided to write post instead while listening to sound and fury of wind outside.
"
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace
"
missing my little best friend. funny how noone else will do. and so much practise wont get me used to her ethereal ways. is this how the other end of the stick feels? damn. why does she have to be so like? blame it on the genes!
feels strange that I will be home at the end of the month. scary-strange. so out of mind has it been. but shworma and rex, i can get excited about. funny how i get so scared of meeting them again and so excited when it actually does happen. there's a reason why i talk so much about it not being possible for people to know themselves. maybe we are all brains in vats. or a vat. which would be yuckier.
what else? yes. still feel trapped. how do you do the desparado thing? there should ba a reform school for gypsy, wastrels, rebels, committment-phobes, claustrophobes, adulation-phobes, happiness&contentment-phobes and self-phobes. yes, i made that up.
i havent been running in months now. situational. my sneakers are calling me. i got itchy feet. i should have done the race for life again this year. lol. irony! race for life.
Once Again
I need a little help from my Julia Roberts and Kate Hudson
Listening to Fallen. Isnt it Ironic? Not even Fallen.
"And I was not looking, was content to remain.
And it's ironic to be back in the game."
Its 4 in the morning. This is when I would get ready to phone you. Suddenly so blue. Miss you. Suddenly struck by one of thos sharp stabs of missing you. Yes, it could have something to do with the fact that I spent the last hour looking at your photographs. There is no way to find you again. Or your me. One day I will forget. One day the bitterness will fade. One day I will not look for your face in everybodies face. One day people will just be people, not someone who looks, or talks, or smiles like you. or doesnt. Or someone you would have liked. or wouldnt. One day, someone will measure up. One day the yardstick will break. One day, I will love again.
Its not me. Its your song I played accidentally that brought you up. Yes, you were right. I remember how it used to make you laugh. Are you laughing now?
"muJhse bichaD ke khush rehte ho
meri tarah tum bhi jhooTe ho
ik tahni par chaaNd Tika thaa
maiN ye samJha tum baithe ho
uJle uJle phool khile the
bilkul jaise tum haNste ho
muJhe shaam bata deti hai
tum kaise kapDe pehne ho
tumh tanha duniya se laDoge
bachhON si baateN karte ho"
And listening to your old favourite song. Do you remember how we fought about this song? Do you remember the serial it used to come on? And how much you hated it?
"Koi ye kaise bataye ki, wo tanha kyon hai
Wo jo apna tha wohi, Or kisi ka kyoon hai
Yahi duniya hai to phir, aisi ye duniya kyoon hai
Yahi hota hai to aakhir yahi hota kyoon hai
Ik zara haath bada de to, pakdle daaman
Uske seene mein sama jaye, hamari dhadkan
Itni Kurbat hai to phir, faasla itna kyoon hai
Dile barbaad se nikla nahi, ab tak koi
Ik loote ghar pe diya karta hai, dastak koi
Aas jo toot gayi, phir se, bandhaata kyoon hai
Tum masarrat ka kaho ya, ise gum ka rishta
Kehtein hai pyaar ka rishta hai, janam ka rishta
Hai janam ka rishta jo ye to, badalta kyoon hai"
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Listening to Fallen. Isnt it Ironic? Not even Fallen.
"And I was not looking, was content to remain.
And it's ironic to be back in the game."
Its 4 in the morning. This is when I would get ready to phone you. Suddenly so blue. Miss you. Suddenly struck by one of thos sharp stabs of missing you. Yes, it could have something to do with the fact that I spent the last hour looking at your photographs. There is no way to find you again. Or your me. One day I will forget. One day the bitterness will fade. One day I will not look for your face in everybodies face. One day people will just be people, not someone who looks, or talks, or smiles like you. or doesnt. Or someone you would have liked. or wouldnt. One day, someone will measure up. One day the yardstick will break. One day, I will love again.
Its not me. Its your song I played accidentally that brought you up. Yes, you were right. I remember how it used to make you laugh. Are you laughing now?
"muJhse bichaD ke khush rehte ho
meri tarah tum bhi jhooTe ho
ik tahni par chaaNd Tika thaa
maiN ye samJha tum baithe ho
uJle uJle phool khile the
bilkul jaise tum haNste ho
muJhe shaam bata deti hai
tum kaise kapDe pehne ho
tumh tanha duniya se laDoge
bachhON si baateN karte ho"
And listening to your old favourite song. Do you remember how we fought about this song? Do you remember the serial it used to come on? And how much you hated it?
"Koi ye kaise bataye ki, wo tanha kyon hai
Wo jo apna tha wohi, Or kisi ka kyoon hai
Yahi duniya hai to phir, aisi ye duniya kyoon hai
Yahi hota hai to aakhir yahi hota kyoon hai
Ik zara haath bada de to, pakdle daaman
Uske seene mein sama jaye, hamari dhadkan
Itni Kurbat hai to phir, faasla itna kyoon hai
Dile barbaad se nikla nahi, ab tak koi
Ik loote ghar pe diya karta hai, dastak koi
Aas jo toot gayi, phir se, bandhaata kyoon hai
Tum masarrat ka kaho ya, ise gum ka rishta
Kehtein hai pyaar ka rishta hai, janam ka rishta
Hai janam ka rishta jo ye to, badalta kyoon hai"
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Damn
half your life
and so much of your efforts
are spent in trying to shake people off
who want to be your friend.
and yet,
in the hours that you could really have done with one
there is never anyone, is there?
or atleast, not anyone who would do.
i remember a pome from school,
that i had written,
about being surrounded by props of thermacol and clay,
while ur sinking,
or feeling faint.
or ants
or children
u know they cant take ur weight ...
well, i guess u just have to keep standing straight.
what is this weariness?
this addiction to leaning.
that is the root of the problems.
you must run. or walk. or stand straight.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
and so much of your efforts
are spent in trying to shake people off
who want to be your friend.
and yet,
in the hours that you could really have done with one
there is never anyone, is there?
or atleast, not anyone who would do.
i remember a pome from school,
that i had written,
about being surrounded by props of thermacol and clay,
while ur sinking,
or feeling faint.
or ants
or children
u know they cant take ur weight ...
well, i guess u just have to keep standing straight.
what is this weariness?
this addiction to leaning.
that is the root of the problems.
you must run. or walk. or stand straight.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
view from my window
window and rainbow
Originally uploaded by prerona.
When I looked out, I didnt see the rainbow. I only saw it once I had the photograph on my computer. Wonder how many more I missed like that :)
I never shared this. Not many people would find much to interest them here. But just in case: Here it is!
Cooking on Saturday
After 8 months ... because cous-cous doesnt count! Am I nervous, or am I nervous! maybe I should just run away. On other topics, wish I could type, would make life so much easier
losersville
i guess in life some people are just born to be losers. out of her innate sense of irony, she gives some of these huge vaulting ego's and ambitions. technicolour dreams. and out of her occasional streak of sadism, once in a while she throw s them scarps of chance - to turn everything ariound, a way out, to make everything different ... 2nd chances. She doesnt need to do anything to make sure they screw it up, its all about who they are ... screw it up, they will. And for the stupidest reasons.
a bit of drama
you dont want to hurt people.
you dont want to deny people.
yet to not say no to them,
to not save yourself from them,
would mean to sacrifice everything
that means anything to you,
and to everyone you love.
what do you do?
why do people want to
eat your life up?
like the monsters
and the sun.
you dont want to deny people.
yet to not say no to them,
to not save yourself from them,
would mean to sacrifice everything
that means anything to you,
and to everyone you love.
what do you do?
why do people want to
eat your life up?
like the monsters
and the sun.
for you, wherever you roam
everyway you go is heartbreak
everyone you meet is someone else
the road never takes you back to yesterday
those left behind can never be found again
when u walk you dont know nothing will compare
to the people and things you leave behind
i'd leave metal in a thrice now
just have ur sanity back
everyone you meet is someone else
the road never takes you back to yesterday
those left behind can never be found again
when u walk you dont know nothing will compare
to the people and things you leave behind
i'd leave metal in a thrice now
just have ur sanity back
Us and Them
There is a storm outside, as noisy as a group of drunken men in a brawl. Its one of those days, when time rolls back like a curtain and you are every age you have ever been, at once. On days like this, I just wake up with a voice in my head echoing Ginny's voice from 1000 acres, 'because those children will have something we never had a chance of ever having ... hope'
Enthrallment lies in the heart of the beholder. I remember watching you for hours, never bored of the tiny details of your daily life. Your tiny hands curled into two smudged pink blobs of half done flesh, topped with sharp slivers of nail, with which you scratched yourself all over.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Enthrallment lies in the heart of the beholder. I remember watching you for hours, never bored of the tiny details of your daily life. Your tiny hands curled into two smudged pink blobs of half done flesh, topped with sharp slivers of nail, with which you scratched yourself all over.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
What do you think?
http://www.thothweb.com/article-4153--0-0.html?
Reminds me of Flat Liners ... and a lot of other stuff. Hoever, isnt this what most people believe intuitively as well? Is that why this keeps cropping up in different guises? Or is it some other reason?
Reminds me of Flat Liners ... and a lot of other stuff. Hoever, isnt this what most people believe intuitively as well? Is that why this keeps cropping up in different guises? Or is it some other reason?
Uninvited
Tripping on uninvited. There's s much to say, but where's the words? and I'm out of breath anyway ...
"Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate"
Uninvited, Alanis Morissette
Originally Posted at Prerona.
"Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate"
Uninvited, Alanis Morissette
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Sunshine
one blissfully empty day, sandwiched between two nights of fun and friends. being happy leaves a intractable bitter after taste of guilt. am i not supposed to be in mourning still? i forgot, for a while. and then, little things remind me of you again. and its all i can do not to break.
those immature drawings you saved, and even put up on the wall, furiously crayon coloured bright blue skies and smiling suns. now all the suns have gone out. and i had thought it would be such a bracing feeling to be all alone in the world, like a brisk walk on a chilly day with fresh winds in your face.
this day brings you back so much more than anyother. you were always so happy on my birthday. not that she wasnt, but only when the mood took her, I guess. I think about all the times I let you down for her, that I missed her, loved her. Guilt is the most potent poison.
nobody saves my drawings now. like nobody waits for me to come home, anymore. maybe if i hadnt kept you waiting so long, you would have stayed.
its days like this that you want to sit and listen to "crying", dont you. i love you even more, than i ever did before. but darling, what can i do.its so final. there's no reaching you, no negotiating, no bargaining, like I always did. So strange to think, I cant make you change your mind even by turturing myself, or atleast it hasnt worked yet.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
those immature drawings you saved, and even put up on the wall, furiously crayon coloured bright blue skies and smiling suns. now all the suns have gone out. and i had thought it would be such a bracing feeling to be all alone in the world, like a brisk walk on a chilly day with fresh winds in your face.
this day brings you back so much more than anyother. you were always so happy on my birthday. not that she wasnt, but only when the mood took her, I guess. I think about all the times I let you down for her, that I missed her, loved her. Guilt is the most potent poison.
nobody saves my drawings now. like nobody waits for me to come home, anymore. maybe if i hadnt kept you waiting so long, you would have stayed.
its days like this that you want to sit and listen to "crying", dont you. i love you even more, than i ever did before. but darling, what can i do.its so final. there's no reaching you, no negotiating, no bargaining, like I always did. So strange to think, I cant make you change your mind even by turturing myself, or atleast it hasnt worked yet.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Tag: The perfect man
I was looking through old posts on the other blog to see if there was anything I should move back here and I found this - it made me smile! Its from 8th Feb 2006. So I thought I'll put it up again, just for laughs ... Here goes:
Was tagged by Parna, Aparna & Sanity Starved.
The rules:
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. You have to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there's no need to post again.
Sex of the target : Male.
Of the top of my head I would have said:
1. He's a good man. I admire him. I look up to him
2. He's really intelligent. He's capable. He's damn good at work. He makes me so proud of him
3. He's responsible. He'd always take care of me
4. He's wise, he's mature, he has a certain air of weltschmersch. Sometimes, when he sits and does nothing, staring into the distance, I can see it in his eyes
5. He has streak cruel. He's strong. He's sure of himself. He knows just where he stands. He's not insecure. He can be arrogant. He can break my heart, casually. When he's playing, I can read it in his smile
6. He's got a smile that lights up the bleakest soul. Grouch! He rarely smiles!
7. He's brave, even reckless. Sometimes, he's scared of me, I can tell.
8. Sometimes, there's a tenderness in his smile, which makes my heart want to melt to a puddle on the floor. He really loves me, and it shows, but just barely :)
Victims:
7 Sins
Sad Old Bong
JDV
Malignant Humour
Megha
Waxing Pathetic
Coffee&Crackers
Olivia
but its not really that. It really set me thinking. I have been trying to complete this list for the past few days and been drawing blank. i've been thinking, there are some things which we think we want, and there are the things which we actually want. there was a quote that went something like the secret of happiness is knowing the difference between what we wish for and what we want. but as i kept thinking about it, it morphed into another idea in my head. we are all, as human beings, attracted to two kinds of people: one, people like us and two: people who are different.
for the former we feel the bonding of shared understanding, co-misseration, shared failings. also, the irritation of having two accept the same faults twice over, repeated lessons in case of a phase lag, the embarresment of a mirror in ur face.
for the latter, we feel the fascination of the unknown, the un-understandable, the desirable. also, the fustration of not undrstanding where they are coming from. the irritation of having needs and timings out of synch.
the only really happy couples in the world are the ones who, consciously or unconsciously, have made the choice between, or have had it made for them by life, or chance, and have accepted it and lived by it. forevermore.
DISCLAIMER - This post is liable to go under for editing, or even dissapear, as i wrote it when i was tired and i half dunno what i'm saying :)
Ummm, no connection, really, but this is the snap I was looking at while writing this: snap - dont he just break ur heart! lol
Was tagged by Parna, Aparna & Sanity Starved.
The rules:
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. You have to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there's no need to post again.
Sex of the target : Male.
Of the top of my head I would have said:
1. He's a good man. I admire him. I look up to him
2. He's really intelligent. He's capable. He's damn good at work. He makes me so proud of him
3. He's responsible. He'd always take care of me
4. He's wise, he's mature, he has a certain air of weltschmersch. Sometimes, when he sits and does nothing, staring into the distance, I can see it in his eyes
5. He has streak cruel. He's strong. He's sure of himself. He knows just where he stands. He's not insecure. He can be arrogant. He can break my heart, casually. When he's playing, I can read it in his smile
6. He's got a smile that lights up the bleakest soul. Grouch! He rarely smiles!
7. He's brave, even reckless. Sometimes, he's scared of me, I can tell.
8. Sometimes, there's a tenderness in his smile, which makes my heart want to melt to a puddle on the floor. He really loves me, and it shows, but just barely :)
Victims:
7 Sins
Sad Old Bong
JDV
Malignant Humour
Megha
Waxing Pathetic
Coffee&Crackers
Olivia
but its not really that. It really set me thinking. I have been trying to complete this list for the past few days and been drawing blank. i've been thinking, there are some things which we think we want, and there are the things which we actually want. there was a quote that went something like the secret of happiness is knowing the difference between what we wish for and what we want. but as i kept thinking about it, it morphed into another idea in my head. we are all, as human beings, attracted to two kinds of people: one, people like us and two: people who are different.
for the former we feel the bonding of shared understanding, co-misseration, shared failings. also, the irritation of having two accept the same faults twice over, repeated lessons in case of a phase lag, the embarresment of a mirror in ur face.
for the latter, we feel the fascination of the unknown, the un-understandable, the desirable. also, the fustration of not undrstanding where they are coming from. the irritation of having needs and timings out of synch.
the only really happy couples in the world are the ones who, consciously or unconsciously, have made the choice between, or have had it made for them by life, or chance, and have accepted it and lived by it. forevermore.
DISCLAIMER - This post is liable to go under for editing, or even dissapear, as i wrote it when i was tired and i half dunno what i'm saying :)
Ummm, no connection, really, but this is the snap I was looking at while writing this: snap - dont he just break ur heart! lol
Ostrich
time wont let u forget
time, and its misc monsters
will pull out ur pretty ostrich feather
one by one
and slice away ur body
stciking out of the sand
in tiny slivers
with a rusted nail
i thought i they had dried and scabbed
and i could open them again
but they still bled, ur blood
ur traitor blood
and people come
they want to make it better
walk in with hobnailed boots
treading on ur sores
and once the box is opened again
and the workmen gone
how long will it take you
in ur quiet house
to sweep it up again
to collect all those rabid dogs
the pieces of bone
and lock them up again
in the attics
shove bloody palms
into pockets again
after you've been forced to take them out
to prove
why u cant shake hands
time, and its misc monsters
will pull out ur pretty ostrich feather
one by one
and slice away ur body
stciking out of the sand
in tiny slivers
with a rusted nail
i thought i they had dried and scabbed
and i could open them again
but they still bled, ur blood
ur traitor blood
and people come
they want to make it better
walk in with hobnailed boots
treading on ur sores
and once the box is opened again
and the workmen gone
how long will it take you
in ur quiet house
to sweep it up again
to collect all those rabid dogs
the pieces of bone
and lock them up again
in the attics
shove bloody palms
into pockets again
after you've been forced to take them out
to prove
why u cant shake hands
The morning after
I thought I could sleep through the weekend, I was so tired. Havent slept more than a few hours at a stretch for what seems like forever. It would be okay if I was getting in any quality work, but I am not very happy with anything I turned in, except for one CM paper, and that too had some holes. Anyway, waited till after class for the pressure to let up. After that we partied, or something like it ...
I had been to frantically busy to let anyone know about the evening, so I half expected everyone to have other plans. So it was really sweet to see that they were still free. Didnt find a lot of people in the dorms, but I found those I wanted, with two exceptions.
My kind of perfect evening. We sat in the common room watching Sin City, eating KFC and drinking whiskey, with just all the people I liked in their with me!
Drank quite a bit and we were done sometime 3. I was half dead by then, came up to my room and crashed. Slept almost till 1PM the next day, with short breaks to take late birthday calls from friends far away.
Worked a bit on the next assignment during the day and then chatted with a few more friends in the evening. Went out for dinner with a few more friends at night. Isnt it nice to have the people you like around you, and not a crowd?
Saw trailors for Guru. I'm dying to see that. And Dhoom2!
I had been to frantically busy to let anyone know about the evening, so I half expected everyone to have other plans. So it was really sweet to see that they were still free. Didnt find a lot of people in the dorms, but I found those I wanted, with two exceptions.
My kind of perfect evening. We sat in the common room watching Sin City, eating KFC and drinking whiskey, with just all the people I liked in their with me!
Drank quite a bit and we were done sometime 3. I was half dead by then, came up to my room and crashed. Slept almost till 1PM the next day, with short breaks to take late birthday calls from friends far away.
Worked a bit on the next assignment during the day and then chatted with a few more friends in the evening. Went out for dinner with a few more friends at night. Isnt it nice to have the people you like around you, and not a crowd?
Saw trailors for Guru. I'm dying to see that. And Dhoom2!
