theres so much people know, have learnt, i wonder where they learnt it from. a lot of people come here and read posts sometimes ... if any of you have a answer, tell me. where do you learn these skills that our company is always giving presentations to teach you, send u to company organised 'camps' in vagues and beautiful places, that life skills gurus make so much money out of ... cz u dont need to be an expert, but u need to understand the basics. team spirit, communications, leadership. how to not mind losing, or atleast not let it show, how to accept that you make mistakes, that ur not the best or even as good as u ever thought you could be. or atleast not show it. crack jokes when u fck up, how to let the manager know that there was no fcking time, that there were too many bloody obstacles ... how not to fck up at work, how to ask for tech support and while making urself look like a cool dude ... some people seem to know it all. i figure, they were out learning these things when they played in groups of building kids way back when. it probably all boils down to the same thing. how to relate to people. how to handle people. how to focus. how to collect ur thoughts and get them across. keeping in mind what u want to say and what u want to other guy to hear.
i cant do these things but im trying to learn. sometimes i wanna learn if it'll kill me. sometimes i wanna say to fkc with it if thats what it takes. i stammer. i shut up. i hide. i start to cry. i get mad and wanna kick them down. burn the world and everything in it. i lose my temper. with clients. with managers. with gods. i lose myself in day dreams halfway down every sentence. i have no control over myself. i cant make myself do what i want.
and you ... this is not who you were last time i knew u. suddenly i looked at u and this is what i saw. how did you get this way? how do i fix you up again? for so long u hv been all i had. i dont know how to live without u, i've forgotten the me without you. i left u. i thought ill leave u for good. but, today, i bumped into u again, after a year and a half, and it was just the same. to be with u, be close to you ... how do i learn to live with u? ur black skin, ur simplicity, ur power. can a spool be beautiful. theres a magic in familiarity. wouldnt even curse cobol anymore ... all i know is miss u ... while ur a 1000 miles away.
Love
how can u love someone you dont even know?
i dont. i dont know ...
but even so, when i look at you,
im so confused, forget everything i knew
its silly, that i know
whenever u are near me, i feel like u can hear me
like every thought in my head, about u
just echoed out across the room. everyone heard them too.
like my heart, the stupid heart
fell into my eyes
and i feel so scared, helpless
start acting like a fool. with you
i dont. i dont know ...
but even so, when i look at you,
im so confused, forget everything i knew
its silly, that i know
whenever u are near me, i feel like u can hear me
like every thought in my head, about u
just echoed out across the room. everyone heard them too.
like my heart, the stupid heart
fell into my eyes
and i feel so scared, helpless
start acting like a fool. with you
Sweet dreams are made of this:
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's lookin' for somethin'.
Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you.
Some of them want to be abused
an old song stirs up so many memories. how the heart clings to everything old. old memories. old friends. old books. old poems & journals. t-shirts. ashtrays. stuff toys. perfume bottles. greeting cards. photographs ... somewhere in linda goodmans love signs, a tattered copy of which i still have at home, which was carefully brought down and furtively & very seriously re-consulted, through the years, with every new childhood sweetheart, somewhere in that much loved (old) book, she says the Scorpio must try to overcome its tendency to make a scrapbook out of its life and live it. i wonder if its true? dont really care ... love reading her stuff cz i love the glorious picture she paints of Us!