On my birthday
I slept 30 mins in the last 24 hours
Submited 2 papers
Receieved: Wage, the Ugly Doll, 1 strawberry cake, 1 Grants whiskey, I box of chocolates, 1 mont blanc pen (ball point - which I dont use), Golden scarf (which I dont use)
Bought 2 buckets of KFC and misc sushi for Becky
Was hit by car, and survived
Lost my favourite lighter
Stumbled to the scotmid to accompany Becky, to buy my cake, stood outside
Watched Sin City (for the nth time) and American History X
Received calls from Barbie, Mom, Chatts, Juls and Ady
Felt grateful for the friends I have.
31?
31!
Duh ...
Submited 2 papers
Receieved: Wage, the Ugly Doll, 1 strawberry cake, 1 Grants whiskey, I box of chocolates, 1 mont blanc pen (ball point - which I dont use), Golden scarf (which I dont use)
Bought 2 buckets of KFC and misc sushi for Becky
Was hit by car, and survived
Lost my favourite lighter
Stumbled to the scotmid to accompany Becky, to buy my cake, stood outside
Watched Sin City (for the nth time) and American History X
Received calls from Barbie, Mom, Chatts, Juls and Ady
Felt grateful for the friends I have.
31?
31!
Duh ...
:)
My horoscope says "Take responsibility for your feelings. You'll be better off if you do so, and you may even realize you have more control over your life than you thought. Acknowledge your emotions in the present and you won't overreact later." What does it? Somehow, feel its imp to understand. But will I ever dare to do that? My feelings are so nasty and selfish most of the time! LOL
My housemate broke my fav shoes. And my heart.
The deadline for the Monday assignment has been moved by a day. We have the ICL assignments - its mammoth. We have to run a NRE tool on a german and english corpus. yuck! i'm sick TNT
And tonight I have to finish 3.5 pages on defeasible reasoning and more for cm and complete the ICS assignment which I dont even understand! asked the prod, & he doesnt know either! duh.
dad didnt come. and he didnt send the cards mom was sending with him either. this is my first birthday that i remember without a card from my mom, but I got her gift.
1.5 down. Half to go. Deadlines at 4. One essay postponed. Ha Ha Ha ... :D
My housemate broke my fav shoes. And my heart.
The deadline for the Monday assignment has been moved by a day. We have the ICL assignments - its mammoth. We have to run a NRE tool on a german and english corpus. yuck! i'm sick TNT
And tonight I have to finish 3.5 pages on defeasible reasoning and more for cm and complete the ICS assignment which I dont even understand! asked the prod, & he doesnt know either! duh.
dad didnt come. and he didnt send the cards mom was sending with him either. this is my first birthday that i remember without a card from my mom, but I got her gift.
1.5 down. Half to go. Deadlines at 4. One essay postponed. Ha Ha Ha ... :D
for you
I look for you everywhere, except
in the most obvious places.
I follow you around like a shadow
wasted. And i claw at your footsteps.
Yet you're too heavy, for me to lift
And yet to give you up tears out my guts.
The song in my ears keeps ringing
As the love winds out.
in the most obvious places.
I follow you around like a shadow
wasted. And i claw at your footsteps.
Yet you're too heavy, for me to lift
And yet to give you up tears out my guts.
The song in my ears keeps ringing
As the love winds out.
ostrich
time wont let u forget
time, and its misc monsters
will pull out ur pretty ostrich feather
one by one
and slice away ur body
stciking out of the sand
in tiny slivers
with a rusted nail
i thought i they had dried and scabbed
and i could open them again
but they still bled, ur blood
ur traitor blood
and people come
they want to make it better
walk in with hobnailed boots
treading on ur sores
and once the box is opened again
and the workmen gone
how long will it take you
in ur quiet house
to sweep it up again
to collect all those rabid dogs
the pieces of bone
and lock them up again
in the attics
shove bloody palms
into pockets again
after you've been forced to take them out
to prove
why u cant shake hands
time, and its misc monsters
will pull out ur pretty ostrich feather
one by one
and slice away ur body
stciking out of the sand
in tiny slivers
with a rusted nail
i thought i they had dried and scabbed
and i could open them again
but they still bled, ur blood
ur traitor blood
and people come
they want to make it better
walk in with hobnailed boots
treading on ur sores
and once the box is opened again
and the workmen gone
how long will it take you
in ur quiet house
to sweep it up again
to collect all those rabid dogs
the pieces of bone
and lock them up again
in the attics
shove bloody palms
into pockets again
after you've been forced to take them out
to prove
why u cant shake hands
Assigned
i am DYING of assignments
and i CANNOT concentrate
i sit with the stuff for HOURS and get nothing done
i have tried morning noon night. NOTHING is working
all i DO is chat and WHINE
i have FOUR essays due by monday
have not even STARTED
not even the BACKGROUND reading
that is 8000 words. atleast
no. more for CM. and
everyone knows i CANT write in structure
i miss home and my SISTER
i CANT do this
i want to RUN away
i am FREAKING out
LOL ;)
and i CANNOT concentrate
i sit with the stuff for HOURS and get nothing done
i have tried morning noon night. NOTHING is working
all i DO is chat and WHINE
i have FOUR essays due by monday
have not even STARTED
not even the BACKGROUND reading
that is 8000 words. atleast
no. more for CM. and
everyone knows i CANT write in structure
i miss home and my SISTER
i CANT do this
i want to RUN away
i am FREAKING out
LOL ;)
Doctor, Doctor
Can't somebody help me
Helplessly, I watch
As my cries die out
In wobbly, crazy shapes
Above my head.
And in the final moments
I am still amused
By the stained hysteria
and the strange purple-reds
Delicate and quivering
A bubble floats back
From tomorrow
I wish I had known in time
To do something
The sandman, dissolves in the rain
and slowly disintegrating
becomes one with the beach
His grandiose technicolour dreams
And his foolish pride and ambitions
evaporates, like water, noone sees
Helplessly, I watch
As my cries die out
In wobbly, crazy shapes
Above my head.
And in the final moments
I am still amused
By the stained hysteria
and the strange purple-reds
Delicate and quivering
A bubble floats back
From tomorrow
I wish I had known in time
To do something
The sandman, dissolves in the rain
and slowly disintegrating
becomes one with the beach
His grandiose technicolour dreams
And his foolish pride and ambitions
evaporates, like water, noone sees
when you're hurt
my world crashes and comes to a halt
i guess, thats what it means ...
i love you. my little one
my wee one. i wish i was there for u
when i feel like that for somebody new
i'll know thats i love you
i guess, thats what it means ...
i love you. my little one
my wee one. i wish i was there for u
when i feel like that for somebody new
i'll know thats i love you
dismal-dull-done
watching KANK again
the one who gave me that link did know what she was doing
the beauty of it is, i think, in silsila, or even in the hollywood version
the other people are kind of paler, u 'feel sorry for them
but no more
here every now and then u see it in preity zinta or abhishekh
i could see easily why she would be attracted to him
as clearly as i can see how tiresomely trivial, superficial, "happy" he is
and also the way he catches these bizzare things
like preity hitting the nail bang on the head when she says
u cant love anyone, bcz u hate urself too much
and abhishekh bachchan cribbing about rani mukherjee
u dont love anyone. u don find anything funny. ur too serious.
u dont want to be happy.
ur dull. ur boring.
BINGO, sunshine! u said it. now how do i fix it?
but they'll hang on and keep btching about it, wont they
they wont pack up their sunshine and leave
the thing about happy people that freaks me out is,
if they are that elated, they're missing something
and another thing i love that they show, or almost
is that cruelty tic ... its like a tic in ur eye
ur aware of it, and of how annoying it is
but the minute you stop holding stiff and polite and sweet
and in control ... u get bitchy and cruel
;0) just kidding
and ofcourse i love the nonsaintliness of the parents
and preity's mom in the toy store was SO familiar
but maybe they shud have made her a little badder, as well
and that scene at the crossing with preity and rani (god i love her but i hare her name) both approaching shah rukh khan ... most people would say its so unreal right?what are the chances of something like that happening! lol ... u'd think that way unless u actually saw it happening - everyday - little miracles!
and someone was critising it bcz of the way he treats the kid. i know. but he's survive. what doesnt kill u makes u tougher. growing up in confused fear like that, having no clue what will hit you, when, can only make him stronger. and more screwed up. he'll grow up. a little darker and screwed up, probably, and love moveis like kank when they come out. lol
the one who gave me that link did know what she was doing
the beauty of it is, i think, in silsila, or even in the hollywood version
the other people are kind of paler, u 'feel sorry for them
but no more
here every now and then u see it in preity zinta or abhishekh
i could see easily why she would be attracted to him
as clearly as i can see how tiresomely trivial, superficial, "happy" he is
and also the way he catches these bizzare things
like preity hitting the nail bang on the head when she says
u cant love anyone, bcz u hate urself too much
and abhishekh bachchan cribbing about rani mukherjee
u dont love anyone. u don find anything funny. ur too serious.
u dont want to be happy.
ur dull. ur boring.
BINGO, sunshine! u said it. now how do i fix it?
but they'll hang on and keep btching about it, wont they
they wont pack up their sunshine and leave
the thing about happy people that freaks me out is,
if they are that elated, they're missing something
and another thing i love that they show, or almost
is that cruelty tic ... its like a tic in ur eye
ur aware of it, and of how annoying it is
but the minute you stop holding stiff and polite and sweet
and in control ... u get bitchy and cruel
;0) just kidding
and ofcourse i love the nonsaintliness of the parents
and preity's mom in the toy store was SO familiar
but maybe they shud have made her a little badder, as well
and that scene at the crossing with preity and rani (god i love her but i hare her name) both approaching shah rukh khan ... most people would say its so unreal right?what are the chances of something like that happening! lol ... u'd think that way unless u actually saw it happening - everyday - little miracles!
and someone was critising it bcz of the way he treats the kid. i know. but he's survive. what doesnt kill u makes u tougher. growing up in confused fear like that, having no clue what will hit you, when, can only make him stronger. and more screwed up. he'll grow up. a little darker and screwed up, probably, and love moveis like kank when they come out. lol
bird song
were our love the giant
of childhood fairy tales
its soul encased in a bird
and that bird would be a song
as long as it rung
in my ears
would our love survive
as long as it danced
would i be trapped
and never seek
to flee
from this circle love
and the day it dies
would we
of childhood fairy tales
its soul encased in a bird
and that bird would be a song
as long as it rung
in my ears
would our love survive
as long as it danced
would i be trapped
and never seek
to flee
from this circle love
and the day it dies
would we
consequences
in my little scared timid non confrontational arrogent egoistic tangential ways, could i have ever gotten it through to you, how much you hurt me? and this. i wish i hadnt listened to you on this. now life will never be the same, in so many ways. so much more regret, as if i didnt have enough desertions in my backpack already. yes, i am feeling resentful. and yes, i do know its not really anyone's fault but mine. but still, u cant be rational all the time ;)
i often wonder who 'most people' go to when they feel desperate. Do they feel desperate. this strange rush, that barbie call 'the exam exam feeling' ... funny but apt. ur cant define it. or pin it down. this is not madcap calling. this is u knowing u fucked up big time and there is no recall. the dead have died, and the lost are gone.
its my own fault. i didnt know my own mind. I never usually listen to anyone. I am polite, and sweet. I am too lazy too argue. But I usually go do my own thing anyway. Atleast eventually. Thing is, noone but me ever had the full facts. so noone but me can make the right decision, however older, wiser, smarter they are. But sometimes I forget that. The decision seems to big and I panic and listen to what people say. And later, I regret. I feel a little resentful, but I know thats not fair, because if someone told you something, they thought it was for the best. But still, the heart doesnt listen to logic, sometimes.
there's no poison more potent than guilt. and regret. now, that the shock of losing you, and the weight of knowing its for good, has settled into this unfeeling numbness, I miss the bitter sharpness of the pain. Sometimes.
sometimes i forget. what i am. where i come from. i play with the other children in class and laugh and sing. those are the worst times, because its only time playing a trick on you. when it comes back, it comes with a bang.
Remembering: http://purpleblueorange.blogspot.com/2004/10/shadows-of-sun.html
so there i was, walking through a crowd of stranger, smile and nods at hand, to be dispensed, exchanged, like loose change. Suddenly, I see you appear, looming like a giant over the gold painted organ. I started to take a picture, before I knew what I was doing, in excitement, to send home to you, when suddenly I remembered, you've left me and gone back home, to your palace, with organs and blue tiled rooms.
So I recollect myself, and wind my the thoughts back up and place them in my other palm, and stuff it in my pocket. And when I pull it out again, bring out a smile and some silly question and paste it.
Sometimes the best way to stop people asking what you're thinking, is to keep them talking about what they are thinking. Other times, the only way is to distract them with something else you, quite easily, might have been thinking.
The walls of the fortress are high. The sentries parade non-stop, on the bare, forbidding walls. Inside its cold and bleak. Outside, its sun and flowers. Inside, just nothingness grows. And at the heart of it all, is the museum.
i often wonder who 'most people' go to when they feel desperate. Do they feel desperate. this strange rush, that barbie call 'the exam exam feeling' ... funny but apt. ur cant define it. or pin it down. this is not madcap calling. this is u knowing u fucked up big time and there is no recall. the dead have died, and the lost are gone.
its my own fault. i didnt know my own mind. I never usually listen to anyone. I am polite, and sweet. I am too lazy too argue. But I usually go do my own thing anyway. Atleast eventually. Thing is, noone but me ever had the full facts. so noone but me can make the right decision, however older, wiser, smarter they are. But sometimes I forget that. The decision seems to big and I panic and listen to what people say. And later, I regret. I feel a little resentful, but I know thats not fair, because if someone told you something, they thought it was for the best. But still, the heart doesnt listen to logic, sometimes.
there's no poison more potent than guilt. and regret. now, that the shock of losing you, and the weight of knowing its for good, has settled into this unfeeling numbness, I miss the bitter sharpness of the pain. Sometimes.
sometimes i forget. what i am. where i come from. i play with the other children in class and laugh and sing. those are the worst times, because its only time playing a trick on you. when it comes back, it comes with a bang.
Remembering: http://purpleblueorange.blogspot.com/2004/10/shadows-of-sun.html
so there i was, walking through a crowd of stranger, smile and nods at hand, to be dispensed, exchanged, like loose change. Suddenly, I see you appear, looming like a giant over the gold painted organ. I started to take a picture, before I knew what I was doing, in excitement, to send home to you, when suddenly I remembered, you've left me and gone back home, to your palace, with organs and blue tiled rooms.
So I recollect myself, and wind my the thoughts back up and place them in my other palm, and stuff it in my pocket. And when I pull it out again, bring out a smile and some silly question and paste it.
Sometimes the best way to stop people asking what you're thinking, is to keep them talking about what they are thinking. Other times, the only way is to distract them with something else you, quite easily, might have been thinking.
The walls of the fortress are high. The sentries parade non-stop, on the bare, forbidding walls. Inside its cold and bleak. Outside, its sun and flowers. Inside, just nothingness grows. And at the heart of it all, is the museum.
Back Home Again
This was when I moved away from here. So much has changed since then. Hell, everything has changed since then. It was the time when life fell apart. I look at some people, they go through pain and hurt and they talk about it so easily, and then they feel better and they get on with life. I wish I could do that. I would want to but I couldnt get the words out.
But that was a phase of life, while I was there. Now, I think I am better. So maybe its a good time to move back. There's only one person in the world I can open up to and talk. Sister of my soul, my twin, seperated by 10 years, lol, and yeah, being home again, with her, for however little time we had, was healing. Its not the the hurt goes away. But it gets a little easier to live with. The weight settles.
We are having an onslought of submissions in college. Its assignment time! I had a killer assignment on Friday. We had to compare 2 POS Taggers and I think I screwed it up big time. Next we have a big one on Monday for Theory of Mind, on the language of thought. I havent even started on that yet.
Its funny how the days just slip away without me noticing it. I do less and less constructive work everyday. I dont even read. I just chat with people. I think I miss my anti social days. Or atleast, my work does. I just had this bizzare conversation with someone downstairs. Its strange the conversations that are born at midnight study breaks :)
It was good to get that though. Good timing. I was miserable just before. Its a horrid feeling when ur being torn apart and there's noone you can talk to about it. Not bcz there is noone who cares, or noone who is there, but just bcz it would need so much history to be gone into. It was easier when I was frozen. Its harder now that I have thawed. I cant beleive how different I have become in just a few short months! Its bizzare!
I think its fine though. Everything will work out. She's a good strong kid. And if I survived she will. I just wish I could show her shortcuts that I see only after I have crossed all those stretches, save her the heartbreaks, the dirty, filthy, lowdown of life taht I have waded through to get here, but I know it doesnt work that way. She has to go through it. And I guess we were born for stuff like this. Like the rest of the stuff he is always giving it to us for, its in the blood. As is the strength to take it.
Anyway, we stood down their and laughed and laughed. Scared all the while that the angry lady from the 1st floor would scream at us again for making noise. Legend has it that she just comes down and starts yelling. Damn! I've never seen her!
Ms. Miagi (thats my friend here - a nick) and icelander just went down to the pub for some drinks. Ice wanted to go alone, the better to meet scottisgmen with, but Ms. Miagi said she'll go along. I said I'll come back up and work on the essay. And this is how I do that. LOL
Originally Posted at Prerona.
But that was a phase of life, while I was there. Now, I think I am better. So maybe its a good time to move back. There's only one person in the world I can open up to and talk. Sister of my soul, my twin, seperated by 10 years, lol, and yeah, being home again, with her, for however little time we had, was healing. Its not the the hurt goes away. But it gets a little easier to live with. The weight settles.
We are having an onslought of submissions in college. Its assignment time! I had a killer assignment on Friday. We had to compare 2 POS Taggers and I think I screwed it up big time. Next we have a big one on Monday for Theory of Mind, on the language of thought. I havent even started on that yet.
Its funny how the days just slip away without me noticing it. I do less and less constructive work everyday. I dont even read. I just chat with people. I think I miss my anti social days. Or atleast, my work does. I just had this bizzare conversation with someone downstairs. Its strange the conversations that are born at midnight study breaks :)
It was good to get that though. Good timing. I was miserable just before. Its a horrid feeling when ur being torn apart and there's noone you can talk to about it. Not bcz there is noone who cares, or noone who is there, but just bcz it would need so much history to be gone into. It was easier when I was frozen. Its harder now that I have thawed. I cant beleive how different I have become in just a few short months! Its bizzare!
I think its fine though. Everything will work out. She's a good strong kid. And if I survived she will. I just wish I could show her shortcuts that I see only after I have crossed all those stretches, save her the heartbreaks, the dirty, filthy, lowdown of life taht I have waded through to get here, but I know it doesnt work that way. She has to go through it. And I guess we were born for stuff like this. Like the rest of the stuff he is always giving it to us for, its in the blood. As is the strength to take it.