had a nice weekend. rowed after ages on saturday. at the park. in an eight. went with all my library books and a list of errands - usually i just come home and crash in bed for the rest of the weekend and then none of the weekend work gets done, none of the outside work like paying bills and returning library books. no chance during the week as i leave home at 5am & get back after 9pm most days. they say the road to the bed is paved with good intentions, so i just came home and crashed in bed for the rest of the weekend. finally posted my sponsorship money from the 'race for life' - i dont blv i raised more than 300 pounds offline alone! i think i will cancel all my monthly donations now and only run races for my fav charities ;0) went for impromptu dinner party - lamb curry / rice at friends place on saturday night. walked back alone at 12:30. very exciting. but got blasted after i got home. cleaned the house on Sunday. watched my usual lot of movies. this weeks movies were Room Mates, Falling in Love, Shadow of Doubt, Beyond the Sea. Beyond the Sea was special, as it showed some of the shooting of my fav funny movie (Come September). Shadow of Doubt I didnt like that much. Falling in Love was cliched but sweet. Could watch ANYTHING with Streep. Realised for the first time that De Niro looks hideous while kissing. Room Mates, I fell in love with. It was very sweet! spent a couple of hours doing nothing, lying on the sofa, on my back, staring out at the sky out of the window, behind the new orange flowered plant. waited for darkness to come all the way home, before i got up and put on the table light. read someone special, and started steppenwolf.
Updated 'verse'. Kind of ...
You should've known better sweetheart
u should've known better sweetheart
the moon never comes alone
the moon brings along his friends
faded, jaded memories
tidily packed away
the wind never comes alone,
the wind brings its friends
forgotten feelings
from dreams and yesterdays
the rain never comes alone,
the rain brings her friends
songs in your head
mind distracted
love never comes alone
love brings along his friends
love never comes alone
doubt and misery. suspicion and jealousy
if u love you also hate
want to destroy and be destroyed
see him crashing to his knees
make him cry with tenderness
watch him smile when u tease
torture. then put at ease
push away. pull back
run away in sudden fear
it makes ur heart
but first it breaks ur heart
it makes u smile
it makes u fart
now, standing in the freezing wind
on the terrace, i stare at the moon
wondering if ill see u again
wondering if there'll be someone else
eternities run between two days
worlds tumble when i see ur face
everytime i close my eyes
i feel like i can see u smile
everytime i put down my head
feel like i hear u call my name
and yet, u r now gone, they say
a stranger unto me, my ways
i left u and walked away
yes. i remember. wont turn around and say
u should've known better sweetheart
and now u say i broke ur heart
and pushed down a stony path
and u always said u knew me so well
but yet u blved my restless feet ... u really shudv known better sweetheart
one of those devils that catch ur neck and wont let go till put down in words ... needs to be completed and finished and reworked. ironically, had atleast 3 non overlapping crushes at the back fo my head
the moon never comes alone
the moon brings along his friends
faded, jaded memories
tidily packed away
the wind never comes alone,
the wind brings its friends
forgotten feelings
from dreams and yesterdays
the rain never comes alone,
the rain brings her friends
songs in your head
mind distracted
love never comes alone
love brings along his friends
love never comes alone
doubt and misery. suspicion and jealousy
if u love you also hate
want to destroy and be destroyed
see him crashing to his knees
make him cry with tenderness
watch him smile when u tease
torture. then put at ease
push away. pull back
run away in sudden fear
it makes ur heart
but first it breaks ur heart
it makes u smile
it makes u fart
now, standing in the freezing wind
on the terrace, i stare at the moon
wondering if ill see u again
wondering if there'll be someone else
eternities run between two days
worlds tumble when i see ur face
everytime i close my eyes
i feel like i can see u smile
everytime i put down my head
feel like i hear u call my name
and yet, u r now gone, they say
a stranger unto me, my ways
i left u and walked away
yes. i remember. wont turn around and say
u should've known better sweetheart
and now u say i broke ur heart
and pushed down a stony path
and u always said u knew me so well
but yet u blved my restless feet ... u really shudv known better sweetheart
one of those devils that catch ur neck and wont let go till put down in words ... needs to be completed and finished and reworked. ironically, had atleast 3 non overlapping crushes at the back fo my head
the weekend vist
my father came over to visit me last weekend. i had been depressed before he came, bcz two days always feels like too little, but once he came we had a great time and i forgot about it. i went to glasgow to pick him up from the airport. he had been coming straight to edinburgh, but he missed his flight from manchester to edinburgh and had to come to glasgow instead. i was sure he wouldnt be able to find his way alone from glasgow to edinburgh, so i went over to pick him up. it was a mad rush. i came to know at 7pm. had to rush home to dump my gym things. then run from home to waverly, buy a ticket and literaaly run to the train and stumble in. luckily, a train was getting ready to leave just as i reached the platform pantin and i hopped in. reached glasgow at 10pm, ran to the buchanan street bus stn, got a bus to the airport. bus was empty. there was an old chatty driver in charge & we chatted like old friends all the way. he said his daughter lives in edinburgh. she's a doctor. when he suggests to her, he's not well & he might come over to edinburgh and stay with her for a few days, she tells him she will send him a prescription by post. he thought it was very sweet of me to come rushing to glasgow to pick up my dad on such short notice. i told him i hadnt seen my dad for the last 6 mths or so and then too for 2 days. and that id grown up seeing him on holidays. which made us all, as a family, value our time together a lot more. we were more friends than family. i reached the airport at 10:30. we took a bus and by the time we got back to the city centre, i knew we wouldnt be able to catch the last train back ... 11:30. so we parked ourselves at the busstop and waited for the next bus. we had to wait for one and half hours. the place was deserted. we sat on the floor in front of the coffee machine and chatted about everything. reached edinburgh at 1am. the whole of princes street was deserted but there were lights on inside waterstones and a long queue outside and lights in the castle across the road. it was for the release of the new harry potter. they had done up the castle as hogworths! it must have been wildly excited for the little potter-manics who visited. dadda thinks harry potter is a load of crp so we didnt spend much time discussing that! got home at 2 instead to a starkl empty fridge! had thought will busy some chicken on the way to airport but then he went and missed his flight. had a bad time explaining the logic behind my eating program. i live alone, so i buy everything into four. mondays i fast. weekends i eat out and go crazy! i have set menu which NEVER varies all week. it makes me feel secure having a set pattern to follow. over the next two days we cooked and ate the craziest things, went to every pub in town (or almost). got drunk. chatted till 4 am. watched sarkar. cried over our old, accepted problems. ranted against the unaccepted. laughed over old family jokes. talked about common concerns. its so nice to talk to him like this and also just to have someone i know in town to go out with and talk and laugh together with. it was a glorious weekend. we did so many little things that it would take for ever to catalog them all. we talked about my plans. rather my persistent dreams. he said i should really go for it. that he would be there for me, backing me. but i still dont know if i will ever have to guts to do it. go back now, in this old age, start all over again! we laughed over how ill be thirty this yr! its spooky thinking about it. i still feel thriteen at times. he left on monday, early in the morning. i dropped him to the airport and came to work after. worked in a daze. was half asleep. good thing just had some fairly mechanical stuff to do. not that ANYTHING i have to do at work can be called anything but. i feel at times like i studied architecture to become a tea boy on a building site. or whatever. i dunno. i guess its ok, this is what everyone does and id probably be cribbing whatever i did. i HATE application programming. always did. anyway, i was half asleep. skipped rowing in the evening. but im going out in an eight this saturday. its been a long while. im looking forward to it! its back to the grind. gym, french, work, rowing, and empty rooms with just my music and my books for company. teetotally boring. but not so bad after all. it could be much worse. im reading tender is the night. f. scitt fitzgerald. its good till now. these i cant read everything. once i could even ANYTHING. in india, we have paper packets made out of old newspapers. i have even read those in emergencies ... if u know what i mean. its like a smokers thing. addictive reading on the pot. but these days i cant read something unless i like it. definitely i can no longer even bear to listen to music i dont like. i think im getting cranky :)
I'm lost