Anyway, we stood down their and laughed and laughed. Scared all the while that the angry lady from the 1st floor would scream at us again for making noise. Legend has it that she just comes down and starts yelling. Damn! I've never seen her!
Ms. Miagi (thats my friend here - a nick) and icelander just went down to the pub for some drinks. Ice wanted to go alone, the better to meet scottisgmen with, but Ms. Miagi said she'll go along. I said I'll come back up and work on the essay. And this is how I do that. LOL
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Back Home Again
This was when I moved away from here. So much has changed since then. Hell, everything has changed since then. It was the time when life fell apart. I look at some people, they go through pain and hurt and they talk about it so easily, and then they feel better and they get on with life. I wish I could do that. I would want to but I couldnt get the words out.
...
But that was a phase of life, while I was there. Now, I think I am better. So maybe its a good time to move back. There's only one person in the world I can open up to and talk. Sister of my soul, my twin, seperated by 10 years, lol, and yeah, being home again, with her, for however little time we had, was healing. Its not the the hurt goes away. But it gets a little easier to live with. The weight settles.
We are having an onslought of submissions in college. Its assignment time! I had a killer assignment on Friday. We had to compare 2 POS Taggers and I think I screwed it up big time. Next we have a big one on Monday for Theory of Mind, on the language of thought. I havent even started on that yet.
Its funny how the days just slip away without me noticing it. I do less and less constructive work everyday. I dont even read. I just chat with people. I think I miss my anti social days. Or atleast, my work does. I just had this bizzare conversation with someone downstairs. Its strange the conversations that are born at midnight study breaks :)
It was good to get that though. Good timing. I was miserable just before. Its a horrid feeling when ur being torn apart and there's noone you can talk to about it. Not bcz there is noone who cares, or noone who is there, but just bcz it would need so much history to be gone into. It was easier when I was frozen. Its harder now that I have thawed. I cant beleive how different I have become in just a few short months! Its bizzare!
I think its fine though. Everything will work out. She's a good strong kid. And if I survived she will. I just wish I could show her shortcuts that I see only after I have crossed all those stretches, save her the heartbreaks, the dirty, filthy, lowdown of life taht I have waded through to get here, but I know it doesnt work that way. She has to go through it. And I guess we were born for stuff like this. Like the rest of the stuff he is always giving it to us for, its in the blood. As is the strength to take it.
Anyway, we stood down their and laughed and laughed. Scared all the while that the angry lady from the 1st floor would scream at us again for making noise. Legend has it that she just comes down and starts yelling. Damn! I've never seen her!
Ms. Miagi (thats my friend here - a nick) and icelander just went down to the pub for some drinks. Ice wanted to go alone, the better to meet scottisgmen with, but Ms. Miagi said she'll go along. I said I'll come back up and work on the essay. And this is how I do that. LOL
...
But that was a phase of life, while I was there. Now, I think I am better. So maybe its a good time to move back. There's only one person in the world I can open up to and talk. Sister of my soul, my twin, seperated by 10 years, lol, and yeah, being home again, with her, for however little time we had, was healing. Its not the the hurt goes away. But it gets a little easier to live with. The weight settles.
We are having an onslought of submissions in college. Its assignment time! I had a killer assignment on Friday. We had to compare 2 POS Taggers and I think I screwed it up big time. Next we have a big one on Monday for Theory of Mind, on the language of thought. I havent even started on that yet.
Its funny how the days just slip away without me noticing it. I do less and less constructive work everyday. I dont even read. I just chat with people. I think I miss my anti social days. Or atleast, my work does. I just had this bizzare conversation with someone downstairs. Its strange the conversations that are born at midnight study breaks :)
It was good to get that though. Good timing. I was miserable just before. Its a horrid feeling when ur being torn apart and there's noone you can talk to about it. Not bcz there is noone who cares, or noone who is there, but just bcz it would need so much history to be gone into. It was easier when I was frozen. Its harder now that I have thawed. I cant beleive how different I have become in just a few short months! Its bizzare!
I think its fine though. Everything will work out. She's a good strong kid. And if I survived she will. I just wish I could show her shortcuts that I see only after I have crossed all those stretches, save her the heartbreaks, the dirty, filthy, lowdown of life taht I have waded through to get here, but I know it doesnt work that way. She has to go through it. And I guess we were born for stuff like this. Like the rest of the stuff he is always giving it to us for, its in the blood. As is the strength to take it.
Anyway, we stood down their and laughed and laughed. Scared all the while that the angry lady from the 1st floor would scream at us again for making noise. Legend has it that she just comes down and starts yelling. Damn! I've never seen her!
Ms. Miagi (thats my friend here - a nick) and icelander just went down to the pub for some drinks. Ice wanted to go alone, the better to meet scottisgmen with, but Ms. Miagi said she'll go along. I said I'll come back up and work on the essay. And this is how I do that. LOL
Hello Stranger
So I've lost you again
Its my own stupid fault
I should never have come away
Stayed home and on gaurd
Now ur floating again
In ur clouds of purple haze
My sweet little child
I look at you and wonder
What is it I want
From and for you, anyway
Then you'll say again
You're grown up and sane
More than me anyway
Yeah!
Right
Thing is, she said she made you for me
My little dollie
Now ur all messed up and getting dirty
I want my baby clean
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Its my own stupid fault
I should never have come away
Stayed home and on gaurd
Now ur floating again
In ur clouds of purple haze
My sweet little child
I look at you and wonder
What is it I want
From and for you, anyway
Then you'll say again
You're grown up and sane
More than me anyway
Yeah!
Right
Thing is, she said she made you for me
My little dollie
Now ur all messed up and getting dirty
I want my baby clean
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Hollow
the melted copper moon
trickles down the black night
and gathers in a puddle
on the floor
in a corner
of my room.
i test a tear,
and wonder if its too soon.
in the darkness,
the minutes march
marking time
as it slips away.
somewhere, you wander too.
i wonder, where are you?
there's a place
by the sea.
black stone walls
strewn around.
there is spray,
dancing in a moonbeam
and the silence of darkness,
full and heavy in my hand.
i remember the feel
of gravelly wet sand.
i remember the rythms of waves
the rise and swell and fading away.
once again, without you i'm hollow.
though toys come and toys go,
though you hold my hand, my heart is empty,
still, incomplete, a windblown leaf.
a windblown leaf
that cud have been beautiful
had it in not been stolen,
and frozen, by the wind
floats and dances and swirls in the breeze
and comes and falls in ur palm.
entranced, u smile. ur fingers curl.
dont move! dont crush it. its dry from the cold and time.
and dont open ur hands and let it fall
trickles down the black night
and gathers in a puddle
on the floor
in a corner
of my room.
i test a tear,
and wonder if its too soon.
in the darkness,
the minutes march
marking time
as it slips away.
somewhere, you wander too.
i wonder, where are you?
there's a place
by the sea.
black stone walls
strewn around.
there is spray,
dancing in a moonbeam
and the silence of darkness,
full and heavy in my hand.
i remember the feel
of gravelly wet sand.
i remember the rythms of waves
the rise and swell and fading away.
once again, without you i'm hollow.
though toys come and toys go,
though you hold my hand, my heart is empty,
still, incomplete, a windblown leaf.
a windblown leaf
that cud have been beautiful
had it in not been stolen,
and frozen, by the wind
floats and dances and swirls in the breeze
and comes and falls in ur palm.
entranced, u smile. ur fingers curl.
dont move! dont crush it. its dry from the cold and time.
and dont open ur hands and let it fall
Byron: The God of Words
Could I embody and unbosom now
That which is most within me, could I wreak
My thoughts upon expression, and thus throw
Soul, heart, mind, passions, feelings, strong or weak,
All that I would have sought, and all I seek,
Bear, now, feel, and yet breathe into one word,
And that one word were Lightning, I would speak;
But as it is, I live and die unheard,
With a most voiceless thought, sheathing it as a sword.
forgot to mention that all 3 of these are fro childe harolds (what else)
i dislike poetry & other pointless things in general, but those that i like, i love
lately been thinking of henry and june, think will buy me the dvd. i miss half.com :( & i miss my dvdrental thing. Been thinking of moving back to Ricercar, lately. Will slow or close this house down.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
That which is most within me, could I wreak
My thoughts upon expression, and thus throw
Soul, heart, mind, passions, feelings, strong or weak,
All that I would have sought, and all I seek,
Bear, now, feel, and yet breathe into one word,
And that one word were Lightning, I would speak;
But as it is, I live and die unheard,
With a most voiceless thought, sheathing it as a sword.
forgot to mention that all 3 of these are fro childe harolds (what else)
i dislike poetry & other pointless things in general, but those that i like, i love
lately been thinking of henry and june, think will buy me the dvd. i miss half.com :( & i miss my dvdrental thing. Been thinking of moving back to Ricercar, lately. Will slow or close this house down.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Silverknowes, Edinburgh
DSC01978
Originally uploaded by prerona.
The morn is up again, the dewy morn,
With breath all incense, and with cheek all bloom,
the clouds away with playful scorn,
And living as if earth contain'd no tomb,
And glowing into day: we may resume
The march of our existence: and thus I,
Still on thy shores, fair Lemon! may find room
And food for meditation, nor pass by
Much, that may give us pause, if ponder'd fittingly.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Calcutta Dreaming
DSC03930
Originally uploaded by prerona.
Not in those climes where I have late been straying,
Though Beauty long hath there been matchless deem'd;
Not in those visions to the heart displaying
Forms which it sighs but to have only dream'd,
Hath aught like thee in truth or fancy seem'd:
Nor, having seen thee, shall I vainly seek
To paint those charms which varied as they beam'd —
To such as see thee not my words were weak;
To those who gaze on thee what language could they speak?
will probably change this picture; but which wud i chose to say how beautiful
she is? maybe gentle people, with flowers in their hair. still water, pushing up the sun as it rises? long empty streets? time that has lived there so very long, history frozen, beauty so hidden, so obscure, so abstruse ... awww damn. come, december!
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Pinochio: Becoming Real
at first, he can just think of how beautiful she is and how nice it feels. then, when the blue fairy gets mad and mean, he shivers in fear and from the cold while she rages away. she reminds him of Geppetto's hammers and saw. but he did realise that she was probably more upset than him, he was just shit scared. which probably made it worse. and he thought, life had been so much simpler when he was simply non living
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Night Sea
I woke up from a dream
with a song in my head
wearing a smile
a little sunshine, in my mind
i wasnt looking
i was a bit lost in the unfamilar feeling
i must have forgotten,
my caution under my pillow
i'm sorry if i spoke out loud
the voices in my head
i'm sorry if i laughed out loud
or smiled at you that way
did i say i care
sometimes it doesnt last
did i say i like you
its probably not too much
but dont go trusting me, sweet child
i'll just break ur heart
and dont love me too much,
i'll tear you apart
i'm so scared of hurting you
because thats what i do
i'm falling, into the blackhole in my head,
and if u reach out, to save me, ill pull u in too
DSC01971
Originally uploaded by prerona.
OST: This, or This?
but sometimes, when the moon dances on the sea
i go down to the beach,
and hear the waves rustling on the rocks
while the lighthouse spins uselessly,
i go back to yesterday
feel u with me again
in the darkness, i can hear u
whisper to me
i scrawl our names
with a twig, in the sand
and another wave, playfully
wipes it out, and we end again
with a song in my head
wearing a smile
a little sunshine, in my mind
i wasnt looking
i was a bit lost in the unfamilar feeling
i must have forgotten,
my caution under my pillow
i'm sorry if i spoke out loud
the voices in my head
i'm sorry if i laughed out loud
or smiled at you that way
did i say i care
sometimes it doesnt last
did i say i like you
its probably not too much
but dont go trusting me, sweet child
i'll just break ur heart
and dont love me too much,
i'll tear you apart
i'm so scared of hurting you
because thats what i do
i'm falling, into the blackhole in my head,
and if u reach out, to save me, ill pull u in too
DSC01971
Originally uploaded by prerona.
OST: This, or This?
but sometimes, when the moon dances on the sea
i go down to the beach,
and hear the waves rustling on the rocks
while the lighthouse spins uselessly,
i go back to yesterday
feel u with me again
in the darkness, i can hear u
whisper to me
i scrawl our names
with a twig, in the sand
and another wave, playfully
wipes it out, and we end again
Who can it be now - is it Madcap at the door?
she had been restless throughout the evening, more so than usual. she couldnt concentrate, so she tried to rest for a while. but he got into her dreams and woke her up. in her dream he was strangling him. like all those stories and fairytales, of us and them, one each, joined, like anchors tied round athletic feet. she woke up with a start, in a sweat. she thought she heard him laughing. was it at the window, or in her head? she thought she heard footsteps pacing outside her door. had she dreamt it, or had he finally come? no one can describe that terrible, all consuming, gut wrenching panic, of thinking he's outside the door, of waiting for madcap to raise his hand, and knock. i forget ... was that Toto? same as Africa, i think. getting old.
Coloured
we were lounging in the garage and wouldnt you just know it ... i didnt see the wet paint sign and got colour all over my back from the bicycle rack! bright green ... been ages since i did this! forgotten how awful it cud be! so now i'm walking around green trying to look cool and act like i cudnt give a f.f anyway ... u can always pretend its the coolest thing - may even set a trend.
it was a clear night. saw the stars and the dark, dark sky both after so long. over here, usually all u get to see is a mass of swirling clouds. nice, wrapped in cotton wool, insulated feeling. When the clouds move away you get to see the sky. its awesome. but u also feel the cold more, when u do. cuts to the quick, the wind.
we went to a friend's place. wonderful food. its such a nice feeling to just be at home and chill out. but as the numbers go up my feeling of awkwardness usually just grows. perhaps i am just growing into the old bitter misanthropic mould. its worse on me, bcz when i am actually shy or awkward I look like I am being standoffish. Have been told so many times. People get to know me and say oh ur so nice we used to think ur such a snob. which i am, ofcourse, quite bad. god knows. perhaps we're all onions. i must just be watched matrix. walked back all the way. all of 40 mins. i think i had digested all the food by the time we got back!
Originally Posted at Prerona.
it was a clear night. saw the stars and the dark, dark sky both after so long. over here, usually all u get to see is a mass of swirling clouds. nice, wrapped in cotton wool, insulated feeling. When the clouds move away you get to see the sky. its awesome. but u also feel the cold more, when u do. cuts to the quick, the wind.
we went to a friend's place. wonderful food. its such a nice feeling to just be at home and chill out. but as the numbers go up my feeling of awkwardness usually just grows. perhaps i am just growing into the old bitter misanthropic mould. its worse on me, bcz when i am actually shy or awkward I look like I am being standoffish. Have been told so many times. People get to know me and say oh ur so nice we used to think ur such a snob. which i am, ofcourse, quite bad. god knows. perhaps we're all onions. i must just be watched matrix. walked back all the way. all of 40 mins. i think i had digested all the food by the time we got back!
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Hollow
the melted copper moon
trickles down
the black night
and gathers in a puddle
on the floor
in a corner
of my room.
a test a tear,
and wonder if its too soon.
in the darkness
the minutes march
marking time
as it slips away.
somewhere, you wander too
where are you?
there's a place,
by the sea.
black stone walls
strewn around.
there is spray,
dancing in a moonbeam
and the silence of darkness,
full and heavy in my hand.
i remember the feel
of gravelly wet sand
i remember the rythms of waves
the rise and swell and fading away
once again without you i'm hollow
though toys come and toys go
though you hold my hand, my heart is empty
still, incomplete, a windblown leaf,
that cud have been beautiful
had it in not been stolen,
and frozen by the wind
floats and dances and swirls in the breeze
and comes and falls in ur palm
entranced, u smile. ur fingers curl
dont move. dont crush it. its dry from the cold and time
and dont open ur hands and let it fall
couldnt find the song! but here's a link!
Copper Moon
Originally uploaded by trevindc.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
trickles down
the black night
and gathers in a puddle
on the floor
in a corner
of my room.
a test a tear,
and wonder if its too soon.
in the darkness
the minutes march
marking time
as it slips away.
somewhere, you wander too
where are you?
there's a place,
by the sea.
black stone walls
strewn around.
there is spray,
dancing in a moonbeam
and the silence of darkness,
full and heavy in my hand.
i remember the feel
of gravelly wet sand
i remember the rythms of waves
the rise and swell and fading away
once again without you i'm hollow
though toys come and toys go
though you hold my hand, my heart is empty
still, incomplete, a windblown leaf,
that cud have been beautiful
had it in not been stolen,
and frozen by the wind
floats and dances and swirls in the breeze
and comes and falls in ur palm
entranced, u smile. ur fingers curl
dont move. dont crush it. its dry from the cold and time
and dont open ur hands and let it fall
couldnt find the song! but here's a link!
Copper Moon
Originally uploaded by trevindc.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Fiction
Reading some fiction after ages! Dont remember when I last read so little. This makes my work days feel like party time by comparism. Needed something mindless and trashy. So here goes with an old fav by Harold Robins, Never Love a Stranger. I think that he makes a bit of a stereo type of that character. Mean and Grumpy and Awesome. Awwww ... I love him!
My birthday is coming up and I am excited already! I am going to buy myself one of the following:
Steppenwolf, The end of the affair, Beautiful Mind, Henry and June (the movie), Decalogue (the movie (s)), a new moleskin, some purple ink for my fountain pen. Way my budget is going, probably be the last. Or might even just be KFC! Lol
Been a while since I did a ate an icecream, watched a movie post like this, isnt it? Lol. I really amuse myself ... like I am seperate, watching, and I am so f amused ... the games, the lies, the deceptions, misery, the heartbreak, the euphoria, the blankness, the lazyness, the energy ... Always said I am not at all Scorp-ish, but in this one thing I am ... I vacillate from extreme to extreme, never slowing at the centres. Can be very disconcerting if you're watching. Or amusing. Depending on how much distance you keep. I'd advice lots.
Its raining down an orchestra on the tin roof of the gallery outside my window. So many different surfaces surround this space, the glass, the concrete, the tin ... it makes for beuatiful listening when it rains. And that always reminds me of that
scene (@ first sight) ... which reminds me of him ... and which reminds me of how he played my beloved, beloved James. I didnt see that movie forever bcz I was scared of spoiling it, scared that it would be awful. And then, like these things go, I saw it one day ... and it blew my mind.
The stars hang low and polished after a long nights rain. To paraphrase, I dont want them now.
I'll leave you with a very bad bad bad version of an awesome awesome awesome song by (the version i like is ben harper but i couldnt find it to link) ...
Originally Posted at Prerona.
My birthday is coming up and I am excited already! I am going to buy myself one of the following:
Steppenwolf, The end of the affair, Beautiful Mind, Henry and June (the movie), Decalogue (the movie (s)), a new moleskin, some purple ink for my fountain pen. Way my budget is going, probably be the last. Or might even just be KFC! Lol
Been a while since I did a ate an icecream, watched a movie post like this, isnt it? Lol. I really amuse myself ... like I am seperate, watching, and I am so f amused ... the games, the lies, the deceptions, misery, the heartbreak, the euphoria, the blankness, the lazyness, the energy ... Always said I am not at all Scorp-ish, but in this one thing I am ... I vacillate from extreme to extreme, never slowing at the centres. Can be very disconcerting if you're watching. Or amusing. Depending on how much distance you keep. I'd advice lots.