there was a small terrace, outside the french windows in the drawing room. Beyond the terrace, the little dead lane, paved with black stones. An old lane, in an old city. Whenever one of the ladies who lived in the apartment block came home from work, he could always tell, by the tone of the swift beat of their heals in the lane outside. Click-Clack Click-Clack Click-Clack Slam click Slam. He knew just when they had walked in from the main road, into the stone paved lane, entered through the two outside gates and walked into the building. On the floor, near the window, his long body sprawled, his whole being poured out in a puddle of brown skin and blue checked cotton the sound painted him a picture of the world outside, so alien now. It drew pictures of a corporate world. uniform blue, grey and white clothed moving pegs, relieved with the occasional splash of deviation. a certain something, in the angle of the head, in the rythm of the steps, in the stride of the legs. the incredible and the incredulous. the pretenders and the buyers. like a self staged drama to entertain the self. or was it? in hindsight, the path of the running looked hypnotically circular ... but then, everything was always transformed with perspective. His mind fumbled for the reference: it was something to do with Einstein, and Relativity ... but he forgot easily these days and he remembered hard. Or rather, he remembered a lot, but it was not what he wanted, when he wanted. It came and went at will. Like movies, splashed on sporadically. On a deserted, rent free, naked screen. One big free for all party for sadistic ghosts. Sometimes, at night his brain went mad with thoughts. They wrestled each other, he and his demons, amongst the tangled sweat moist sheets, under the sarcastic eye of the slow ceiling fan, humming down at them with laughter at their futility. His thoughts crashed around inside his closed mind, spinning wildly in every direction, lashing out against each opening, looking for some answer, some light, and at the end, a tired brain, succour hungry, wanting just to black out, to go to sleep. A long rest was what he wanted. A long rest at the feets of the gods. Gods which he had set out to build himself; for that, he thought, was basic human need ... Feet, to rest weary heads at. When all else fails; comfort, joy, pity, support ... when their isnt enough faith and humanity left in one to take comfort from a fellow man; when you cant bear to have anyone close enough to you to touch ur wounds to balm them; when their is nothing left in the grains of all or any of the myriad web of inter relations woven by man, between ourselves, we need Feet, to silently rest at. So he had set out to build himself a godhead. Scornfully selective, he had picked, bits and pieces of the best he had seen in mankind and collected them, like a child picking flowers, in folded hands ... but now he had tripped and fallen, and all the god-pieces lay scattered, at his feet.
Hazy Thursdays
Theres a strange sensation, I dont know if I am the only one or it happens to others, but the brain seems to remember things in sequences. For example, if the first time I heard "sometimes when we touch" was followed by "long and lasting love", or if the first time I ate raajma, we had kulfi next, each time I here "sometimes when we touch", my mind seems to be about to start on "long and lasting love" just as I "subsides ..." echos out
Why is that? Is it like the instruction queue pre fetch cache?
Why does this excite me so much? Its like being in love with a star (Cussack) out of reach high in the sky. and its not just the distance and impossibilty of getting there, its the star that looks SO f cool from here, will burn you into nothing if you get near. This is who I am, this is what I am.
I cant give up my voice, to get new legs, to dance the prince in love with me. If I cant talk to him, he's no use to me.
"If you cant find your hearts desire in your backyard ...". Its been a long time (Frieda, All over the Man) since a movie hit me like that (Angels in America and Bloodstain). Not brilliant movies per se, but there was something I that hit me. All over the man was actually not in that category, it was more of a vindication ... "a little bit like you, a little bit like me".
When I ramble like this, even I dont know what Im talking about.
Happy Thursday :) Song of the day ... "Don’t know if I’m comin’ up or down
Am I happy or in misery?"
Why is that? Is it like the instruction queue pre fetch cache?
Why does this excite me so much? Its like being in love with a star (Cussack) out of reach high in the sky. and its not just the distance and impossibilty of getting there, its the star that looks SO f cool from here, will burn you into nothing if you get near. This is who I am, this is what I am.
I cant give up my voice, to get new legs, to dance the prince in love with me. If I cant talk to him, he's no use to me.