Its raining down an orchestra on the tin roof of the gallery outside my window. So many different surfaces surround this space, the glass, the concrete, the tin ... it makes for beuatiful listening when it rains. And that always reminds me of that
scene (@ first sight) ... which reminds me of him ... and which reminds me of how he played my beloved, beloved James. I didnt see that movie forever bcz I was scared of spoiling it, scared that it would be awful. And then, like these things go, I saw it one day ... and it blew my mind.
The stars hang low and polished after a long nights rain. To paraphrase, I dont want them now.
I'll leave you with a very bad bad bad version of an awesome awesome awesome song by (the version i like is ben harper but i couldnt find it to link) ...
Originally Posted at Prerona.
KANK
Have a desperate itch to watch KANK again! Damn, I loved that movie. I could have lived without some of the frills, but the
rest ... what was it about the her, about them, that made me feel like someone had been spying when i wasnt looking. More than that. So close to home, and so f faithfully handled.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
rest ... what was it about the her, about them, that made me feel like someone had been spying when i wasnt looking. More than that. So close to home, and so f faithfully handled.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Pain
i dont have that kind of words
how do you draw in a few syllables
or many, a picture of a black hole?
or emptiness, or a desert?
i saw you in my dreams again
alive, smiling, soft
is it really so out of proportions
whats the correct length mourning?
how decides these things?
who lays down the laws
whom we can love, how and how much
and the ways in which we can die
i felt your smile around me
softly, u drew me in
these memories are like a soft edged knife
smoothly slides in and hammers out again
suddenly i'm out of breath
inside i'm screaming
outside there's just a distant look
in my eye, that passes when u look this way
yes, i'm learning the lessons life's been teaching
now i leave quietly through the backdoors
pristine honesty, contracts of love, santa claus and forever
now i know they're just dreams
its one of those times again
soon, i know, it will pass
for now i can only wait
till the pain recedes to a dull ache again
how do you draw in a few syllables
or many, a picture of a black hole?
or emptiness, or a desert?
i saw you in my dreams again
alive, smiling, soft
is it really so out of proportions
whats the correct length mourning?
how decides these things?
who lays down the laws
whom we can love, how and how much
and the ways in which we can die
i felt your smile around me
softly, u drew me in
these memories are like a soft edged knife
smoothly slides in and hammers out again
suddenly i'm out of breath
inside i'm screaming
outside there's just a distant look
in my eye, that passes when u look this way
yes, i'm learning the lessons life's been teaching
now i leave quietly through the backdoors
pristine honesty, contracts of love, santa claus and forever
now i know they're just dreams
its one of those times again
soon, i know, it will pass
for now i can only wait
till the pain recedes to a dull ache again
Dreams
Two mins my eyes shut
and i had the most awesome nightmare
she called me and pulled my hand
and we were back home again!
and from the other room i heard ur voice
u said, "ki korchhish tora duto te te mile,
dosshi. did ke porte dao. ekei to kichhu pore na
koto koshto kore tomaader baba porachhe"
and i had that funny floating up feeling
like i get sometimes in my sleep
like i am awake and floating
and i floted to ur room
the bed was in the old place
and u were in it
i touched u
ur legs werent cold
soft warm albaster skin
and i ouched ur little toe
and it was whole again
no more sore skin
and i called ur name
and u frowned at me as if to say
abar paglami korchhish!
as if to say yeah! so?
like u had been there all along
and u said, so many things
and i kept asking pointed questions
trying to hint at the unsaid
like amaar oshukh hoyechhilo,
tumi jaannte? ki kore jaanle
and u said keno baar baar
oi shob kotha kotha tuchhish?
chhere de na. bhule ja
yeah right. but i couldnt see ur face
at one point it was distored
into boudi's face
is she there with u? omg
u were made at me
but u were there
i woke up screaming ur name
please come back again
and i had the most awesome nightmare
she called me and pulled my hand
and we were back home again!
and from the other room i heard ur voice
u said, "ki korchhish tora duto te te mile,
dosshi. did ke porte dao. ekei to kichhu pore na
koto koshto kore tomaader baba porachhe"
and i had that funny floating up feeling
like i get sometimes in my sleep
like i am awake and floating
and i floted to ur room
the bed was in the old place
and u were in it
i touched u
ur legs werent cold
soft warm albaster skin
and i ouched ur little toe
and it was whole again
no more sore skin
and i called ur name
and u frowned at me as if to say
abar paglami korchhish!
as if to say yeah! so?
like u had been there all along
and u said, so many things
and i kept asking pointed questions
trying to hint at the unsaid
like amaar oshukh hoyechhilo,
tumi jaannte? ki kore jaanle
and u said keno baar baar
oi shob kotha kotha tuchhish?
chhere de na. bhule ja
yeah right. but i couldnt see ur face
at one point it was distored
into boudi's face
is she there with u? omg
u were made at me
but u were there
i woke up screaming ur name
please come back again
Time
it only takes nothing
you do nothing, and yet
you make my heart flip
round and round, and faster
it only takes nothing
you do nothing, and yet
i wish this moment would never end
because i never knew one so perfect
anyway, far from liking you,
i dont even know ur middle name
isnt it strange then
that i u drop in to my mind again
should i bother to dispel it
should i worry about it being wrong
should i bother about my safety
or more importantly, yours?
i almost cannot bear to
its a lazy tired feeling
like coming home, to a home
a mad day had made me forget
i want to let it be
it's only for a while
its trapped in this moment
i want to freeze this moment in time
you do nothing, and yet
you make my heart flip
round and round, and faster
it only takes nothing
you do nothing, and yet
i wish this moment would never end
because i never knew one so perfect
anyway, far from liking you,
i dont even know ur middle name
isnt it strange then
that i u drop in to my mind again
should i bother to dispel it
should i worry about it being wrong
should i bother about my safety
or more importantly, yours?
i almost cannot bear to
its a lazy tired feeling
like coming home, to a home
a mad day had made me forget
i want to let it be
it's only for a while
its trapped in this moment
i want to freeze this moment in time
Still Dead
sometimes ur sad, but you're ok
and at other times,
sadness has a scary edge of desperation to it
and you feel like u might just be drowning
slipping into some deep dark place inside you
and u break into pieces, each watching all the others
one wanting to dive in and swim in the dark,
find the heart of the night
and another, scared, wanting the light
and another, that died or was never born,
and couldnt care one way or another
and while u slide, u panic
and u want to reach out
when i slide there's no one
i'd dare to hold on to
that i wouldnt pull them in
or be burnt by the grip
exchanging,
one well for another
but thats why
when i walk by a well, or bog
i stretch my arms out and hold on tight
and pull whenever
and once ashore
i let go
but sometimes thats not
just what they were after
as a price for ur wanting to make them happy
they want ur soul
443 days
443 nights
443 notches on the side of ur grave
ur stubborn indifference
makes me hate
anyone who dares to give me love instead
ur still, cold, grey, body,
and ur dancing eyes in my dreams
make me want to kill
anyone who dares to live instead
oceans of mustard seeds wouldnt help
attics full of corpses wouldnt help
lifetimes of love and joy, wouldnt help
bcz u'd still be dead
as always i hurt myself to hurt u
i open it up and it all spills out
i dont want nothing of urs, so i let it spill
bitch
come back
ill grind out the one u loved
ill never let her smile again
if u want her at all
come back
and at other times,
sadness has a scary edge of desperation to it
and you feel like u might just be drowning
slipping into some deep dark place inside you
and u break into pieces, each watching all the others
one wanting to dive in and swim in the dark,
find the heart of the night
and another, scared, wanting the light
and another, that died or was never born,
and couldnt care one way or another
and while u slide, u panic
and u want to reach out
when i slide there's no one
i'd dare to hold on to
that i wouldnt pull them in
or be burnt by the grip
exchanging,
one well for another
but thats why
when i walk by a well, or bog
i stretch my arms out and hold on tight
and pull whenever
and once ashore
i let go
but sometimes thats not
just what they were after
as a price for ur wanting to make them happy
they want ur soul
443 days
443 nights
443 notches on the side of ur grave
ur stubborn indifference
makes me hate
anyone who dares to give me love instead
ur still, cold, grey, body,
and ur dancing eyes in my dreams
make me want to kill
anyone who dares to live instead
oceans of mustard seeds wouldnt help
attics full of corpses wouldnt help
lifetimes of love and joy, wouldnt help
bcz u'd still be dead
as always i hurt myself to hurt u
i open it up and it all spills out
i dont want nothing of urs, so i let it spill
bitch
come back
ill grind out the one u loved
ill never let her smile again
if u want her at all
come back
This is how it feels
to be sitting on a mistake worth about 30,0000 pounds, and 1 working year, and a lifetime's opportunity. But then I have years of expertise in making worst decisions in any given scenario ;0)
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
most people
most people, like being loved.
most people, want to be happy.
most people, like themselves, for the most part.
most people, dont think there are more imp things than happiness and fun.
most people, dont find hurting people so unbearable, and then do it all the same.
most people, dont get mad, and punch the wall
most people, dont come home with bleeding hands
most people, can cry buckets without a sign
most people, dont get swollen red eyes
most people, dont hate themselves.
most people, arent torn by regret.
most people, arent fencing angst.
most people, dont care so much about meaning.
most people, arent turtured by guilt.
most people, have brown eyes.
most people, like to smile.
most people, arent on dangerous drugs. like reflection, hunger and giving up.