"If you cant find your hearts desire in your backyard ...". Its been a long time (Frieda, All over the Man) since a movie hit me like that (Angels in America and Bloodstain). Not brilliant movies per se, but there was something I that hit me. All over the man was actually not in that category, it was more of a vindication ... "a little bit like you, a little bit like me".
When I ramble like this, even I dont know what Im talking about.
Happy Thursday :) Song of the day ... "Don’t know if I’m comin’ up or down
Am I happy or in misery?"
Mosaic Gods
there was a small terrace, beyond the french windows in the drawing room. Beyond the terrace, the little dead lane, paved with black stones. An old lane, in an old city. When one of the ladies who lived in the apartment block came home from work, he could always tell, by the particular tone of the swift beat of their heals in the lane outside. Click-Clack Click-Clack Click-Clack Slam click Slam. He knew just when they had walked in from the main road, into the stone paved lane, entered through the two outside gates and walked into the building. On the floor, near the window, his long body sprawled, his whole being poured out in a puddle of brown skin and blue checked cotton. The sound painted him a picture of the world outside, so alien now. It drew pictures of a spinning corporate world. Drab grey and white covers with unbelievable prices. A certain something, in the angle of the head, in the rythm of the steps, in the stride of the legs. the incredible and the incredulous. the pretenders and the buyers. like a self staged drama to entertain the self. or was it. in hindsight, the path of the running looked hypnotically circular ... but then, everything always changed with perspective. His mind fumbled for the reference: it was something to do with Einstein, and Relativity ... but he forgot easily these days; and he remembered hard. Or he remembered, but it was not what he wanted, when he wanted. It came and went at will; and it came hard. Like movies, splashed on sporadically. On a deserted, rent free, naked screen. One big free for all party for sadistic ghosts. Sometimes, at night his brain went mad with thoughts. They wrestled each other, he and his demons, amongst the tangled sweat moist sheets, under the sarcastic eye of the slow ceiling fan, humming down at them with laughter at their futility. His thoughts crashed around inside his closed mind, spinning wildly in every direction, lashing out against each opening ... looking for some answer, some light, and at the end, a tired brain, succour hungry, just wants to black out, go to sleep ... a long rest, at the feets of the gods, gods which he had set out to build himself, for that, he thought, was basic human need ... Feet, to rest weary heads at. When all else fails, comfort, joy, pity, support ... when their is nothing left in the grains of all or any of the myriad web of inter relations we human have woven, between ourselves, we need feet, to silently rest at. So he had set out to build himself a god. Scornfully selective, he had picked, bits and pieces of the best he had seen in mankind and collected them, like a child picking flowers, in folded hands ... and now he had tripped and fallen ... and all the god-pieces had scattered, at his feet.
saturday sunshine
Peaceful, bright Yellow weekend. Went out with some friends on Friday night. Nothing like being done under to kick in a weekend. A sunny saturday, took a look at 'princes gardens' -was laid out with more bodies than Id seen leaves few seasons back. Not being overly fond of crowds, ate a HUGE pizza, potato skins, garlic bread AND two huge glasses (?) of coke (yeah, i eat LIKE THAT) and then came home to snooze the day away with hysteria and the new book. Cooked myself loads of chicken stew and rice and lazed the two days away. Saw Springtime in a Small Town , madame Bovary, True Colours and Armaan. Was briefly tempted to ditch Cussack (old love) for James Spader (potentail new love) then changed my mind :)
OST - The Floating Friday
In my mind I'm goin' to Carolina. Can't you see the sunshine! Can't you just feel the moonshine! Maybe just like a friend of mine, it hit me from behind ... Yes I'm goin' to Carolina in my mind
Walked down to Lake Gardens in the wet winds. The trees on the bridge were on fire. And they swept down to the lakes to have a drink. The sun set on the baby island, where the gardens hung. Met Addy. We walked back. Talked of this and that. Took the metro from Kalighaat to Park Street. Met up with Chatts. Went down to Junction. Pulled her leg. About that time in Junction. And her new haunt. She's hanging out in BED now! Juls came over. We hung out for ever. Then we hitched back to Sharma's. Stuffed our faces with paneer-shashlik. Drank Thums-Up. Sitting on the edge of the pavement. Then we came home and watched the sunrise from the terrace.
Yes, Ive gone to Carolina in my mind ...
Feel like falling in love. Feel like missing someone. Feel you in my head, like a itch which I cant place but I need to scratch so bad ... its getting me outta my mind. Comeon, comeon, now you need me too. Give me a clue. Stop making me blue. Its lonely out there without you.
Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again.Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again. Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am fun again. However far away I will always love you.However long I stay, I will always love you whatever words I say I will always love you
Feedback ... theres nothing more boring than a reformed wildchild! And the fine line between hypocrisy and sparing the audience, glimmers and teases, and is very hard to keep track of. What would you choose between honesty and their shock on your consciouns? Its you who have to choose. And its the choice you have to stick to. "Oh no, I've said too much! I haven't said enough ..."
Had loads of work today. Its a pain ... documentation, UTP's, test evidence ... hate that stuff. And why amd I so easily distracted? Wish I could focus more ... would solve all my problems! Its a OS problem. The memory for context saving is very limited. So naturally, the slightest degree of multi-processing, means the system runs out of memory, starts swapping, and thrashing sets in. To make matters worse almost all interrupts are non maskable. Which means that critical processes cannot be protected from interrupts. Also, the incoming priority module of the scheduler has and major bugs! Can I get a new OS? Can I send the OS back to be fixed and upgraded? I fear an impending system breakdown.
Talk about your woman, I wish you could see mine! Every time she starts to lovin'
She brings eyesight to the blind. You know her daddy gave her magic, I can tell by the way she walks. Everytime we start shakin', The dumb begin to talk. She's got the power to heal you never fear. Just a word from her lips, And the deaf begin to hear
Theres something which I have always wondered which was brough back into force yesterday ... am I my brothers keeper? If I see my neighbour eating chicken and Im scared he might get bird flu ... can I walk in and break his kitchen, to save him, ofcourse from birdflu. Would it matter that I walked off with his (stateofart) coffee machine on my way back? Its a muddle as usual. I cant put anything right, but what I mean is, is it "none of your b business" or is it "only for ur good". Also, it all made me think of those political thrillers. Nothing is as it seems & who knows what is.
Walked down to Lake Gardens in the wet winds. The trees on the bridge were on fire. And they swept down to the lakes to have a drink. The sun set on the baby island, where the gardens hung. Met Addy. We walked back. Talked of this and that. Took the metro from Kalighaat to Park Street. Met up with Chatts. Went down to Junction. Pulled her leg. About that time in Junction. And her new haunt. She's hanging out in BED now! Juls came over. We hung out for ever. Then we hitched back to Sharma's. Stuffed our faces with paneer-shashlik. Drank Thums-Up. Sitting on the edge of the pavement. Then we came home and watched the sunrise from the terrace.
Yes, Ive gone to Carolina in my mind ...
Feel like falling in love. Feel like missing someone. Feel you in my head, like a itch which I cant place but I need to scratch so bad ... its getting me outta my mind. Comeon, comeon, now you need me too. Give me a clue. Stop making me blue. Its lonely out there without you.
Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again.Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again. Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am young again whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am fun again. However far away I will always love you.However long I stay, I will always love you whatever words I say I will always love you
Feedback ... theres nothing more boring than a reformed wildchild! And the fine line between hypocrisy and sparing the audience, glimmers and teases, and is very hard to keep track of. What would you choose between honesty and their shock on your consciouns? Its you who have to choose. And its the choice you have to stick to. "Oh no, I've said too much! I haven't said enough ..."