most people, learn to forget.
most people, forgive themselves.
most people, arent looking for perfection. without, or within.
most people, dont despise most of their fellow men.
most people, arent ugly within.
most people, arent racing against an image in their heads.
most people, arent shadow boxing the dead.
most people, are quite sane.
most people, are quite happy to be like that.
most people, dont know how lucky they are.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
most people, want to be happy.
most people, like themselves, for the most part.
most people, dont think there are more imp things than happiness and fun.
most people, dont find hurting people so unbearable, and then do it all the same.
most people, dont get mad, and punch the wall
most people, dont come home with bleeding hands
most people, can cry buckets without a sign
most people, dont get swollen red eyes
most people, dont hate themselves.
most people, arent torn by regret.
most people, arent fencing angst.
most people, dont care so much about meaning.
most people, arent turtured by guilt.
most people, have brown eyes.
most people, like to smile.
most people, arent on dangerous drugs. like reflection, hunger and giving up.
most people, learn to forget.
most people, forgive themselves.
most people, arent looking for perfection. without, or within.
most people, dont despise most of their fellow men.
most people, arent ugly within.
most people, arent racing against an image in their heads.
most people, arent shadow boxing the dead.
most people, are quite sane.
most people, are quite happy to be like that.
most people, dont know how lucky they are.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
a pot of clay
u seduce me,
with my reflection
in ur head;
into being
something i am not.
but its only for a while,
just a dance and i'm gone.
though you want to,
you cannot hold me.
though i want to,
i cannot stay.
cant hold the pose,
the alien shape,
i could stay,
but not alive.
u dont want the way i am.
u want to trap me;
hold me in ur pores,
in ur unchanging shape,
firm,
brittle;
but i am fluid,
i am free,
and i need to breathe
and flow, unfettered.
i may be damned
but its only for a while.
u can hold me inside
but i'll escape, seep out & hide.
so i evaporate,
float up with the winds, away;
and ur left,
bereft,
twisted out of shape
& with hole inside,
which ur trying to hide
Originally Posted at Prerona.
with my reflection
in ur head;
into being
something i am not.
but its only for a while,
just a dance and i'm gone.
though you want to,
you cannot hold me.
though i want to,
i cannot stay.
cant hold the pose,
the alien shape,
i could stay,
but not alive.
u dont want the way i am.
u want to trap me;
hold me in ur pores,
in ur unchanging shape,
firm,
brittle;
but i am fluid,
i am free,
and i need to breathe
and flow, unfettered.
i may be damned
but its only for a while.
u can hold me inside
but i'll escape, seep out & hide.
so i evaporate,
float up with the winds, away;
and ur left,
bereft,
twisted out of shape
& with hole inside,
which ur trying to hide
Originally Posted at Prerona.
A Pot of Clay
You seduce me
with my reflection
in ur head
into being
something i am not
but its only for a while
just one dance and i'm gone
though you want to
you cant hold me
though i want to
i cant stay
i cant hold the pose
this alien shape
i can stay
but not alive
u dont want me as i am
u want to trap me
hold me in ur pores
in ur unchanging shape
firm
brittle
but i am fluid
i am free
and i need to breathe
and flow, unfettered
i may be damned
but only for a while
u can hold me inside
but i'll escape, seep out
so i evaporate
float up with the winds
and ur left
bereft
twisted out of shape
with hole inside
trying to hide
with my reflection
in ur head
into being
something i am not
but its only for a while
just one dance and i'm gone
though you want to
you cant hold me
though i want to
i cant stay
i cant hold the pose
this alien shape
i can stay
but not alive
u dont want me as i am
u want to trap me
hold me in ur pores
in ur unchanging shape
firm
brittle
but i am fluid
i am free
and i need to breathe
and flow, unfettered
i may be damned
but only for a while
u can hold me inside
but i'll escape, seep out
so i evaporate
float up with the winds
and ur left
bereft
twisted out of shape
with hole inside
trying to hide
Dead
what can i say?
however far you run,
life gets a hold of you
and brings you back
once more
face to face with your nightmares
your destiny
everyone is different
everyone's the same
loving circles,
of words and arms
stifling close
brittle euphoria
liquor spiced
whichever gods u choose
whichever feet you find
to kneel at
will melt in pools of weak clay
and soft sweet sickly sympathy
is all ur destined to feel
there are
no gods to worship
or maybe
the pedestals too rocky
and high
the world shifts
and re adjusts
around u
in a circle of laughing dwarfs
who only want to hide
crouching low, small shallow minds
firm resolve
not to look outside
their games, groups and tribes
poke clumsy fingers
wounds of agony
inexpertly bandaged
waiting for time to bring
enough scar tissue
to hide
and seal
on word
u casually speak
that means so much
such a big deal
unuttered for 442 days
is carelessly laughed away
bcz i know ur dead
for the world, anyway
i open hands
i crack them on stone
it comes out
all ur stuff
and i dont want it anymore
i want it to evaporate
go up in smoke
like u
chase after
bcz i know ur there
somewhere
however far you run,
life gets a hold of you
and brings you back
once more
face to face with your nightmares
your destiny
everyone is different
everyone's the same
loving circles,
of words and arms
stifling close
brittle euphoria
liquor spiced
whichever gods u choose
whichever feet you find
to kneel at
will melt in pools of weak clay
and soft sweet sickly sympathy
is all ur destined to feel
there are
no gods to worship
or maybe
the pedestals too rocky
and high
the world shifts
and re adjusts
around u
in a circle of laughing dwarfs
who only want to hide
crouching low, small shallow minds
firm resolve
not to look outside
their games, groups and tribes
poke clumsy fingers
wounds of agony
inexpertly bandaged
waiting for time to bring
enough scar tissue
to hide
and seal
on word
u casually speak
that means so much
such a big deal
unuttered for 442 days
is carelessly laughed away
bcz i know ur dead
for the world, anyway
i open hands
i crack them on stone
it comes out
all ur stuff
and i dont want it anymore
i want it to evaporate
go up in smoke
like u
chase after
bcz i know ur there
somewhere
dead
what can i say?
however far you run,
life gets a hold of you
and brings you back
once more
face to face with your nightmares
your destiny
everyone is different
everyone's the same
loving circles,
of words and arms
stifling close
brittle euphoria
liquor spiced
whichever gods u choose
whichever feet you find
to kneel at
will melt in pools of weak clay
and soft sweet sickly sympathy
is all ur destined to feel
there are
no gods to worship
or maybe
the pedestals too rocky
and high
the world shifts
and re adjusts
around u
in a circle of laughing dwarfs
who only want to hide
crouching low, small shallow minds
firm resolve
not to look outside
their games, groups and tribes
poke clumsy fingers
wounds of agony
inexpertly bandaged
waiting for time to bring
enough scar tissue
to hide
and seal
on word
u casually speak
that means so much
such a big deal
unuttered for 442 days
is carelessly laughed away
bcz i know ur dead
for the world, anyway
i open hands
i crack them on stone
it comes out
all ur stuff
and i dont want it anymore
i want it to evaporate
go up in smoke
like u
chase after
bcz i know ur there
somewhere
Originally Posted at Prerona.
however far you run,
life gets a hold of you
and brings you back
once more
face to face with your nightmares
your destiny
everyone is different
everyone's the same
loving circles,
of words and arms
stifling close
brittle euphoria
liquor spiced
whichever gods u choose
whichever feet you find
to kneel at
will melt in pools of weak clay
and soft sweet sickly sympathy
is all ur destined to feel
there are
no gods to worship
or maybe
the pedestals too rocky
and high
the world shifts
and re adjusts
around u
in a circle of laughing dwarfs
who only want to hide
crouching low, small shallow minds
firm resolve
not to look outside
their games, groups and tribes
poke clumsy fingers
wounds of agony
inexpertly bandaged
waiting for time to bring
enough scar tissue
to hide
and seal
on word
u casually speak
that means so much
such a big deal
unuttered for 442 days
is carelessly laughed away
bcz i know ur dead
for the world, anyway
i open hands
i crack them on stone
it comes out
all ur stuff
and i dont want it anymore
i want it to evaporate
go up in smoke
like u
chase after
bcz i know ur there
somewhere
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Every Little Piece of my Heart (almost)
Calling Madcap
I've stood here for so long, at the fringes of your world. From my beginning, I have been yours. From the first time our eyes met, the first time my heart beat, from the first time you smiled, I was crazy.
Seven years, it took me, to gather my wits. To break the spell, and chase the sorcerer. Three years to cross the seven seas. Now I'm at your door, finally.
I'm calling in everyway I know. Please, my love, hear me. I'll be good for you. I'll be good to you, please, baby, dont deny me.
At the doorstep, in the cold, in the rain, in your cold land. The temple gates are locked and sealed, the priests with the keys wont understand. The King is in his parlour, far far away. The Bishop's off, to foreign lands, searching for new prey. They've changed your name, to better hide you. Why are they afraid? Work some magic, walk one step; baby, come and get me. I was born, just to love you, without "us", what's the point ...
Seven years, it took me, to gather my wits. To break the spell, and chase the sorcerer. Three years to cross the seven seas. Now I'm at your door, finally.
I'm calling in everyway I know. Please, my love, hear me. I'll be good for you. I'll be good to you, please, baby, dont deny me.
At the doorstep, in the cold, in the rain, in your cold land. The temple gates are locked and sealed, the priests with the keys wont understand. The King is in his parlour, far far away. The Bishop's off, to foreign lands, searching for new prey. They've changed your name, to better hide you. Why are they afraid? Work some magic, walk one step; baby, come and get me. I was born, just to love you, without "us", what's the point ...