Had loads of work today. Its a pain ... documentation, UTP's, test evidence ... hate that stuff. And why amd I so easily distracted? Wish I could focus more ... would solve all my problems! Its a OS problem. The memory for context saving is very limited. So naturally, the slightest degree of multi-processing, means the system runs out of memory, starts swapping, and thrashing sets in. To make matters worse almost all interrupts are non maskable. Which means that critical processes cannot be protected from interrupts. Also, the incoming priority module of the scheduler has and major bugs! Can I get a new OS? Can I send the OS back to be fixed and upgraded? I fear an impending system breakdown.
Talk about your woman, I wish you could see mine! Every time she starts to lovin'
She brings eyesight to the blind. You know her daddy gave her magic, I can tell by the way she walks. Everytime we start shakin', The dumb begin to talk. She's got the power to heal you never fear. Just a word from her lips, And the deaf begin to hear
Theres something which I have always wondered which was brough back into force yesterday ... am I my brothers keeper? If I see my neighbour eating chicken and Im scared he might get bird flu ... can I walk in and break his kitchen, to save him, ofcourse from birdflu. Would it matter that I walked off with his (stateofart) coffee machine on my way back? Its a muddle as usual. I cant put anything right, but what I mean is, is it "none of your b business" or is it "only for ur good". Also, it all made me think of those political thrillers. Nothing is as it seems & who knows what is.
songs and bombs
It may seem to you that I'm acting confused
When you're close to me
If a tend to look dazed I've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it
There's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason you do it for me
Listen to the song in your head. It might be trying to tell you something ...
Read about the blasts in London this morning, and thats all that Ive been hearing about. Its strange. Its really feels bad, doesnt it? Doesnt it?
Will be rowing on Saturday after ages. Lunch time run cancelled today. Am I sad? (Ahem ... )
Bought some music after ages of poverty ... "In Utero", and a book, "Thus Spoke Zarathustra". It sure feels like rain today. Feels like a storm on a desert island. Feels dark reddish-purple. When we fall out of touchg with someone who we love very much, just like that, casually, it leaves a funny sort of emptyness that keeps pushing its head up. Best friends as a concept should be outlawed. Love is harmless. Its the friendships that kill you.
I was just thinking today ... my top five really scary songs:
1) two steps behind (sounds like a stalker)
2) imagine
3) blowing in the wind (its just so Fg cliched)
4) hotho se chhulo tum (jagjit singh - sab jita kiye mujhse,main hardam hi haara)
5) last christmas (semi-stalker-ish)
When you're close to me
If a tend to look dazed I've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it
There's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason you do it for me
Listen to the song in your head. It might be trying to tell you something ...
Read about the blasts in London this morning, and thats all that Ive been hearing about. Its strange. Its really feels bad, doesnt it? Doesnt it?
Will be rowing on Saturday after ages. Lunch time run cancelled today. Am I sad? (Ahem ... )
Bought some music after ages of poverty ... "In Utero", and a book, "Thus Spoke Zarathustra". It sure feels like rain today. Feels like a storm on a desert island. Feels dark reddish-purple. When we fall out of touchg with someone who we love very much, just like that, casually, it leaves a funny sort of emptyness that keeps pushing its head up. Best friends as a concept should be outlawed. Love is harmless. Its the friendships that kill you.
I was just thinking today ... my top five really scary songs:
1) two steps behind (sounds like a stalker)
2) imagine
3) blowing in the wind (its just so Fg cliched)
4) hotho se chhulo tum (jagjit singh - sab jita kiye mujhse,main hardam hi haara)
5) last christmas (semi-stalker-ish)
Days like this
there are days like this
when nothing fits
when life is like
a little boy
dragging his feet
on his way to school
on just another,
ordinary day
there are days like that
when everythings right
the sun keeps on shining
like ur smile
the songs keep playing
in your heart
and if you close your eyes
you can feel yourself dancing
on just another,
ordinary day
when nothing fits
when life is like
a little boy
dragging his feet
on his way to school
on just another,
ordinary day
there are days like that
when everythings right
the sun keeps on shining
like ur smile
the songs keep playing
in your heart
and if you close your eyes
you can feel yourself dancing
on just another,
ordinary day
the lonely house
lying down on sun warmed grass. face down. feeling the warmth of the sun behind me like a blanket. in the distance, somewhere, faint smell of wildflowers. from time to to time, a hot wind blows. Far away, the crickets buzz, a droning song, comforting in its monotony. nearby the hum of the airconditioner in the house. and somewhere behind me, the house. the house that stands like a lone sentinel of the desert, in the stark, empty country spread around it. dusty, grey, thristy hills, thrusting sharply into the sky. An almost unnaturally bright blue sky. Nearby, the knowledge of the cold, dirty sea, tauntingly blue, mockingly gentle, as it laps the stony shores. the smell of eucalyptus.
friendship
cannot concentrate all my friendship on any single one of my friends because no one is complete enough in himself.
--Anais Nin
Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
--Anais Nin
have you ever felt like eating something, when actually you are not really hungry, but maybe bored, or sad? have you ever felt sleepy, when you're not really sleepy, but tired, or bored? If you have, then you have felt a need that raises its head, disguised as something else.
why do we feel the things we do? Why do we think about the things we do? why is it so hard to know ourselves? and harder to show ourselves? and yet so fascinating?
the inner workings of my mind, complicated, exquisite, hidden, secret, drwas me in a fascinated spellbound spiral and I go round the dark and misty bylanes of my mind ... falling into myself. Introspection. Addiction. The mind compels us. Atleast mine compels me. The more complicated, the more attractive.
But coming back, to the first paralells, why would we feel "I wish I had a friend"? when we have so many? What is the desire, or need that comes in this guise? Is it that you miss a particular person, or who they make you? Or someone to hold your hand? Or someone to unburden your mind to? Or someone to have fun with? Or someone to pull you out of yourself?
Though I never really miss home, at times I do think of my friends who are back home. my family and other friends, those I have adopted over the years. There are two kinds of missing. One deals with meories, that come when we call them up. And then theres the other kind. That comes like a sudden sharp stab, like a intruding smell floating in across ur defences, that which is a sudden need. A sound of a voice. The sight of a face. The smile in an eye. The touch of a hand ... Why do we miss someone like that? What do we need from them, get from them, that we miss? Is it just someone to hang out with, someone to dump on, or just sensible conversation? fun, support or rapport?
So what is frienship? What do you think is friendship?
--Anais Nin
Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
--Anais Nin
have you ever felt like eating something, when actually you are not really hungry, but maybe bored, or sad? have you ever felt sleepy, when you're not really sleepy, but tired, or bored? If you have, then you have felt a need that raises its head, disguised as something else.
why do we feel the things we do? Why do we think about the things we do? why is it so hard to know ourselves? and harder to show ourselves? and yet so fascinating?
the inner workings of my mind, complicated, exquisite, hidden, secret, drwas me in a fascinated spellbound spiral and I go round the dark and misty bylanes of my mind ... falling into myself. Introspection. Addiction. The mind compels us. Atleast mine compels me. The more complicated, the more attractive.
But coming back, to the first paralells, why would we feel "I wish I had a friend"? when we have so many? What is the desire, or need that comes in this guise? Is it that you miss a particular person, or who they make you? Or someone to hold your hand? Or someone to unburden your mind to? Or someone to have fun with? Or someone to pull you out of yourself?
Though I never really miss home, at times I do think of my friends who are back home. my family and other friends, those I have adopted over the years. There are two kinds of missing. One deals with meories, that come when we call them up. And then theres the other kind. That comes like a sudden sharp stab, like a intruding smell floating in across ur defences, that which is a sudden need. A sound of a voice. The sight of a face. The smile in an eye. The touch of a hand ... Why do we miss someone like that? What do we need from them, get from them, that we miss? Is it just someone to hang out with, someone to dump on, or just sensible conversation? fun, support or rapport?
So what is frienship? What do you think is friendship?